Dads and Kids Share Their Best 'Don't Tell Your Mother' Moments With Their Kids
Being a parent means instilling your child with a decent sense of right and wrong. That is, when it doesn't come at great personal harm to yourself, right? This could be where the classic, "Kids, don't tell your mother," expression comes from. Whatever the mess, whatever the spill, whatever the injury, it's worth a little lie on your conscience, right?
Reddit user, u/Tufflaw, wanted dads and the kids they swore to secrecy to break their vows and share:
"You Let Them Play Video Games?!"Giphy
Haven't done this with my kids yet but I remember one from my childhood: My mom did not allow us to have video game consoles in the house. (Yes, we were deprived children.) My brother and I shared a room. He won a TV at a school party and one day I bought an N64 and several games at a garage sale. We then snuck these items into our house, and set them up in our closet. We'd been playing Mariokart, Goldeneye, and Super Smash Bros. for a couple days when my Dad walked in our room and we weren't fast enough to dump the pile of clothes over things to keep them hidden.
There was an awkward silence then the following conversation happened.
Dad: Is that a Nintendo?
Dad: Does your Mom know you have this?
Us: Probably not.
Dad: Do you have another controller?
He played with us for a while, told us not to tell mom and to this day we've all kept our secret.
"You Let Them Drink?!"
When I was underage my dad would let me have a drink every once in awhile.
The first time he had asked me to make him a screwdriver. I said sure then jokingly said "only if I get one too!" He was like "eh, whatever. You're 18 and not going anywhere tonight. Don't tell your mom."
When he passed away I was telling that story. As it turns out, mom knew the whole time. She didn't care because we were bonding.
"You Were Doing What In The Car?!"
I was in the car with my dad one winter when he pulls into an empty car park and starts pulling mad skids on the ice.
When I questioned wtf he was doing, the look on his face made it pretty clear he forgot I was in the back of the car. It made me wonder what other random sh-t he gets up to when he's on his own.
"You Ate What?!"
My wife got a birthday cake for her friends surprise party. I thought it was for us cuz it was in the fridge so I ate it.
Son saw me, knew he would tell her. He made me buy him a toy batmobile for not telling.
At least I know he's my son...
So you just ran out and got the same exact cake or what?
Tbh... Ya. I called the bakery and they got the same cake within an hour for free. I also was able to finish that other cake... Shoutout
"You Know How To Do What?!"
When my mother was away with her job for two weeks. I one evening after i was laid to bed got up, and saw my dad ironing his own shirts, he looked at me and said: "Don't tell your mom that I know how to do this. "
"You Gave Them Sugar?!"
My kid rats me out every dang time I give her sugar. Lollipop at the store? First thing she says when we get home.
I guess this is more of being ratted out, but if I crack a rat, he yells "Daddy fong pei!" Which mean "Daddy farted" in Cantonese.
Someone's getting the Dutch oven treatment soon.
Need For Something...
Wife and I went with high school band down to local band competition to support one of our kids. About 5 hours drive away through mostly desert. Competition was Friday night, then had to assist coaching my son's Jr. High football game at 9am on Sat., and back in distant city with son for final competition Sat night.
I rented GT 500 Mustang and took it home. Well over 100mph late at night on the way home. And same coming back. Had to tell him not to tell Mom we hit more than 130mph.
He loved it.
You're Last On The List, Now!
Trying out my new longbow in the garage and just so slightly missed the target and right through the garage door.
I didn't even have time to say "oh crap" before one of my kids yelled "mom, guess what dad just did!"
Missed The Firsts
i've got twin 14 month old girls, and a 10 year old stepdaughter. Mom works most nights, so it's just me and the girls. One of the twins took her first steps playing with me and her older sister, and i made the 10 year old promise not to tell her mom.
We had been practicing walking with them for months and knew we were really close but they just had to take that first leap of faith. I don't want her to think she missed first steps because she was working.
Stand Up For Yourself
I've always raised my kids to be strong. Pick themselves up when they fall rather than cry about it every since they were babies.
