Amused Parents Share The Funniest Things Their Toddlers Believe

Savor these moments, parents. Your kids will never be able to make you laugh quite so easily!

[Source listed at the end of the article.]

"My two-year-old believes she has an imaginary friend named Trump.

As it turns out, hes a pretty mischevious fellow.

He talked her into drawing all over her arms and legs with purple marker.

Apparently, the other day Trump also tried to snatch her baby brother, so she had to chase him around the house with her sword.

Its funny. We laugh it off.

But then, we went to a dinner party with my husbands co-workers. My daughter, being the ham that she is, was thrilled to be the center of attention of all of the adults. Seriously, they had formed a little circle around her as she danced around and entertained them with her stories.

Then suddenly she shouts, 'Everybody hide! TRUMP is coming!'

I held my breath.

The entire room burst into laughter.


Sheree McDonald

"I am responsible for putting dreams in my daughter's brain before she falls asleep.

Its a part of our nighttime routine. I read a book, tuck in the kids, give them hugs and kisses. Then I put my hand on the top of my youngest ones head, murmur some nonsensical chant, ask her what she wants to dream about that night, chant a little more, and then tell her I put the dreams in there.

Sometimes, I tell her that I put in dreams about 'Ice cream, puppies, and spiders.' Then shell say, 'No! Not spiders! Take that one out!' So I put my hand back on her head and tell her I took it out.

Sometimes, if shes having trouble sleeping, shell come into my room and request better dreams, because the ones I gave her arent working. Its cute when she does it before 10 pm. Its annoying when she does it after that.

Sometimes, I tell her its a 'surprise dream.' In the morning, she tells me what she dreamed about, and I say, 'Yep, thats the one I put in there.'"

Matthew Bates

"My first son, by the time he was 2 years old, he had experienced several electronic toys that had stopped working, resulting in him asking for my help. Each time, I would explain that they needed batteries. It seemed he understood what that meant, because he would hand me the toy, and wait for me to install fresh batteries. Or, if I did not have batteries, he would accept that, and play with something else.

One morning he was using crayons to draw. We had one of those Crayola boxes with 96 crayons in it. That means a wide variety of colors. When my son took out the very, very light blue crayon, and tried to draw with it, the color barely registered on the paper.

He looked at me, and indicated his frustration with the lack of color on the paper. Then he held the 'defective' crayon up towards my face, and said:

'Needs batteries.'"

Shulamit Widawsky

"When my kids were 5 or 6, I took the family out for Mothers Day dinner and the restaurant had a really nice outdoor deck. The kids were a little weirded out by the whole lobster my wife ordered. Meanwhile, they were also bothered by seeing the occasional bee buzz by. 

So I told them that the lobster was the mortal enemy of the bee, and that the lobster on the plate would keep them away. 

Peace for the rest of the evening. 

Apparently they believed that for a few more years."

Eric Ruck

"Band-Aids can apparently cure ANYTHING. Im going to throw my wife solidly under the bus for this. It started probably about two years ago. If my two-year-old had the tiniest booboo, she would come crying. My wife would offer her a Band-Aid. 

Within a few months, Band-Aids were cures for just about anything. You were running around the house, slipped, and somehow hit the top of your head? The scream, 'BAND-AID!' will issue forth from my little one like she was an extra in a war movie screaming, 'MEDIC!'

And you know what? If it calms her down enough to let me look at whatever the damage is, its worth it. I just bought a giant pack of Band-Aids at Costco. As far as my family believes, Band-Aids can cure fever, a cold, and any headache I may have."

Daniel Kaplan

"When my son was a toddler, he seemed to have confused my identity with his stuffed lion.

It was really sweet. He loved his lion, and called him 'My Lion.' But he also called me that. And if he encountered me in the house, he would come chasing for me, saying 'My Lion' over and over again. Hed then line the lion up with me, look at us both, and repeat, 'My Lion.' He ended up called me that instead of Mom for months.

I loved every bit of it. That is probably the sweetest nickname I have ever gotten."

Mel Kartmazov

"My little one Nate has been counting a lot. Hes even starting to learn the way numbers wrap around—after nine its ten, after nineteen its twenty, and so on.

