"Okay, welcome to life #74,102,345,567. We've decided to give you the name Penguin"
"Cool. So what am I?"
"Well...you're a bird but-"
"Oh sweet! Raptor of the sky; flying around on the breeze."
"Well uh...not quite. You actually are unable to fly."
"Huh...well that's okay, Cassowary can't fly but nobody dares mess with him. I mean those huge claws will come in handy-"
"Yeah sorry, no talons or anything either. We went with a different route."
"....Well if I can't fight or fly, then I must have evolved to be crazy fast like Emu or Road-Runner."
"Well fast is a bit subjective really.. You can waddle at like 3 miles per hour"
"Don't be mad."
"Is this a joke? Am I the new Dodo? I'm gonna get picked off by predators in no time!"
"Well you do have a few predators like Polar Bear and Killer Whale, and the newbie "human" can be kinda a dick, but you do have less predators than many."
"Well its something.."
"Yeah most predators were not interested in subzero temperatures."
"OH GOOD, I GET SOME PEACE OF MIND FREEZING MY BUTT OFF!"
"Hey take it easy, Turkey isn't much better and he's cool."
".....So what DID I get?"
"Well you kinda look like you're wearing a butler's outfit.."
"You're feathers kinda make it look like you're wearing a little cute tuxedo."
"How does that help me?! Whatever I'm leaving now.."
"Alright good luck, hope the humans don't melt your home."
7. I don't really think they're the animal evolution messed over the hardest, but I want to mention antechinuses, which are a kind of small marsupial that look similar to rodents. Antechinuses literally mate themselves to death. Like, physically, their body falls apart. They have sex until they physically disintegrate.
It's a viable reproductive strategy, it's just also kind of terrifying.
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