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Girl Discovers Her Boyfriend's Secret Twitter Account Devoted Messaging To Porn Stars, And Seeks Advice For How To Broach The Topic

How would you feel if your significant other was messaging porn stars on Twitter? Would you take it personally, or just accept it as part of their fantasy?

SilentUse5 asked Reddit if she's overreacting to her boyfriend's secret tweets.

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.

I was tidying up our bedroom and I found his iPad on the floor which had a lot of twitter notifications. I didn't know he used twitter so I was curious and read some of the notifications and they were all porn/sex related. So I got even more curious and looked up his account and I found he used it entirely to tweet porn stars. There's literally 100's of tweets where he is tweeting porn stars about how he sexy he finds them and retweeting their pictures and stuff.

I'm not stupid. I know he watches porn and that's fine but it really upset me to find out he's this invested in porn. I thought we had a good sex life, well he never complains anyway. I would say he is the one more often turning down sex. I honestly don't even know why he would tweet porn stars like that? What does he get out of it? I do feel a bit hurt that he's tweeting other girls how sexy he finds them. I know its all fantasy or whatever but it still hurts, am I not sexy enough for him?

Am I being irrationally upset by this? Maybe its normal? I feel like kinda grossed out by it but maybe I'm being naïve to how a mans mind works? I don't know if I should say anything to him but then I also feel bad that I did sort of invade his privacy.

tldr: found out my bf has a secret twitter account to tweet porn stars. am i being irrational by being upset by this?


Feelings aside, what's the solution?

Soooo many people come here to post asking if they are 'justified' to feel a certain way. As if there were some official committee somewhere that made decisions about which emotions were valid and which weren't. But emotions aren't valid or invalid - they just are. The question is never "should I feel this way?" It's "what should I do about how I feel?". It's an important distinction.

So your boyfriend has a secret account he doesn't want you to know about, and he uses it to engage in sexual conversations and digital catcalls of other women. You feel disgusted, disappointed, and hurt. Other women might feel angry, destructive, or confrontational. Still other women might feel unconcerned, intrigued, or excited. But that doesn't matter, all that matters is how you feel.

So what are you going to do about how you feel? Do you think asking him questions about what you found and why he does this would bring you more clarity? Do you think your dignity has been so wounded that breaking up is the only viable path? Do you think you're just surprised but if you sleep on it you might not care as much in the morning? I don't know. No one here knows. Only you know, but you've got to be honest with yourself and ask the right questions.

DerBrumble

Talk about it with him, but be prepared to walk away.

Hey, your feelings are completely normal. Never let men downplay your feelings by telling you that 'this is how men are' or that 'this is just how our brains work'- that's shitty men avoiding accountability.

I think you should talk to him. Take some time to get your thoughts together and then have a calm discussion. Maybe he gets defensive, but maybe you guys are able to have a good discussion about both of your feelings and resolve this. It's also fine if this is a deal-breaker for you too, you shouldn't have to put up with things that you're not comfortable with, especially if they're sexual in nature.

nugsandstrugs

Enforce your boundaries.

First of all, feelings aren't rational or irrational, they just are what they are. You're upset by this and you should tell him so. In my relationship, I would consider that cheating. Tell him this crosses a boundary for you and see what he says.

ConsistentCheesecake

It's not unreasonable to be hurt by learning a secret.

Its never irrational to be upset by learning your partner keeps secrets from you. I don't give a sh*t what anyone says, your partner is your best friend and you should trust each other not to keep secrets.

ThorOlsson

Not all men are like this.

My husband is a man and that is not how his mind works so you can scratch that excuse off your list.

Itsathrowawayffs

This person has been there, and also finds the behavior to be strange.

Some really great responses here!

You're not being irrational at all. I feel pretty similar to you in the sense that watching porn is fine, but this crosses a line for me, too.

My SO watches porn- fine! Sometimes we even watch together- yay! But my ex used to write DMs to models and actresses and that still creeps me out to this day. Like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. "You're so beautiful," blah blah blah. They need to feel like they are connecting with them, idk.

draggingmyfeet

The situation is just... a little weird.

That's simultaneously hilarious and pathetic. Pathlarious.

MisterSnah

What would happen if one of the porn stars responded?

Do you really think that if one of those stars answered him with genuine interest that he'd keep it at 'just a fantasy'? No, he'd be sexting them nudes back and forth at the very least.

Porn is just a fantasy when people use it as a fun supplement to their sex lives. When your SO isn't around and you just need something quick. It isn't meant to be used more than sex if you're living with your SO. It isn't meant to be a replacement for intimacy. And it certainly isn't meant to be interactive.

The moment it crosses a line into attempted interaction is the moment it becomes cheating, to me. Cam girls, nude trading, commenting on Reddit gonewild or other similar sites, sending messages to the stars, etc is a dumpable offense to me. That's just unfaithful and disrespectful to your partner.

You have to decide if this is a dumpable offense or something you can accept. If it's somewhere in the middle, have a talk with him right away - but from past experience, I can tell you he'll probably just get better at hiding it.

ussass

Consider if he's taking his fantasy too far.

The problem with him communicating with them directly is that he's more or less taking his fantasy too far into the real world. Like, this is really pushing the definition of fantasy.

How does he know they won't reply? He's gambling that they won't so that he can still call in a fantasy...but in my mind, he's taking it too far. Even if its unlikely, he's not maintaining any degree or control or accountability.

Kholzie

But, don't jump to too many conclusions without talking to him first.

I think you're jumping to a lot of conclusions that are simultaneously irrational and entirely irrelevant.

good sex life.
not sexy enough for him
he's this invested in porn


None of that has anything to do with the actual problem.

The problem is that you feel bad/hurt/undervalued. Probably, this is a hobby, and has absolutely no bearing on his opinions of you whatsoever. But if it bothers you, then this is within your purview to bring up and talk about. It's okay for him to do it, and it says nothing about his feelings for you, but it's also entirely okay for you to say that it's a deal breaker and something that you don't like how it feels.

If it was 'normal' for a man to hit you, that doesn't erase your preference for not being hit. You're just as entitled to asking him not to do something (anything that bothers you), as he is entitled to doing something he enjoys. It's just a matter of conversation. It may be something that is very important to him and he's not willing to change, or it may be something entirely trivial that he drops without another thought, but you won't find out unless you think about how you feel about it, then talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel, and what actions you would like taken to help with the negative feelings you have about it (does he need to stop entirely? Does he need to prune his language to not compliment them but he can still browse/follow/retweet? does he need to only do it with you with him so you can try to participate? what will work for you?) If he can adjust to within what you're okay with, great. If not, then either no compromise can be met (incompatible, time to break up), or he doesn't value your relationship enough to try to compromise (unhealthy, time to break up).

Wjyosn

When in doubt.... be a Karen! LOL

We've all seen them and at times we may have been one A KAREN! You know who that is.... a difficult person, that's describing it politely. Karen's make scenes and do all that is necessary to get anything and everything their way. Working in any form of a service job, Karens are your worst nightmare.

Redditor u/externalodyssey wanted to hear from everybody about their Karen encounters by asking.... Managers of Reddit - what is a Karen experience like ? What was you worst experience ?

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