Today, after his bath, I had some fun counting with him. When hes excited he repeats words, so I said, 'Eight eight eight!' And he called back: 'Nine nine nine!'

I said, 'Nine nine nine!' And he called back: 'Ten ten ten!'

Then he paused. Softly, he corrected himself: 'Nine nine ten.'

And thats how my boy counted to a thousand when he was only sixteen months old. As a mathematical physicist Im tickled silly."

Shern Ren Tee

"My youngest son lost his first tooth by biting into a piece of chicken at dinner and accidentally swallowing it. When he realized what he had done, he was very upset. He said he really just wanted to hold his first lost tooth for a little while. He then realized the Tooth Fairy would have no way of getting his first lost tooth and she probably wouldnt leave him any money because he could not produce the prized tooth for her.

The next morning he found all sorts of glitter on his pillow, along with a lasso made of floss and a note from the Tooth Fairy herself. The note explained that she had to lasso that first tooth right out of his belly, because everyone knows the first lost tooth is the most magical type of tooth and thats where all her fairy dust comes from. 

She left him $5 and told him not to worry, because if he ever swallowed another lost tooth, she would always know and he would always get a little gift for his efforts. It was a very exciting morning!"

Stephanie Riffee Black

"My two-year-old son believes that if I didn't see him do something, then it didn't happen.

For example:

Since I didn't see him eat this doughnut, it never happened.

He assumes I have no idea what's on his face, no idea why one is missing from the box.

Basically, he's convinced he's smarter than I am."

Amity Woodford

"A few days ago, my four-year-old daughter went up to her mother. I was sitting nearby reading the newspaper.

My daughter: 'Mom, Yusra (her first cousin) told me that you will die when I grow up? Is that true?'

My wife (surprised and angry at Yusra): 'Baby, everyone has to die someday.'

My daughter: 'No. You are not going to die. You and I both will live together. Only dad has to die.'

I almost collapsed on the floor. My wife was shocked too and laughed for ages."

Shehryar X. Bhatti

"My toddler believes that even if we make eye contact while playing hide-and-seek, I can't see him as long as he stays quiet. I don't mean a quick glance in his direction. I mean maintaining solid eye contact for 5 seconds or more.

It's really funny when I make believe that I can't see him, even though I'm hunting around right next to him."

Ashwin Ranganathan

"My two-year-old is convinced there are monsters in our house. She will come out in the middle of the night to tell me this, as they make it hard for her to sleep. Ive tried to tell her that I took all the monsters to her cousins house, but then she gets upset. Why? Because she worries about whether the monsters are okay.

The monsters in the bathroom are her biggest concern. Ill take the blame for this. When you get tired enough of diapers, youll tell your kid anything to get them to want to use the toilet. So I told her there were monsters in the walls of the bathroom, which were hungry and thirsty, and thats why we use the toilet, to feed them. The sound of the toilet was them… consuming our waste. No, it didnt appear to get her to toilet train any faster, but it was worth a try."

Daniel Kaplan

"Once, my three-year-old daughter asked me, if we didn't vacuum the carpet in her room, would it grow really tall like grass? And could we grow it up to her knees?

Her face was so genuine. I didn't want to let her down, so I told her it would indeed keep growing, which was why we had to vacuum the carpet to keep it trim and healthy."

Jennifer Haskell

"My daughter is 2.

She either believes or used to believe the following:

That elderly people need dirt to grow, like plants. This is because of a certain Magic School Bus episode.

That if she is sitting under, or behind something even a little bit, she is hiding.

That apples and milk are all the sustenance needed for her tiny body.

That when daddy goes to work, he just goes downstairs in the apartment building and hides all day.

And last but not least, that sleep is optional. 'I don't feel like sleeping tonight,' she once informed me."

Brianna Beard

"When my kids were small, in order to get them to eat their vegetables, I used to tell them if they ate enough carrots they would be able to see through walls.

I found out recently that my son believed that until he was 8 years old, at which point his little sister pointed out the logical failure of that notion. They are plenty of carrots before they figured it out though!"

Jennifer Haskell

"This may be not the funniest story, but I find it absolutely logical from the toddlers perspective.

