I got to explain to my teacher why there was a "barely legal" young woman getting "serious double penetration action" on my screen instead of my language arts practice.
2/24 I was shooting a movie with some friends and one scene was a couple in bed having an argument. They filmed at my home and we were gonna do a few more takes later and the team decided to leave the equipment at my house. I go on a date with a girl and everything is well and good and she gets brought back to my place. Things get serious and we head to the bedroom where she is greeted with camera equipment aimed at the bed. She is creeped out and I explained... She wasn't that understanding.
3/24 Was reading an interview Stephen Colbert did with Playboy on their website. Someone walked past, did a double take, and asked if I was really looking at the Playboy website. Had to explain that, despite all the jokes that have ever been made throughout the history of Playboy, I actually was reading it for the articles. A phrase I never ever anticipated uttering in real life.
4/24 Ok, grade 4. Rough time. Playing on the playground with a bunch of friends, some variant of tiggy. Anyway, I'm it, and am up on the top of the playground, when I see that there is a girl down below me, unaware of my current location. I jump down to go to tag her, but she starts moving as I fall, and I end up landing on her with my knee.
Said girl bursts out in tears, and yells, "I can't believe you would kick me!" and starts to run away, presumably to tell on me. Now, I'm a sensitive kid, but I'm also afraid of authority, and I determine that I need to go and fix this. So, I run after her, calling out something along the lines of "Are you ok?" as I go. To this, she responds, "No! You kicked me!"
At this point I decide that I need to clear up some facts, so I yell out, "I kneed you!" This repeats a couple of times, her yelling and me responding with "I kneed you!" until it dawns on me what it sounds like I'm saying, because I see a group of confused-looking grade seveners looking on. Again, to clear up the details, I look at them and yell out, while making a knee-ing motion with my leg, "you know, Bang, Bang?"
Seconds later I realize what all this sounds like, and I die of shame. That was about the most embarrassment a 9 year-old could take.
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