Husband No Longer Wears Wedding Band After Honeymoon Phase, And Wife Seeks Advice On How To Broach The Topic
You're my property! Show them!
Redditor u/xcxc6879 has found herself in a marital issue that she needs some help with. She posted... My husband (26m) never wears his wedding ring anymore and it makes me (25f) sad.
My husband and I got married a bit more than a year ago after dating for 10 years. He's truly the love of my life and I'm so thankful that I was able to find the one so soon. On top of that, we're also best friends and everything about our relationship is just so perfect and understanding. We complement each other so well.
However, since about four to five months after our wedding, he started wearing his band less and less. At first it was just on the weekends when he would forget to put it on (he always takes it off to sleep) and then it got to the point where he stopped wearing it all together. I've talked to him about this and asked him why and he told me that it was "uncomfortable" for him and he always fidgets with it. He's also apparently afraid to lose it because he constantly fidgets with it and it's "a bit loose" on him. I do notice that he sometimes likes to play with the ring like twist it and slide it on and off. However, we did get the ring fitted to his finger and I don't think he's lost any weight at all since the wedding so I doubt it's that loose.
He never wears the ring to work either. The only times he'll put it on is if we're going out to an event or visiting family. It's looking to me like he feels like it's an obligation to wear the ring and not something he enjoys or wants to do, if that makes any sense. The only redeeming factor in all of this is that he still wears this necklace made out of amethyst that I made him when I went through a jewlery-making phase when I was 18. He wears it every single day and doesn't even take it off to shower. That makes me all melty and happy inside and I guess sometimes it overshadows him never wearing his ring.
My husband works as a software engineer and I know most, if not all of his co-workers know that we're married so I doubt he's trying to hide the fact that we're married to anyone at work. I am also very sure this is not a fidelity issue. He is one of the most trustworthy and honest people I know and I've basically grown up with him and know him better than anyone.
Everything else is wonderful. We're renting a great place in a great city (but we're looking to buy soon), I'm starting my final year of med school, and he's just received a promotion a couple weeks ago. It's just this one thing that makes me upset and sad.
I'm not really sure how to approach this topic anymore. I've talked to him about this multiple times and it's always just been "it's uncomfortable", "it doesn't fit well", "I'm afraid to lose it/I always fidget with it". Could there be an underlying cause that I'm completely missing? I would really appreciate an outsider's look in on this. Thanks.
Forgot to add that I wear my wedding band and engagement ring every single day and I'm always happy and proud to see it on my finger.That is quite the situation. Now some of us may find no issue with that and others are definitely in the "Hell to the NO camp!" Everyone is entitled to their opinions and people certainly had a few things to say. Turns out this isn't as one sided of an issue as you might automatically think.
How's the fit?
Maybe the ring is truly just uncomfortable for him/loose fitting and he's worried he might lose it. I'd tell him how much it means to you and perhaps suggest buying an alternative silicon ring that is less expensive and more comfortable.
Great advice, thank you! I don't think I've really stressed how important and meaningful to me wearing a ring is to him yet. My parents never loved each other and were miserable, but stayed together for my sake. They never wore their rings except for big events/to see family so I guess it's a bit of a sore spot for me when I see that my husband isn't wearing his.
What if he put the ring on the necklace?
Make it art!
My dad hated wearing his ring so he got one tattooed on his ring finger. Its a subtle little decorative design around his finger, but he has to get it touched up every couple years.
I did this too. My now-wife and I dated for several years before getting married last year. I've never been into hand jewelry and I'm bad about losing little things like that so we decided that I would try wearing a cheap silicon ring. It didn't go great. I lost two of them in the first few months and always found myself fidgeting with it. I got frustrated and decided to get a simple black line tattoo on my ring finger. It's been a great compromise. I get to have a symbol that signifies my dedication to the relationship and I don't have to remember to put it on every day when I wake up.
To give you a different anecdotal perspective, my parents have been happily married for more than 30 years, and my dad has never regularly worn his ring. He's a fidgeter and has lost three of them, and just can't wear jewelry.
My mom only takes her set off when doing dishes and art projects. I asked her about it once and she said she felt insecure about it at first and talked to him about it, and he tried really hard with several rings and just couldn't do it. Eventually she realized it wasn't about the symbolism for him.
