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Family Heirlooms Divide Two Sisters, And We've Got Feelings

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

We lose each other over the most materialistic things when in reality its each other we should be taking care of. And here we are-two sisters losing each other over family heirlooms.


u/outerbanks2114 told the sad tale:

My mom (60) gave three family heirlooms (rings) to my sister (29) and nothing to me (32). Feeling left out of some family memories and not sure if it's worth bringing up

I have one sibling -- a younger sister (29). For years, my sister struggled with school and in her personal life, and in a (what I believe) was a misguided attempt to help, my parents babied her big time. They moved her into an apartment while she was in school and paid her rent/expenses. Meanwhile, I couldn't move out until I was 22 and could afford rent/all my expenses on my own or with roommates. Today I have a good job, and although I'm not well off by any stretch, I'm doing pretty good for myself.

My sister finished school last year and now also has a good job. One that if she really applies herself, she could make more than I do. However, I recently learned something and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

For years, my mom always said that Sarah would get my great-grandmother's engagement ring. This thing is a serious rock. It's beautiful, with several huge diamonds. Fine by me -- It's not quite my style and my mom said that she believed the "types of guys" my sister dated would never be able to give her anything like it. I always thought that the latter was a weird reason (and a big assumption) but the former reason making sense -- It's maybe not something I'd appreciate as much as she would).

Fine, totally fine. However, now, I was at my sister's last week and she ended up showing me two more rings -- one from the same grandmother, and another from our other grandmother -- that my mother also gave to her. Now, one of those rings I always loved -- it's more of a vintage-looking band and I always assumed it was probably costume jewelry, but my sister told me she had it appraised just to see, and it's actually very much a real gold band with real diamonds. The other ring is a gold band my other grandmother used to always wear. That one is a little strange to me that my mother would have given it away, as it was her mother's and the only thing she had of her mother's (one of my aunts wiped out my grandmother's place when she died).

I really don't know how to feel here. The not-as-important factor here is the fact that my sister now has or will every valuable family heirloom from both our grandmothers, and the main factor is that my mother seems to have left me out of all of these discussions/isn't setting any heirlooms aside for me. I don't know how to bring it up to her either, because she's super sensitive/nonconfrontational and will either try immediately to say she didn't mean Sarah could keep them forever/she didn't mean to/Sarah just asked for them so she didn't know what to do/I'm so independent and Sarah is not so she'll never be able to buy something like that for herself. IDK…I feel kind of hurt, but also like maybe I'll need to just let it go. Thoughts? Should I try to bring up? I really would hate if my mom thought I was fishing for valuables or something.

$%^&*()&$%^&*()

TLDR: Found out my mom gave my sister two valuable rings/family heirlooms and has another set aside for her for down the road. To my knowledge, there isn't anything set aside for me and I feel like I've been left out of having any piece of family memories. Should I let it go or bring it up to my very sensitive mother?

Here is some of the advice she was given.

One

This is actually something I would bring up with mom if this was something that has hurt your feelings.

It genuinely with heirlooms is not always all about the money.

It feels off to me that the split of three heirloom family rings was Sarah 3 OP 0.

lemonade_sparkle

Two

So....I reread your post after reading the critical first comment, and I disagree with that first comment. You sound hurt over years of feeling like your parents (esp your mother?) Love your sister more.

I know exactly how this feels. I won't go into my 'story' because this isn't about me, but I too have a little sister with whom my parents have an entirely different relationship and expectations. This hurts so much.

That being said, I understand your hurt. I think it is legitimate hurt. I would ask: can you talk to your mother (because I think letting it go will just foster further hurt and resentment) without bringing up all your other hurts regarding her relationship with your sister? I ask this because any time I have tried to approach my parents on this type of thing, they insist I am 'hanging onto the past' and they don't actually end up hearing what I am saying.

Maybe write a letter. Explain how you would have liked the one you loved. It's done now, but I think expressing your feelings on the subject will help you move on from this. I am so sorry OP. This is tough.

QueenoftheExiles

Three

It always sucks to feel like the "secondary" child. But there are only really two choices with this: confront your parents, or let it go. She has the rings, your mom made that choice. You can talk about it with her, which might not do much. Or you can just take a deep breath and move on.

