21 Parents Reveal The Worst Thing Their Child Has Ever Caught Them Doing.
Parents of Reddit were asked: "What is the worst thing your child has caught you doing?" These are some of the best answers.
1/21 One of my kids walked in on me and my wife with our girlfriend. Incidentally the "we were just wrestling" line becomes a lot more probable when a third participant is involved.
2/21 Once when I was in the shower my four year old yanked the curtain open and asked me why I had hair on my penis.
When I tried to tell him that I don't have a penis because I'm female he asked me if it was my butt. Try explaining that girls don't have front butts or a penis while standing naked in the shower with the door wide open. Finally I just told him he'd have hair on his butt one day and he cried and ran away.
3/21 My wife and I were fooling around, I was going down on her while using her toy (one that turns and gyrates and vibrates, very loud) on her. Being responsible adults I assumed I had locked the door to our room after putting the kids to sleep. Anywho, she is lost in her pleasure, edging closer to orgasm, and I have my head buried between her thighs, with my naked ass in the air, going to town, so of course neither of us hear the door open, or our 7 year old son wander in until he says "Mom? Agh! Oh, ummm..."
We quickly attempt to cover up while he throws his hands over his face in an attempt to un see the terrible things I was doing to his mother except he leaves his fingers spread apart and puts his hands near his forehead, his body frozen in place in horror. I start laughing, mostly due to embarrassment and his ineffective attempt to hide. My wife takes him to his room and talks to him, asking if he has any questions. All he could come up with was, "Does this mean I am going to have another sister?"
4/21 About an hour ago, I walked into the apartment and addressed my wife with, "There's my sweet piece of ass." Two seconds later, our six year old son walked out of his bedroom and said, "Hey, Dada."
He's also found sex toys on several occasions.
5/21 My 6 year old heard me tell my boyfriend that I didn't ever want a girl, I wanted a boy, and that I cried when I got the ultrasound revealing her gender. She came out of her room in absolute tears. I felt awful and reassured her that I am, in fact, incredibly happy that I have a daughter as wonderful as her. I felt like an ass.
6/21 Smoking. I normally smoke outside and away from the house a bit. He's caught me a few times, and every time I have this moral dilemma where I feel I should quit on the spot.
7/21 My two boys had just come home from elementary school sex education lecture and I was working in our garage. They climbed up in the rafters where they had their "fort" while I worked below and asked me if I would answer some additional questions for them about the things they had talked about at school. Believing myself to have conquered most all of my hang-ups, I said sure. My youngest boy asked me what cum tasted like. I asked him what his tears/blood tasted like. He said salty and I said that the same was true for cum. He thought about it for a while and then asked, "How do you know, dad?
8/21 My son has Crohn's Disease and when he was diagnosed at 6, he had a lot of trouble with an abscess, for which he needed minor surgery. So, after the surgery, he was left with a wick in place (on his butt) to help the abscess drain. Anyone who has ever been through this knows its common for people to wear a pad or panty liner during the draining phase, for convenience. So, my little then-7-year-old would go happily off to school with a secret backpack pocket full of panty liners, in case he needed them. Predictably, being 7 and being male, he thought this was the only use for panty liners.
Cut to a few months later, I am alone in the bathroom and starting to suspect its about to be that time of the month. My son ended up walking right in just as I was affixing a panty liner in place. I cannot accurately describe the look of shock and confusion on his little face. He looked right at me and yelled, "Mom! I see you with my butt things! Take that off! Those are mine!"
He's come to be convinced I had secret butt surgery and didn't tell anyone.
9/21 My bed faces the door. It's like 3:00 in the morning, think the kids are passed out. Too stupid/lazy/trusting to close the door so I instead reverse cowgirl-it so I can watch the door. Few mins in, I lock eyes with my son. I'll never forget his expression. The next day, he ask for me not to be naked in my bed anymore. Ok, son. Sorry.
10/21 I think my son was about 6 when I had my lady friend over one night. Being fairly un-wealthy, I had a one bedroom apartment and my son's bed was tucked away in the living room behind a couch, a mere 12ft from my bedroom door. Cue loud moaning from the very enthusiastic lady friend. The next morning my son asked why she had made a weird "ughh ughh ughh" noise. I said she was trying to stop me from tickling her. Poor excuse, but I think he bought it.
11/21 Apparently my three year old woke up the other night without my hubby and I knowing. We were in the middle of having passionate hot and steamy sex and she watched from the door without making a peep. Those of you with three year olds know that right there is impressive. But it gets better... She watches us and then sneaks back into her room, closes the door and goes to sleep. Something she has NEVER done.
