26 People Share The Craziest Thing They've Seen During A Wedding Speech.
Weddings can be a bit awkward, and there's a lot of pressure involved when one is asked to give a speech in front of a room of fancily-dressed folks. Some rise to the challenge, some fall under its weight.
Here are twenty-six of the craziest and funniest things people have seen during a wedding speech.
Many thanks to all of the Reddit users who responded. You can check out more answers from the sources at the end of this article!
1/26. I shoot a lot of weddings, but the best one I heard was "Well, she's moving in with Dave now, so it looks like all the ladies will have to give up their keys to your place." Silence. "Ladies, I'm not kidding... give them up". Every woman in the place gets up, walks to the head table, and drops a key in front of him. The last one was a very old family friend who, with her back to everyone, opens her blouse and flashes the guy. It ends up, she was wearing a shirt underneath that said "Everyone thinks I'm flashing you right now".
2/26. Idiot best man decides to talk about the grooms drunken college sex history.
3/26. I asked my dad to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. My dad - well, he's a bit of an odd fellow. Very socially awkward, but he means well and his heart is in the right place. He was very proud to walk me down the aisle, and wanted to make sure he did a good job. So he polled some married female friends of his to get their thoughts on their experience walking down the aisle. Most of them replied with some variation of " Oh, there was so much going on and it all went by so fast. I don't remember too much about that part, actually."
So my dad, bless his heart, took that to mean their biggest regret was not making the walk down the aisle part memorable. So he decided he would have to MAKE. ME. REMEMBER.
All of this he explains to me, just as we're about to begin the procession. He says "Don't worry, just follow my instructions." And so we begin to proceed, and just as we near the rows and rows of people, he begins barking instructions. "LOOK OVER HERE! NOW LOOK OVER THERE! SMILE AT THIS PERSON! COMMIT!!! COMMIT THIS TO YOUR MEMORY!!! NOW LOOK BACK TO THE LEFT. NOW THE RIGHT. SLOW THE PACE DOWN! NOW LOOK TO THE FRONT! LOOK AT [FIANC]! SMILE AT [FIANC]!" And so on and so forth, all the way down the aisle. Meanwhile I'm trying to communicate to him through the smile plastered on my face "Yep, yep, it's okay, I think I got it." And everyone watching was shooting us confused looks.
Well, I guess it worked, cause it's not something I think I'll ever forget!
4/26. Groom's father made a speech along the lines of "we knew she was a keeper when he brought her home and we heard them getting it on in the bathroom."
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5/26. The groom's mother faked an epileptic fit because the bride was getting too much attention.
6/26. Wedding in north Carolina. Father of the bride is also the pastor. Brides sister is a "recovering" addict who has been clean long enough to be trusted to be a bridesmaid. Big mistake.
Starts normal enough. Bridal party and bride and groom all up there and pastor (father) starts talking. Then I notice bridesmaid sister slowly falling forward and catching herself a few times. Then she starts swaying even more. Pastor notices but keeps rolling. Swaying gets worse. Friend of the family gets up and goes to stand behind her to catch her in case she falls. At this point she decides it would be a good time to ask her mom (in front row) to borrow some money. She does so loudly. Mom and everyone else ignore her but she asks again more loudly. It's clear by her speech she is lit- at this point the pastor pauses and asks her to be quiet. Wrong move. She begins to berate her father, the pastor using language not intended for church. The family friend standing behind her tries to lead her away but she turns and slaps him. He picks her up cavemen style over the shoulder and starts to walk out a nearby door while she is screaming. He walks through the doorway and she grabs the frame and holds it. He breaks away but not before the bridesmaid gets in a few more f bombs.
Then the pastor finishes like nothing happened.
7/26. At my cousin's wedding, the priest made a long speech going on and on about how wonderful and responsible it was of the couple to get married once they got pregnant out of wedlock.
Most of the bride's family did not yet know she was pregnant.
8/26. At my parent's wedding the priest started with "We are gathered at this funeral today..." the worst part is he started going on with the typical funeral speech until he was stopped. To be fair he was well past retirement age.
9/26. I was at a wedding when the best man concluded his speech saying "as you might know, I'm here with my wonderful girlfriend, we've been together for five years now and, well, I've had a few drinks but I hope you will indulge me if I ask her a very special question...". All this time he's been reaching into his pocket and I could see from his girlfriend's face she genuinely believed he was working up to a proposal. He then pulls his car keys out of his pocket and says "I'm a bit pissed, love, can you drive me home?" The girlfriend walks out of the room, the guests are in uproar - the guys are all in hysterics and the women are all horrified. Quite a night.
10/26. At my brother-in-laws wedding the grandmother of the Bride was asked to say grace before the meal. My father and I happened to be standing by the bar after getting one last drink before it closed during the meal. We figured we would stand there during the 30 seconds or so while she blessed the food...
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She pulls out 3 pieces of paper, completely full front and back, and starts in on the history of the Brides family. Here is what so and so is doing now. When and where everyone has moved into their current homes. Updates on nieces, nephews, cousins parents, grandparent, everyone. No one knew she was going to get up there and talk for 15+ minutes about people nobody cared about.
