Husband's Lack Of Boundaries With Ex-Wife On Trip Leaves New Relationship In Jeopardy, And His GF Seeks Advice
Divorce is tough on everyone and parents with kids often struggle to balance a healthy relationship between themselves and with their kids. But what happens when a parent's new relationship collapses because he clearly still isn't over his ex, and totally denies it?
youmustabeenhigh is concerned that her boyfriend may be out gallivanting with his ex-wife, leaving her completely confused. Should she leave the relationship?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
I met my SO 6 months ago on Tinder. We hit it off fabulously. Spent tons of time together, our children met, our families met, declared we loved each other, had great respect for each other, and all in all, felt very safe and secure in the relationship. Until 2 days ago. He has an ex wife who he has admitted still wants him.
They had 3 children together and of course need to co parent these children. One of their children plays for a competitive sports team, and that team were travelling for a championship game which my SO needed/wanted to attend. Told me the original plan was he was travelling by himself with his kids and staying at a hotel. Which I've known about for a month. No problem. Woke me up 1 hour before he was to take this trip and advised that there had been a change in plans and now he and ex wife were travelling together this long distance trip and they were staying all together in a hotel room because his ex wife had suggested it to him the day before and he felt it was a good idea.
Then just asked me if i was uncomfortable with that and left to take his daughter to school. Upon his return, his other children were there, so unwilling to discuss anything in front of them. Cue the ex wife into the house, waiting for him, and he turns to me and says with her right beside him- "We good?" .... suffice to say, we not good. At all. I sent him a text explaining how this made me feel (hurt, confused) and he said it was a sh*tty text and that I am attacking him and now he won't answer my calls or my texts.
Wtf did I do wrong? Doesn't this seem like absolutely no boundaries set
with his ex wife? Am I correct in wanting to just walk away? Any advice would be appreciated.
OP has a right to be heard.
Yeah if you feel uncomfortable with it ask the ex-wife to step out. But you (OP) have every right to be upset and to say so. The bf is being a jerk here and honestly this sounds like a set up. He knew op would have a problem with it and made it so she wouldn't have time to say anything. He needs to explain himself and fast. "We talked the night before" isn't good enough.
There's no excuse to ignore you.
To add to this... beyond the manipulation, the not answering your calls or text messages is incredibly immature and a red flag about his communication skills.
Sharing a hotel room with his ex-wife? Red flag.
Again? I don't know this dude but I am not willing to believe if they stay in the hotel together there won't be some shenanigans going on. I guess only OP can tell us if she thinks he is trustworthy. This post seems to indicate otherwise.
Putting the kids in the middle of it isn't good for anyone.
Agree with everything except that it's okay to do this in front of the kids. It's not. It never is. If your spouse is manipulating the situation so you're always around the kids, that is the first problem that needs to be addressed.
Sis. Drop him like a hot plate. He's gonna do it again if not with ex wife it'll be someone else. N ex wife woulda caught a fist to the face for showing up like its ok. The audacity.
UPDATE: it's over. OP left him.
UPDATE: Spoke with him finally a few hours ago and I ended it. Didn't end it badly just spoke up for myself. Told him that I feel he has no boundaries with his ex wife and that he is still emotionally attached to her. Also stated that his refusal to acknowledge my feelings in this situation by refusing to contact me until he has ended his weekend with her, speaks volumes of his respect for me.
He responded by stating he disagrees with me, unfortunately, and that he is just trying to keep things normal for his kids and that he and his ex wife agreed to not be "s***ty to each other" (his words) and that this would be a difficult situation for any woman he brings into his life and i just don't understand because my separation was so awful and he is just trying to not make the same mistake i made.
I laughed out loud at that one. For clarification, we do not live together. We each have our own homes and stay at each others homes depending on our schedules and when we want to be together. Our children have met each other yes but not cohabitating. And I am 43 and he is 44. My children are 20, 17 and 13. His are 13, 11, and 6. I love his kids. Spent tons of time with them. Fell in love with them right along side him.
This has thrown me for a loop but I feel correct and right in knowing that this situation would only escalate in the ex wife trying to manipulate him. And i really don't want any part of a man who is in that much of denial about how unhealthy and toxic his relationship with his ex wife is. I mean he still thinks this is my fault. And that is sad.
Thank you everyone for the great advice and stories of your own experiences dealing with this same type of a situation. It really helped to logically look at this without my emotions taking over and turning it into a Jerry Springer special. Much love everyone
Reddit was pleased with her choice.
Good job setting healthy boundaries and sticking up for yourself!
Kids need healthy boundaries between divorced parents.
I am separated from my sons father. We have a GREAT co-parenting relationship, for my son's sake. However, we have never spent the night together since we split and I would never disrespect the man I'm with now in such a way.
What his children need to feel "normal" is for their parents to have healthy boundaries now that they're no longer romantically together. Otherwise it is going to be super confusing to them. They obviously know mommy and daddy aren't together anymore so what message does it send when they still act the happy family on trips such as these? You definitely made the right call here. He has a learning curve ahead of him and you don't deserve to be shit on along the way. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
A bullet was definitely dodged.
Excellent work. You dodged a bullet. Let the ex wife deal with him.
Screw him, move on.
Wow in what universe is staying in a hotel room w your EX normal? Doing it for the kids? Wow. The kids need to not be taught these toxic relationships w no boundaries or respect. How confusing for them later on. I'm so sorry, but extremely proud of you that you've walked away and you can hold your head high. Screw him for trying to twist things around and make it sound like your issue.
We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.