BF Cheated On Vacation And Asked GF For Open Relationship, And She Seeks Advice
Is love enough?
Redditor mama_tried22 has a relationship concern that seems to be a running theme in romance today. There are just somethings we're not all cool with... or we might be. mama_tried22 posted... My (24M) boyfriend of three years came home from holiday and told me (22F) he'd kissed someone. And is now asking for an open relationship.
He came home, we went to lunch and he told me what a good guy he'd been because his buddies were being stupid (they have girlfriends) and how I would've been proud of him.
Then after lunch he took me to a river and asked me how I felt about our relationship - I told him I loved him (bc true). He told me I was the love of his life and he didn't want to be with anyone else. But that we're young and he doesn't want to regret anything. He then told me what happened - he went out dancing with another lady and they ended up kissing before he left. I've trusted him through or relationship so I'm banking that to be all that happened. I just told him that we're human and things happen.
He then asked for an open relationship- bc he didn't want to feel guilty for kissing someone and maybe probably doing it more in the future. I was taken back and at first I almost saw it being something possibly? But then I went home and thought it through and realized it wasn't for me.
I told him this and that I didn't think I could be with him knowing that he wants to sleep with other women. And he kept telling me that we didn't need to break up and that the open relationship was just something he wanted to see how I felt about.
I don't feel like he ever said sorry and if he's not sorry okay cool. But am I crazy to feel like he didn't consider me in the equation at all? I am feeling a little of everything. I know I can't be with someone no matter how much I love them knowing that's how they feel.
I feel blind sided. Open to all thoughts. I can't tell if I'm not truly seeing his side. Please tell me if I'm being fair.
No Girl! No!
"Hey, I didn't cheat on you, you should thank me!...Okay, I did cheat on you, but not as much as my friends cheated, so you should still thank me!! I plan on cheating on you again, but first let me see if I can coerce you into an open relationship to assuage my own guilt about cheating on you--aren't I so considerate?!?"
He's selfish and immature. I would dump him.
Follow the playbook!
The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did... You deserved it.
The BF is on Step 5. Step 6 is closer than you think, OP.
To follow up on this polyamory is totally natural, but there was no communication beforehand. As this user stated, he cheated. He didn't let you know ahead of time by saying 'hey lately I've been thinking..' he just did it. Then used some 'I'm a good boyfriend for not fucking her though!!' You are being extremely rational & kind about this OP, but what he did was still wrong. If he's wanting to explore this path but you're the 'love of his life' he should have said something first rather than doing it & telling you after. I'd let him go, or at least take a lot of time for yourself before you consider making this work. I was talking about this with my boyfriend today, actually. If someone decides to go down a polyamorous route, & you want to stay monogamous, it's time to call it quits. Shame on him for cheating on you. Best of luck.
Good Luck Girl!
Also for future reference: you can tell when people want to use an open relationship as a pass for crappy behaviors because they always see open relationships as a sexual free for all and the equivalent of having no house rules and having their cake and eating it.
Open relationships involves all the people in them being aware, consenting and able to choose to participate. They still have rules and boundaries. They aren't a free pass to f**k anyone you like with no consequences and care for their feelings. That's not non monogamy. That's being a f-boy.
I'm in an open relationship and we'll all free to see other people within boundaries we've discussed in advance. If I just randomly hooked up with someone in a context outside that it would still be cheating and my partners would rightly be upset because I disregarded their needs, disrespected the relationship and was selfish and probably used the outside person.
If you aren't mature enough to understand what an open relationship actually is, you aren't mature enough to have any relationship. It never fails to amaze me the self absorbed types who can't consider one partner's needs thinking they could multi task more people in a relationship when all they can think of is themselves.
I'm sorry your BF turned out to let you down like this but I think you dodged a bullet discovering how selfish he is before you committed legally or financially. Good luck in your life without him.
Discussion and rules first...
From what I've witnessed, people who cheat on their significant other then ask for an open relationship are usually trying to ease their guilt or justify their actions.
Polyamory can happen if both partners discuss it previously, are on the same page, set boundaries, and communicate openly and honestly with each other throughout the process.
Asking to open a relationship after cheating is a manipulation technique.
The foundation is broken...
You can't have a successful open relationship if you can't even be open with your primary partner. There was nothing open about what he did - no discussion beforehand, no respect for the impact it might have on you, no deciding as a couple on how to proceed, and no genuine evaluation of the impact it had on each of you after he went and did whatever with someone else.
I love open relationships, but he is a selfish cheater through and through.
Open it waaaaay up. Tell him he can kiss whomever he pleases - except for you.
He is being a scumbag and leading you on. He said you'd be proud of how good he was on his trip, because he was better behaved than his friends. He only kissed a girl. His friends probably slept with other girls. Then he asked you for free-reign to sleep around the next time he travels. Screw that. He can be single and sleep around. I would also advise you, that if you feel like it, to let his friends' girlfriends know what your ex said they were getting up to on their little boys holiday.
I'm sorry he cheated. I know a lot of people on here are using the 'he cheated & just wants an excuse' which could also be what it is, but some people simply go through something like this & discover what they really want for their relationships/sexuality. If this isn't for you, I'm glad you're able to move on from it rather than try to make it work. Best of luck to you, your health, your love life, & everything in between.
"Hey boyfriend, I've been thinking about this open relationship idea. I changed my mind and I think you should be able to see other people. I'll be seeing other people too. But I think you got it wrong with your original idea. If we're gonna do this we have to do it right. So I think it's best if you get your stuff and leave. Don't come around here anymore."
He's not that into you!
He said he's going to do it in the future. He has friends that cheat. He doesn't actually respect you.
You know what he wants? Steady sex between conquests. Know what you're gonna get? Less self esteem and an STD. Also wtf? This dude cheated on you. Drop him. You are too young for this.
We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.