That being said me and my son (who was two at the time) were at the playground. This mom shows up with two of her kids, a boy around 5 and a girl about 7 or so. You could tell just by the way she was acting that she was a Coddler and one of those "My kids don't do no wrong because I'm there to protect them" kind of woman.
Well her 5 year old son was kicking a soccer ball around and I saw him look at my two year old, take a running start and kick the ball right at my 2 y/o sons head and knock him to the ground, he wasn't on the ground 2 seconds! Not even shedding a tear my son stood up picked up that soccer ball walked over to the kid said "that's not nice" and smashed the ball off of the kids face, this kid goes to the ground crying and his mother runs over hysterically freaking out.
Keep in mind that she didn't care her son kicked a ball at my son's head just that my son stood up to him, so the kids crying like a baby, moms freaking out and right in front of the kid and his mom my two year old said "Walk it off and Stop Acting Like a F-cking Pussy!"
Took him for ice cream afterwards I had never felt so proud in my life
Rat Them Out
When I was a kid my father set the driveway on fire trying to burn out a stump.
I wasn't taking the fall for that though.
Just Wait And See
My son farted on the pizza and I didn't tell mom because I wanted to see how she would react
Getting Them Started Early
I had just poured a beer into a glass and then picked up my 1 year old. Kid in the left arm, beer in the right hand. I was carrying both to the family room so he could play and I could watch some hockey. I was momentarily distracted by a highlight and when I glanced back, his hand was in my beer glass and then he shoved it right into his mouth.
I hurriedly set the beer down, pulled his hand out and dried it off as quick as I could. "Buddy I know you can't talk yet but let's just keep this one between us"
Shoot Yourself In The Foot
One day I picked my daughter up from daycare and gave her a candy bar. I told her not to tell mom. No problems there. So then about a week later we are all in the car and I tell my wife "Oh I gave her a candy bar last time I picked her up." My daughter gets mad at me like "DAD, YOU SAID NOT TO TELL MOMMY!"
So yeah, that's my best. The time my daughter got mad at me for telling mom when I said not too.
"You Let Them Swim Near What?!"
Oh I got this.
My daughter and I are on a 10-day road trip through the American South, an AirBNB here, a campground there and one state park right outside of Jackson, Mississippi.
We'd just come from New Orleans where, among other things, we had taken a "Swamp Tour" where we were within spitting distance of some massive alligators. After 6 or so hours of driving, we decided to pitch a tent for the night by a river. At the time, my daughter was 8 years-old and couldn't get enough swimming. The park ranger was making his rounds so we asked him if it was cool to go swimming in the river and he recommends a spot only a few minutes walk from where we were camped.
So we do just that. A couple of hours of splashing around and having fun and such and we go roast our hotdogs and retire—at which point we are treated to the most glorious lightning storm I've ever seen.
The next morning, we wake up and while we're packing up camp, two local ladies start chatting us up and they happen to mention the family of alligators they had seen swimming in the river.
Horrified, I asked where. They pointed right to where we were swimming. I asked if they had seen them the day before and they said yes, same spot.
I literally looked at my daughter and said "Mommy is never to hear of this."
That was such a great trip for so many other reasons, but that story sticks out.
"You Ran Out Of Gas Mid-Flight?!"Giphy
When I was growing up, my dad was a private pilot (but former military pilot with many thousands of hours) and would sometimes take me along. One day, mid-flight, the engine just quit and we found ourselves at 5,000 feet and steadily descending in a glide over some pretty forested land.
Turns out he had forgotten to switch fuel tanks mid-flight (there were three in the plane and you're supposed to switch between them as you fly to ensure a constant supply of fuel and proper balancing). Luckily he diagnosed the issue and re-started the engine with a couple thousand feet to spare, and we were fine.
After he got sorted and chilled out a bit, he clicked on the intercom and said, "you're not gonna tell your mom about that, are you?"
