Divorced People Reveal The Moment They Decided To End Their Marriage.
The signs of a terrible relationship are usually there, but some couples decide to ignore them and jump into marriage. The idea is that marriage (and kids later on) will solve any issues they may have together. However, in many cases, they come to the realization that they married the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
In this article, married people share the moment they realized they married the wrong person.
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
She left and never came home. My daughter woke up for school asking where mom went. I didn't know what to say. I had stayed up all night waiting for her, worried beyond sickness. She eventually came home 2 days later, basically said she found someone else, then left again. It took me a bit to pull myself together. I tried my best to keep my daughter from seeing how upset I was, but it was no use. She looks at me with her big blue eyes and says, "Don't worry daddy it'll be okay."
Me and her make an amazing team, and I literally just got remarried to a someone wonderful.
He wanted kids as much as I did. So, we had kids. Then he just turned out to be a horrible dad. Ignored them, belittled them, started drinking too much and lashing out. He refused couples therapy, and started to embarrass the kids with his actions. Divorce time.
When she took her son to Disney World for a family vacation, and left me and my son at home to take care of the dog, I knew it was over. I told her I was divorcing her the day she got back.
He told me he can't love me the way he thinks he can love a man. I was honestly relieved, as the couple years leading up to that moment had been a nightmare for me. I had convinced myself that something was wrong with me, etc. He told me his truth and it set me free. Fast forward 5 years, and he's still in the closet (he never fully came out) and living a miserable existence while hating me for knowing his truth. There's so much more I could add, but I'll just leave it at that.
After getting married, I began to see that all the red flags I had been ignoring weren't going away. There was too much unnecessary drama, financial irresponsibility, and a cheating heart, all hidden by a pretty face.
Look for, and always acknowledge, the red flags.
When I was served with papers for a dissolution for marriage, I knew I should have realized she was going to walk when a month into the marriage she wanted to leave after a small argument. Then she called her mom and said maybe we should go to marriage counselling. The marriage lasted on paper for 23 months, but was already starting to disintegrate after a month.
Continue reading on the next page!
When I realised I'd rather die than continue. And that my son needed me alive more than I needed his daddy. And then when I had it pointed out to me that due to my being the sole earner in the house, I could easily disentangle myself from him financially - something he made me believe I couldn't do. His idea of truth is very flexible, based on his environment and audience. He had zero energy for engaging with me and his son, and while I worked, he farmed my son out to anyone who would take him and told other women how he was a stay-at-home dad because he loved the attention.
Well, there were a ton of things. Two of the worst:
When I came back from my fourth deployment, she told me she wished I was still over there. This was within three days.
I told her I wanted to name our first-born after my friend who died overseas. She told me it was a terrible name.
I ignored the red flags. She was selfish and rude immediately after we got married.
For example, she was rude to waiters and anyone she saw as being beneath her.
Needless to say, we ended it quickly.
We had plenty of sex before we got married, and enjoyed many of the same things. After we got married, he just wanted to play guitar in his underwear and only successfully flash Nintendo eprom chips about 60% of the time. There was no more sex, and he spent more time with his new hobbies than with me.
I knew it was over when we discussed what our lives would be like if we divorced and realized they'd be fine. That was six months in. We were married at 20, separated at 20. After we had that talk, I just started seeing all the reasons we couldn't work.
Plus, he wouldn't fight with me. He just refused. He's happily married with two kids now. And I'm in the best long term relationship of my life, with a man who made me want to try marriage again.
Don't be afraid to admit you made a mistake. I'm glad I did.
It didn't take long after being married to my first wife for it to become all about sex. When the arguments started to overshadow the sex, and it didn't last long after that. We were married and divorced within a year. Fortunately, I hit the jackpot with my second wife. Now, going on 30 years, she's the greatest!
Continue reading on the next page!
He became a completely different person after we got married. His entire personality changed. I tried to tell myself it was just stress, but he wasn't the person I'd been traveling with for years. He just changed. It got really ugly, and eventually I had to accept that the person I fell in love with had never existed in the first place.
I ignored some of the red flags - although subtle at the time, they were there. I guess looking back now, I see them. At the time, it was easy to blame the situation more than her. She was stressed, she was tired etc.
She hid who she really was until she couldn't anymore. It took about 3 months after the wedding. When the real her came out to play, I walked. There is no reason to be miserable in life.
