12 Lawyers Share The Dumbest Reasons They've Had To Go To Court. Objection!
Nobody really wants to end up in court, but sometimes it seems like some people really just find ways to get themselves there. Whether it's a silly lawsuit or just some kind of grudge, there are all kinds of dumb reasons to end up in front of a judge.
Here are twelve of the dumbest reasons lawyers have had to go to work.
Many thanks to Reddit user sharkykid for posing this question. you can check out more answers from the source at the end of this article!
1/12. Dude masturbated in the library. The librarian saw him. They collected his semen from the carpet and the DNA matched. There was a video.
We went to trial...
2/12. It was a paternity case dealing with the child of a teenager.
The DNA results showed that the child was not that of the girl's current boyfriend, but she insisted that he was the only man she had sex with. The judge asked her to reaaally think back to the time in question, and consider any times she had sex with other men in the room or whatever. The new mother explained that well, there was one time she and her friend had sex with their boyfriends in the same room, but they both used the condom.
"what do you mean, they 'both used the condom?' " the judge asks.
The girl proceeds to explain that they only had one condom at the time, so the friend and her guy have sex, then turned the condom inside out for the now new mom and her guy to use.
It was quickly ruled that the baby belonged to the friend's boyfriend.
3/12. The case was pretty cut and dry. Guy robbed a bank at gunpoint, teller gave him the money in a bank bag and pressed the silent alarm. Police show up quickly and she gives a description of the guy, cops are able to catch him not far away. He dropped the bank bag in the pursuit, so they had that against him.
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Never found the gun, but the teller positively IDs him, so whatever. Case is presented in court and the jury goes back to deliberate. Should have taken a very short time, the prosecutor figures, but winds up being forever. They finally come out and give a guilty verdict.
The prosecutor later finds out that the jury deliberation was held up by a single woman who must have seen too much NCIS or something because she wouldn't shut up about wanting to see the gun as proof. The rest of the jury was ready to vote guilty, but she just would not shut up. Then one of the other female jurors shut her up.
"Where's the gun? I want to see the gun! He isn't guilty if they don't find a gun anywh-"
"LISTEN HERE. You want to know where that gun is? He hid it, so that when you release him on this idiotic pretense, HE CAN COME AND ROB YOUR A**!"
The woman quickly shut up and they all voted in favor of guilty.
4/12. Client was charged with violating his probation by failing to provide a drug screen. His defense? He tried so hard he sharted, so it's not like he CHOSE to not give a screen... 30-some-odd year old man testifying to that in court, straight faced.
The DA had to duck behind the podium to stop laughing.
5/12. I studied this case in a law class, and it's hilariously stupid but it went to the Washington Supreme Court.
A 5-year-old moved an old lady's chair before she sat in it, and she fell over. She sued the 5-year-old for battery.
The court found that 5-year-olds can indeed be liable for a tort.
6/12. I represented a condo board that wanted to evict a woman. The condo bylaws allowed for up to two cats, provided the board gave permission. This woman had 19 cats, none of which had approval.
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This woman showed up to court and argued that she shouldn't be evicted since there were only 6 cats.
7/12. Client hired accountant. Accountant did work. Client decided not to pay accountant. Accountant sends me demand letter for full sum plus interest, since their contract stipulated there'd be interest for late payment.
I convince accountant to settle for full amount owing under contract, but no interest. Client doesn't pay. Accountant files statement of claim and gets summary judgment for amount owing, interest, and legal fees.
I don't act for that client any more.
8/12. I represented a guy who asked Chik Fil A if they would donate anything as a giveaway for a car show he was running. They agree and hand him like 300 free chicken sandwich coupons. The thing is, there was no car show. The guy just convinced them there was and pocketed all the coupons.
For those wondering, this is theft by deception. Chik fil a is theoretically out like $4 per sandwich. Chik fil a doesn't sue, they just tell the cops and they take care of the rest. I didn't handle final disposition but he'd have gotten probation.
9/12. I defended a conversion case (essentially, a civil theft allegation) where the parties were fighting over possession of a giant collection of Lord of the Rings memorabilia. Like, tens of thousands of dollars worth. I know those books backwards and forwards. I occasionally worked lines into the pleadings; it would have been intolerable not to. My favorite was "oft evil will shall evil mar."
10/12. My dad is an ER doctor.
He had a patient come in with an eye infection. Since he is not an opthamologist he could not diagnose or treat a disease of the eye. He gives the lady some eye drops to help with the pain, and tells her to go see an eye doc asap to get the infection actually treated. (BTW he sent her home with written instructions too.)
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So lady goes home and never sees the eye doctor. Infection gets worse. She ends up needing a cornea transplant because she's an idiot. Then she sues my dad for malpractice AND SOMEHOW WON.
Luckily my dad's malpractice insurance covered it.
The kicker is that malpractice suits in my state have a time limit to file, hers was filed right before the time limit expired. Because that's how long it took for her to find a lawyer to take the case.
11/12. Aunt is a civil suits lawyer and usually everything is settled out of court, so she mostly just does paperwork, but she has had a few cases go to trial and this is one of her absolute favorites - and one of the dumbest suits I have ever heard.
A middle-aged woman is shopping in her nearby dollar/five dollar store. She comes to a wall of hanging toilet seats - you know, the really nice toilet seats you buy at a dollar store?
She is looking at the toilet seats and proceeds to remove one to further inspect it. Somehow one of the seats just above the seat she removed falls and hits her in the head.
So she obviously goes to the nearest attorneys to sue this store for gross negligence. She could have been seriously injured by this falling toilet seat!
Details come out, and there was already a sign on the "toilet seat wall" telling customers to ask for assistance before removing anything. Workers' witness testimony say there is very little chance this woman missed the sign. Honestly from the details it sounded like this woman was just looking for some free cash.
But my Aunt's job is to win the case, no matter how stupid of frivolous. Somehow she got a jury to agree the store was at fault, and the woman won $10,000 dollars. The case and arguments got published in a monthly journal on trials, probably because it was just so entertaining (I will try to procure the actual published story if I can).
And that's that's the story of why your local Family Dollar has a glass case around the toilet seats.
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12/12. Woman went to Disney/The Magic Kingdom, and stood kicking the castle for about 3 hours. Some cast members observed her behavior and reported it to Security. A couple weeks later, she attempted to sue Disney Parks and Resorts saying a brick had fallen from the castle and landed on her foot.
The castle isn't made out of bricks. End of case.
I had to prosecute a woman in the Tampa Bay area because she had received a citation for not having her cat on a leash while it was outdoors.
The poor old lady brought in pictures of her outdoor cat to show how cute it was. I'm not even fully convinced she owned the cat as all she did to "care" for it was put some food and water outside by her shed. At that point I was fully convinced of two things; the first being that my civic duty had been more than satisfied by imposing a fine upon this poor old women.
Also, that Florida was not the place for me as everyone in the court room actually seemed to think getting a fine from this women was just and worth the tax payer time wasted to achieve the same.
Florida is an interesting place.
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You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, or so the saying goes.
The same can be said for your interactions with cops, most of whom are perfectly happy to let minor infractions slide––When was the last time you were actually ticketed for jaywalking?––provided you're not a total Karen should you interact them.
Your local police officer likely doesn't care about jaywalking or the fact that you went five miles over the speed limit unless you give him a reason to, as we learned when Redditor Takdel asked police officers: "What stupid law have you enforced just because someone was an a-hole?"