21 Of The Most Brutal Comebacks Ever.
People on Reddit were asked: "What is the most brutal comeback you've ever heard?" These are some of the best answers.
1/21 My crazy neighbor's crazy daughters, who are identical twins, are having a massive argument:
Twin 1: "F*ck you you ugly bitch!" Twin 2: "We're twins you f*cking moron!"
They heard me laughing.
2/21 My dad is a pediatrician. Someone said to my brother: "Your dad touched my balls."
My brother's response was: "Yeah, and you paid him for it."
3/21 Former New Zealand Prime Minister Bob Muldoon reply to the thousands of Kiwis relocating to Australia: "New Zealanders who leave for Australia raise the IQ of both countries"
4/21 This one happened TO me. Absolutely brutal, but hilarious.
I was on a job site with a co-worker named Scott, redoing some plumbing in an empty house. We had an iPod going, and a song by White Zombie comes on. I can't remember the name of it, but the intro has audio clips of a woman having an orgasm. I yell to Scott "Hey, I think your wife is here!" He was sweeping up some dust after drilling a hole through some concrete, so, he scoops it up, walks over, and very slowly pours it on the floor in front of me with a smirk on his face and says "Hey Pat, your mom's here."
My mother had been cremated about 3 weeks before this happened. Rekt.
5/21 When I was 12-ish, the mean girl in dance class watched me spill water on myself, then said "Smooth move, exlax", so I said "Thanks, pepto-bitch-mol". Ten years later and I still haven't beaten that one.
6/21 When a hurricane was pounding his home state, Chris Brown tweeted "Please pray for Virginia."
TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "Oh God, what did you do to her?"
7/21 When Kobe said that Shaq being lazy at practice drives him crazy and Shaq responded with, "Kobe missing practice to go to court for rape drove me crazy."
8/21 Back in the day I was in Quality Control (USAF). QC were the bad guys who were always checking up on how equipment and aircraft were being repaired and maintained. We were the guys who wanted to see the technical data out, open and being followed. We wore black baseball caps with white "QC" letters on them. One evening I wandered into the Avionics building around the midnight shift change time. There I was spotted by a Technical Sergeant who did not like me much. He was surrounded by three young female troops and apparently couldn't resist showing off for them and f*cking with me. He said loudly "Look out... It's QC - the Queer Chaser." I quickly replied "That's right, Sergeant Boyle... I'll give you five minutes head start." The girls all burst out laughing and the sergeant turned red... and never bothered me again.
9/21 "Which one of us is a city council member?" "Apparently the wrong one"
Me, 11 years old, debating a CC member during an election campaign.
10/21 A few years ago, MySpace Tom was defending Instagram when someone tweeted Says the guys that was not able to keep a social network alive. MySpace Tom responded Says the guy who sold myspace in 2005 for $580 million while you slave away hoping for a half-day off.
One of the greatest internet burns of all time.
11/21 Lady Astor: "If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your tea."
Winston Churchill: "If I was your husband, I would drink it."
12/21 My HS principal once insulted my mother's english (she's not from America). She just politely apologized for the mixup and said "I'm sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?"
13/21 Someone tweeted at Ken Jennings (jeopardy star) that he was reusing jokes on Twitter.
He replied, "The only joke I've done twice is your mom."
14/21 "What are you lookin at asshole?!?!" "How many guesses do I get?"
15/21 I had a customer angry we couldn't take another company's gift card. He said "Are you saying I can't read?" I said "No our store got sold we can't take those anymore the grace period ended 2 years ago" when he looked at the gift card again he said nothing. His wife said "I guess you can't read after all".
I wanted to high five that lady.
16/21 "Watch your mouth young man!" "Watch your weight middle-aged woman!"
17/21 I was on Xbox Live and some older girl was trashtalking these young kids who were admittedly 9, 10, and 12. She said something crude, and another guy pipes in and tells her to get a life. She exclaims, "I have a life, this is my boyfriend's game, I'm just on my lunch break." The youngest sounding of the kids with no hesitation or pause says to her, "I didn't know hookers were even allowed to have breaks."
18/21 Lady in line at starbucks: "Could you please compare and contrast the five following roasts of coffee bean and tell me whether each would be best with pound cake, lemon squares, or pecan pie . . ." Cashier does his best.
Woman: "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? I don't speak gay."
Cashier: "No problem. I'm fluent in bitch."
19/21 Armenian guy told a Russian guy "Russians are retarded." Guy answered "Well what's worst, being retarded or invaded by retards?"
20/21 When I was 13 some older (and heavier) girls were picking on me in dance class. I remember one of them saying, "Bite me", in front of all her shitty friends. I replied with, "I'm trying to cut fat from my diet". Shut that cow and her friends up real fast.
21/21 "Your dicks the size of a tic-tac"
"Is that why your moms breath is so fresh?"
It's hard working in customer service, especially with irate customers. You need to be able to empathize and understand where your customers are coming from, show sympathy, and be willing to help them with their problem. However, if they come at you ranting and raving about an issue which clearly has nothing to do with you, well, then you're free to rant about them on the internet.