Employees Share The Most "Dwight Schrute" Thing A Coworker Of Theirs Has Ever Done
For many people who work in an office setting, watching The Office can be an exhilarating combination of "this is totally true" and "I can't watch this it's too real". Most people can look at Dwight and spot some similarities between him and a person in their workplace, but these people? It's almost uncanny. Check out people's accounts of their most "Dwight Schrute" coworker stories below.
Cliff. Comically gaunt face, papery skin, shaved head that always had nicks.
He would bring his lunch, which would either be a full meal on a plate as in, slices of roast meat, vegetables, potatoes, gravy, all on a plate he somehow brought to work on the train, covered in saran wrap, without spilling. OR he would literally eat a 4lb tin of beans or pineapple, straight from the tin of course.
He lived about an hour out of the city on a property infested with snakes this is in Australia mind, so they were all deadly. He would often show me photos actual developed film photos, not from a phone - of snakes he had killed over the weekend. This was around three years ago. Twice, he brought the carcasses of deceased snakes into the office.
He was completely deadpan and stoic all the time. Once he trapped a mouse in the office with his bare hands.
It used to be a fellow named Gary. He wore the same jeans and green turtleneck combo year round, regardless of weather. Always wore latex gloves. I mean, it was a semi-industrial environment, but I mean all the time. Even to eat. He would take them off at the end of the day and save them for the next. He brought his lunch in an old bread bag, which he would also reuse. Same thing every day. Bologna and onion sandwiches. He was a self-proclaimed computer expert rocking a 386 in 2010. I asked him about the internet once and he said, "His hotel didn't have dial up, but he'd like to check it out sometime". I think he was a time traveler.
Dave is our IT guru who took it upon himself to be responsible for everyone's safety. He'd demand we do seasonal evacuation drills, (we're not even in a high rise), fire drills in ADDITION to those planned by the building, and also pulls double shift as our office security guy.
Highlight was when a couple of credit card salesmen managed to wander into our office, Dave just straight up escorted them out. When they refused, rather than calling security, Dave went to his desk AND TOOK OUT A POLICE BATON AND A TASER.
Lets call him Mark.
Mark wears shorts to work with sandals and socks, every day. They are always the same. He also wears the same raggedy, hole-filled T-shirt.
Mark has a 'file' on everyone he works with. This is a well known fact and he will openly admit he has 'files' on everyone.
Mark regularly brings drinks in that look like alcohol. They aren't alcohol, he is just waiting for someone unsuspecting to accuse him of bringing in alcohol so he can report them for bullying.
Mark has reported 10 people I know of for bullying. No action has been taken against any of them.
Mark uses the printer almost constantly. I have no idea what he prints, but he prints easily over 100 pages a day and spends his breaks with these sheets and a highlighter. His job gives him very little cause to legitimately use the printer.
Mark spends ALOT of time in the canteen, and if you go in while he is there, you will most likely be cornered and get a lecture about whatever is grinding his gears at that current moment.
Mark has an issue with every single initiative the department tries to implement.
Mark has the most obnoxious ringtone I've ever heard, his phone rings about 10 times a day and he takes an exceptionally long time to answer it.
Mark's desk is a catastrophe, it honestly looks like a hoarders house, I have no idea how no one has complained.
We work for the government, Mark is essentially immune to being fired.
Ugh. Steve. He's gotta be about 40.
I had to explain to him what a burrito was one time.
He vacations in Florida in a house, "with hot water and electricity and everything."
His pants barely make it past his knees when he crosses his legs.
His dream is to move to a trailer park someday. Because houses are too expensive. We have the same job. I have a house.
When I walk past his cube there's a 90% chance he is just looking at the screen, smiling blankly.
In meetings he generally chooses one person to stare at the entire time.
He took the office-provided diet class years ago, and was SHOCKED to learn you're not supposed to eat a pint of ice cream for dinner every night.
Now he drinks a diet shake for lunch every day. Only he takes it to a restaurant parking lot down the street and drinks it there. Nobody knows why.
He tells long, meandering and often pointless stories, usually that have nothing to do with what people are already talking about. One time I was talking to someone about the weather and he came in with, "You know how there's a lot of traffic at night, you know, because everyone else is driving home too, and you're just sitting on the highway? Sometimes I make a phone call to pass the time."Oh, uh...cool man. Me too?
He considers going out to eat the prepared food section of supermarkets, "Where they have already-made sandwiches and everything." He told me this like he had discovered something and had to let me know.
He has dial up internet. Again, I would not give someone grief for being lower income. We have THE SAME office-type job. He lives alone. Cable internet is beyond common in our area. I don't think he knows, though.
I work with a guy who looks just like Dwight Schrute. Personality wise, he's completely different, but he looks just like him. It's hilarious.
There's Jay. He's not totally Dwight-like, but he's close enough. Here are a bunch of things he does, starting with the "Dwighty" things before I just get into the totally random stuff I've noticed over the years that could have elements of Dwight in them.
