'Fannypacks and Jorts'—People Imagine What'd They'd Ban If They Were The Fashion Police
I wrote an article recently about a little boy who called the police because he got snow pants for Christmas, and it started a conversation full of jokes about fashion emergencies and the fashion police. As many of you know, I'm short. Very short. Like not even five feet tall kind of short. So when people started asking about the kinds of things I would consider fashion emergencies, my mind went immediately to my lifelong nemesis. The maxi skirt. I'm just out here tryna look Boho-Chic like the rest of you, but instead I look like what would happen if a potato dressed up as Moana for Halloween.
Not only is it not a good look, it's a safety hazard! Do you have any idea how many times I've nearly killed myself and/or those around me trying to rock a maxi skirt? I went to high school in the late 90's when maxi skirts and enormous chunky heels were the trend. I nearly died. Daily. So imagine my inner sense of vindication when this Reddit question crossed my desk :
No, not everyone has a thing against maxi skirts. But it seems like everyone has a thing against something - and that made me feel a little better. So whether you hate maxis, or you're mad about capris (because really, that's full length on quite a few people) or your internal cringe-meter is spiking off the charts now that all things 90's have come back around and everyone is rocking overalls and low rise jeans again - it will be comforting to know that other people hate "fashion" just as much as you do. And that's kind of beautiful.
Here are some of the best worst responses, edited for language when needed. Some people are really passionate about this. lol.
My Baby Is Not A Predator
I have a 6 month old and the obscene shirts I see for infants... (had to look some up because I couldn't think of the exact quotes but) things like:
"Your wife keeps checking me out!"
"Pick me up darlin' I dig older chicks"
"Mr. steal your girl"
etc. really just make me come unglued. I HATE that crap. I told all my relatives if if they got me stuff like that it would go straight in the bin so they shouldn't waste their money.
Also I saw a shirt once that said "lock up your daughters"... so my baby is a predator in this scenario? Who is writing these things??
Do Not Google
Man-kinis. Google it.
More Than Words, Less Than FashionableGiphy
I watched the Freddie Mercury tribute concert the other day and spotted the singer from Extreme wearing a combo of parachute pants and socks-with-sandals. I'm aware this was a quarter century ago, but still, that's horrifying by even early 90s standards.
In summary, I would like to ban the singer from Extreme.
Surely You Jest
Pointy Italian shoes for men, paired with skinny jeans.
I know it's trendy but you look like a jester.
Those pants that are just past 3/4 but don't reach the the ankle. If you are wearing pants I shouldn't be able to see your Achilles.
I don't ban anything because i'm not a fascist.
However those boots certain women wear that look like you sawed the legs of a yeti and hollowed them out will be strongly discouraged.
So many people answered "jorts" that we can't actually list them all. So just trust us on this one. No jorts. It's the one thing all citizens of internet can agree on.
But Dancing Dogs Are Awesome...
Wearing pajamas pants in public. Not only does wearing pajamas communicate to the people around you that you don't care how you present, but it also implies that you as a human are innately lazier than average because you can't do the simple task of replacing your sleep pants with day pants. Besides, there are plenty of comfy sweatpants that are public-worthy that don't have sh*tty fleece patterned with plaid interrupted by dancing dogs on them.
Fanny packs are awful, but functional. Too much for pockets but not enough for a real bag? Fanny pack. I'm thinking about starting to rock a fanny pack because I'm almost 32 and am passed the point of giving a f*ck if I look like a tool.
POCKET EQUALITY NOW
I would ban fake pockets and useless pockets on womens clothes.
My 13 year old daughter wanted to go to the park to play with her toboggan in the snow. I told her to take her phone, assuming that she'd have at least 1 pocket to put it in. Not a damned one, not in her coat, her jeans, nowhere. It's ridiculous. There's no way she was going to take a bag with her either. Why can't girls and women have pockets??
I'm banning pants without useful pockets. My girlfriend has a pair of pants that have a pocket pattern sewn in purely for decoration. Like, they went to the effort to make it look like it has pockets but didn't include a f*cking cloth flap inside to hold your damn phone or keys. What's the point of that ?
Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.