It seems like there's a little bit of resentment towards your family's favoritism with Sarah, which is totally normal. I know friends who have similar situations. Therapy helped them a lot. Maybe look into it?

kelefreak

Four

Of course you're miffed about it, and it doesn't matter if it's because of memories or money or a mixture of both. Sadly your little sister is the golden child and you will probably always come second for things involving money.

I would outright say how hurt you are that she's either given your sister the rings or not put up a fight when your sister claimed them. Let her say all the things you think she will and then just tell het again that you're hurt. Don't let her derail the conversation by saying it and just keep telling her she has hurt you and that it's up to her to fix it.

anyanka_eg

Five

Without being confrontational so your mom goes down all those avoidance rabbit holes, could you just say, "I noticed Sarah has several of grandmother's beautiful rings, and I would love to have some heirlooms too because I loved Grandmother very much. What are your plans for xyz items?" (About ones you would actually want, if there are any.) I don't think that's weirdly fishing for "valuables" or anything -- they are mementos of a loved one, and if you want one, you should say so.

foggycactus

Six

Let me ask you something. Have you ever in the past pointed out to your mother that something she did was wrong or unfair, and had her take you seriously and not lash out? Even a small thing.

I ask this because if my mother did something like this, there would never, ever, ever be a good way or a right moment to talk to her about it. She's incapable of handling criticism. I suspect a mother who shows favoritism like yours does is going to fall on that side of the criticism spectrum. But that's not how healthy people act, and maybe your mom deserves more credit than I've given her.

So. If she's a reasonable person who will listen to what you have to say: talk to her. If she's not: don't. Accept that things are going to be unfair, and stop looking there for care or fairness.

StarryMotley

Seven

Speak up, OP. Tell your mom you want one of the rings and be specify which one.

When your mom said, "Keep them," that could have been an unspecific request for your sister to hold onto them, not that she actually gets them.

I have two daughters and let me tell you, my younger kid is an attention hog. Any parent that tells you their kids get equal attention is LYING to themselves and everyone else. The squeaky wheel gets the immediate grease and then you make it up to the other one later.

Be the sqeuaky wheel and get what you want.

arahzel

Eight

Could you ask your mom offhand when you see her next if you could see your grandmas gold band? Then your mom would have a chance to explain without feeling like it's a confrontation that she gave them all to your sister (and potentially why).

Then you could bring up how you're a little hurt because you always pictured using one for your wedding/passing down to your kids, etc. It might just gently show her that you're feeling left out of the heirlooms? Just an idea!

Doctor_Spaceship

Nine

God these things suck, don't they? It comes across to so many people that you're greedy and it's about material objects, when actually there's a genuine deep pain that your Mother seems to indicate she cares for and loves your sister more. And it f***ing sucks.

I struggle with this too. God, do I struggle. I have 4 siblings. My parents have helped out 3/5 them for significant portions of their adult lives, and the fourth she just seems to keep handing off thousands of dollars to in the form of cars and rings. My Mom handed off a 15k ring to one brother for an engagement ring with nary a word to us. She bought him a car. She bought the other boy 2 cars. She's half-supported both my sisters for years.

In contrast, she was mad at me for YEARS for not taking on the ParentPlus loans she told me she'd pay off by herself (in exchange for me going to grad school when I didn't want to; combined with a threat she'd throw me out of the house unless I went---fascinating considering how many years of free rent the rest of my siblings got).

Whenever I bring any of this up, I'm told how competent, capable, and strong I am. No one has to worry about me. I make great money. Mom keeps trying to wheedle promises out of me that I make x amount of money I'll give her y.

It hurts. Right? It f***ing hurts. Because it isn't money. It's care, attention, thought, and the giving of something precious to them to the next generation. It could be a goddamn teddy bear she'd loved her entire life and I'd be upset.

Most likely she doesn't even realize she's doing these hurtful things. Share how you're feeling with her if you think it'll be productive. Sometimes that works for my Mom if there's no actual action on her end. Like last week when she send out an email saying she'd call some of us (she's overseas) soon, specifically Child A and Child B and Child C (don't know what the other kid did to get left out this time). And the lovely time she listed all the people she missed in an email and it was everyone BUT me. She apologized when I mentioned I'd prefer NOT to receive emails that explicitly make it clear I'm not a priority.