Dwight Thing #1: Jay is in no way responsible for the safety of the office, but he keeps his own safety checklist, (complete with clipboard), in his desk and he conducts his own personal safety checks, (inspecting fire extinguishers and everything). He never lets us know if the office passes or fails though. I think the boss lets this slide just because, technically, it is doing more good than harm?
Dwight Thing #2: He routinely states that he's not at work to make friends and that he's only here because he has a job to do. If you keep talking to him, he gets angry and says that you're interfering with his work. He's generally very aloof with all of us except when he's in the parking lot or the kitchen area. In both of those spots, he tries to make small talk that's usually about yesterday's weather, (not today's weather - yesterday's), how gross the coffee is, (we have a coffee vending machine), etc.
He always brings in a lot of Tupperware, every single day, and takes up about 1/5 of the fridge space with it. He puts masking tape labels on them with his name and things like "don't touch" on them. They're not transparent and are all a solid green colour so nobody really knows what's in them, (I shook one once and it sounded like jelly beans or something?), but he takes them with him when he leaves on his lunch break and that's the last we see of them each day.
If there is any noise in the office at all, even just someone idly tapping a pen against their desk or a fan/vent vibrating a little bit, he complains about getting a headache and that he can't work with all of this noise and takes a bathroom break to take pills and let his head rest. Jay supposedly gets migraines "really easily" and that is why he gets away with this. He was gone for about 10 minutes once and another coworker went to the bathroom after and said that Jay wasn't even there.
I've seen him inspecting the brick walls and the foundation outside multiple times. I don't want to ask him why he does it.
He wears sweaters to work every day. Like, big wooly ones. He alternates between, I think, three different ones. One of them is borderline ugly sweater. It's funny though because they actually fit his image.
He doesn't bring in a book bag or a suitcase. He brings in a small padlocked toolbox-looking thing and he keeps all of his pens and stuff in it.
Whenever he uses the printer, he somehow jams it. Every single time. He's clearly doing something more than just standing there and letting his sheets print, otherwise we wouldn't have this problem a few times a week.
He is usually always wearing his sunglasses inside, (especially when he has his "headaches"). It's really weird and he only takes them off during staff meets, talking to customers/clients, etc. I cannot stress how weird this is. It also doesn't really suit his appearance. He looks like a walking fashion disaster or an out of shape, (and out of work), blues singer.
I was standing beside his desk once, talking to him, and he opened the top drawer of his desk, (the one where you'd normally keep your pens, stationary, etc.) and it was full of pill bottles. Both over the counter and prescription. I swear there must have been at least twenty, (not of each, but in total). I know for sure that there was more than a dozen, but I would definitely say that twenty or more was a safe guess.
He comes in wearing big, heavy rain boots even when it is bone dry outside and then he changes into black dress shoes at his desk.
He is eating peanuts all day long. He keeps a little glass bowl on his desk. The really fancy kind of glass bowl with the lid and everything, the sort that you'd expect to find at your grandmother's house. It even has little legs.
My boss, (who is a really good person), wants to fire him just because he makes everyone feel weird when he's around, but he can't because Jay's never technically done anything wrong, he's just strange. The funny part is that everyone knows this except Jay, so we're all just waiting for him to enter a rage and break the printer or something one day to see what our boss does.
I saw him loading snow into his trunk once about two winters ago. He was doing it really quickly as if he didn't want to be caught. When he saw that I saw him, he stopped and looked at me and didn't say anything, so I just kept to myself and walked away. I never asked him about it and he never brought it up, so I still don't know what he was doing that day.
I was one of the last ones leaving one day, and I saw him outside cursing and swearing really loudly about someone pushing him around, and he had one of those big water jugs that you put on water coolers, but it was empty and he was kicking it around, (I don't know where he got the jug from, but it wasn't from the office). Then he picked it up and threw it as he growled really angrily. I wanted to laugh but I made sure that I was quiet enough to leave without him knowing that I saw him. I sit near him and I don't remember anything bad happening that day or anyone in a position of authority even talking to him, so I don't know what he was so mad about.
This isn't a Dwight thing or a weird thing, just a "Wow, I can't believe that!" sort of thing. He still has an old Motorola flip phone that has a bulky back and an actual antenna, so I figure it's at least 15 years old.
Sometimes I want to quit and get a new job just so that I don't have to be around Jay. When I'm actually around him it's really weird and sometimes uncomfortable, but then I think about him later or I write something like this and it's like it reminds me that I can't possibly leave my job because then I won't get to see what weird thing Jay will do next.
There was a guy I used to work with that was the epitome of awkward/strange:
On his first day, the general manager, (his bosss boss), mentioned that if he has any insurance questions he should speak to Hulk, (thats just what we called the guy, it obviously wasnt his name), and The Dwight responded with "What? I dont see any angry green men around here?" and the GM just kind of smirked and pointed to who he meant. So The Dwight proudly continued on with, "Did you know I have the exact same dimensions as superman? And the eyes to match" This guy was not built like Superman, not one bit. I mean he was geeky and had dark hair, but not built like Superman.
