Most of us have a love-hate relationship with puns. They're too clever to ignore. But they're also not funny enough to warrant a laugh. Behold, a list of puns so good and so bad, you can cringe and chuckle at them all you want.
1/35. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
2/35. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
3/35. Bob: How much can a whale ejaculate?
Wanda: The average whale ejaculates as much as 300 gallons of semen.
Bob: Thank you.
Wanda: You're whalecum.
4/35. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
5/35. If a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.
6/35. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.
7/35. Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
8/35. There was a newspaper headline about a tightrope walker walking across the river Han in Korea. The headline went
"Skywalker Crosses Han Solo"
Continue the cringe-laughs on the next page.
9/35. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
10/35. Q: Which animal is best at playing poker?
A: The bluffalo!
11/35. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
12/35. What are you when you're running in front of a car? Tired. What are you when you're running behind a car? Exhausted.
13/35. To whoever took my Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.
14/35. Whiteboards are remarkable.
15/35. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
16/35. The Times ran a headline for Micheal Foot's involvement in a Nuclear disarmament movement.
Headline read: "Foot Heads Arms Body"
17/35. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
18/35. Your calendar's days are numbered.
21/35. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Continue reading on the next page.
22/35. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
23/35. Q: What's the tallest buildingin any city? A: The library! Because it has the most stories.
24/35. One day, the monks at the monastery decided they need to raise money.
Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God.
All except one, that is.
The local florist! He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused.
A week later, he went back again, and begged the Friar to close down the shop - he was going bankrupt, and his family was hungry!
Again, they refused.
Another week still, the florists's mother went to the monastery and nagged them to close down to save her poor old son.
And yet again, they refused.
The local florist was fed up with the monks, and spent the last of his money to hire Hugh McTagart, the roughest thug in town, and well know for doing anything for money.
Hugh went to Friar Tuck, and told him that if he didn't close their florist shop, he'd have to 'persuade' them. Initially, Tuck refused-- but when McTagart began to smash up the shop and threaten the pacifist monks, he caved in and closed the shop.
Just goes to show you; Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Continue reading on the next page.
25/35. Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no matches or cigarettes or anything to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
26/35. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
27/35. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
28/35. Me: Jake, if you could be anything in the world, the sky's the limit, what would you be?
Jake: An astronaut!
Me: Hey! I said the sky's the limit!
29/35. Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do? A: Diddly-squats.
30/35. Did you guys hear the joke about the high wall?
It's hilarious! I'm still trying to get over it!
31/35. A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in the entire zoo. It's a shitzu.
Continue reading on the next page!
32/35. "Knock knock."
"Isabella broken? I kept pressing it but finally had to knock."
33/35. Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A: A condescending con descending.
34/35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
35/35. You're living, you occupy space, you have mass. You know what that means? You matter.
1. Q: Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain? A: To get to the bottom.
2. Q: Why did the octopus blush? A: Hed just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
3. I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
This article is dedicated to Jess, the punniest person I know.
"It wasn't me!"
There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked: