Gay And Lesbian People Reveal What It Was Like To Date An Opposite Sex Partner And How It Worked Out.

At some point, everyone has questioned the relationship they're in. Are we compatible? Do we have the same values? Do I want to spend my life with this person? But some people have more questions than others.

Here are personal accounts of people attracted to the same sex who were in opposite sex relationships.

Many thanks to the Reddit user who posed this question and to those who responded. You can check out more answers from the source at the end of this article!

1/15. I was young and this girl I knew in college was kind of in love with me even though we were mainly friends. She followed me across the country twice over 6 years, we eventually would have sex which I liked but I hoped that when I finished grad school I might come out.

Then after grad school she started visiting me again in a new city 1000 miles away. It was a bad time for me, I had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and then had mono for 8 months, and she somewhat took care of me during this time. She was also a master emotional manipulator, and also a fun nice person, and we grew closer and I started confusing these feelings for what love must be like.

She wanted a lot of kids and slowly, slowly, I accepted the idea that this was "normal" and the other path was not, and that I needed to man up and accept it, especially if I liked the sex. But it felt wrong to me and as we inched closer to the wedding I realized this could not happen. I hated the male/female dynamic (at least ours) and so much of how females act and react makes me insane and I find nothing cute about it. I loved her but was not in love at all. I told her and we pulled the plug. In fact, she confessed to me she was a lesbian. (This turned out to be maybe or maybe not true, she dated a woman for a few months and then men on and off but has never married or had a serious relationship 20 years later).

People wonder why gay men do this and stay in the closet. It's because we were told forever that gay people are bad, they are disgusting, wrong, immoral. We think, "I'm not bad, wrong, disgusting, or immoral" and therefore conclude "I must not be gay." I knew on some level since I was 4 and even though I dreamt of men, was attracted to men, connected with men, and wanted to have sex with and marry a man, the cognitive dissonance had been ingrained in me. So I never acted on it and denied it to myself for 30 years and almost ruined 2 lives over it. I'm so glad millennials don't put up with that stuff.


2/15. Puzzling. I'm a lesbian who was with a much older man for about 10 years, starting in my teens.

Our sexual relationship started before I was really old enough to be sexually attracted to anyone, and since I was taught that women weren't supposed to really enjoy sex, I figured how I felt about him and sex was normal. Then when I did start feeling sexual attraction and pleasure, I assumed I was bi.

Then I left him, and quickly realized that as a adult I had 0 desire to be romantically involved with men. Yay lesbianism!


3/15. I'm a lesbian.

Dated a guy for about a year. Turns out we were both the other's beard, I came out as lesbian a few years later (at 16) and he came out during college.


4/15. I'm a gay man, but due to certain health issues stemming from childhood illness I'm functionally asexual. For us it's like best friends living together. Married 23 years now and it's wonderful. My situation is weird and I wouldn't say it's for everyone, but we make a good team and she is still helping me recover from a bad childhood.


5/15. I'm on the other side of this - I'm the woman that was with a gay man for years. It was a high school relationship - He was my first boyfriend, and we were together 3 1/2 years before everything fell apart and we split. The other huge factor in this story is that his father is a Southern Baptist pastor.

The first year or two of our relationship were completely normal high school relationship crap...first kiss, first date, spending time watching movies and making out on the couch in the basement, eventually both of us breaking our 'wait til marriage!' vows of virginity.

We used to get teased a lot because he had longer hair, and acted more feminine than other people. He used to joke back then about being gay, and carrying my purse around and trying to be over the top with it.


Around year 3 of the two of us dating, he passed me a note in science class saying he thought we needed to have a serious conversation. That evening, the two of us hung out and he told me that he felt like he was attracted to men. I was completely in denial about it. He and I spent a lot of nights talking about it - him wanting to have sex to see if it was just in his head. I knew deep down though that it wasn't going to work. Things got really weird and we didn't talk a whole lot for a couple of weeks after. I didn't know how to feel, and was completely heartbroken and torn up.

I remember him asking me if I would stay with him, because he was still in love with me, but just knew that he was attracted to men. With his dad being a pastor, he didn't want to have to explain why we had broken up to them. Especially when his family would frequently have conversations about how being gay is a sin and that God casts those who sin straight to hell. We eventually split, because he and I both knew that it wouldn't be fair to me.

Unfortunately, after we split, he avoided me because he was afraid I would tell people. It's been over 10 years, and we don't talk any more at all. I will occasionally think about him still.


6/15. I was engaged to a guy for a long time. I thought I loved him, he love me. I was pregnant at one point - it was definitely going to be forever.

But then I had my eyes opened to something different and I realised that I wasn't in love - I was just going through the motions of what was expected of me. I've now been married to a woman for nearly 5 years and gay/out of the closet for 15. Don't regret being with a man/men - but it's just not for me.


7/15. Gay guy here, was in pretty deep denial, 3 year long relationship with a girl I'd known for about 2 years previously (is this considered long term?). We were planning on having kids.

We were in love. I adored spending time with her, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen and we got along great together. But the sex was just.. dull. It didn't matter what we did, how we tried to spice it up, I just found it lacking. I knew this was only on my end too. She loved sex and clearly got more out of it than I did.

I started to avoid it, subconciously, until one day she pointed it out to me distressed that she was doing something wrong. I hadn't realised I was avoiding it so I made more of an effort after then. But I distinctly remember one time after, when we were lying in bed, and I sat up and looked at her lying there naked and she smiled at me. I realised that I loved this moment more than I loved the sex. In fact I loved everything about our relationship except the sex. And that terrified me.


After that I started consciously avoiding it while passing it off like I didn't realise I was doing it. Given how we were going to have kids this was probably one of the contributing factors to the eventual breakdown of our relationship I suppose. We ended it on semi-messy terms and lost contact with each other for a few years.

I got back in contact with her after I came out, thought she deserved to know, and she told me she never once suspected I was gay even though we spent almost every day with each other. We have no hard feelings towards each other and we're both glad we dodged a bullet by not having a child together.


8/15. I've been married for 5 years, and have an 18-month old now. Whether it is her PTSD from a traumatic birth, or me fantasizing more and more about sex with men, or a combination of the two, we haven't been very intimate in, well, 18 months. So we're in a strange limbo. I've come out to myself and her that, at the very least, I'm bisexual and we're taking steps to deal with her PTSD.

It remains to be seen if we'll find the intimacy ever again, but in the meantime we're best friends and good roommates, and we have a commitment to a pretty awesome kid that we're going to be a stable family. The biggest thing is we're communicating with each other about what is going on, so things aren't deteriorating to a point where we are hostile or resentful to each other.

So my sexual exploration gets put on hold for as long as it needs to in favor of raising a child. In the meantime, we're asexual. Definitely not the way I would have envisioned my marriage turning out, but here we are.


9/15. Lesbian here. Now married to a beautiful woman who is my soul mate and other half.

Before I came out (24) I seriously dated only men and I was in a three and a half year long relationship with a man that I was making long term plans with. The sex was rare because I was avoidant and didn't understand why. I was very much in denial, even though at the time I was out as bi.

He was super insecure because I would never have sex with him and it caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I started playing the mass effect series when I had jaw surgery. For those who don't know, you can have relationships with other characters in the game, one of which is a lesbian relationship.

I chose to play the game that way because, why not? Realized halfway through the game I was gay and had to break up with the bf. He handled it not well... But as well as he could when the woman you want to marry is telling you she can't be with you because she's gay. So, that's my big, nerdy coming out story...


10/15. 5 years of dating from 16 to 21.

It was ideal; she was beautiful; well matched across the board; loved her with all a young heart can.

Accepted my true self somewhere in the middle of it all. In the end, was a coward and summarily dismissed her.

Many years later, reached out with an apology.. She said I wasn't on the hook, but in my mind, a very tiny part of me always will be.


11/15. I used to be a guy and had several long term relationships with women that were seen as heterosexual (I mean, they were, despite what I felt underneath), but I transitioned to a woman and have been dating another woman for two years now.

There's a pretty big difference in how I have to act in public and how we are treated in public, and also the dynamic of the relationship is slightly different, in a good way. There's no longer an expectation for me to be the one who initiates or decides everything, or for me to be the dominant one in the bedroom (which reeeeeeeally sucked because I'm pretty submissive).