He completely changed personalities. Like, a 180 degree transformation into someone I could not recognize him after just TWO WEEKS.
When he threw a chair at my head a month after we were married, that's when I started to plan my escape.
A therapist later told me he displayed symptoms of severe personality disorders, and was likely sociopathic. So yeah, he definitely hid it long enough to marry me and get me to work, pay for the bills, clean up after him, and take care of the house while he put personal ads on Craigslist to hook up with strangers.
When we moved out of his home state back to my hometown and suddenly he stopped paying me any attention. Then came the abuse. Eventually, the only times he paid any attention to me was when he wanted sex.
The moment I decided I was going to leave was when I broke my finger while at school and I still had to do everything around the house with a cast on.
We were in couples' counselling, and when he would miss an appointment due to work, I saw the therapist alone. I told her I wanted to leave him. She said that in all her years of therapy she's never done this, but in good conscience and fearing for my safety, she told me I should leave. I left the next month. I never missed him one day. He was mentally and emotionally abusive.
Continue reading on the next page!
I kinda slowly figured it out over the course of the 3 years we were married, but I kid you not, the exact moment I realized I married the wrong man happened in the grocery store.
We were buying toilet paper and ended up having a serious fight over what type to get. He wanted to get single-ply because it was cheaper, while I wanted to get Charmin because it doesn't hurt when I wipe (he didn't wipe unless it was a #2 so I guess the stakes were higher for me). I had this moment of clarity where I went... "I am a grown woman arguing with my husband in the middle of the grocery store over saving a dollar on toilet paper. This is dumb. I should not be having such dumb arguments with the man I am spending forever with."
There were other moments, of course, but that was the one that stands out to me - standing in a grocery store, feeling deflated and angry and arguing over single-ply toilet paper.
I was in the military. Her father didn't like me because I didn't make a lot of money (he was a small business owner) and some of her family weren't exactly pro-military. Whatever, people disagree, you just live with it.
Cut to her living with me off base. She didn't have any friends and was bored. So I helped her get a job on base. But we fought most of the time about trivial things of course.
What did it for me was when we were arguing one day and she, on purpose, kicked my Gibson guitar over, chipping the finish on one of the horns. It might seem trivial to some, but I mowed a ton of lawns to buy that guitar. Of all the things she cold choose to mess with, that was the wrong one. And so I decided I was done after that, and sent her back home.
It didn't take long. I was so young and naive that I basically married the person my controlling mother picked out for me. After six months, our sex life was almost non-existent. It seemed he could manage a quick episode only after returning from Sunday Mass. I actually believed he was spending hours and hours nightly, jogging, with our fabulously gay neighbor.
It was only when I found myself drinking copiously every night that I realized something wasn't right. So I left, still not quite sure was the problem was; I told you I was naive. He married again, a woman, but is still "besties" with the neighbor, who also married a female.
To this day my mother has not forgiven me for leaving a perfectly good middle-class life. So, it was (a) no sex, (b) suddenly needing to be anesthetized with alcohol, and (c) he was kind of a selfish jerk too, spending loads on himself and begrudging me the things I enjoyed.
One morning, the baby had woken me up early, and I went outside after I had put him back to sleep. I looked over the horizon and there was an absolutely gorgeous sunrise, so I went back inside and excitedly say to my (awake) husband: "Honey! There's the most beautiful sunrise out here! Come watch it with me!" To which he replies, "I've seen a billion sunrises! Go away and let me sleep."
So I quietly got myself a drink, went back out to watch the sunrise by myself, and realized that I had been alone for a long time, and would continue to be alone if I stayed with him.
Almost five years later, I finally got the courage to divorce him. I'm still recovering, but I'm no longer with him, so I know it's going to be okay.
Continue reading on the next page!
These aren't the things that led to the divorce, but they were the things that led to me realizing I had made a mistake.
She had a child from a prior marriage (that lasted only about a year) and at 21, I hadn't really fully accepted what it meant to be a father figure to a child I never wanted, and to have her ex-husband in her life forever. Then, when the child was diagnosed as autistic, it made things that much harder.
She had a disability (she's albino, so she's legally blind and very sensitive to light). This made a LOT of activities and hobbies I once enjoyed difficult to share with her. What made it worse was that she ACTUALLY LIKED a lot of the same things, she just couldn't really participate in them.
