48 Short, Clean Jokes That Are Surprisingly Hilarious.
Need a short, clean joke that can be used anytime, anywhere to get a guaranteed laugh? We've got you covered.
Below are 48 quick, clean jokes, as told on AskReddit. Check them out! A source to even more can be found on the last page.
1. A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"
2. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, Can you all see me now?
3. "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."
4. What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He's not coming no matter what you call him.
5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
6. I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
7. For when you're driving by a cemetery:
"Did you know that the people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here?"
"Because they're still alive."
8. An old woman fell in a well. She didn't see that well.
9. My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were,
"Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
10. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
11. The temptation to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away.
12. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them as says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
13. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey pirate, you have a steering wheel coming out the front of your pants!"
Then the pirate says, "Argh, its drivin' me nuts!"
14. Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
15. Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
16. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof.
He disappeared without a tres.
17. A duck was standing next to a busy road, cars were zooming past while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to it and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it"
18. What should you do if you see a spaceman?
You should park, man.
19. Want to hear my bird call? (Clears throat, pretend to be practicing to get the right pitch, cover mouth, open hands and say loudly:)
20. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
21. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming.
22. -Knock knock-
Yes they do!
23. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
24. What's ET short for?
Because he's got little legs.
25. What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
26. "Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? Reese.. uhhh?"
"No! With a knife"
27. Guy goes into a bar with a giraffe, the giraffe falls asleep on the floor, next guy comes in and says, "Hey, what's that lyin' on the floor?"
Bartender says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
28. Two satellites decide to get married. It wasn't much of a wedding, but boy was that reception amazing!
29. What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
30. In Trinidad a steak and kidney pie costs 2.50. The same pie costs 3 in Jamaica.
These, my friends, are the 'Pie Rates of the Caribbean'
31. "What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?"
In a pirate voice: " No, it's actually the C!"
32. -Knock knock-
Cows go who?
No, cows go 'mooo'.
33. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
34. What do you call a cow with no legs?
35. So a photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop says, "Can I carry any of your luggage?"
The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
36. What's brown and sticky?
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
37. To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
38. The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
39. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
40. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
41. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
'Make me one with everything.'
42. Why did the banker quit his job?
He lost interest!
43. I went to a zoo once, but it only had one dog.
It was a Shih-Tzu.
44. What's blue and smells like red paint?
45. R.I.P boiling water. You will be mist.
46. A man was hit in the head with a soda.
Good thing it was a soft drink.
47. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
48. How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"It wasn't me!"
There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked: