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Doctors And Nurses Share Their Funniest ER Stories

Hospitals aren't always the saddest places....

Medical staff are heroes. HEROES! They put up with the nastiest, craziest and worst of us! But sometimes it can be funny. It's like living in an episode of 'Grey's Anatomy.' There is always darkness balanced with light. We all go to the ER with the craziest issues.... it's good to know we can laugh about it.

Redditor u/MrDiemar wanted the medical personal out there to help lighten our moods toward hospitals by asking.... Doctors/nurses of Reddit, what is the funniest ER story you have?


I'd rather M & M's! 

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I was working in Triage where we check patients in when a mid-30's woman came up trying to explain her symptoms. She kind of leaned over and whispers, "I got dem skittles down there. You know? I had sex with a guy and got dem skittles."

As I'm trying to see if she's serious, trying not to laugh, she says she has to go to the bathroom. I'm boggled and just more or less like, 'What the hell does that even mean? Skittles in her... never mind.'

My coworker came up to me to relay something while skittles lady came back from the bathroom and said, "Never mind, don't have to worry about dem skittles, they gone." And she walked out of the ER, leaving me there while I'm trying not to bust out laughing.

My coworker looked horrified. Another day in Triage. MechanicalNurse

Damn  Scooters.....

It was before I got into medical school, I was volunteering in the ER. I walked in one night, and a tech was scrubbing a guy with road rash down his arm, his body, and his leg. It looked really painful, and I asked the patient what happened.

"I was on my Harley, and I was being chased by the cops. I went around a corner, hit some gravel, and laid my bike down."

I noticed the man's wife in the corner of the room roll her eyes.

"How does that story sound?" He asked.

"Sounds great," I said. "What really happened?"

"I was on my scooter going downhill and I fell off."

"Stick with the first story." angmarsilar

On your thumb and up your bum?

We had one woman come back again, and her chief complaint was constipation. Going into her chart I saw that she had been previously given some suppositories to take, and in the triage note she said her meds weren't working and she wanted some different ones.

So the doc is asking her questions, making sure nothing else is wrong, and they get to the part about the meds. She says "Well yeah, the pills I got last time were huge! I have to break them in half to swallow them!"

And then we had to explain that suppositories are not meant to be eaten, and that was why her medication was not relieving her symptoms. She thought Suppository was the name of the medication, like Tylenol is for acetaminophen.

I still cant forget the doctor explaining to her how to actually use her medication. "On your thumb and up the bum!" mamblepamble

You are... so... beautiful... to me.... 

This homeless dude comes in after being hit by a car. His CT shows he has a pretty significant head bleed. He's already drunk so this guy's just having a great time. We get him undressed and start trying to clean up when he bursts into song "YOOU AAARE SOOO BEAUTIFUL" He keeps going on with the same song for half an hour, but it made it 10 times better when a female nurse came in to help and he immediately stops singing and goes "Hang on... I forgot the second verse" he sits for a few minutes and then goes right back at the same part he's been singing. That's probably the hardest I've tried to not laugh in my life. SourHyperion1

Do you have a therapist Sir?

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Was triaging a patient and going through the usual questions. I asked him if he was moving his bowels alright when he abruptly got up and closed the door to the triage room. He said, "well that's sorta why I'm here." I nodded and said "ok, why are you here today?" He replied, "I have an object stuck in my rectum."

I said, "I see and what is it?" He flatly stated "a wooden dowel". He spread his hands apart by about 18 inches and said "it's this long" and then curled his fist into a circle about 3 inches in diameter and said "it's this round." I nodded and he looked directly into my eyes and said, "you probably think this is some kind of perverted sexual thing don't you?" In a deadpan voice I replied, "I don't think sir, I only write." This is about 9pm. I asked him, "when did this object become lodged in you?" He said, "yesterday around 3pm." The guy has spent over 24 hours trying to get this piece of lumber out of his butt!

