Guy's Fiancé Regularly Makes Them Late To Events, Seeks Advice On How To Change Things
Light a fire under her!
Redditor dangerz0n3_ has a relationship issue we ALL have experience with... the 'tardy' significant other! Time is money, don't waste it. He reached out to Reddit to express concern and for some advice... Me [33 M] with my fiancè [34 F], always make me wait & late.
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting here, but every single time I make plans with my fiancè to do anything she will make me wait on (insert a number of different reasons here) or even make us late. This happens regularly.
Example 1: we have reservations or an appointment for something. Even if I tell her days in advance and remind her constantly, when the time comes to leave so we can get there at a reasonable time it always ends up that we leave at the time the appointment actually starts, or like 5 minutes before it. This stresses me out. She always has some excuse.
Example 2: we are going to go somewhere. Somehow, she is never ready/prepared when the time comes to leave. A couple weeks ago we went camping and instead of leaving at a decent time so we could set up and chill when we got there, we didn't end up leaving until 9PM and it was an hour drive. So we got there at 10PM and I had to set up all the tents and everything in the dark while exhausted. All because her and her friends simply did not have their crap together beforehand and waited until the last minute.
Example 3: let's use the camping thing because stuff like this happens a lot. So I was ready by like 1PM and literally had to wait like 8 hours to leave for the trip. When we got there, I constantly had to wait around for her just to do anything. Her friends also seem the same way. Wanna go fishing? Nope, we have to have breakfast, then we have to have lunch, then we can go fishing. Go hiking? Hang on, we just need to smoke a couple joints first and sit around for an hour. Go swimming? Well we have to wait for (insert bullcrap reason here).
I don't think this is ever going to change and I'm sick of it. Would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?
Oh, people had some things to say... and to be fair, men can be JUST as bad.
No joints for you!
This sounds like my friend's husband and it's because he's constantly high. They've lost dinner reservations, to having to pay for counseling appointments they didn't attend because they were that late. It's really rude of people to be constantly late to everything, especially formal appointments or work events.
There's more leeway with causal meetings especially when others know you'll be late, but I imagine it leaves you (as a couple or just her) excluded from a lot of things too. In the future for camping, just go on a hike or swimming without her, you're not joined at the hip and you don't have to lose out on life experiences because of her lethargy.
It's NOW or PEACE OUT!
Yeah, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I hate being late, and I would be resentful of both the lateness, my extra stress, and having to manage another grownup's time for them.
You could go hardcore to see if that changes her behavior. "GF, the show starts at x, so we need to leave at y. If you aren't ready to go by then, I'll be going alone" and then don't say another word, simply leave at y time.
This is how my now sister-in-law dealt with my brother's chronic lateness. He didn't care if people were late and made him wait, but she found it rude and disrespectful. She sat him down and told him that she was tired of spending hours and hours waiting around for him, and if he wasn't there to meet her or ready to go more than 15 minutes before a leave time, or more than 15 minutes past a meeting time, she would leave. She did this for 2 weeks and he got his stuff together and wasn't late again. He COULD do it, he just didn't get why she was upset because it never upset him if anyone was late.
Uber for you!
Take your own cars and meet up at the location. Eventually she'll figure it out.
If she can be on time for school, work and whatever else she has to go to in her life, she can be on time for you. You baby her, nag her and it doesn't make a difference. Time to stop. If she doesn't, then you can decide if you're willing to tolerate this for the rest of your life or not.
She is who she is!
Dude, she doesn't care. She doesn't respect you and she doesn't care.
It would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Punctuality is a sign of respect because you're affecting other people's time. You're bending over backwards for someone that doesn't care. Is that what you want your life to be like?
Well since you proposed I guess you've decided to ignore this. Being late all the time and not doing anything in a timely manner is the 'price of admission' for being with her. So, you either decide you can't live like this (personally the stress of this would kill me) or you understand this will be your life for the next 40 years. But don't marry her thinking she'll change. Your eyes are wide open.
There was a thread a few months ago about a husband who couldn't take it anymore, drove himself to the airport for their island vacation, and his wife of course missed the flight. Then she got mad that he went on the vacation without her.
You have no power here!
That would drive me insane. My boyfriend is the type of guy who runs a little late and leaves everything to a last minute fluster and it annoys me so much because I tend to prefer to arrive a little early for things, but he ends up being 10/15 minutes late, not 8 hours.
How I treat the situation with my boyfriend is that if he's going somewhere on his own, I try not to comment. It stresses me out when I watch him run around the house finding stuff 10 minutes after I think he should have left to catch a train, but that's his business. When we are going somewhere together, I leave when I think we need to. He can join me or he can leave on his schedule but I'm not waiting around for him.
Maybe it's you. And THAT is a bigger problem!