My daughter is a bubbly two and a half year old and has just attained mastery over the word 'STOP.'

Any time her mother or I want to feed her something healthy, or make her wear weather-appropriate clothes, she responds with a clear, 'Mommy… STOP' or 'Papa… STOP,' and we basically figure out other ways to make her do our bidding.

In her little head, she believes this one word is the solution to all things.

Recently, there was a heavy downpour and I saw her standing in front of the balcony door, sad with sunken little eyes. I asked her what had happened. She said,

'I said rain STOP…….. but STOP no Working!'"

Vishal Arora

"For my daughter, any time before today counts as 'yesterday.' That works out for her pretty well, since no matter what day it is, she tells everyone her birthday was yesterday… unless it is today. Either way, she gets plenty of attention for being the birthday girl.

Most of the things Ive tried to get her to believe wont stick. When Id take her to the zoo, Id try telling her that she was a monkey and that we were trying to find her family. Shed get really serious, lower her brow and her voice, and say, 'Im a little girl, not a monkey.'"

Daniel Kaplan 

"My daughter has always held a fascination for sky and the heavenly bodies, especially the sun.

She's in kindergarten, and loves to draw the solar system during free play. She knows the names of planets and the basic characteristics of the solar system off by heart.

She observes and asks numerous questions regarding the sky, clouds, earth and other planets.

Now, one day I overheard her telling this to her little two-year-old sister:

'If we want to fly up in the sky we just have to get a big syringe. Then we suck up the light from the sun and insert it into ourselves, and we will fly.'"

Muhammad Ishaque Abbas

"This is a story about yours truly as a three or four-year old. I used to think that in order for your mail to get delivered, you had to tell the mailbox where it was going.

When I was a kid, Id be with my dad while he was dropping off mail. He would look at me, then speak the location into the mailbox. Im not quite sure how or why he started doing it but it became a bit of a tradition.

If he ever forgot, Id remind him that he didnt let the mailbox know and wed head back to the mailbox.

He recently reminded me of this. We were running errands when I told him I needed to send out a birthday card to a friend. As I open the mailbox to drop the card in, he reminded me to say the location or else it wouldnt get there. I totally cracked up!"

Chiara Duff

"My former toddler believed that instead of getting bigger herself, I was getting smaller. She told me that when I got little, I could have her favorite shirt. She told her dad/my husband that when I got little, she would marry him and be his wife instead.

'You can't,' my husband replied.

'Why not?'

'Because I'll be little, too.' She nodded thoughtfully. She hadn't thought of that complication.

I bought a new car and told her we were going to take the old car to the dealership, leave it there and drive the new car home. But what if you don't already have a car? she asked, thinking of her own situation. How do you get to the dealership to get your new car? Then she decided that Grandpa could take her when it was time for her to get one.

Another thing that worried her, which most people have never even considered is this: When you buy a house, how do you move it to where you want to live? I believe she was going to have Grandpa help her with this, too.

She's 37 now and figured these things out a long time ago."

Monica Anderson Haluska

"A couple of days ago I was alone at home with my five-year old. At some point I hear him say downstairs: 'I love you.'

I asked: 'Hey, who are you talking to?'

He responded: 'Siri. She just updated my iPad and everything looks so new and beautiful.'"

Elena Ledoux

"When my daughter was 3, for some reason she thought all bras were filled with air and every woman decided how much air she wanted in her bra.

Therefore, the made-up name by her for all bras was… 'Airbra.'

'Mom, here's your Airbra to put on.'

'Is it time for you to put on your Airbra, mommy?'

'I can't wait until I get to have an Airbra!'

I had no idea why she was stuck in that thought because she sure knew what was in my bras, until one day we were getting ready to go out to a restaurant. I looked at her and she had one of my bras on the OUTSIDE of her clothes and expected us to all go out to eat that way!

The only thing missing was some air for her Airbra, so she'd look like her mom. It all made sense when she yelled, MOM I NEED SOME AIR FOR MY AIRBRA BEFORE WE GO!

A year later, we were clothes shopping and I asked her if she needed any Airbras, of course smiling as I said it.