She hid her smoking, which I hated, from me. I hid heavy drinking, which she hated, from her.
Her family was mostly a strain on us, both drama-wise and financially.
Our life goals weren't really defined when we got together, but they became more and more different as we got older.
She's a great person, and 7 years after the divorce, we are still friends.
My friend got divorced after a year of being married. The issue was that her husband was the same person he was before they got married.
This is super common, I think, but in her case it blew up much faster than it does in other cases (where people split up around the 5-7 year mark).
A lot of people believe that once they get married, something will change. Their partner will become more reliable, they'll take the relationship more seriously, they'll "grow up", they'll be more thoughtful, they'll stop hanging out with their friends as much.
But that rarely happens. The person you marry is the same person you were dating, and frankly, not a lot changes when you get married if you've been together for more than a couple years and you have already lived together before getting married.
It's the same daily struggle, the same issues you had before you married, except now you're legally bound, and breaking up will take longer to do. You need to be okay with all of them before you get married, and sure, you'll learn new things about them once you're married too. But if there are things you are drastically not okay with before the marriage, there is nothing that will stop those things from happening when you're married, too.
It started with me realising I didn't like his smell anymore, I didn't like to use my tongue anymore when kissing him, and when I did, I had the urge to wipe my mouth afterwards. He became incredibly irritating to me, nearly every word out of his mouth was annoying.
We hardly ever had real conversations anymore, no date nights, no activities together. He was always occupied with computer games and watching YouTube videos.
He got really preachy with his veganism and socialist ideology (which he really knew hardly anything about, he just thought it was trendy). He basically called me Hitler because I suggested reading a book about Lenin before declaring himself a fan. I am left too, I just believe some solid research should be the basis of one's political opinion.
He told little (and sometimes big) lies all the time, just to avoid conflict. He didn't have a proper job but still didn't spend much time with our daughters.
When I was depressed, he often ignored me. I could sit in the hallway crying and he would just walk past me.
I put up with all that. Then I met the love of my life, and I suddenly knew for sure that my husband wasn't the one.
Continue reading on the next page!
It started out small.
Within the first couple months after our wedding, he became extremely financially controlling. There was a lot of belittling, calling me trash (ironically I come from a well-off family), telling me I was nothing without him.
Six months in, he put his hands on me for the first time. Pushing me into a wall. He said if I told anyone (friends, family) he would kill me. He was in the military, so he told me if I threatened his job in any way, there would be consequences.
I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I dealt with it for over three years before finally deciding to leave. Then I moved clear across the country.
It took me a long time to believe that he had no clue where I was, and wasn't coming back to harass me.
I got married a year ago today. I realized she wasn't the one when she told me in January that she didn't love me and was in love with our female roommate who was married to a guy in the army.
She also stole money and then threw away or stole a good number of my possessions after kicking me out. They moved in with one another in a different state about a week ago; I moved across the country back in April. I really loved her and trusted her after being cheated on in previous relationships.
Things will get better, though. Hopefully I will find someone who actually loves me and can commit, but I have a good group of friends and know I'll be okay regardless
I married an ambitious man who was in community college, employed, wanted to travel, and had a career in mind that he was working towards.
As soon as we got married, he stopped trying to find work (he had "lost" his job shortly before we got married; I found out later that he could have gone back, but chose not to). He stopped helping out around the house, no longer wanted to do anything but pursue his own selfish interests, complained up and down if I bought cheap coffee for myself, but would try to justify hundreds of dollars of purchases we couldn't afford because it made him happy.
Oh, and I couldn't afford to be on birth control (this was prior to Obamacare) so we used condoms. But he wanted kids so he poked holes in them. He denies ever actually cheating on me, but his best friend told me he paid for sex while they were on a trip, and I found emails where he organized to meet up with random women. He also gave a lot of money to girls on SecondLife for virtual sex (Skype or voice).
So I mean... He just piled on pretty much every reason I would dump someone.
I realised when I checked our bank accounts and noticed they were completely empty of the money my grandmother had given us to buy a house. Then I noticed that he was 'on call' more than usual and that those calls happened all night... then all weekend. Then I realised he was not the one when the woman he was having sex with called our house looking for him and was surprised that his wife answered the phone.
Turns out he emptied our accounts to pay for her. She was expensive.
Answers edited for clarity.
Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.