One of the triage questions was 'who are you accompanied by?' When I asked him that he said "my brother. There are just some things you need to confide with your brother about." I was thinking to myself had this been me, I would have driven to West Virginia, checked in under the name John Smith and payed in cash before I told my brother. Long story short, he needed to have surgery to remove the object. Moral of the story, if you're going to put something up your butt, use a lanyard so that you can retrieve it! EzraSteel

Not worth the trip! 

I was a volunteer transporter at this time, and I had just finished moving a patient to the CT scan room. I hear an announcement that said "Code Security, CT scan hallway." I peak my head out the room, and flying past me is a very young teenager sprinting down the hall, flailing his arms and screeching. He gets to the end of the hallway and out of nowhere an absolutely massive security guard spears this kid with the force to take out a bear. It happened so quickly that I just started losing it laughing.

Found out later the kid was tripping balls from too much LSD and had escaped from the emergency department. UptownShenanigans

Trial by "Fire"...

EMT. This was my last day of training. Responded to a life alert call. This could have been anything, firefighters get there first and we get no updates so we take everything from the truck just in case. We get into the apartment and there's firefighters frantically running around the kitchen that was surrounded by a baby gate.

We see the patient and she looked fine just sitting in a wheelchair talking to the firefighters. We ask what was going on. A firefighter says to us that Ms life-alert is not allowed in the kitchen because she almost burned the house down so that's why there's a baby gate to block her in. She lives with her son and he's working today. So Ms life-alert wanted a piece of cake but couldn't get to the kitchen, so she thought the most logical way of getting it was to press her life-alert button so that the firefighters could get it for her. So I'm standing there "learning" and seeing the firefighters ask if she wanted ice tea with her cake and slicing it for her. I ask my field training officer what I write in the report. He says to me "just say we were cancelled by fire." senorspielbergo-

No Visitors.... 

Not a doctor or nurse but a firefighter. Got a call and the guy was DOA, died sitting on his couch. We're all hanging around waiting for the ME to show up and one of the guys I'm working with, an old salty firefighter, gets tired of standing around so he sits down on the couch next to the body. An EMT walks in to tell us that a family member just showed up, the guy on the couch slaps the body on the shoulder and says "hey, people here to see you." Gnarbuttah

Love at first sight!

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I locked eyes with an overdosing meth addict across the ER, and like whatever the opposite of "love at first sight" is, she yelled at me: A-RAB this, A-RAB that.

At first I was offended but then I was profoundly impressed when I realized that she was the first racist stranger that didn't misidentify me as Mexican. I'm not Arab, but she got closer than other bigots. Good job, lady! OB-GYN

Simmer Down Pete! 

I'm an EMT, so I go to ERs a lot naturally. There's a frequent flyer in my town called pete. Pete can be either very nice or he hates you. He's nice to me, thankfully. He tends to have a problem with female EMTs or nurses. He gets brought in by another unit one day and he's pissed at the girl on the unit. He says "you need to stop that," angrily. "Stop what?" she asks. He replies "bein' a b***h" in his New York type accent. I was rolling. Pete's funny, he's full of em. mdragon13

Whack a Mole... 

Was a Paramedic in one of the bigger cities in Ohio. Dude gets drunk, arguing with his gf. Punches through a plate glass window and severs his brachial artery. Blood everywhere, dude is belligerent and yelling at everyone. A couple tourniquets and a trip to the trauma surgeon.

Fast forward two weeks: Call to a bar in town for an assault. Walk in to find the same dude, now with a bandaged stump where his arm used to be. Guy JUST got out of hospital, went straight to the bar, got drunk, started talking crap, and another guy whacked his fresh stump with a cue stick and busted his stitches open. Waspy1

Just ring the buzzer! 