She looked at me like I was nuts."

Rebecca Baldwin

Article Source

Have you ever found yourself in an argument so stupid and/or pointless that you were sure you were being punked? Like you keep looking away from the other person to check your surroundings for places Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew could come popping out of?

You're not the only one.

u/Anti-hollowkid asked: What is the dumbest argument you've ever been in?

Brace yourselves, folks. Some of these arguments are breathtakingly bonkers. The sheer number of people who are willing to argue with someone over provable facts and what that other person likes or doesn't like is just ... stunning. It's stunning, you guys. Just not in a good way.

I Know What I Like


My wife and I once argued over whether or not I liked mustard on my hot dog. I was for me liking mustard, she was against me liking mustard.

The argument lasted way longer that you could ever imagine it would.

- AardvarkAndy

A Stair Step

My brother and I argued if our staircase had 13 or 14 steps, based on an argument about if the floor of the second floor counts as a stair-step or not. We still have no solution.

- RazerWolf04

My dad is a stairbuilder and I spent many summers working at his warehouse, so I can clear this up. 14.

- Apples9308


My husband and I have this thing where we only say "I love you" on Saturdays. Every other day it's "I love you, but only on Saturdays." I don't know how it started, but it's been going for 11 years now.

We're both shiftworkers, so sometimes we have to stop and think what day it actually is. We had an argument recently over whether it was Saturday or not. I said it was Saturday, he said it was Friday. It was Monday.

- FormalMango


I remember when I was about 13 my parents had an hour-long shouting match that ended with them almost getting divorced. The issue? Whether or not the nation of Iraq has a coastline.

My mother arguing that Iraq had a coastline, while my stepdad argued that it did not. This was back in 2004, and they are still quite happily married to this day. That incident is something they look back on and laugh about, and both of them admit it was really a pretty stupid thing to argue over.

- dontcryformegiratina


With an ex:

"I owe you $80 for the bills of ours that you pay, and you owe me $40 for the bills of ours that I paid. Here's $40 in cash; we're even."

She did not understand this.

I literally had to go get another $40 out of the ATM, and hand the $80 to her. Then I had her hand me the $40 she owed me.

"Now how much do you have in your hand?"

She still didn't understand.

She somehow has a college degree.

- Speedly

Mini Wheats

When we were kids my brother and I got in a physical fight because he said I like mini wheats and I insisted I didn't. His argument was that I always sang the mini wheats song and I was deeply offended that he wasn't aware that it was just stuck in my head but I hated the cereal. I actually did like the cereal I'm not sure why I was arguing with him about it but I remember how genuinely angry I was.

- shicole3



I'll tell you about the only legal trouble I've ever been in, the fight that got me arrested. It started over whether we should return a box of crayons or not, and to this day I don't have any idea how it escalated to the point of the cops being called, but they were and I was the one taken in.

- CorrectionalChard

That's Unfair

My boyfriend insisted that when two people are in an argument and one makes a point so reasonable and logical the other one can't disagree with it - it's unfair. I tried, logically and reasonably, to explain several times why that is just winning the argument, proving your point thoroughly and is completely fair.

His answer was that I was being unfair.

- ShyAcorn

Pure Masochism

How the ch in masochism is pronounced. My friend caught me saying "masoKism" while he would say "masoSYism."

To be fair, he grew up speaking French, in which the ch in masochism is pronounced in "his" way. But he insisted that I was the wrong one here and that was just infuriating.

- argofire

Emailing NASA

A woman was adamant that looking at the big solar eclipse on the television was unsafe unless you were wearing glasses. She wouldn't believe us and insisted on emailing NASA to check.

- derawin07

A Non-Standard Ruler? 

I worked for a company that made signs. We had a customer ask for signs that were 7mm wide that were to go on a door. Our sign makers figured the order meant inches because 7mm is pretty small, so made them 7 inches. I got a phone call from the customer who went mad at me for making them the wrong size. So I put a reorder through for 7 mm.

Argued with the sign makers over it but they eventually agreed to do it after I shown them the order in writing. I even had the customer put her complaint in writing, reiterating the size they wanted.

