20 PhD Students Dumb Down Their Thesis Just For Us.
1. Does music express emotions or just elicit them? Read the next 200 pages to not find out.
2. Girls take birth control. Girls then pee out unmetabolized estrogens from birth control. Pee goes to water treatment plant, estrogens not treated, male fish become female fish.
3. Nanoparticles are weird and I accidentally made a bomb and electrocuted myself.
4. People trying meditation for the first time get aroused.
5. When I get rid of this gene, it messes the brain up. A lot.
6. Computer AI systems can learn to operate a warp drive and automatically build an instructional system to train people how to do it. My dissertation is probably the only one in existence to reference the Star Trek technical manual.
7. My experimental drug does NOT cure addiction.
8. Making new magnets from old magnets because we're running out of magnets.
9. Inpatients with schizophrenia are happier and socialize more in the context of a music listening group. It was obvious before we began the project and we learned nothing.
10. Little things stick together. Here's a slightly easier way to calculate their stickiness.
11. There are amoebas living in volcanos, but I never captured Bigfoot on film (I tried).
12. We can take random pieces of bacterial DNA from beaver poop and put them into other bacteria to discover new things, like how to break wood down into biofuels. Yes, I had to dissect dead beavers and handle their poop.
13. This protein looks like it might contribute to asthma. Oh, turns out it probably doesn't.
14. I crunch numbers using a supercomputer in the hopes of ensuring a fusion reactor in France doesn't get fried on the inside.
15. Two proteins touch each other in a specific place in the developing heart. No idea if it's important for anything.
16. I can make models of galaxies in a computer, but I can't explain why they don't act like real ones. Even if I bash them together or stir them around.
17. People sometimes think about animals as if they're people. People like those animals a little more than regular animals. Except when they don't. I can't believe they gave me a PhD.
18. Sand washes away, don't build important stuff on it
19. Why does a coffee stain looks the way it is, and how you can use it to make anti-laser glasses.
20. You can make antimatter move in strange ways if you set your equipment up wrong.
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Whoops. That snip was just a hair too far....
Your first bad haircut probably made you want to die a little when you looked in the mirror. Imagine how the person cutting your hair must have felt. Although, maybe they didn't care at all, as evidenced by the bs excuse they gave you when you finished in the barber chair.