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I was an evening/overnight admissions clerk for a small ER from 2009-2011. I once had a couple come in late at night into a relatively slow ER and tell me they need to be seen right away. Our ER was one of two in our city and the other ER was a high trauma center so they were far busier than us. I ring my triage nurse bell and they go into the glass triage room with a nurse. The guy won't sit down and the woman is pacing trying to hide her smile. I see the nurses face go from serious to also trying to hold back a smile. The guy is pissed and not amused at all. The nurse then brings me the triage forms and I start to register the patient. He still won't sit down and I always have to ask if it was accident related and when the accident occurred. The woman lost her mind. She just started laughing hysterically and that's when I heard this buzzing noise. At that moment I looked at the triage form again. I usually didn't read the actual triage reason for visits as it was time consuming and I was expected to register in under 2 minutes per patient. If it was an immediate emergent concern the nurse would room the patient immediately and bypass the registration process. As I read I see this guy has a mini vibrator stuck up his butt. His wife and him were messing around and apparently she shoved it up but couldn't get it back out. He wouldn't sit because of obvious discomfort (or maybe too much comfort??) and it would buzz even louder. I hurried through their registration and got them away from my desk to the lobby so I could giggle a little. I believe they actually had to call in the surgical crew to get it out but my shift was up before any of them arrived. HiImDana

Is that a protein diet???

Friend of mine fell off a ladder and broke his ankle, his mother and sister drove him to the ER. The doctor explained they're going to have to give him something for the pain so the ankle can be reset. His mom and twin sister are sitting with him when he gets a dose of something phenomenal because he's mumbling incoherently and blithering like a baby. The Doctor and Nurse are getting things ready to set his ankle, his mom and sister are sitting there, then he cries out, "EAT P***Y! IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Everyone was in the floor laughing. weirdinchicago

Lights Out....

I saw a x-ray of a light bulb stuck up someone's anal cavity once. I thought it was a joke at first. Nope. RawrDoggo

It looks to me that this guy's butt has a good idea. acgasp

Try Again Sir... 

I got called to the ER for a guy that had come in with gunshot wound. I got there and received a more detailed report and saw the guy had his testicle shot off and a bullet still in his foot. He claimed that he was just walking down the street and a couple guys just shot him out of nowhere. The police let us know he was on parole and not allowed to have a gun. Mr_JGuy44

Please stop breeding! 

Mother/Baby nurse here. Got in a patient about 45 minutes after delivery, an emergency c-section due to placental abruption. Ask her about what lead up to her coming to the hospital, and she says, "Oh I figured I was in labor, so I wanted to get all my coke gone before she came. Figured I wouldn't have time after she was born." I was equal parts horrified and confused. scthomassonrn

Duke Lives!!!! 

My patient was sedated and screamed that "Roy Halladay is a vampire reincarnated as Duke F**king Ellington." I'd never had to try so hard to not laugh. I still have random bursts of hysterical laughter about it. jeff_the_nurse

So long winded.... 

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Not me but my mother. She used to be a nurse and had someone come in complaining of immense stomach pains. In the middle of the check up to try and figure out what was wrong the person gave out a massive fart that my mom said lasted for what seemed like a minute. Jesse0016

Dark Chocolate is a Killer... 

Surgeon in residency here but ill share one of my professor's stories: He was taking a break after a long surgery and ALL available doctors needed to go to a room. A woman had filled her IV bag with chocolate syrup and was diabetic. She did not make it. Metheredditdude

I smell a rat... no seriously! 

I don't work in the ER but rather a sleep medicine clinic. I had a patient come in complaining that his CPAP was giving him a rash around his mouth and bumps on his tongue. Rash? I've heard that before, very common. Bumps on the tongue? Never. He brought in his machine with him so I took a look at his mask, which seemed to be new. I discussed his hygienic care of the machine and he admitted he's never washed out the humidifier or tubing as he doesn't use the humidity setting so figured he didn't need to. This could definitely cause some type of rash just from the pure funk that can grow. I open up the humidifier part (which he had taped black felt around for some aesthetic reason?) and out falls a DEAD STINKING RAT. I screamed like a little girl and a few nurses jumped into action and cleaned everything up. MrsCatWhiskers

REDDIT

"It wasn't me!"

There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.

Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked:

Redditors who were once considered suspect of a crime they did not commit, what's it like being held under suspicion and how did it affect your life?

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