7mm signs went out and a day later I get the customer on the phone literally screaming at me.

Cue the dumb argument - we ended up having an argument over how big a millimetre is, and obviously everyone in the office were laughing, but this customer just wouldn't accept it and said we must be using a non-standard ruler to measure.

Ended up being escalating to the sales department manager who refused to issue a refund. We still don't know what they actually meant.

- Lovelocke

This Unusual Vegan Argument

Was in a pub with a few friends, and some random Dude dropped an ear, and somehow figured I'm vegan. Well, people like him are the reason I usually avoid mentioning it. He came up to me and insisted on starting a discussion about veganism. He claimed that by the end of it, I would be eating meat again.

He listed some stupid arguments, I told him I was not convinced and then tried to keep on drinking beer with my friends. He followed me, and wanted me to "try to convert him to a vegan." I stupidly listed some of my reasons thinking it would make him go away. He told me he still was not convinced, so I was like whatever. Again, I really just wanted to drink beer with my friends.

That dude followed me all night and expected me to try make him vegan. Doesn't matter what I said, and all the reasons that for me are obviously good enough to be vegan. He'd be just like "No, that doesn't convince me, therefore your argument and how you life is stupid."

Didn't matter how often I told him that I honestly don't care; 5 minutes later he would come up to me again "I'm still not vegan, so veganism is stupid, all your arguments were stupid, now give me a good reason to become vegan!" At one point, I was literally yelling at him that I don't give a single flying f about what he eats and why, that it's in no way my responsibility to "turn somebody vegan" and in no way his business what I eat.

Honestly, for that dude, I would have bought a whole ham, just to shove it up his stupid annoying face.

- onlytruebertos

Monty Python

In college my roommate and I argued about a line in Monty Python & the Holy Grail. The scene with the Black Knight where the line "Alright, we'll call it a draw" is uttered. We argued about who said that line, whether it was King Arthur or the Black Knight.

It went on for hours longer than it should have because I was stubborn and refused to admit I was wrong.

- Skrivus

Albert or Arnold


Whether Albert Einstein or Arnold Schwarzenegger would be more useful to have around during a Zombie apocalypse. How on earth would Albert Einstein come in handy!?

- Gerrard1995

Below Sea Level

I live on an island and when you go upland and you look out the sea looks like it's higher than or on the same level as the land. It's just a weird perspective thing because of the horizon. One day some kid says that it's because the island is under sea level.

I'm like wtf bro all of us would be with the fishes. He argues that no that's not true and if I just go upland I'll see. We then spend a good 5 minutes of my time arguing about it until I decided to leave this kid in his stupidity. He even said we shouldn't believe everything adults tell us and sometimes we need to think for ourselves.

This kid was older than me and was going to a good school. Lost my respect for him ever since then.

- -justforclout-


Someone tried to fight with me over how to spell my name.

Now, my name is in a lot of languages with slightly different spellings. I would have accepted any of those spellings, but this one was just... Not even close. It didn't make any logical sense.

An analogous example is if my name was Thomas and someone was insisting it was spelled Tomash. And not just the name Thomas in general, but that me specifically, on my birth certificate, was named Tomash. I know how to spell my own name.

I swear to god, it went on for like an hour.

- TK-DuVeraun

Whales Are Mammals

I was in an online chat room one day, and we were talking about whales. I commented on how whales are mammals and the next thing you know, someone was arguing with me and trying to convince me that a whale was a fish.

- kawaii_psycho451


Stupid microwaves. Having a man child talk down to me about how microwaves work only for him to google it and prove me right. He slept on the sofa that night.

- sun_phobic

Shower Schedule

My friend keeps telling me that the norm is that a person should shower once a week. This has been going on for years. I'm almost convinced he's trolling me.

- LibrarianGovernment

No Balloons For Grandma

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky.

He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space. Releasing balloons is terrible for the environment and kills/harms so much wildlife.

He got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

- Dskee02

Spontaneous Dolphin Existence


How dolphins reproduced. It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence. The argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day.

- thebeststory

Male Chickens

I repeatedly had the argument with a friend over whether roosters were chickens. She was convinced that only the females were chickens (hens). We were 18 at the time.