I was about 13 years old (I'm in my 40s now), and she still doesn't know. She was paranoid about us kids flying with him and that would have been the end of it. He's in his 70s and still flying. Swears that's the only time he's ever had a brain fart like that while flying. I don't know if I believe him.
What do you not want your kids' mother to find out about? Share it with us!
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Have you ever found yourself in an argument so stupid and/or pointless that you were sure you were being punked? Like you keep looking away from the other person to check your surroundings for places Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew could come popping out of?
You're not the only one.
u/Anti-hollowkid asked: What is the dumbest argument you've ever been in?Brace yourselves, folks. Some of these arguments are breathtakingly bonkers. The sheer number of people who are willing to argue with someone over provable facts and what that other person likes or doesn't like is just ... stunning. It's stunning, you guys. Just not in a good way.
I Know What I LikeGiphy
My wife and I once argued over whether or not I liked mustard on my hot dog. I was for me liking mustard, she was against me liking mustard.
The argument lasted way longer that you could ever imagine it would.
A Stair Step
My brother and I argued if our staircase had 13 or 14 steps, based on an argument about if the floor of the second floor counts as a stair-step or not. We still have no solution.
My dad is a stairbuilder and I spent many summers working at his warehouse, so I can clear this up. 14.
My husband and I have this thing where we only say "I love you" on Saturdays. Every other day it's "I love you, but only on Saturdays." I don't know how it started, but it's been going for 11 years now.
We're both shiftworkers, so sometimes we have to stop and think what day it actually is. We had an argument recently over whether it was Saturday or not. I said it was Saturday, he said it was Friday. It was Monday.
I remember when I was about 13 my parents had an hour-long shouting match that ended with them almost getting divorced. The issue? Whether or not the nation of Iraq has a coastline.
My mother arguing that Iraq had a coastline, while my stepdad argued that it did not. This was back in 2004, and they are still quite happily married to this day. That incident is something they look back on and laugh about, and both of them admit it was really a pretty stupid thing to argue over.
With an ex:
"I owe you $80 for the bills of ours that you pay, and you owe me $40 for the bills of ours that I paid. Here's $40 in cash; we're even."
She did not understand this.
I literally had to go get another $40 out of the ATM, and hand the $80 to her. Then I had her hand me the $40 she owed me.
"Now how much do you have in your hand?"
She still didn't understand.
She somehow has a college degree.
When we were kids my brother and I got in a physical fight because he said I like mini wheats and I insisted I didn't. His argument was that I always sang the mini wheats song and I was deeply offended that he wasn't aware that it was just stuck in my head but I hated the cereal. I actually did like the cereal I'm not sure why I was arguing with him about it but I remember how genuinely angry I was.
I'll tell you about the only legal trouble I've ever been in, the fight that got me arrested. It started over whether we should return a box of crayons or not, and to this day I don't have any idea how it escalated to the point of the cops being called, but they were and I was the one taken in.
My boyfriend insisted that when two people are in an argument and one makes a point so reasonable and logical the other one can't disagree with it - it's unfair. I tried, logically and reasonably, to explain several times why that is just winning the argument, proving your point thoroughly and is completely fair.
His answer was that I was being unfair.
How the ch in masochism is pronounced. My friend caught me saying "masoKism" while he would say "masoSYism."
To be fair, he grew up speaking French, in which the ch in masochism is pronounced in "his" way. But he insisted that I was the wrong one here and that was just infuriating.
A woman was adamant that looking at the big solar eclipse on the television was unsafe unless you were wearing glasses. She wouldn't believe us and insisted on emailing NASA to check.
A Non-Standard Ruler?
I worked for a company that made signs. We had a customer ask for signs that were 7mm wide that were to go on a door. Our sign makers figured the order meant inches because 7mm is pretty small, so made them 7 inches. I got a phone call from the customer who went mad at me for making them the wrong size. So I put a reorder through for 7 mm.
Argued with the sign makers over it but they eventually agreed to do it after I shown them the order in writing. I even had the customer put her complaint in writing, reiterating the size they wanted.
