48 Short, Clean Jokes That Are Surprisingly Hilarious.

Need a short, clean joke that can be used anytime, anywhere to get a guaranteed laugh? We've got you covered.

Below are 48 quick, clean jokes, as told on AskReddit. Check them out! A source to even more can be found on the last page.

1. A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"

slashchunks

2. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks. 

The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, Can you all see me now? 

Yes. 

Oui. 

S. 

Ja.

Artemis420

3. "This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder."

johnbugara

4. What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter. He's not coming no matter what you call him.

JohnThePhysicist

5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? 

Outlaws are wanted.

Professor_pranks

6. I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

alcaraz17

7. For when you're driving by a cemetery:

"Did you know that the people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here?" 

"Why?" 

"Because they're still alive."

symbiosa

8. An old woman fell in a well. She didn't see that well.

Arkham_Assassin

9. My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, 

"Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

93jay

10. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.

amateur-dentist

11. The temptation to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away.

Alexxm

12. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them as says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Boom9001

13. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey pirate, you have a steering wheel coming out the front of your pants!" 

Then the pirate says, "Argh, its drivin' me nuts!"

top_ofthe_foodchain

14. Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

PM_ME_GHOST_FEET

15. Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

ReganofCornwall

16. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. 

He disappeared without a tres.

PMMEURFELLINGS

17. A duck was standing next to a busy road, cars were zooming past while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to it and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it"

weliveintheshade

18. What should you do if you see a spaceman?

 You should park, man.

haroldburgess

19. Want to hear my bird call? (Clears throat, pretend to be practicing to get the right pitch, cover mouth, open hands and say loudly:) 

"Here bird!"

iforgetredditpsswrds

20. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

yyzlhrteach

21. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming.

ICanSeeYourAura

22. -Knock knock-  

Who's there? 

 Owls 

 Owls who? 

 Yes they do!

nissansilviafan

23. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Bosswashington

24. What's ET short for?

Because he's got little legs.

goodmicroscope

25. What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

Bryaxis

26. "Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? Reese.. uhhh?"

"Witherspoon?"

"No! With a knife"

Caymonki

27. Guy goes into a bar with a giraffe, the giraffe falls asleep on the floor, next guy comes in and says, "Hey, what's that lyin' on the floor?"

Bartender says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Allenrw3

28. Two satellites decide to get married. It wasn't much of a wedding, but boy was that reception amazing!

idontknow1138

29. What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

majime100

30. In Trinidad a steak and kidney pie costs 2.50. The same pie costs 3 in Jamaica.

These, my friends, are the 'Pie Rates of the Caribbean'

Wiggamortis

31. "What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?" 

Victim: "ARRRRRRRR!" 

In a pirate voice: " No, it's actually the C!"

2Lumpy2Stump

32. -Knock knock-

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go 'mooo'.

so_whaat

33. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  

A fsh...

anomalous_cowherd

34. What do you call a cow with no legs? 

Ground beef.

Scarlet-Janefox

35. So a photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop says, "Can I carry any of your luggage?" 

 The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

damnitnana

36. What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer!

DreadfulRauw 

37. To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

buggs_bunnee

38. The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. 

 They charged one and let the other one off.

PM_ME_UR_AUDI_TTs

39. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

masteroflife67

40. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

 You look for fresh prints.

raevpet

41. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

'Make me one with everything.'

onequbit

42. Why did the banker quit his job? 

He lost interest!

crazymanfish90

43. I went to a zoo once, but it only had one dog. 

 It was a Shih-Tzu.

ThrindellOblinity

44. What's blue and smells like red paint? 

 Blue paint.

PbCuSurgeon

45. R.I.P boiling water. You will be mist.

WowInternet

46. A man was hit in the head with a soda.

 Good thing it was a soft drink.

Yeasty_Geese

47. Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He never lands.

EskimoDave

48. How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

69.

frontlawnmaterial 

(Sources: 1, 2)

"It wasn't me!"

There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.

Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked:

Redditors who were once considered suspect of a crime they did not commit, what's it like being held under suspicion and how did it affect your life?

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