But when it comes to things with monetary value? Omg. You'd think I was some goddamn leach wanting to bleed her dry, greedy to my core and selfish for ever holding it against my siblings that they got something I didn't. It's exhausting. And when it comes to these things, in my experience, you gotta go to therapy and just try to NOT CARE. Whenever she does something thoughtless like this repeat to yourself the facts about her that prove she loves you.

For me, I remind myself that when I truly need her, when I need her time or her attention, she is there. Always. And despite all this money being thrown around to seemingly everyone but me, despite the emails that clearly show she isn't even prioritizing me the same way, despite SENDING me the damn emails...despite all that, she must love me.

Jeeze, just tearing up thinking about it. It's hard.

wefsix

Ten

All the reasons you gave for favoritism/extra help is inexcusable imo. You are also a daughter. It really depends on your goal, do you want to salvage/ improve your relationship with your mother? Any complaint will just make you look pretty or jealous. Your mom sucks for putting you in this situation. Our personalities and values probably differ, but if I was in your shoes, I'd reciprocate fairly based on the amount of love/help/teachings they provided me during but up bringing. But like someone else started, let your sister change the diapers since she gets the priority in your mother's eyes.

shitatreading

Have you ever found yourself in an argument so stupid and/or pointless that you were sure you were being punked? Like you keep looking away from the other person to check your surroundings for places Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew could come popping out of?

You're not the only one.

u/Anti-hollowkid asked: What is the dumbest argument you've ever been in?

Brace yourselves, folks. Some of these arguments are breathtakingly bonkers. The sheer number of people who are willing to argue with someone over provable facts and what that other person likes or doesn't like is just ... stunning. It's stunning, you guys. Just not in a good way.

I Know What I Like

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My wife and I once argued over whether or not I liked mustard on my hot dog. I was for me liking mustard, she was against me liking mustard.

The argument lasted way longer that you could ever imagine it would.

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My mother arguing that Iraq had a coastline, while my stepdad argued that it did not. This was back in 2004, and they are still quite happily married to this day. That incident is something they look back on and laugh about, and both of them admit it was really a pretty stupid thing to argue over.

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"I owe you $80 for the bills of ours that you pay, and you owe me $40 for the bills of ours that I paid. Here's $40 in cash; we're even."

She did not understand this.

I literally had to go get another $40 out of the ATM, and hand the $80 to her. Then I had her hand me the $40 she owed me.

"Now how much do you have in your hand?"

She still didn't understand.

She somehow has a college degree.

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His answer was that I was being unfair.

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To be fair, he grew up speaking French, in which the ch in masochism is pronounced in "his" way. But he insisted that I was the wrong one here and that was just infuriating.

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A Non-Standard Ruler? 

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Argued with the sign makers over it but they eventually agreed to do it after I shown them the order in writing. I even had the customer put her complaint in writing, reiterating the size they wanted.

7mm signs went out and a day later I get the customer on the phone literally screaming at me.

Cue the dumb argument - we ended up having an argument over how big a millimetre is, and obviously everyone in the office were laughing, but this customer just wouldn't accept it and said we must be using a non-standard ruler to measure.

Ended up being escalating to the sales department manager who refused to issue a refund. We still don't know what they actually meant.

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He listed some stupid arguments, I told him I was not convinced and then tried to keep on drinking beer with my friends. He followed me, and wanted me to "try to convert him to a vegan." I stupidly listed some of my reasons thinking it would make him go away. He told me he still was not convinced, so I was like whatever. Again, I really just wanted to drink beer with my friends.

That dude followed me all night and expected me to try make him vegan. Doesn't matter what I said, and all the reasons that for me are obviously good enough to be vegan. He'd be just like "No, that doesn't convince me, therefore your argument and how you life is stupid."

Didn't matter how often I told him that I honestly don't care; 5 minutes later he would come up to me again "I'm still not vegan, so veganism is stupid, all your arguments were stupid, now give me a good reason to become vegan!" At one point, I was literally yelling at him that I don't give a single flying f about what he eats and why, that it's in no way my responsibility to "turn somebody vegan" and in no way his business what I eat.

Honestly, for that dude, I would have bought a whole ham, just to shove it up his stupid annoying face.

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It went on for hours longer than it should have because I was stubborn and refused to admit I was wrong.