7mm signs went out and a day later I get the customer on the phone literally screaming at me.
Cue the dumb argument - we ended up having an argument over how big a millimetre is, and obviously everyone in the office were laughing, but this customer just wouldn't accept it and said we must be using a non-standard ruler to measure.
Ended up being escalating to the sales department manager who refused to issue a refund. We still don't know what they actually meant.
This Unusual Vegan Argument
Was in a pub with a few friends, and some random Dude dropped an ear, and somehow figured I'm vegan. Well, people like him are the reason I usually avoid mentioning it. He came up to me and insisted on starting a discussion about veganism. He claimed that by the end of it, I would be eating meat again.
He listed some stupid arguments, I told him I was not convinced and then tried to keep on drinking beer with my friends. He followed me, and wanted me to "try to convert him to a vegan." I stupidly listed some of my reasons thinking it would make him go away. He told me he still was not convinced, so I was like whatever. Again, I really just wanted to drink beer with my friends.
That dude followed me all night and expected me to try make him vegan. Doesn't matter what I said, and all the reasons that for me are obviously good enough to be vegan. He'd be just like "No, that doesn't convince me, therefore your argument and how you life is stupid."
Didn't matter how often I told him that I honestly don't care; 5 minutes later he would come up to me again "I'm still not vegan, so veganism is stupid, all your arguments were stupid, now give me a good reason to become vegan!" At one point, I was literally yelling at him that I don't give a single flying f about what he eats and why, that it's in no way my responsibility to "turn somebody vegan" and in no way his business what I eat.
Honestly, for that dude, I would have bought a whole ham, just to shove it up his stupid annoying face.
In college my roommate and I argued about a line in Monty Python & the Holy Grail. The scene with the Black Knight where the line "Alright, we'll call it a draw" is uttered. We argued about who said that line, whether it was King Arthur or the Black Knight.
It went on for hours longer than it should have because I was stubborn and refused to admit I was wrong.
Albert or ArnoldGiphy
Whether Albert Einstein or Arnold Schwarzenegger would be more useful to have around during a Zombie apocalypse. How on earth would Albert Einstein come in handy!?
Below Sea Level
I live on an island and when you go upland and you look out the sea looks like it's higher than or on the same level as the land. It's just a weird perspective thing because of the horizon. One day some kid says that it's because the island is under sea level.
I'm like wtf bro all of us would be with the fishes. He argues that no that's not true and if I just go upland I'll see. We then spend a good 5 minutes of my time arguing about it until I decided to leave this kid in his stupidity. He even said we shouldn't believe everything adults tell us and sometimes we need to think for ourselves.
This kid was older than me and was going to a good school. Lost my respect for him ever since then.
Someone tried to fight with me over how to spell my name.
Now, my name is in a lot of languages with slightly different spellings. I would have accepted any of those spellings, but this one was just... Not even close. It didn't make any logical sense.
An analogous example is if my name was Thomas and someone was insisting it was spelled Tomash. And not just the name Thomas in general, but that me specifically, on my birth certificate, was named Tomash. I know how to spell my own name.
I swear to god, it went on for like an hour.
Whales Are Mammals
I was in an online chat room one day, and we were talking about whales. I commented on how whales are mammals and the next thing you know, someone was arguing with me and trying to convince me that a whale was a fish.
Stupid microwaves. Having a man child talk down to me about how microwaves work only for him to google it and prove me right. He slept on the sofa that night.
My friend keeps telling me that the norm is that a person should shower once a week. This has been going on for years. I'm almost convinced he's trolling me.
No Balloons For Grandma
My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky.
He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space. Releasing balloons is terrible for the environment and kills/harms so much wildlife.
He got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.
Spontaneous Dolphin ExistenceGiphy
How dolphins reproduced. It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence. The argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures.
Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day.
I repeatedly had the argument with a friend over whether roosters were chickens. She was convinced that only the females were chickens (hens). We were 18 at the time.
Me and my friend were drinking underage, we ended up in an argument of whether lightning McQueen's eyes were blue or green. Somehow throughout the whole thing both of us never thought to straight up google a picture.
