32 Super Truthful Moms Confess Outrageous Things About Motherhood.
This article is based on "Scary Mommy". If you're interested in reading more, check out the link at the bottom of the article.
Mothers are our biggest champions, our #1 supporters, and our go-to for just about everything. But sometimes Mommy needs a break from motherhood. If Mommy doesn't get that break for a while, shit happens. Read below to hear some confessions from mothers who may have reached their breaking point.
1/32 I just picked an Oreo crumb off my shirt and ate it. Except it wasn't an Oreo crumb. It was a tiny poop pellet from my son's diaper. Oddly, I wasn't all that disgusted. I've been a Mom for a long time.
2/32 Took a bubble bath, shaved my stuff, and put on a teeny tiny nighty for my hubby. He was so turned on that he pulled me close for a passionate kiss. As he ran his fingers through my hair, two small Legos fell out.
3/32 My husband thinks the charger for the remote control helicopter is missing. It is missing. At the dump many months ago when I was pregnant and annoyed.
4/32 I have leg hair older than my toddler.
5/32 I make my daughter healthy smoothies with kale, spinach, and fruit. I put far fewer greens in mine. And I add ice cream. LOTS of ice cream.
6/32 I have a special fancy butter knife that I use only to eat frosting straight out of the can.
7/32 Sometimes I put my kids in time out even when they weren't being that bad or I know it wasn't their fault, just to have a moment of silence.
8/32 If somebody gives my kids a toy that makes noise but doesn't have an on/off switch, I donate it.
9/32 I am so boring that today I fell asleep while masturbating.
10/32 My toddler is currently eating Lucky Charms from underneath the couch. At least she's eating something.
11/32 Pooping with the Baby Bjorn on was a new motherhood low.
12/32 How my husband is not totally repulsed by my mom body is beyond me but hey, sex is better than ever so I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.
13/32 I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as she leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fueled snarling and histrionics. Then I close the front door and flip her off, with both hands.
14/32 I'm wearing maternity jeans but I haven't been pregnant in six years.
15/32 I poured myself a shot at 9:30 AM so I don't completely lose my shit on my 18 month old. Why are toddlers such assholes?
16/32 When I need a break I change the clocks an hour forward and tell the kids it's time for bed. Then I have a beer and watch Teen Mom.
17/32 I wish I could be my 2-year-old for a day. I could run around pantsless making unreasonable demands and then be forced to take a nap.
18/32 I let my toddler shoot me with his toy gun so that I can take a power nap while I play dead.
19/32 If I ever leave my husband I'm gonna marry my crockpot. It cooks better than him and doesn't whine about sex.
20/32 I refuse to acknowledge (even in my own mind) the idea of a favorite child. However, right this moment, I definitely have a least favorite.
21/32 I put my daughter down for a nap early so I wouldn't have to share my breakfast with her.
22/32 Hidden in the pantry in a box labeled "flour" is top of the line chocolate and a few joints. I rarely resort to it but it's a comfort knowing it's there.
23/32 I confiscated my teenager's stash of pot, gave her a lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.
24/32 I joined a gym just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs in the locker room.
25/32 At the end of the day my needs are really simple: to be able to shit in peace.
26/32 I'm a 36-year-old that gets creeped out when men in their 30 and 40s hit on me. In my head I'm 26.
27/32 I buy store-made muffins and pass them off as my own for bake sales.
28/32 Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: "No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don't eat ANY fast food." I let them eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.
29/32 I put my kids to bed in their clothes so I don't need to get them dressed the next day.
30/32 If I have to watch Barney one more time, I may have to stick a fork in my eye. Actually, then I'd get some attention. Maybe not such a bad idea.
31/32 I sometimes try to get sick, just so I have an excuse to go to sleep at 6:00pm.
32/32 I just "brushed" my teeth with the cuff of my sweatshirt on the way to pick my daughter up from school... You know, in case I have to talk to someone.
"It wasn't me!"
There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked: