Doctors Share The Funniest Thing They've Heard Patients Say While High.
After I really bad car accident, I was pinned in the car for an hour while they cut me out. Apparently, the EMT, who I knew from high school, asked how I felt. I said I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Also, in shock and very injured, insisted that I could climb out myself if everybody just backed up. Then, on the helicopter ride, I asked if we would be flying over a volcano and if I could look out the window. Pain makes me weird I guess.
"I feel like I got hit by a train!"
Guy actually got hit by a train.
On the other side, when I got my tonsils removed, the doctor said "We call this Jackson juice," as he hooked up the anesthesia to the IV, "Because this is what Michael Jackson died from."
I then woke up with no tonsils.
I had a lump removed from my boob a few years ago. The table they had me on was shaped like a T, so my arms were outstretched. As I was passing out, I said to the nurses, " I feel like Jesus." They had to tell me about it when I awoke.
As I was passing out to get my wisdom teeth done the nurse who was putting me out said something about "you may feel an itching or burning in your genitals please resist the urge to scratch it" and I answered with "no problem, you can take care of my genitals for me" and she answered with "maybe I should make it so you don't wake up" as my eyes closed and that's the last thing I remembered.
I'm sure the next hour or two was terrifying as I contemplated whether she'd killed me and if I deserved to die.
Told this story before, but surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things.
Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent:
'That's the best bit of penis I have had in years!'
The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn't remember it.
My mom has a sort of cute one. After a recent surgery she woke up crying and asking for my dad. 31 years of marriage and still stupid in love with each other.
Not a doctor, but my girlfriend broke her ankle pretty badly in April.
I showed up in the ER shortly after she'd arrived, and had to step out briefly so that the nurses could set the bones back. They had to give her something pretty intense for the pain, believe it was ketamine.
I came back in after it was done, and hilarity ensued. She forgot repeatedly that she'd even broken her ankle. She constantly worried that she was swearing too much (there was a little boy in the next bed), which she was not. She thought that reality had broken and that there were "eight universes all at once".
While having dental work done under the influence of laughing gas, I (female, mid-teens at the time) tried very hard to flirt with the (also female, married) dentist. I was not in any way subtle. She was not at all amused... awkward.
Also, not anesthesia but Dilaudid: I called my husband from the ER once rambling about how totally amazing it was that we have fingers- "They're so helpful, and they're like, always there! They're like little friends that you get to carry around with you everywhere." It didn't take him too long to figure out they had me high as a kite but he was super confused at first.
I head-butted a nurse after a surgery once.
My boyfriend, as he was being wheeled into recovery, yelled to me "Honey! You can call me Shrek from now on!"
He has no idea why he wanted me to call him Shrek.
I had to have surgery a few months later, and when I had woken up, I called my boyfriend on the hospital phone and told him he could call me Fiona from now on.
After I got my teeth removed and woke up I had an UNCONTROLLABLE urge to drive (I had recently got my permit). I was like "let me drive I want to go!" My mom had to physically restrain me by putting her forearm against my throat against a wall. The nurse also had to help restrain me. I cooled down after like 5 mins of this.
Not a doctor, but a roller derby girl who witnessed teammate break their leg. When the paramedics gave her the whistle of pain relief, she went from screaming in pain to saying "I hope that cute paramedic has to cut off my pants cause he might like what he sees." Made more hilarious by the fact she is married.
When I woke up after my appendectomy, my mom says that I couldn't stop talking about how I no longer was wearing underwear. I then proceeded to tell every person who came to see me in the hospital that I was not wearing underwear for the next 8 hours.
I had jaw surgery last year and started to get really scared as I sat in my hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery. My mom was with me and I told her how much I wished my dog was there because snuggling her always makes me feel better. I guess having my dog on my mind turned into some weird thoughts once they gave me drugs because apparently I started crying out of the fear that they were going to give me dog teeth.
I recently got surgery on my foot and while I was still high my mother recorded me saying things like:
- "Where's my foot? Mom, the communist took my foot! WHERE'S MY FOOT, ALL I HAVE IS A SNUB! THOSE COMMUNISTS TOOK MY FOOT AND LEFT ME WITH A SNUB"
- I got pissed because they didn't have coke but dad Pepsi, "Pepsi? Who the hell drinks Pepsi? Screw Pepsi."
- Called the nurse Samantha (her name was Brittney)
- Yelled at nobody named Susan
- Claimed to have 9 children. Apollo and Dante being my favorite two, and Susan being my least favorite child who I have locked in the basemen (we don't have a basement).
