Clever People Share The Best Clapbacks They've Delivered IRL
Clever People Share The Best Clapbacks They've Delivered IRL
Sassy people are heroes. They just are. The joy they bring to our lives is just... magic. Some people are just naturally good at clap backs. Take Chrissy Teigen for example; or whoever runs the Wendy's Twitter account. You probably have at least one friend who everyone knows not to come for because they will hit right back with that verbal kung fu.
One reddit user asked: What's the most perfect comeback line you've ever been able to deliver in real life?
We like to think of this as an ode to all of the brilliantly witty, sassy, fearlessly snark-tastic people in the world who aren't afraid to clap back. You guys are the heroes we deserve.
That Youthful Look
Rude lady was yelling across the counter: "You don't F*** with a 50-year-old woman!!" and my co-worker just deadpanned back, straight-faced.
"You don't look that young to me."
I'll cherish that look on her face til the day I die.
My little sister had just started a teaching job. I was delivering pizzas for a job at the time. We were home for Christmas, and she was itching to pick a fight.
Sis: "At least I have a proper job."
Me: "And what makes a 'proper' job?"
Sis: "One that requires a qualification."
Me: "What, like a driving license?"
She's just failed her driving test for the third time and had been learning for over 5 years. She didn't try starting anything again that year.
You Look Better When I Can't See You
I once took my glasses off to clean them at work and my (female) boss says to me "you look pretty good without glasses). Instantly, without thinking, I replied "so do you". Luckily everyone found it funny, including my boss.
Sucking The Heat Out
My Mother-In-Law is generally an unpleasant woman and has little good to say about anything. All winter long it's cold in her house and I suggested that we turn on the gas fireplace. Her comment, "That just sucks the heat right out of the room."
Fast forward to one of the hottest Julys we've ever experienced. The AC can't keep up and everyone is complaining about the heat. We're all sitting in the living room and she starts bitching about the heat. I smirked and didn't even look up from the book I was reading.
"Why don't you turn on the fireplace. It'll suck the heat right out of the room."
My Father-In-Law just about pissed his pants laughing.
She Hung Up
My aunt used to be sweet when I was younger but just became terrible once she started having her own kids. She has eight kids now and lives across the country so I luckily don't have to see her much. This all happened a couple of years ago when I was graduating college. I am the first person in my immediate family to graduate college. My mother decided to spend her own money and throw me a graduation party. I didn't really want one but knew my mom was excited so I went along with it. One day I hear my mom yelling on the phone. I ask her what's wrong and she basically tells me that my aunt is telling her she shouldn't waste her money on me. I'm confused so I grab the phone to talk to my aunt. Below is our conversation.
Me: So are you really saying that my mom shouldn't waste her money on me? Why do you care?
Aunt: I was just trying to tell her that people graduate all the time. You're 23. Isn't that a bit late to be graduating college?
Me: Oh. When was your college graduation?
CLICK! SHE HUNG UP ON ME!
A hyper-masculine dude once told me, a girl, "I bet your dad wishes he has a son."
Without missing a beat my response was, "I bet your dad wishes the same thing."
How They Found Out
Local a**hole confront my dad at a restaurant.
A**hole: "Did you tell them I was a piece of s***?!"
Dad: "No, I don't know how they found out."
Roasted By Chef Ethan
We had a new chef in the kitchen. He'd been there about 3 months and I hadn't heard him speak too much, which was strange because the kitchen was always going with chatter.
Anyway, one night this other chef - Paul - is on and he was being a bit bratty to everyone. Eventually, he asked new guy "what do I need, Ethan?" and Ethan just replied, as monotone as possible, "a new f***ing personality". The whole kitchen was in hysterics. Paul shut up after that.
King Of The Burn
A little pudgy guy at work was making fun of how I talked, said I talked like Boomhauer from King of the Hill. I told him I'd rather talk like Boomhauer than look like Bobby!
Shut him right up.
