'I Can Explain!': Times People Were Caught In The Most Compromising Situations.

'I Can Explain!': Times People Were Caught In The Most Compromising Situations.


9/24 Back when I was in graduate school, this woman named Amal in one of my classes suggested we get together and study. I prefer studying on my own but, so as not to be rude, I agreed anyways. She scribbles her number down, I put it in my wallet, and then promptly forget about the whole thing.

About a year later my wife was looking for a card in my wallet while we were driving down the road and stumbles across the slip of paper. She opens it up and in a shocked voice asks, "What the hell is this?" By this time, my memory of getting her number was almost completely gone as was most of the letter M in Amal.

So when I read the piece of paper I see exactly what my wife sees: One word Anal, followed by a phone number. I immediately say I can explain, but given that I had forgotten about getting her number, the next 20 seconds involved a mixture of panic and confusion as I tried to remember how the hell I could have possibly ended up with a solicitation for anal sex in my wallet. I finally put together what had happened and we had a pretty good laugh over it. However, I often wondered how that would have turned out if I never could have remembered where it came from.


10/24 I had just put air ride on my truck and was taking it on it's maiden voyage. I forgot to tuck a brake line and had been unknowingly dragging through it. All of the sudden it decides to let loose right as I'm stopping at a stop sign. I'm half way through the intersection with no brakes when I see a cop sitting waiting to bust people for blowing through. He pulls me over and I try to explain. He clearly doesn't believe me so he asks me to press my brake pedal. Boom. Brake fluid squirted right on to his shoe. No ticket.


11/24 My son, so long as he continues college, lives with us.

Rules of privacy are fairly liberal, but old habits die hard. When I need to tell him something in the morning I knock and open the door to tell him. Sometimes to find him sleeping in bed with his boyfriend. One day I knock and open the door to tell him I am taking his car to have emissions done. I see his best friend, a girl, naked as a jaybird tangled up asleep with him. They wake and she covers up. We do not tolerate infidelity, so he starts stammering an explanation (She got drunk at a party, he took her home to sleep it off-she puked on her clothes so he showered her and put her to bed while the clothes wash). It was all innocent, they slept it off in a small bed and just got tangled in sleep.


12/24 I was out drinking with some friends one night,for brevity's sake one was a large Black man i'll call "Hingle McCringleberry", the other was a tall wanksta we'll call "Shaunders", and I am an average white dude. All of us early 20's. Classy,upscale, bar/lounge we are at.

We mingle at the bar and continue to get shot down by woman seeing as how we know absolutely no one at that bar and we are the A-Team of people women at that bar would never want to be seen with. After every failed attempt at getting a number we take a shot of Whiskey. I black out first. Hingle and Shaunders a little bit later.

As we are walking back from the bar to Hingle's car, he and I start goofing around play fighting, and rough housing as drunk young males are known for doing. We reach the vehicle and Hingle decides it would be funny to pretend he was going to throw me in the trunk of his car and I would have to sleep there. Hingle opens the trunk and with the help of Shaunders attempt to throw me in the trunk, in my struggle to not be thrown in I gash my head on the corner of the trunk. Hingle doesn't feel well due to the Alcohol and goes over to the bushes to puke as Shaunders decides this is a good time to go buy cigarettes. I'm still in the back of the trunk but it's open because these guys really aren't THAT huge of [idiots] and you know, we were drunk.

I get up out of the trunk. slide down the bumper and lean against the back of the car. With Shaunders gone buying cigs and Hingle about 100 yards away puking his guts out, a heroic citizen who from afar had seen a large Black man and a gangsta looking white boy attempt to throw an upstanding white male by force in to the trunk of their car, leaps in to action and finds me sitting on the street with blood streaming down my face and on my clothes, and calls the cops and an ambulance. Nice guy really, or I suppose he was because I was passed out.

The police and Fire show up and take the eyewitness report from the citizen who saw everything from afar, and I get whisked away to the Emergency Room while what appears to be clinging to dear life.The cops find Hingle passed out 100 or so yards away and arrest him. Not knowing what had occurred in the last twenty minutes due to the alcohol induced mind meld, Hingle wakes up to three police officers arresting him and telling him if I didn't make it to the hospital that they would be charging him with murder. Shaunders, jaunting back from buying cigarettes walks by the scene and asks what happened to an onlooker. "Attempted murder" he hears and see's Hingle getting arrested. How he made the conclusion that it was me that was murked by Hingle is unclear but Shaunders takes this opportunity to call my ex-girlfriend and give her the bad news...that I got murt. Ex girlfriend calls my parents, calls her closest girlfriends, and begins the eulogy on my Facebook page of my untimely demise.

I wake up thirty minutes later in an ER on a gurney with an attractive nurse over me telling me that I had suffered massive head trauma in an attempted murder, and that I was going to the CT Scan to check my brain. I still can't really talk at this point, I think just due to a combination of Alcohol and shock, but I know one thing for sure, I do not want a CT scan because i'm afraid of the radiation so I struggle to get up and apparently medical professionals have zero qualms with strapping down a potential murder victim.

While in CT the adrenaline from the rude awakening and the strap downing has began to clear my mind, and I realize I was never a victim of an attempted murder. I vaguely remember wrestling with Hingle in the street on our way to the car and getting out of the trunk and seeing blood everywhere. The results came in from the CT and the doctors confirmed my suspicion that I wasn't in mortal danger, and that I had a small gash on my head that would need 3 stitches and no brain trauma. Hingle, due to his drunken stupor was also transported to the ER to have his stomach pumped, was not yet incarcerated. Shaunders shows up to the hospital with parent's in tow. I am significantly more present now as my BAC has dropped to the high .1's and I tell them "It's not what it looks like." Shaunders in his statement to the police mentioned that we had been wrestling on our way home, and so enough evidence was present to let Hingle walk. Once our BAC had dropped to legal levels we were free to walk back to Hingle's car. When we arrived we took a look at the "crime scene" and sure enough on the corner of his trunk was a little bit of blood and a small chuck of skin and hair.

To this day when I see people I haven't seen for many years, also due to my lack of Facebook participation, are surprised to see that I'm not dead.


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