One of the guys mentioned he was picking up a new phone after work and already knew which one he was getting. The Dwight ruthlessly hounded him for the whole day with lecture after lecture about why his choice was wrong and printed out comparisons as to why he should be buying a different phone. He went with his initial choice; The Dwight wasnt happy.
We used to have drinks on a Friday afternoon, because free booze, why not? During this time we would often end up debating about the hottest celebrities on comparing lists online. We were looking at and debating the historic list of worlds sexiest man when the topic of Pierce Brosnan came up. This was his chance to intervene with an anecdote about how his great aunt was on a plane with Pierce, and it came up, (on the place), that the aunt had the same maiden name as Pierce. He then continued to say, "So Im pretty much related to Pierce, you can see the family resemblance (despite being a married in aunt, not by blood). Naturally we thought he was joking and laughed. He was not joking.
At my going away drinks, I had planned to head across to the pub with a small group of people. Not only did he decide to invite himself, but when we got there he ordered a shot, that he then proceeded to sip on for 30 minutes. WHO SIPS ON A SHOT? Its called a shot for heavens sake!
We had casual Fridays. Now this meant guys were still expected to wear a collared top, so polos or decorative flannies were generally the go to. But no. Not with this guy. He wore his Superman shirt every casual dress day. One fateful casual dress day when they started enforcing the collared rule, The Dwight wore a Superman shirt under his short sleeved button down shirt. Which is, you know, whatever, no one has to see it. The Dwight however decided that he needed to tell someone, anyone, about his shirt and the comparisons that could be made. He picked the Managing Partner, (well call him MP), of the legal division. As they were casually doing the usual, much-planned-for-the-weekend pleasantries, The Dwight whips open his top three buttons to reveal his much-loved tee and says, "See this button down is just to hide my true identity… Do you have a secret alter ego?". The MP was confused no doubt. He just kind of fobbed it off and went on with his day. The MP was a huge fan of India Jones (ringtone and everything) but knew very little of Superman.
One of the girls was nicknamed Cat, (her name didnt even have cat in it, its just the nickname she had), and he would just meow at her every time she walked past or was talking to someone in his cubicle. Now, keep in mind, this was a professional services company, not some part-time job working with kids.
At a previous job he got reprimanded for bullying other staff members when it came to the fruit box. He would spend most of his day watching the fruit box and keeping track of how many people were taking and would then stop people from taking fruit when he felt they had taken more than their share. This resulted in a lot of complaints.
One day I was caught on the tram with him on the way to work, both on the tram and at work I was lectured about how the new Fantastic Four was shit. For 45 minutes. Didnt bother watching the movie as I was concerned that if he found out I would have to listen to all of his stupid points again.
He bought a 3-bedroom house (which, you know good on him) but then tore down the supporting wall between the two spare rooms to build an at home gym. Effectively destroying the resale price of the property. It was in what is generally a family oriented suburb.
He's a "hoverer." If he wants something, instead of asking for it, he goes to the person he needs to talk to and just stands next to them and stares until they initiate the conversation. This is extremely, extremely annoying. Especially if I'm on the phone and can't acknowledge him right away. He also whispers everything to me. If he's going to leave the room, he'll come over to my desk, (even if the supervisor is in the room), lean over, and whisper, "I'm going on break now." It's become a running joke in the office, and now our supervisor makes fun of him by loudly whispering that he's going on break, or to the bathroom, every time he leaves.
Oh, and there was also the time I asked to leave early, Supervisor said no, and then Coworker says, "No, you can go. We have enough coverage." Oh, thank you sir. I didn't realize you could override the boss and dismiss me. Mind you, the boss was sitting at his desk right next to me, and this was about a minute after I had first asked and been told no. Coworker got a talking to about the exact amount of authority he had in the office (zilch).
I worked in retail loss prevention years ago and my manager was a reject wannabe cop. She was a volunteer reserve deputy with the local sheriffs department on the side. So, she had her power at the store and focused on internal loss over anything else.
Now, she never showed up in her uniform like Dwight or anything like that, but her attitude was so much cop. She saw a bored 17 year old employee casually tossing a throw pillow in the home furnishing department and fired her for "destruction of company property." She often fired people for petty stuff like that.
She would also often set up these "stings". She'd leave an envelope of cash somewhere on the sales floor and basically entrap someone she wanted gone. Knowing these were upper-middle class suburban kids who were, at the time, making about $6/hour and had a certain lifestyle, she'd take advantage. She'd follow them on camera for hours, waiting for them to take the bait and not turn in the envelope. There was no indication it was store money so these kids would pocket it. I'd say she fired at least 5 people this way while I was there.
Several years later, I moved into apartments that happened to be on a college campus. She was a campus cop there and I laughed so hard. The first interaction I had with her was when she had to help my wife chase a raccoon off the stairs by our place.
Thanks for reading!
When you're a kid most adults will tell you one thing or another is "cool" and "fun." Odds are you're too young to form any kind of opinion on the matter one way or another. You're a kid, right? You don't know what you're eating for breakfast. However, when you get older and form that larger worldview, you realize that yeah, maybe that one time when you were a kid actually wasn't fun.
These are those stories.