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Albert or Arnold

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I'm like wtf bro all of us would be with the fishes. He argues that no that's not true and if I just go upland I'll see. We then spend a good 5 minutes of my time arguing about it until I decided to leave this kid in his stupidity. He even said we shouldn't believe everything adults tell us and sometimes we need to think for ourselves.

This kid was older than me and was going to a good school. Lost my respect for him ever since then.

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Now, my name is in a lot of languages with slightly different spellings. I would have accepted any of those spellings, but this one was just... Not even close. It didn't make any logical sense.


An analogous example is if my name was Thomas and someone was insisting it was spelled Tomash. And not just the name Thomas in general, but that me specifically, on my birth certificate, was named Tomash. I know how to spell my own name.

I swear to god, it went on for like an hour.

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Whales Are Mammals

I was in an online chat room one day, and we were talking about whales. I commented on how whales are mammals and the next thing you know, someone was arguing with me and trying to convince me that a whale was a fish.

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Microwaves

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No Balloons For Grandma

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He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space. Releasing balloons is terrible for the environment and kills/harms so much wildlife.

He got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

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Spontaneous Dolphin Existence

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How dolphins reproduced. It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence. The argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day.

- thebeststory

Male Chickens

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Lightning McQueen

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- 23071115

But ... Ice Floats

Waiter/Host here.

Woman wanted ice on the bottom of her drink.

Now read that sentence again and try to imagine arguing with that particular brand of stupid.

- FarWoods

Time Zones Exist

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- JustARegularToaster

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"Hey could you hand me that red _____?"

"that's orange"

"no, it's red"

"orange"

"YOU CANT EVEN KNOW"

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

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Andre 2000?

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I'm late, but I saw this question and instantly remembered that I was booted from a Facebook group because I called someone out on a lie that was not only bull, but extremely pointless. She was friends with the moderator and they made the case that my argument over such a little lie was more of a problem than the lie itself (though they didn't refer to it as a lie.)


The woman said that she used to babysit for Andre 3000 and that his name was Andre 2000 - but he changed it after the year 2000 had passed. This was so easily disproven it was ridiculous. Their debut album came out in 1994 and he was already going by Andre 3000 at that time.

The argument wasn't a huge long drawn out thing, but the fact that either of us were on Facebook at separate times meant that the responses were over a long period of time so this argument lasted a few days.

It was stupid.

- P1ST0L_Wh1PP3D

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fox_boi2

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I also know quite a bit about the history of the Balkans its amazing how many Serbs refuse to believe Tito did anything wrong.

Wrote 100 page paper on nationalism in Israel. Its frustrating to talk about because for some reason a lot of people think Palestinian firing rockets randomly into Israel is ok but if Israel retaliates the people get up in arms over a targeted air strike that kills 3 people.

grumblecakes1

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And he got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

Dskee02

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He felt that paper clips would leave a "dent" in the paper when removed, but binder clips won't. He refused to staple them together. I felt that binder clips would also leave a "dent", so we might as well just use the paper clips.

It ended with him saying: "Do what you want [me], I don't care!" and storming off.

justantherredditgirl

Jewish

Once got accused of faking being Jewish. Why? I have no clue. We argued over the course of a month, any time I'd bring it up and she heard about it, she'd begin going after me for "faking it".

My mother's side is ethnically Jewish. Grandparents were practicing.

Aslkurloz

Nutella

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3 friends and I once got into an argument about how to pronounce Nutella. It lasted for about 3-4 months. It was hilarious how serious we took it, it'd get heated but never for real serious.

I think someone even called the company that made it to check, or that may have been for the Cheetos company. We were really bored in high school.

vault_tec_redditor

Lingerie Boxes

Late to the party, but there it is.

I'm a manager at a small store. We're only 4 working there, so my team and I grew very close and we joke around a lot. Once during a slow shift, my employee and I had an argument because we were looking at the lingerie boxes, and I thought that two specific boxes had the same woman on it, but she was 100% positive they weren't the same person.

Looking back, I don't know why it was such a big deal to us at the time, but we even called another employee who lives across the street to come and tell us what the heck was up with that. Turns out I was right, and she was pretty salty about it. It was a great night.

Meh75

Wicked Witch of the West

I almost got into an argument with an old girlfriend over Glinda the good witch from Oz. She insisted that Glinda was manipulating Dorothy to assassinate the Wicked Witch of the West and convince the Wizard to leave to create a political void she could fill.