But I've noticed they do hold hands in public a lot and other sorts of very mild PDA like touching her arm and feeding her from his fork to taste his food, so I think they've just found other ways to affirm their relationship publicly.
Don't overthink it...
Hey, I don't want this to take away from you feeling that your husband wearing his wedding is important, because that's perfectly valid, but I just wanted to share that my parents have been married 30 years, are perfectly happy, and neither of them ever wear their wedding rings. They just don't feel like it. In fact, they haven't worn them for as long as I can remember.
Know the facts...
Your husband does not wear the ring to these events to keep up appearances like your parents did. He has his own reasons. Maybe he does it because he sees it as jewelry, something fancy he wears to dress up for you. Or maybe he wears it because he thinks you want him to wear it at these events and he's trying to make you happy. Or another reason. Can you ask him? "husband, why do you not wear the ring daily but still wear it to family events?"
I think once you know his motivation behind it, his reasons will overwrite the sad memories of your parents.
You are not your parents...
Do keep this in mind. You cannot allow past history to dictate what you do now and I know that's a hard thing to do. Your husband is not your father and you are not your mother. There is love❤️ Too often that's how fights and arguments and bitterness start between couples they allow a bad past incident to dictate how they decide to act in the present and it's just not healthy. Our premarital counselor hit on this and I thought it was great advice.
Some a small issue... for some...
After reading your post and seeing you say he's a programmer, then reading this part about you thinking about your parents marriage when you see his naked ring finger... I'm thinking this is more your head making you think there's a problem with his love for you, and not an actual problem with his love for you.
I think you should really tell him how much you care about the ring, because it doesn't sound like you have yet - but please do go to therapy for yourself to deal with the actions of your parents and prevent that from becoming a problem in your own marriage.
My husband's a software engineer, too - and I honestly couldn't tell you if I've even seen his wedding ring in the last year. I don't currently know where my engagement ring is, either (which is actually upsetting me right now because it's awesome and I suck at remembering where I've put things, but I'm only worried about it because I think I've lost it and I'm trying to figure out where it is - not because he cares about me not wearing it). He also fidgets with his ring often when he does wear it, and because it's the only ring he's ever worn he's often complaining about how it fits and feels like it's going to fall off, and he gets anxious that he'll lose it and will upset me by not knowing where it is, or he'll tell me he thinks that I'll think he's cheating on me if he loses it and comes home without it on and I notice it's missing (this is actually how we had the conversation where we figured out neither of us really care about the actual rings themselves).
I guess my point is that the physical rings really don't matter at all when it comes to the marriage itself. Whether his finger is naked or has the ring on it doesn't matter to me, and never has, because he's what matters to me. I'm not trying to imply that you don't love him - I'm trying to get you to see that you do love him, and he loves you, and that's what you should be focused on.
What it sounds like is that you're basically happy and enjoying your awesome life, but getting distracted and finding fault with something where there is no problem. I'm suggesting therapy because you have seen a crappy marriage and it seems you're being triggered by this symptom of a bad marriage that you saw in your parents marriage, even though it doesn't exist in your marriage.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, I really don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you or anything. I'm just trying to point out something that looks pretty obvious based on what you've said in your post and comments, that might not seem that obvious to you when you're in the middle of it).
The material could be the thorn...
I will say, titanium and especially tungsten rings are horrible if you're in an accident. Jaws-of-life can't cut through tungsten, and titanium's sorta 50/50, so if you're in an accident and your hand swells... that finger will need to be cut off before the ring because otherwise it's a gangrene and infection risk.
Be direct and simple...
Tell him what you need in simple terms.
"I need to feel secure in our marriage. When you don't put on your wedding ring, it reminds me of my parents terrible marriage where they never wore their rings and it makes me sad. I'd really appreciate it if you could make an effort to wear it everyday."
This is an effective way to say it, but understand one thing: You are asking your husband to change his behavior to deal with your own issues and insecurities. Since he clearly loves you so much, I'm sure he will accommodate, but it is inevitable he will feel a tad resentful. If he does start wearing the ring more often, be sure to mention to him (often!) how grateful you are that he is willing to change his routine to make you happy.
Whoops. That snip was just a hair too far....
Your first bad haircut probably made you want to die a little when you looked in the mirror. Imagine how the person cutting your hair must have felt. Although, maybe they didn't care at all, as evidenced by the bs excuse they gave you when you finished in the barber chair.