I've actually noticed a lot more homophobia within our families than from strangers, honestly. Things I used to be able to get away with before, like light PDA (a kiss on the cheek, hand holding, a hand rubbing her back), gets a "you two need to contain yourselves in public, and stop making out in front of people" from her mother...meanwhile my girlfriend's sister and her husband do the same things and no one bats an eye.

Her mom is very accepting of the LGBT community and always told her that it was okay if she liked women, even from a very young age...but I think a lot of people have latent homophobic thoughts that are hard to acknowledge and change, I guess.


12/15. Married for 6 years to a wonderful wife I love and am attracted to. I would now consider myself bisexual and really feel that I missed out on experimenting and exploring my sexuality.

My parents were very religious and I was raised believing homosexuality to be like THE sin. Thoughts of doing anything with another man were just the devil tempting me so like a good christian I never acted on those thoughts for fear of being kicked out of my parents house and shunned by everyone I considered important to me at the time. Flash forward to right when I stop being Christian (Age 27) I meet my wife and fall in love. I hadn't yet come to terms with my bisexuality. We get married and I slowly come to terms with who I am. She knows that I am bisexual because I am honest and share everything with her. She knows that I feel like I have missed out on being myself by never being with a man and she knows I would never, ever be unfaithful to her. If we ever stop loving each other or if my desires became too strong we would seek a divorce and probably remain friends through it. We have small children and it is very important to both of us to raise them together as a team even if we're not married.

It is nice that I can talk about my attractions openly with her. My life would have been very different were I not indoctrinated so heavily by my parents. Hell I probably would have never been married at all and just been in relationships. I suffer from depression and when I am having a fit of depression my thoughts turn to being "trapped" or not truly living my life. That is really the only time I have regrets and I'm sure my depression is causing a lot of that. All in all though I am happy...I think.


13/15. I loved her, romantically anyway. The feelings were very deep and passionate, and felt very real, even at 16-17. We experienced a lot of firsts together and that made everything we did quite special.

I was still in denial for about 12-13 of the 15(?) months we were together. (I honestly can't remember when we broke up. We mutually decided to break up, got back together at one point, and ended it again.) I'd known that I was gay since childhood, but until I was 17 (really more like 19) I felt like I was expected to be straight, so I rationalized the signs and pretended to be what I was told I needed to be.

It felt like a normal relationship. Only thing was that sex was difficult. I wasn't able to maintain an erection. I blamed it on performance anxiety. It very well could have been, but I don't think it was that at the time. Now, I can't maintain an erection any time I'm prompted to top a guy. Turns out pressuring yourself to be interested in something you're not interested in can leave lasting damages on your psyche.

I messed with her, too. I didn't really understand how to be a good partner at the time anyway, but I truly didn't understand myself emotionally and sexually due to my age and the fact that I had been lying to myself all the years my straight brethren were exploring themselves. I didn't handle the breakup well. As a result, I deepened existing trust and body image issues she had been struggling with.


14/15. I dated a woman who was very torn on her desires. She wanted to be a good Christian but she had been severely abused by men in her life.

We dated a while because I was sweet and slightly effeminate. She ended up leaving me for a woman that stole her dog.

We're still friends. She's still very single and confused as far as I know. Now I'm starting up a relationship with a man which is totally foreign to me.


15/15. My bf of 2 years was married to his college sweetheart after graduating. Everything was normal. They moved to the DC area after a job opportunity. He became more and more aware of his own curiosity and sexuality after being exposed to such a gay-friendly city (DC's super gay, y'all). After 4 years, they tried marriage counselling but eventually divorced.

They are THE BEST of friends. Always together and chatting about their boyfriends (usually how I'm a slob and am always playing video games). Both of their Kansas families are totally cool with everything and really like how the potentially-devastating situation turned out.

The most interesting part is how much his personality developed after coming out and being open about his life. When he was married to his wife, she always said how introverted and quiet he was - no longer the case.



"It wasn't me!"

There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.

Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked:

Redditors who were once considered suspect of a crime they did not commit, what's it like being held under suspicion and how did it affect your life?

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