I conceded the issue when I heard the whole premise because I thought it was too damn stupid to get worked up over.

weirdatwork2017

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Just the other day I legit got in an argument with my co-workers on why I don't like my butt being grabbed by anyone (I'm a guy). Seriously.

They went on about "I don't mind it. Mike and I do it all the time and we don't care." Yeah, that's nice dude, but I'm not you, and there's something called "Keep your hands to yourself" (which was taught to a good portion of us growing up). Just like how Karen wouldn't like it if I touched her boobs or her grabbing your crotch or frankly ANY area you wouldn't like being grabbed, keep away. In general, you should not be touching me in any areas after I've told you not to several times before.

So unless you're sleeping me or dating me, keep your damn hands off my toosh.

Frisby2007

Telekinesis

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I said the brain does use 100%, just at different times.

We didn't speak to each other for four days.

dude_bizarro

Ghosts

How dolphins reproduced and whether or not ghost existed (back to back with the same person). It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence (the argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures).


How it shifted to the existence of ghosts is a solid and reasonable question to ask (I don't remember why). I had to then proceed to tell her that ghost hunting TV shows do not constitute as undeniable evidence.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day. This was in high school SO... hopefully she was kidding.

thebeststory

Dogs and Chocolate

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I told this stupid woman that chocolate is toxic to dogs. She went on to tell me how a little bit will just make them hyper and then they will calm down. I told her to google it. Her and her bf shut right up. Now they have a kid. Good luck, Jeremy and Andrea. morons.

I should also add that this argument started because Jeremy was giving his tiny dog chocolate and I told him it was toxic.

KlutzyHedgehog

Is water wet?

My roommate and I have a recurring argument over whether or not water is wet l, and whether or not a person is considered wet underwater.

For the record, it is no to both questions.

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Mission Trip

A kid a church telling me about the mission trip I went on. Not only was I not on that trip, but I had never been on any mission trip. We were good friends, so it's not like he would've mistaken someone else for me.

He insisted I was there as if an entire week long trip would just fall out of my memory. He even had stories of things we'd done together. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying, joking, stupid, or crazy, but I was pretty sure he was some combination thereof.

SirRogers

Dragon Tales

One time I got into a shouting match with my mom and little brother in the car. The issue? The names of the two-headed dragon from the PBS kids afternoon show Dragon Tales. I swore it was Zack and Macie.

It was actually Zak and Wheezie. I don't even remember why we were yelling about it.

MistalQueensglaive

Green Or Yellow?

When I was about 15 or so my mother and I spent about 20-30 minutes arguing about the color of a shirt. We agreed it was blue/green, but to me it was just a shade more blue, while to her it was just a bit more green.

Turns out, your eyeballs yellow as you age and hers were 24 years yellower than mine, so I think that skewed her color vision.

BugsRatty

Stars In Their Multitude

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I once got in an argument over whether or not a line from the song "Stars" in Les Mis says "...but mine is the way of the lord" or "mine is the way of the law".

I didn't even really care what he thought but he was so adamant and cocky that it got me heated. By the end of it we were shouting at each other and I had to apologize, which I think is what he wanted the whole time.

theedjman

Colorblind

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"Hey could you hand me that red _____?" "that's orange" "no, it's red" "orange" "YOU CANT EVEN KNOW".

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

droneb2hive

Hot Water

About five years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) once had a very intense argument about whether or not hot water cleaned things better than cold water.

She genuinely believed that water temperature didn't matter. This is someone who has not one, but two masters degrees.

We argued for something like 2 hours, and we seriously almost broke up over the whole thing.

moniker5000

Biology Class

I had an argument with a girl IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIOLOGY CLASS in high school about how humans are not mammals. She thought a human was a human and we are not mammals because "mammals are animals and humans are not animals"

I tried explaining to her the difference between reptiles and mammals and how humans fall under the mammal category to try and educate her... but she just wouldn't listen.

I still have no idea why the BIOLOGY teacher did not get involved...

10d4plus8

Solid Or Liquid?

Some classmates and I got into a heated debate as to whether or not the human body could count as a soup, salad, or sandwich. The teacher got mad at us, but hey! All we were doing was watching a movie.

For the record, my logic lays with soup- Liquid contained within a solid, at a hot temperature.

ScreamingPotoo