My dad and I actually finished our drinks and ordered 2 more by the time she was done. I refer to it as "The 3 Drink Grace".
11/26. At my sisters wedding, my drunken uncle went up and said a couple words.
Them being: "I'm surprised you managed to have a successful wedding, how did this happen without your mom being the [controlling busibody] that she is?"
A silence like no other.
12/26. I got up to do a best man speech and I made everyone stand to make a quick toast to "some really important people whom I'm sure you will all meet throughout the evening. Without them none of this would be possible" Then I toasted the bar tenders. The place went crazy and it set a great tone for the rest of the speech.
13/26. My sister was my maid of honor and her opening line was "DJ drop the beat". She then proceeded to rap her maid of honor speech. She even threw skittles in the air, because we used to plant them to see if they would grow when we were younger. It was amazing. Just picture a super white, awkward girl standing on stage bobbing her head and pretty much telling our life story in an epic five minute rap. I was crying laughing by the end of it.
14/26. One wedding I went to, the pastor started giving the typical "marriage is hard work" speech. He talks about how many marriages fail, and all the people he's counseled through divorce. He goes on about how that on their wedding day, they're just like this couple and who think they're going to make it but 6 months later they're getting a divorce. I'm trying hard to keep a straight face, the groom is starting to look like he wants to punch the guy, and I can hear people behind me disguising laughing as coughing. I keep expecting him to bring it around to something positive, but he doesn't. 15 minutes of, "Marriage is hard and lots of them don't work."
Find out at the reception, he was a family friend. With a lifelong unrequited crush on the bride.
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15/26. Went to my uncle's wedding a while back. His bride had been divorced and chose her family pastor to officiate. The pastor called my uncle her ex-husband's name during the vows multiple times...my family was not happy.
16/26. My best man managed to forget our rings in the car before the ceremony. It was cool. He managed to wrangle two rings so we could play it off during the ceremony and we had a good laugh about it and, during the reception, told a lot of people what had happened.
When it came time for his best man speech, he went to the center of the room, cleared his throat, started patting at his coat pockets, and then announced that he had left his speech in the car.
17/26. Best Man: "And now that you're a married man, I think we should make an agreement. I'll stop hitting on your sister if you'll stop hitting on my mom."
Groom shoots out of his seat and yells, "Not a chance in hell!"
18/26. My brother (best man) started his speech with the classic, "It is common knowledge that the best man speech should only last as long as the groom can in bed...with that I bid you good evening." Insert long dramatic pause amid a hoard of laughter That really set the tone for the rest of his amazing speech and had the crowd in stitches. His delivery was spot on.
19/26. I was best man at my friend's wedding. When it came time for my speech I pulled a paper out of my pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband he was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone..etc.. Then I squinted at the paper, stumbled a little over the words-turned to him, handed him the paper and announced, "I can't read your handwriting".
Brought the house down.
20/26. Can't remember where I heard this... " Me and [groom] have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me and after turning him down the first three times I couldn't refuse again."
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21/26. My ex-brother-in-law opened with:
"I was nervous about this speech so I just prepared a few lines. After snorting them, I got to work with the writing", or words to that effect. I think I was the only person laughing.
22/26. I saw a grooms brother say, "I always knew you would find the best wife" in front of three other sisters in law.
23/26. My Wife's best friend/Maid of Honor called me the wrong name in her toast... the name she called out.... my wife's ex boyfriend....
I laughed it off at the time... but to be honest I was pretty humiliated.
24/26. Two of my best friends got married about a month ago. Another friend of mine gave the opening speech at the reception and began with this line: "A wise man once said, love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably poop..." After the crowd was done laughing hysterically, he somehow found a way to make the quote heartwarmingly relevant to their relationship.
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25/26. At a friends wedding and her husband was some crewman on a submarine. Some of the guys read out some letters for people who couldn't make it. His captain said "seaman. Report depth and position at 0200 hours!"
26/26. My friend was getting married and it came time for his dad to give a speech...his dad is a retired 3-star general in the US Army, and so his speech was very...patriotic. He went on about 'these two great Americans getting married' and 'America has a bright future', and after he said America for the 4th time, my buddy (we were both groomsmen) yelled out 'AMERICA, F*CK YEAAAAAAHHH!!!'
Totally brought the house down.
Bonus: My cousin parroted the speech that the Impressive Clergyman gave during the wedding scene of The Princess Bride. Only a couple people under 40 got it. My mother whispered in my ear, "Oh my God, I think Michael is having a stroke."
Secretly, we all fear having birthdays like the one in Sixteen Candles, where nobody shows up and we're forced to deal with how lonely we feel as people. But sometimes, people have things happen on their birthday that put Molly Ringwald to shame.
It stinks to have your special day go sour. Moreover, it hurts, that if whatever happened was bad enough, you will never be able to not associate your birthday with that awful thing.