What was worst was just becoming part of that world. There are so many people there that have their rights taken away from them on a regular basis and don't care anymore. They choose to place value on being able to make others fear them. They stop thinking about the world beyond the walls and just get all wrapped up in the weird culture of the place.
There was a day I was feeling proud of myself because I was running around organizing contraband trades, setting up poker games, and owning things like hardcover books and the only dice in the place... in that moment of pride I realized I had started to lose my mind...
It's honestly hard to remember the months in there because most of the time NOTHING'S HAPPENING. Nothing. You've read until you can't stand it. You've slept all you can. You can't play cards cuz your celly is sleeping...
So you stare at the ceiling and wait. It's so weird to realize you're doing the equivalent of "time-out" for months. You're not waiting for 5 minutes. Not waiting 5 hours. You're waiting for a day that is months away. Just waiting.
3/12. Honestly the worst thing that happened? Life kept on moving outside of the walls. It doesn't inside. All my friends went on trips, made memories, met new people, and I missed all of it. Lock up was generally pretty tame, as I kept to my own and was in a low risk tank. (perks of being a 20 year old in jail for weed)
Unrelated, but I also think people underestimate how much our prison system really hurts people. Being in for not a long time and in a low risk tank? Didn't matter. Ended up with some ptsd. I couldn't fall asleep without a knife in my hand for the first four months I was released. I had nightmares and didn't sleep a night through (sober) for the same period of time.
Our system does nothing to rehabilitate anyone. They throw you all together and take people who made stupid mistakes and exposes them to hardened criminals who happens to to be pretty good at leaving impressions on people.
4/12. Twelve months on the inside. Very first day in Prison, VERY FIRST DAY, I was in line for supper and this big guy comes up behind me, squeezes my butt and whispers in my ear "are your panties wet."
Scared stiff I turned around, and the guy jumped back and said in a friendly tone "Oh my mistake mate thought you were someone else" and left the line.
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