Corny People Share Their Cleanest, Funniest Jokes That Succeed Every Time
Wikipedia Commons: Texaswebscout
Not all jokes need to be dirty. Comedians like Jim Gaffigan have built their whole careers out of never telling a rated-R joke. That's why when Reddit user, scarlett_j, asked for the cleanest jokes other knew, it lead to some PG-rated laughs:
What's a short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time?
You Have It With Fried Chicken
-Have you heard of Murphy's Law
-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong
-What's about Cole's law?
-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream. K2P2C
What's Melania's Phrase?
The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "Get down!" they have to yell, "Donald, duck!" ThroughDifferentEyes
And the Follow-Up....
Now that's just goofy. funkyforrest96
What happened to the man running in front of the car?
--He was tired
What happened to the man running behind the car?
--He was exhausted ListenToBoston
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me. PTSDPillowGuy
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large. eleanor61
It Takes A Second...
I've been told I'm condescending.
(that means I talk down to people) iblinkyoublink
Wendy, I Can Fly!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands.
This joke never gets old. EskimoDave
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes. BoxxerUOP
What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet?
He got lost at 'c.' prior_plans
It's All A Matter of Perspective
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. KaboomBoxer
Say It Out Loud
What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Suck It, Trebek
'Dishes Sean Connery' PedroBriss
The End Of All Things
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. Jefferncfc
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. Rndomguytf
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. ImHully
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador. leahcure
Checking For Clarity
How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One... or two? Undescended_testicle
Clowns Are Scary. Not. Funny.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong." Moltenfirez
Ants At A Pool
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks its a girl ant. If it floats its buoyant. Mmmmmmsandwich
Might Need A Pen and Paper To Show Your Work
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer. PM_ME_TINY_DINOSAURS
WAIT FOR IT...
one of my favorites. I heard it slightly differently and delivered verbally.
Person1: Ask me what's the most important thing in comedy.
Person2: What the most---
Wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
"Wonder how far I can kick this bucket..." madurosnstouts
And Batting Cleanup
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line. justacheesyguy
Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.