But ... Ice Floats
Woman wanted ice on the bottom of her drink.
Now read that sentence again and try to imagine arguing with that particular brand of stupid.
Time Zones Exist
Coworker claimed that it was the same time of day and the same season on the whole globe. Had to get 4 coworkers to confirm to him that time zones do in fact exist.
My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.
"Hey could you hand me that red _____?"
"no, it's red"
"YOU CANT EVEN KNOW"
It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.
I'm late, but I saw this question and instantly remembered that I was booted from a Facebook group because I called someone out on a lie that was not only bull, but extremely pointless. She was friends with the moderator and they made the case that my argument over such a little lie was more of a problem than the lie itself (though they didn't refer to it as a lie.)
The woman said that she used to babysit for Andre 3000 and that his name was Andre 2000 - but he changed it after the year 2000 had passed. This was so easily disproven it was ridiculous. Their debut album came out in 1994 and he was already going by Andre 3000 at that time.
The argument wasn't a huge long drawn out thing, but the fact that either of us were on Facebook at separate times meant that the responses were over a long period of time so this argument lasted a few days.
It was stupid.
Stars Like Our Sun
I was arguing with my grandpa about stars he didn't believe that there are other stars like our sun. Basically he thought there is only the sun, the moon and the earth.
I have a degree in history. I mostly focused on nationalism. Wrote a 50 page paper on it and Richard Nixon with around 50 100 sources. Looked at micro film for hours on end. Part of the paper focused on how Nixon being chair of the house committee of Unamerican Activities was used as a powerful weapon to use against political enemies. It also inspired Joe McCarthy. Have had people tell me I was wrong and Nixon was never elected to a position besides the president and Joe McCarthy came before Nixon. I stopped trying to talk history to people.
I also know quite a bit about the history of the Balkans its amazing how many Serbs refuse to believe Tito did anything wrong.
Wrote 100 page paper on nationalism in Israel. Its frustrating to talk about because for some reason a lot of people think Palestinian firing rockets randomly into Israel is ok but if Israel retaliates the people get up in arms over a targeted air strike that kills 3 people.
Balloon to Heaven
My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky. He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space.
And he got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.
I got into an argument with a co-worker over how we were attaching two pages of a letter together: small binder clips or paper clips.
He felt that paper clips would leave a "dent" in the paper when removed, but binder clips won't. He refused to staple them together. I felt that binder clips would also leave a "dent", so we might as well just use the paper clips.
It ended with him saying: "Do what you want [me], I don't care!" and storming off.
Once got accused of faking being Jewish. Why? I have no clue. We argued over the course of a month, any time I'd bring it up and she heard about it, she'd begin going after me for "faking it".
My mother's side is ethnically Jewish. Grandparents were practicing.
3 friends and I once got into an argument about how to pronounce Nutella. It lasted for about 3-4 months. It was hilarious how serious we took it, it'd get heated but never for real serious.
I think someone even called the company that made it to check, or that may have been for the Cheetos company. We were really bored in high school.
Late to the party, but there it is.
I'm a manager at a small store. We're only 4 working there, so my team and I grew very close and we joke around a lot. Once during a slow shift, my employee and I had an argument because we were looking at the lingerie boxes, and I thought that two specific boxes had the same woman on it, but she was 100% positive they weren't the same person.
Looking back, I don't know why it was such a big deal to us at the time, but we even called another employee who lives across the street to come and tell us what the heck was up with that. Turns out I was right, and she was pretty salty about it. It was a great night.
Wicked Witch of the West
I almost got into an argument with an old girlfriend over Glinda the good witch from Oz. She insisted that Glinda was manipulating Dorothy to assassinate the Wicked Witch of the West and convince the Wizard to leave to create a political void she could fill.
I conceded the issue when I heard the whole premise because I thought it was too damn stupid to get worked up over.