The next morning we are eating breakfast together and she says out of no where" mommy why was daddy dancing on your butt last night?" I literally choked on my coffee and said "WHAT are you talking about" and then she proceeded to tell me how last night she woke up and saw daddy dancing on my butt and then started to gyrate in the middle of the kitchen showing how he was dancing. My hubby could not lift his head out of embarrassment and left me to answer her question.. The only thing I could think to say was we were having a dance competition and it was hot :( ... annnnnnd now she keeps asking to have a "dance off"
12/21 I'm a single mom and when my son was four or so, he walked in on my changing and asked me why my chest was so much bigger than his. He said he didn't realize that it was actually my body that was big in my shirt, he thought it was just a type of shirt girls wear.
Fast forward a few weeks, I guess he had been talking about this in his pre-k. The teacher emailed me about it and I said I would talk to him about it. He came home and I started talking about what was okay to say in school and what wasn't and he says "But mom, they didn't believe me when I said that boys have nipples and girls have boobs!"
13/21 Our four-year-old walked in right in the middle of some early-morning sexy time. We thought he was asleep and forgot to lock the door. We covered up fast, but then it took forever to convince him to leave. He knew something was going on and was determined to figure out what it was.
14/21 My husband was acting like an idiot while he changed after work, he doesn't wear boxers under his uniform so there he was flailing his dick around like an idiot. Right as he started to helicopter it, noises included, my five year old woke up and barged into out room. There he stood with his ass pressed to out wall holding his boxers in front of him telling her to get out. I was no help for about a minute as I was just giggling.
15/21 Recently divorced, my girls were about 7 and 5. I was laying on the couch when my 5 yr old brings me my big ol' vibrator she found under my bed. "Mommy what is this?" I jump up and grab it from her and take off upstairs to hide it when my 7 year old is hot on my heels: "Mommy what was it, tell me!" I walk out of the room and I hear my 7 year old grilling my 5 year old, "Describe it!", she said. My 5 year old says, "I don't know, it was some game and it shook like this (demonstrates her whole body shaking)." Would have loved to have heard what they told their dad.
16/21 I took video of a chick giving me a BJ and my 12 year old daughter snooped through my phone and found it. It was pretty bad. She told my ex-wife and I had to hear about it from her too.
17/21 One night my wife and I were going at it pretty hard after the kids went to sleep. We were both just totally caught up in the moment when I pulled out and just started painting my wife's stomach/tits white (like, this was a 10-roper). It was exactly at that moment that I hear "What are you doing? Why don't you have any clothes on, Daddy?" I look over and find myself face to face with my 3 year old daughter. I tell her that I am looking for my clothes and she replies "What is all that water on Mommy's tummy?" Trying desperately to distract her I ask her why she is out of bed. Her reply: "Mommy's breathing woke me up. Is she sick?"
So yeah, top that.
18/21 My 4-year-old boy walked in on his father and I in a 69....I saw the door open over his shoulder and heard the little voice say, "Mommy?" My husband had gouge marks on his back for two weeks from the panicked reflex I had to save my son from this life-altering sight of his parents. Alas.
19/21 Um, so. We sleep in the same room as our kid (still co-sleeping, she's 2.5). Sometimes we don't get a time to ourselves in a week, and urges happen. One night we rolled her from our shared Cal. King bed to her twin (next to the king) and hubby starts going down on me. We're insanely quiet (plus white noise. Freaking crazy cats don't even wake her). She starts to wake up, then pops up. Sees me.
"Hi baby. It's ok, I'm still here. Go back to sleep." "Where's daddy?" I try to explain, but after a few moments from under the blanket "I'm here." Fortunately she plays tent/hide with the blanket often enough she laughed and thought that's what we were doing, but it was awkward for us.
20/21 Peeing in the backyard. No big deal as a man, right?... Until you walk by a back window a few days later and see your 3-year-old daughter squatting in the yard because "that's how daddy does it". Mom was not impressed.
21/21 My gf and I were f*cking one night after our three-year old went to bed. We had had some wine and must have just passed out after we were finished and forgot to "clean up".
Next morning, we wake up to a large pink dildo slowly rising like the sun over the edge of the bed held by a tiny three-year old hand. As his face rose up, his extended arm holding the dildo high above his head, he grinned and said in a sing-song, overly-cheery tone, "Raise your hand if this is yours....!!!"
My gf quickly grabbed it out of his hand and yelled in his face: "THAT'S MOMMY'S SPECIAL MICROPHONE!"
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We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.