My two sisters & I were eating dinner at Grandma's. Our sweet Grandma commented "Beauty, brains, and health -- I couldn't wish for more!"
I immediately turned to my youngest sister and said "You can be health."
I ended up tripping down a hill in front of this girl I was crushing on, as I was waving to get her attention. Rolled all the way down it and hit the rock/cement near the bottom. She comes running up to me asking if I was all right. With out missing a beat jumped up and told her:
"not really, fell for you and hit rock bottom."
No, I did not get the girl, found out she was uber religious tho (not my cup of tea) so it all worked out fine.
I thought it was a nice save at least.
Hans And The Spackle
I worked with this guy named Hans. Hans talked endlessly - and almost always about boring sh!t. He never shut up.
A group of us were all standing around once and he was blabbering on about having some leftover spackle from some job he did. Yeah. For like 20 minutes he kept talking and talking about it. Like to the point the rest of us were giving each other looks wondering how he didn't know he was boring us to death. Finally. he looked at me and said:
"What should we do about this leftover spackle?"
And I was like:
**"Well, Hans, we could use it to spackle your mouth shut..." **
Cue outrageous laughter from the other guys there. I felt bad, though, because Hans was a nice guy. He just never shut up!
Sausage Has Never Been So Satisfying
Wasn't so much a line, although there was a lot of mirroring.
I was at a friends bbq and I don't drink (not a addict, it's just not really my thing.) Some guy i don't even know is like "oh hey why aren't you drinking?" I tell him I don't drink.
Anyone that doesn't drink already knows what happened next; cause it happens all the time. The guy just wouldn't let up:
**"Why don't you drink? If you don't have a problem why don't you just have one? It's not going to kill you to just have one? Come on man, don't be a kill joy!" **
This goes on for nearly an hour while the guy I don't know is following me around with a beer shoved in my face. As I'm explaining (for like the 50th time) that it's my personal choice not to drink, my mate says the food is ready. So as i'm standing in line, I get my steak and sausages and burgers, etc. my friend offers this guy some meat. The guy replies with the golden words:
"No sorry, I don't eat meat"
My eyes went wide and an evil smile began to form as I butted in with a very sarcastic tone:
**"Oh come on mate, it's not gonna kill ya just have one!" **
I literally got to follow the guy around with a sausage for the next hour basically repeating word for word every BS argument he tried to use on me.
Insulted By A Cop, Fired An Insult Right Back
Was 19 years old and on a ride-along with a police officer. While arresting some people another deputy comes up to the driver window and talks to the cop. He looks back at me and then says "who's this?" and my ride along introduces me.
Then the cop outside is like "Aww, you look 12!"
Then I say, "Thanks, you look 50!" which considering that he was in his 30's and kinda fat made him insecure.
Saw him just turn red and my ridealong burst out laughing and just floored it out of the scene.
My ex was awful to me when we were together. After I left, he would randomly show up and try to get me to come back. I eventually met someone else and the ex didn't like that, of course. New partner was Scottish. Remember that. It's important for later.
Anyway, the ex shows up as I'm outside washing my car and starts in with his usual bull. I said something back and he thought I sounded like I had picked up a Scottish accent, so he was sneered:
**"What, are you Scottish too now?" **
And without missing a beat, I replied:
**"Only by injection." **
He was speechless for once and then said it was disgusting. He stopped bothering me after that. Thank god. I usually only think of good retorts hours after the fact!
That Was My Hope
Busy night waiting tables and was slow getting a customer her beer. I walked past and she said, "I'm going to die of thirst before you get me that beer."
I said, "Yes, that was my hope."
Her companions died laughing. Biggest tip of the night.
Quitting a job can be a liberating feeling, but it can also be scary as hell... especially if you don't have another job waiting for you on the horizon.
Thanks to Redditor BurningDruid13, we have some answers to the following question: "Have you ever quit a job, without another lined up, for your mental health? How did it turn out?"