BF Caught By GF Snooping Through Her Phone/Laptop Blames Her For His "Trust Issues"
Can I help you find something?
Redditor u/asdfg1234566 reached out to world because she is having an issue that could poison any relationship forever...
Boyfriend [26M] can’t stop invading my privacy to the point I [24F] feel violated and insecure in my own home
It all began after the first month we started dating and I don't know why I didn't end things right then and there. While I was taming a shower, he looked through all of the photos on my laptop and yelled at me cause I still had photos of me and my ex. I didn't even remember, cause I don't look at those photos and I guess I was too lazy to delete them. Also, I don't use that laptop so often since it's slow, soooo yeah, I wasn't being sentimental.
I've always been a nosy person and I admit I stalked his wall, his exes, even his parents, BUT it was all public info. I've been alone with his laptop/phone etc. but I've never ever even thought about reading his private conversations. I wouldn't do that to anyone. He doesn't care, though. He memorized my ipad password and he read everything, including some really private posts here on reddit. He yelled at me and broke up with me.
He occasionally lurks in my facebook account, because I'm dumb and I'm always like "No, he wouldn't do that again" but he always does. Today I was logged on our shared laptop and I saw in my fb app that there was some activity going on 40 minutes ago while I was taking a shower. I looked the chrome history, but he had deleted everything. I lost it and I started crying and he had the audacity to blame me for his trust issues and said that there is something I'm hiding since I'm reacting this way. I tried to explain I have nothing to hide, but it's just horrible to feel uncomfortable at home. I can't even sleep properly anymore because I'm nervous if he'll decide to randomly read my messages. He scrolled maybe months of my fb searches which is really embarrassing and yelled at me again. He said I must be hiding something since I'm so upset. I don't hide anything and I never gave him a reason not too trust me. Once he dumped me and I grabbed a beer with an old friend and he found out, blamed me for cheating on him and even complained to my mother. I go to therapy every week (not only because of him, I have other issues). There was this group session and I met a boy who has similar problems to mine and I felt that finally I'd have someone outside therapy to talk to. He's not my type and I didn't like him in a romantic way, I just felt we could be friends but my boyfriend found out we've talked once (because he was snooping again ofc) and again yelled at me. He said I was a cheater and that's why he had trust issues. I've always been faithful and I didn't deserve this.
I changed all my passwords but I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own home. He went out and told me I deserve this and he's right to invade my privacy and I have no right to be mad. I don't know what to do anymore.
Bye Felicia! Felicio?Giphy
Time to break up, change the locks and text your bf to leave you alone. If he continues stalking you, report him.
And please ask a tech-savy friend or professional to check your laptop/phone for automatic key loggers.
Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction?'
I had a roommate who did that. Does he ever comment on something (a forum post, a phonecall, etc.) that he shouldn't have been able to know about, even if he snooped through your phone? That's what gave away my roommate.
I really do hope you break with up him. I don't want to be alarmist, but level of insecurity and jealousy can turn very dangerous. If he can't have you no one can.
If you don't have an immediate tech savvy friend handy temporary use a different laptop until you either figure out how to test for keyloggers or just do a clean install after moving your pics and documents.
Also consider 2 factor authentication to log into accounts so even if they have the password without the phone giving the verification code (or a little password dongle) they can't get in.
Duck and Cover!Giphy
I dated a programmer for about a month and while in the shower, just like OP, caught him going through all my stuff on my laptop. It was immediately over, because it had only been a month. I could understand better if we had been together for years, but Jesus. He acted like it was no big deal. Huge red flags. Dodged a crazy bullet for sure.
Is THIS happiness?
Break up. Honestly, if you can't be comfortable at home, where else is there? He doesn't trust you, he's never going to trust you, you aren't happy... what about this situation makes it worth hanging on to?
Don't be his Weapon!
He will definitely use your feelings against you if you bring him to therapy. He will pretend to understand and maybe seem apologetic during the session, and then things will become worse afterwards. This bridge needs to be burned. Laptop needs to be reset to factory settings. Maybe search around for how to find if he's got a keylogger (is that the right term?) downloaded on the laptop and how to go about getting rid of it. Find someone tech savvy. Take this to the police if he has done that.
Personal Safety First!Giphy
This is horribly abusive behavior, and no, you don't deserve it. My advice is end it, do what you have to do to keep yourself safe, and keep seeing your therapist.
They get better at knowing what other people see as normal and acceptable and hide their bad behaviors accordingly. They learn the language used in therapy surrounding abuse and they'll use it to sound intellectual to you and others to prove that they're not the one at fault, and they'll twist things around to make it sound like they're the victim.
Listen to yourself... you already know...
Why would you agree to marry and try to have a kid with this man? If you think he won't constantly accuse you of the bay being someone else's and really ramp up the abuse once you're pregnant/married you're really in for a rude awakening. And he won't stop with you, he WILL do this to your children, especially if you have a girl. Why do you think so little of yourself? Why do you think you deserve this?
You're here, which means part of you knows how messed up this is and if you're looking for 'permission' or encouragement/validation- you will find it here.
But if you take nothing else away from this, take this- DO NOT get yourself any more intertwined with him than you are. No marriage, no kids, no renewing leases, no joint accounts, etc. It's better to be alone and have to have a semi-awkward conversation with your parents about a breakup than to constantly be grilled about every little thing you do and feel like a bug under a magnifying glass rather than an autonomous woman.
That last sentence is a lie. You know exactly what you have to do, you just don't like it.
Onward and Upward!Giphy
Don't waste another precious minute of your life with him. He won't change, he will only get worse. He doesn't think he's in the wrong- he blames you for his crazy behavior. Everything will always be your fault with this guy. You absolutely do not want to have a child with him because then you will be tied to him forever plus you will be giving him another human to emotionally abuse and control. Make sure he doesn't have access to your birth control, you might even consider "losing" it and getting a new supply just in case. Even better, don't have sex with him again. Get out of your lease and get him out of your life. You can have a healthy and happy relationship, but not with this guy.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, or so the saying goes.
The same can be said for your interactions with cops, most of whom are perfectly happy to let minor infractions slide––When was the last time you were actually ticketed for jaywalking?––provided you're not a total Karen should you interact them.
Your local police officer likely doesn't care about jaywalking or the fact that you went five miles over the speed limit unless you give him a reason to, as we learned when Redditor Takdel asked police officers: "What stupid law have you enforced just because someone was an a-hole?"