17 Parents Reveal The Weirdest Thing They Witnessed Their Kid Doing. We Will Never Speak Of This Again.
Parents of Reddit were asked: "What is the weirdest or creepiest thing you found out about your child, but you never will tell them that you found out?" These are some of the best answers.
1/17 About two weeks ago, my wife was playing outside with our kids (boy 2 , Girl 1) and she ran inside to get them some water or something. When she came back outside, my son was totally naked in the middle of the driveway taking a shit.
2/16 My wife and I have (had) a back massager. When my son was around 12, he left the dinner table to go to the bathroom. The ceiling started vibrating 10 minutes later. Our master bedroom was right above the dining room, so I went upstairs to check, only to see him humping the massager in a doggy style fashion. Without seeing each other, I just went back downstairs and explained to our dinner guests that we've been having an electrical problem.
3/17 My younger brother when he was about three started this game where he'd pretend his penis was a machine gun. So like, you could just be wandering round the house and he'd run up to you, completely naked, screaming, with his penis in one hand, making machine gun noises.
4/17 My son is 2.5 so we have many many years of creepy ahead. The other day he was rolling around on the floor in the living room, doing these really weird looking somersault things.
"Whatcha doing, bud?"
"Just trying to bite my penis."
"Oh. Well...be careful..."
5/17 Christmas Eve. Heard my 3 year old daughter say "Don't worry... you'll go down in history". Came around the corner to see what she was up to. She was in front of her play kitchen, stirring the frying pan. In the frying pan was the head of a Rudolph reindeer toy.
6/17 My son (5 at the time) announced to everyone at a large dinner party that daddy's penis was long and hairy.
7/17 Conversation with my daughter when she was 2:
Me: "What do you want for breakfast honey?" Her: "Puppy!" Me: "Nooo, what--" Her: "Can I eat the baby?" Me: "...huh?" She then goes and grabs her baby doll and proceeds to slam it in the oven. It wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't scream "SHUT UP!" at it when the doll started 'crying.'
8/17 Talking to my wife about needing to update our wills since we'd moved house, and I jokingly said to our 1-year-old, "That means if Mummy and Daddy die, you get all our stuff!". He looked at both of us, his eyes shifting back and forth thoughtfully, then slowly smiled.
9/17 Once day I found out my son was getting bullied by three other boys. I was going to call the school about it but my husband told me not to. I can only assume he told our son to fight them...
The day after my son came home from school all smiles. I asked him if the other kids were still giving him trouble and he just laughed and said "no, not anymore". Meanwhile, I saw my husband in the mirror, he had his arms crossed any he was nodding, he was probably thinking "f*ck yeah, that's my boy"
A few days pass and I think nothing of it. Then my son gets a virus on his computer and asked me if I could use my personal laptop while my husband got rid of the virus. I told him sure, and logged him in. He used it for a few hours until my husband got rid of the virus, then he shut down the laptop and gave it back to me.
Later that night I decided to go on Facebook and I noticed my son forgot to log out of his account. I know I shouldn't snoop, but I was too tempted, so I looked at his messages. I saw he sent a message to the three boys that were bullying him, and I read it. The message was along the lines of "hey Chris did you cry like a bitch today because you saw your teeth on my necklace? If any of you f*ck with my again I'll be adding more teeth to my necklace". Then he added a photo of this string with a bunch of teeth tied to it, his "necklace" I assume.
So, I found out my son wears a teeth necklace to school. When I told my husband he just laughed. Typical.
10/17 My son would cry and tell me his peepee was up. I asked him if it hurt and he said. "It hurts my feelings!"
11/17 After dating my SO for a couple months, his 5 year old daughter and I were sitting on the couch together. She started to rub my stomach and said she wished I was her real mom. The creepy part was, she followed it up with, "Maybe we could cut your stomach open and put me inside, then we can sew you back up and wait until I pop out." Yeah it was sweet in a very very creepy way.
12/17 My son is 5. His aunt took him to the mall shopping last weekend. When he came home he whispered to me "I spied on [auntie] when she was getting changed and she has the HAIRIEST vagina I've ever seen!"
I'll be reminding him of that in approximately 10 years.
13/17 The first real noises that my baby daughter learned to make, other than crying of course, were growls.
We found out in the middle of the night. Through the baby monitor.
14/17 One day my son (who was 10 at the time,) his dad and I were driving home from his basketball game and my son was telling his dad about this girl who had thrown two basketballs in his face in the game the week before. When telling his dad about it he described her as an "ugly bitch." Before I could chastise him for the language/sentiment his dad says "Don't be like that - she could be your girlfriend one day", to which my son replies "Yeah, then I'll be throwing balls at HER face".... one of those parental moments when you SHOULD be angry and punish them, but you're trying not to die laughing.
15/17 My son (5) asked me to get a particular film. It was an 80's film and it wasn't on netflix, so I started to browse torrent sites to see if there was a copy of it.
I click one of those fake "download now" buttons and a porn popup opens depicting a girl with her cheeks spread. I close it as fast as I can. "Daddy, was that a butthole? Can we see it again?"
16/17 I went into my 6 year old son's room around 10 o'clock at night when he was supposed to be asleep because I could see from the hallway that he was using a flashlight. Turns out he was naked from the waist down and had stretched the skin if his scrotum taught and was shining the flashlight through the skin if his scrotum to make his room glow a soft red color.
17/17 I was running late coming home from work one day by a few hours. My wife couldn't get a hold of me and was beginning to worry. Then my 3yr old son went to the window and said "I see daddy in the car!" My wife went to the window and no one was there. When my wife asked him where I was he responded "He's a ghost" then smiled and walked away.
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We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.