- bee_zah

Lightning McQueen

Me and my friend were drinking underage, we ended up in an argument of whether lightning McQueen's eyes were blue or green. Somehow throughout the whole thing both of us never thought to straight up google a picture.

- 23071115

But ... Ice Floats

Waiter/Host here.

Woman wanted ice on the bottom of her drink.

Now read that sentence again and try to imagine arguing with that particular brand of stupid.

- FarWoods

Time Zones Exist

Coworker claimed that it was the same time of day and the same season on the whole globe. Had to get 4 coworkers to confirm to him that time zones do in fact exist.

- JustARegularToaster


My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?"

"that's orange"

"no, it's red"



It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

- droneb2hive

Andre 2000?


I'm late, but I saw this question and instantly remembered that I was booted from a Facebook group because I called someone out on a lie that was not only bull, but extremely pointless. She was friends with the moderator and they made the case that my argument over such a little lie was more of a problem than the lie itself (though they didn't refer to it as a lie.)

The woman said that she used to babysit for Andre 3000 and that his name was Andre 2000 - but he changed it after the year 2000 had passed. This was so easily disproven it was ridiculous. Their debut album came out in 1994 and he was already going by Andre 3000 at that time.

The argument wasn't a huge long drawn out thing, but the fact that either of us were on Facebook at separate times meant that the responses were over a long period of time so this argument lasted a few days.

It was stupid.

- P1ST0L_Wh1PP3D

Stars Like Our Sun

I was arguing with my grandpa about stars he didn't believe that there are other stars like our sun. Basically he thought there is only the sun, the moon and the earth.


Richard Nixon

I have a degree in history. I mostly focused on nationalism. Wrote a 50 page paper on it and Richard Nixon with around 50 100 sources. Looked at micro film for hours on end. Part of the paper focused on how Nixon being chair of the house committee of Unamerican Activities was used as a powerful weapon to use against political enemies. It also inspired Joe McCarthy. Have had people tell me I was wrong and Nixon was never elected to a position besides the president and Joe McCarthy came before Nixon. I stopped trying to talk history to people.

I also know quite a bit about the history of the Balkans its amazing how many Serbs refuse to believe Tito did anything wrong.

Wrote 100 page paper on nationalism in Israel. Its frustrating to talk about because for some reason a lot of people think Palestinian firing rockets randomly into Israel is ok but if Israel retaliates the people get up in arms over a targeted air strike that kills 3 people.


Balloon to Heaven

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky. He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space.

And he got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.


Binder Clips

I got into an argument with a co-worker over how we were attaching two pages of a letter together: small binder clips or paper clips.

He felt that paper clips would leave a "dent" in the paper when removed, but binder clips won't. He refused to staple them together. I felt that binder clips would also leave a "dent", so we might as well just use the paper clips.

It ended with him saying: "Do what you want [me], I don't care!" and storming off.



Once got accused of faking being Jewish. Why? I have no clue. We argued over the course of a month, any time I'd bring it up and she heard about it, she'd begin going after me for "faking it".

My mother's side is ethnically Jewish. Grandparents were practicing.




3 friends and I once got into an argument about how to pronounce Nutella. It lasted for about 3-4 months. It was hilarious how serious we took it, it'd get heated but never for real serious.

I think someone even called the company that made it to check, or that may have been for the Cheetos company. We were really bored in high school.


Lingerie Boxes

Late to the party, but there it is.

I'm a manager at a small store. We're only 4 working there, so my team and I grew very close and we joke around a lot. Once during a slow shift, my employee and I had an argument because we were looking at the lingerie boxes, and I thought that two specific boxes had the same woman on it, but she was 100% positive they weren't the same person.

Looking back, I don't know why it was such a big deal to us at the time, but we even called another employee who lives across the street to come and tell us what the heck was up with that. Turns out I was right, and she was pretty salty about it. It was a great night.


Wicked Witch of the West

I almost got into an argument with an old girlfriend over Glinda the good witch from Oz. She insisted that Glinda was manipulating Dorothy to assassinate the Wicked Witch of the West and convince the Wizard to leave to create a political void she could fill.

