Coworker Finds Friend's BF On Tinder, And She's Not Sure Who To Believe
How would you feel if your significant other was found on Tinder, using it behind your back? This is what happened to MiddleExplanation - her coworker found her boyfriend on the app, however he denies actively using it. What should she do? Whom should she believe?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. I met my boyfriend (27M) 11 months ago and we've 'officially' dating since December (we were exclusive before, but never had the conversation).
I just moved to a new city last week and I work at a coffee shop. My boyfriend stayed at mine last night, so he dropped me off at work before his gig today -- I made him a brew, he stayed a bit to chat, and then he left. A bit later, one of my favorite coworkers pulled me aside and said she'd seen my boyfriend on Tinder a little bit ago. I thought she was absolutely mental. My boyfriend looks like a cuter version of Ed Sheeran, so it's not really uncommon for people to think they know him or make comments and whatnot. I wasn't really bothered by it.
However, I got off text off her tonight with a screenshot of my boyfriend's Tinder profile. The main picture was from November, so about three months after we met. Her flatmate had apparently just broken up with her ex and they were making her a new profile -- of course, my bf was one of the first to pop up. I don't use tinder and I don't know what that means, but I don't think it's good.
I sent my boyfriend the screenshot and he said he hadn't used it in 'nearly a year', so I guess that could be true if you count November as nearly a year. I honestly wouldn't be that upset if he was using it November, but he swore up and down that the picture was from before we met and that he doesn't have it on his phone. The picture was definitely from November, but that's beside the point anyways, I'm upset that he's active on Tinder and lying to my face about it. He pretty much dismissed my concerns and said he was going back to bed. In his defense, it was quite late when we've chatted and we've had a long weekend so I understand a bit.
I don't really know where I'm at right now. Betrayed. Confused. Embarrassed. Is it at all possible that he isn't active on Tinder? Should I dump him? Hear him out? I completely trusted him before now and I don't know where my head is at.
tl;dr -- coworker found my boyfriend on Tinder, we briefly discussed it and he says he doesn't use it but I don't know what to do or who to believe
If someone shows up, they're using it.
I don't think you can show up on Tinder if you aren't actively using the app. I mean you might if the last time you were on it was like 3 days ago, but not a year as far as I know.
Everyone is right on this. You don't show up unless you're actively using the app and since it was a recent photo, that's even more obvious. Unless he came forward and he straight up admitted, "yeah I downloaded it with my buddy and showed him what it's like and must have forgotten to delete it." He is probably lying to you.
Downloading tinder doesn't mean he's 100% cheating, but if he's lying, which he clearly is, he is probably cheating/trying to.
You know the truth.
You believe yourself. You know the photo was from November and you know he's lying. What you do with that info is up to you.
Being tired isn't an excuse.
Does 11 pm roll around and you start lying because you're tired?
I think not.
There's a small chance it's a fake account, right?
Bit of a long shot here. But are the profile pics on his tinder also on Facebook? If they are, it's possible that he is the victim of a scambot program. It happened to me, where a botting software took some of my profile pictures and made a fake tinder acct, so it could say shit like "hey check out my live stream webcam" and the like to the people I "matched" with. I had no idea about it until a girl I had been talking too off of tinder told me.
Nope, according to OP.
I never actually saw his profile aside from the screenshot, but the picture is from his band's Instagram and I don't think is on his Facebook page. Unfortunately not the case.
It's an issue of trust.
Same thing happened to me, and all that time he was talking sweet to me, even called me a "queen." He is going through a divorce from a nutty woman, by the way, and he came back to me after he decided that he'd made a mistake in dropping me.
A month later, after noticing he was on Tinder (I had a feeling, so I opened mine to make sure it was disabled, and then deleted it), I called him out on it, and he became distant, indignant, and indifferent about it. He said, "What's it to you?"
The best you can do is decide whether or not you can trust him. If he showed up so soon, that means he's been on there recently.
His story just doesn't add up.
I have some thoughts:
1) Your profile definitely becomes inactive after a few weeks. I haven't used the app since mid-2016 so it's possible they changed their policies (more on that), but back then you would even get an app prompt telling you that you're being put on "hibernation" mode after a period of not signing in. I can't imagine that Tinder would really move away from this approach though, since having their customers' swiping experience clogged by a sea of inactive accounts is pretty self-defeating. So if your bf showed up almost right away when a new user started swiping, it's quite clear that he's been on the app recently
2) I have been a victim of catfishing - someone stole a bunch of my FB photos and started using them for an account in Japan. My MBA friends traveling in Tokyo found out and told me, I was furious but I never knew who did it. So catfishing is a possibility, but logically speaking if someone wasn't active on Tinder their first reaction should be disbelief and they would tell you it's a scam. The way your bf reacted seems fishy
3) Not sure if this would work on Android but if he has an iPhone ask him for it and go to the App Store. Look up Tinder and see if it's got a "download" logo next to it, or a cloud logo. If a cloud logo that means he's at least had it downloaded. Take this with a big chunk of salt because the App Store can 'remember' for a long time if you've installed something before, so if he was on Tinder before you were exclusive you could end up with a false positive. However, if he's gotten a new phone within the window of your exclusivity then you would get your answer.
Ask to see his phone - is the app there?
Can be difficult to say, I deleted an online dating profile and the app and my friend still saw me on there when he was browsing. I definitely hadn't used it in at least 6 months.
The only iffy thing is the photo being from November, but were you two exclusive then? Also, is the app still on his phone? If it's still on his phone I'd be upset, should have deleted it when you became exclusive.
All signs point to guilty.
So why did he dismiss her concerns? If I were him and my pics had been stolen by a catfish I would be very worried and and would contact tindr to have them deleted. I would also totally understand my SO being suspicious.
I don't believe him.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, or so the saying goes.
The same can be said for your interactions with cops, most of whom are perfectly happy to let minor infractions slide––When was the last time you were actually ticketed for jaywalking?––provided you're not a total Karen should you interact them.
Your local police officer likely doesn't care about jaywalking or the fact that you went five miles over the speed limit unless you give him a reason to, as we learned when Redditor Takdel asked police officers: "What stupid law have you enforced just because someone was an a-hole?"