Keep Your Hands to Yourself
Just the other day I legit got in an argument with my co-workers on why I don't like my butt being grabbed by anyone (I'm a guy). Seriously.
They went on about "I don't mind it. Mike and I do it all the time and we don't care." Yeah, that's nice dude, but I'm not you, and there's something called "Keep your hands to yourself" (which was taught to a good portion of us growing up). Just like how Karen wouldn't like it if I touched her boobs or her grabbing your crotch or frankly ANY area you wouldn't like being grabbed, keep away. In general, you should not be touching me in any areas after I've told you not to several times before.
So unless you're sleeping me or dating me, keep your damn hands off my toosh.
My best friend and I argued over whether or not telekinesis was possible. Her argument was that humans don't yet know what the human brain at 100% usage was capable of, and that telekinesis was inside the possibilities.
I said the brain does use 100%, just at different times.
We didn't speak to each other for four days.
How dolphins reproduced and whether or not ghost existed (back to back with the same person). It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence (the argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures).
How it shifted to the existence of ghosts is a solid and reasonable question to ask (I don't remember why). I had to then proceed to tell her that ghost hunting TV shows do not constitute as undeniable evidence.
Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day. This was in high school SO... hopefully she was kidding.
Dogs and ChocolateGiphy
I told this stupid woman that chocolate is toxic to dogs. She went on to tell me how a little bit will just make them hyper and then they will calm down. I told her to google it. Her and her bf shut right up. Now they have a kid. Good luck, Jeremy and Andrea. morons.
I should also add that this argument started because Jeremy was giving his tiny dog chocolate and I told him it was toxic.
Is water wet?
My roommate and I have a recurring argument over whether or not water is wet l, and whether or not a person is considered wet underwater.
For the record, it is no to both questions.
A kid a church telling me about the mission trip I went on. Not only was I not on that trip, but I had never been on any mission trip. We were good friends, so it's not like he would've mistaken someone else for me.
He insisted I was there as if an entire week long trip would just fall out of my memory. He even had stories of things we'd done together. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying, joking, stupid, or crazy, but I was pretty sure he was some combination thereof.
One time I got into a shouting match with my mom and little brother in the car. The issue? The names of the two-headed dragon from the PBS kids afternoon show Dragon Tales. I swore it was Zack and Macie.
It was actually Zak and Wheezie. I don't even remember why we were yelling about it.
Green Or Yellow?
When I was about 15 or so my mother and I spent about 20-30 minutes arguing about the color of a shirt. We agreed it was blue/green, but to me it was just a shade more blue, while to her it was just a bit more green.
Turns out, your eyeballs yellow as you age and hers were 24 years yellower than mine, so I think that skewed her color vision.
Stars In Their MultitudeGiphy
I once got in an argument over whether or not a line from the song "Stars" in Les Mis says "...but mine is the way of the lord" or "mine is the way of the law".
I didn't even really care what he thought but he was so adamant and cocky that it got me heated. By the end of it we were shouting at each other and I had to apologize, which I think is what he wanted the whole time.
My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.
"Hey could you hand me that red _____?" "that's orange" "no, it's red" "orange" "YOU CANT EVEN KNOW".
It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.
About five years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) once had a very intense argument about whether or not hot water cleaned things better than cold water.
She genuinely believed that water temperature didn't matter. This is someone who has not one, but two masters degrees.
We argued for something like 2 hours, and we seriously almost broke up over the whole thing.
I had an argument with a girl IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIOLOGY CLASS in high school about how humans are not mammals. She thought a human was a human and we are not mammals because "mammals are animals and humans are not animals"
I tried explaining to her the difference between reptiles and mammals and how humans fall under the mammal category to try and educate her... but she just wouldn't listen.
I still have no idea why the BIOLOGY teacher did not get involved...
Solid Or Liquid?
Some classmates and I got into a heated debate as to whether or not the human body could count as a soup, salad, or sandwich. The teacher got mad at us, but hey! All we were doing was watching a movie.
For the record, my logic lays with soup- Liquid contained within a solid, at a hot temperature.