I conceded the issue when I heard the whole premise because I thought it was too damn stupid to get worked up over.


Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Just the other day I legit got in an argument with my co-workers on why I don't like my butt being grabbed by anyone (I'm a guy). Seriously.

They went on about "I don't mind it. Mike and I do it all the time and we don't care." Yeah, that's nice dude, but I'm not you, and there's something called "Keep your hands to yourself" (which was taught to a good portion of us growing up). Just like how Karen wouldn't like it if I touched her boobs or her grabbing your crotch or frankly ANY area you wouldn't like being grabbed, keep away. In general, you should not be touching me in any areas after I've told you not to several times before.

So unless you're sleeping me or dating me, keep your damn hands off my toosh.



My best friend and I argued over whether or not telekinesis was possible. Her argument was that humans don't yet know what the human brain at 100% usage was capable of, and that telekinesis was inside the possibilities.

I said the brain does use 100%, just at different times.

We didn't speak to each other for four days.



How dolphins reproduced and whether or not ghost existed (back to back with the same person). It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence (the argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures).

How it shifted to the existence of ghosts is a solid and reasonable question to ask (I don't remember why). I had to then proceed to tell her that ghost hunting TV shows do not constitute as undeniable evidence.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day. This was in high school SO... hopefully she was kidding.


Dogs and Chocolate


I told this stupid woman that chocolate is toxic to dogs. She went on to tell me how a little bit will just make them hyper and then they will calm down. I told her to google it. Her and her bf shut right up. Now they have a kid. Good luck, Jeremy and Andrea. morons.

I should also add that this argument started because Jeremy was giving his tiny dog chocolate and I told him it was toxic.


Is water wet?

My roommate and I have a recurring argument over whether or not water is wet l, and whether or not a person is considered wet underwater.

For the record, it is no to both questions.


Mission Trip

A kid a church telling me about the mission trip I went on. Not only was I not on that trip, but I had never been on any mission trip. We were good friends, so it's not like he would've mistaken someone else for me.

He insisted I was there as if an entire week long trip would just fall out of my memory. He even had stories of things we'd done together. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying, joking, stupid, or crazy, but I was pretty sure he was some combination thereof.


Dragon Tales

One time I got into a shouting match with my mom and little brother in the car. The issue? The names of the two-headed dragon from the PBS kids afternoon show Dragon Tales. I swore it was Zack and Macie.

It was actually Zak and Wheezie. I don't even remember why we were yelling about it.


Green Or Yellow?

When I was about 15 or so my mother and I spent about 20-30 minutes arguing about the color of a shirt. We agreed it was blue/green, but to me it was just a shade more blue, while to her it was just a bit more green.

Turns out, your eyeballs yellow as you age and hers were 24 years yellower than mine, so I think that skewed her color vision.


Stars In Their Multitude


I once got in an argument over whether or not a line from the song "Stars" in Les Mis says "...but mine is the way of the lord" or "mine is the way of the law".

I didn't even really care what he thought but he was so adamant and cocky that it got me heated. By the end of it we were shouting at each other and I had to apologize, which I think is what he wanted the whole time.



My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?" "that's orange" "no, it's red" "orange" "YOU CANT EVEN KNOW".

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.


Hot Water

About five years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) once had a very intense argument about whether or not hot water cleaned things better than cold water.

She genuinely believed that water temperature didn't matter. This is someone who has not one, but two masters degrees.

We argued for something like 2 hours, and we seriously almost broke up over the whole thing.


Biology Class

I had an argument with a girl IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIOLOGY CLASS in high school about how humans are not mammals. She thought a human was a human and we are not mammals because "mammals are animals and humans are not animals"

I tried explaining to her the difference between reptiles and mammals and how humans fall under the mammal category to try and educate her... but she just wouldn't listen.

I still have no idea why the BIOLOGY teacher did not get involved...


Solid Or Liquid?

Some classmates and I got into a heated debate as to whether or not the human body could count as a soup, salad, or sandwich. The teacher got mad at us, but hey! All we were doing was watching a movie.

For the record, my logic lays with soup- Liquid contained within a solid, at a hot temperature.