Is she on time for work? Because if she is, you have a big problem on your hands. That means that she IS capable of being punctual when it's for something important to her. If this is the case, she's never on time for anything regarding you because you are not important to her. That alone should tell you what you have to do. It's like these people who claim to have "anger management problems" but can magically control their anger with everyone except their significant other.
And yes, perpetual lateness would be an absolute deal breaker for me. If you don't respect my time, you don't respect me.
Very irresponsible. You might wanna rethink the whole marriage thing lol.
Stand strong! No crap!
I think it's disrespectful to make anyone late-- the examples you gave are social-- is this a problem with work/air travel/ things she is into?
Agree on reminding her once, hey y is at x, we need to leave by z. And tell her how it makes you feel. Whether it's ADD, aloofness, immaturity, or selfishness, call her on it.
2 pm or bust! That is all!
My BF had this problem. I started leaving his ass behind. Set firm leave times. "If you aren't here by 2 I'm leaving without you" and then DO IT. Don't be a jerk about it, but don't listen to the excuses either. Just say something like "I feel bad you couldn't make it. Maybe next time." She's doing it because you put up with it.
Sounds like a dealbreaker. How did you get to fiancé stage without ever dealing with this?
The only suggestion I haven't seen yet is agreeing to a time to depart. Some people (myself included) are bad at being on time, but what's helped me immensely is discussing that we have to leave at X time. If your fiancee can't be on time for the agreed upon departure time, then... refer back to the other input people have given. Good luck.
10 minutes only!
I am a late person, but it tends to be 10 minutes, never hours! It works if someone tells me to be somewhere before I actually need to be, without telling me, then I'll end up getting there early/on time. You could also tell her to set her watch fast. However those examples only work with minor lateness, you have a whole other problem - the examples you have were really rude...
My partner used to have this issue with me.. not to this extent sorry.... but we came up with a system that seems to work as he is really time conscious! We both negotiate a time to be ready by even if it was partially negotiated by me to be a bit later or more lax and I need to be ready by this time.. seems to work and meet both our needs... i would say it is a dealbreaker though.
My partners the same, except for the joint smoking, it's like she lives in her own bubble and is oblivious to the fact she's delaying others (namely myself) by deciding to curl her hair 5 minutes before we need to leave. This happens constantly and is probably the thing that 95% of our fights are about, with me getting more irate the closer it get's to the time we need to leave and then fuming by the time we leave 30 minutes late...it's ruined dates, it's ruined dinners, it's made me not want to be around her. We argue about how she doesn't respect my time, how she doesn't think of other people and is selfish in this regard. I give tips on how to be effective, I talk about real time costs vs stated time costs (you go to the gym for an hour, its only 1 hour right, but you're not including the time it takes to prep your gear, travel too, shower after, travel from and so 1 hour turns into 2 hours), I talk about how it makes me feel...it's lost on her.
But it's also the only thing about her that bothers me, and doesn't outweigh the 99% of things I like about her. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or if her other qualities that you do like outweigh this one.
It's a gift...
Some people just aren't good at being on time. I've dealt with it by just telling these types of people the event is earlier than it is. Have you explicitly explained to your fiancè how exactly this affects you and why? If she knows it comes across to you as her being disrespectful and uncaring of your times or efforts into doing something nice for you, that might help her internalize this better.
Any other issues?
Tell her what you told us. That this is seriously grinding your gears and you need her to shape up in this department. It sounds like you are a doer and she is a "live into the day" kind of person, and I totally get your annoyance. If she does not take your input seriously and there is no change you will have to ask yourself if this is a big enough incompatibility for you.
Is she in other ways unreliable?
It's part of the package...
She won't change. My wife will be chronically late for things. It's pathological. Last year we missed TWO domestic flights in a row because of absolutely needless delays in getting her out the door. She will decide to put a load of washing on when we are leaving for a long weekend. Honestly you need to decide whether (a) she is worth putting up with it and (b) whether your coping skills are up to it. I have just reached the point where I figure we'll get there when we get there, and if we miss a flight then we'll catch a later one. She happens to be worth it.
In the End...
Don't wait for her. Ever.
Do you wanna live the rest of your life annoyed and stressed about stupid things? If not don't marry her
This would 100% be a deal breaker for me. I literally couldn't deal with this
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, or so the saying goes.
The same can be said for your interactions with cops, most of whom are perfectly happy to let minor infractions slide––When was the last time you were actually ticketed for jaywalking?––provided you're not a total Karen should you interact them.
Your local police officer likely doesn't care about jaywalking or the fact that you went five miles over the speed limit unless you give him a reason to, as we learned when Redditor Takdel asked police officers: "What stupid law have you enforced just because someone was an a-hole?"