18 Times Changing The Word 'Pet' To 'Roommate' Made A Story Hilarious.
Sometimes a Reddit thread comes along that you immediately know will make for a hilarious article. This is that article.
People on Reddit were asked: "What story about your pet is most improved by referring to it as your 'roommate'?" These are some of the best responses.
1. This one time, my roommate got stuck in the pantry and cried for about ten minutes before I realized they were in there. When I opened the door for him, he just sat there and licked his balls.
2. I used to live across the street from my grandma's house. My roommate learned this fact and every day when I left to school, he would go to her house and get in bed with her.
He would spend all day with my grandma in bed and only come back later because I offered food. Even though that fat bastard also ate over at her house.
3. My roommate wouldn't stop trying to fuck the neighborhood dogs, so we went and had his balls removed.
4. My dad trims the hairs around my roommate's asshole. They can get pretty long and problematic.
5. Last night I was awakened by my room mate crying outside my bedroom door. I got up and asked her what was wrong but she just kept crying. She wouldn't shut up so I invited her in to spend the night. I went to get her some water in case she got thirsty and when I came back, she was in my bed, on my pillow, licking my husband's face.
6. It took me 6 months to train my roommate not to shit on the floor.
7. One time my roommate escaped. I found him hours later stuck inside the toilet and full of regret.
8. My roommate spent Saturday night vomiting on my carpet and then eating it again while I tried to pull her away from it so I could clean it up. But at least it's better than the time I came home to find her covered in pigeon blood.
9. My room mate was my best friend until he decided to fly away and never come back. I cried.
10. It was a long day at work. I walked into my apartment ready to unwind, watch some Netflix, eat my feelings, the usual. Then I see my roommate standing (not sitting, mind you - standing) on the couch, naked. He squats. I'm too shocked to move. He's looking me dead in the eye, never breaking contact, as he leaves a gooey, stinking, liquid shit-turd-soup all over the couch.
11. I used to have a roommate and my only vivid memory of her was watching her eat her babies alive.
12. The last time my room mate had a period, she basically had a nervous breakdown and convinced herself she had just given birth. She made beds for each imaginary baby in a semicircle around her own bed, refused to eat, wouldn't leave her bed, started LACTATING ffs, and if we moved any of her 'babies' she would just sob uncontrollably until we put it back.
When I finally got her seen by a medical professional, I was advised to take all her bedding away so she couldn't make any more beds for imaginary babies. God, she wept for days, but one morning she woke up, demanded a massive breakfast, and has been fine ever since.
13. One time, My roommate stuck her nose up my butt while I was having sex with my girlfriend.
14. My girlfriend likes to play a game with my roommate where she is in the bathroom and closes the door to just before it latches and waits to see if my roommate will push the door open. When he does, she blows hot air into his face with her hair dryer and my roommate goes bonkers yelling at her. But then he comes back for more a minute later. Weird guy.
15. I have three roommates. The smallest roommate keeps trying to hump the other two. One just takes it, but the other always gets upset. They are all male.
16. My roommate found a litter of rabbits and proceeded to stomp on 3 of them and eat 2 of them whole.
17. Had to give my roommate a ride to the doctor and help him hold still while someone stuck a thermometer in his butt. He looked at me like I was supposed to not let that happen.
18. One of my roommates got sick and barfed up her supper on the carpet, but luckily I didn't have to clean it because my other roommate ate it.
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There comes a time in our lives when we have to cut people out because of their toxic, negative, or destructive behavior. And there's no shame in doing it - tolerance and acceptance can only go so far, and there is always a last straw.
The785 asked: What was the incident that made you cut somebody close out of your life?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.