- Cried because I had to pee and sang a parody version of "Set Me Free" from the tv show The Get Down called "Let Me Pee"
- Cried because "I wanted chicken nuggets". When asked how I was going to eat them because I was high I said something about ripping them up into pieces and putting them in a bowl of honey mustard then I'd eat it like soup.
We had the same family doctor for over 45 years. He actually delivered me, some sixty-odd years ago.
When I was a middle-aged man myself, during my very last checkup with him before he was to retire, he took a few minutes with me to reminisce about family stuff, and he informed me that I had actually been one of his very first solo deliveries as an attending.
He also reminded me that I had been a somewhat tricky delivery: that I was a week overdue, that my mom had already been in labour for over 24 hours, that I was her first, that I was a pretty large baby - 9.5 lbs. - and that she was a very tiny woman. He told me he had been about to suggest to her that a Caesarian might be in order, when I suddenly decided it was time to make my move.
Mom had had a funny reaction to her epidural, and between that and exhaustion from her lengthy labour, she was actually fading in and out of lucidity during my delivery, which took a while. In addition to all the other complications, early in the process he had also needed to digitally coax me into the perfect position to make my grand entrance. Lucid or not, Mom certainly remembered that part of the procedure.
Because just after he'd cut my cord, and before she had fully come round again, my mother - normally a very gentle, undemonstrative and soft-spoken woman - had suddenly grabbed him by his upper arm in a grip of steel, lifted herself half off the bed, looked him square in the eye from about six inches away, and yelled, "DID YOU AT LEAST TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF BEFORE YOU WALKED IN?" Then her eyes had rolled back in their sockets, and she'd flopped back onto the delivery table - out like a light.
When I woke from having my wisdom teeth removed, I asked the nurse to take me to the beach and release me back into the ocean so I could be with my people. She kept refusing, so I started accusing her of fiddling with me whilst I was asleep.
I ended up getting moved to a different recovery area, where I was then asked to be quiet because I thought I was listening to Nicki Minaj, but in fact it was just me slaughtering the lyrics to an imaginary beat.
Not a doctor, but my dad had been given the goofy juice and was about to be wheeled into surgery. He looks at the anesthesiologist and asks, "Will the nurses have big boobs?" My mom and his mom were in the room, laughing hysterically. The anesthesiologist chuckled and said "Okay yeah, you're ready for surgery."
I got my wisdom teeth out too. Had an IV, for the first time, I was 16 yyears old. All I remember was feeling GREAT, I mean seriously amazing. When I sorta came too, I remember asking how much longer til it's over. And they said "we're done!"
The nurse brought me out to the car with my parents, and helped me out to the car. And on the car ride home I asked "why was the nurse was so friendly?" My parents told me that I confessed my love for short haired brunettes, and that she would be my wife because "she was perfect" and "I loved her."
...I had no game at the time.
I once projectile vomited all over a nurse and simultaneously expelled my catheter.
I don't handle general anesthesia very well.
I recently had to have a tooth removed and while under laughing gas, after however long of them scraping against my teeth, I declared that I "knew how they came up with dubstep music!" The nurse pulled out of my mouth and asked what I had said. I responded with "you know dubstep moosic is right?" and she laughed and nodded. "Whoever made it must have made it after having a tooth pulled and hearing the wiki wiki bwaaaaa" She literally had to stop working because she laughed so hard.
My friend woke up from general anaesthesia after his kidney stone removal surgery he turned to the anesthesiologist, locked eyes, and dead straight mumbled, "...Did you break my dongus?"
The poor guy has to excuse himself from the room he was laughing so hard. Never came back.
My Dad had eye surgery a few years ago to fix a partially detached retina. He's a funny guy without drugs, so naturally he was extra goofy with the nurses after his surgery, joking around a ton and whatnot. Anyway, my Mom took him to a deli for some food (he hadn't eaten all day), and instead of ordering a sandwich, he ordered a salad, which was impossible for him to eat with his drugged up hand-eye coordination. He then proceeds to go to the bathroom and fall asleep at the urinal, only waking up when my Mom sends someone in to check on him.
I recently had open heart surgery. When you wake up they give you a heart shaped pillow to hold onto and put pressure on your chest (which feels amazing). When I woke up I threw the pillow at my mum and told her that whoever came up with that idea was the most ridiculous person and screaming that no one wants something on their chest after it's been broken. That pillow ended up being my favorite thing and I kept it with me 24-7 for a couple of weeks.
Whoops. That snip was just a hair too far....
Your first bad haircut probably made you want to die a little when you looked in the mirror. Imagine how the person cutting your hair must have felt. Although, maybe they didn't care at all, as evidenced by the bs excuse they gave you when you finished in the barber chair.