'I Can Explain!': Times People Were Caught In The Most Compromising Situations.
I got to explain to my teacher why there was a "barely legal" young woman getting "serious double penetration action" on my screen instead of my language arts practice.
2/24 I was shooting a movie with some friends and one scene was a couple in bed having an argument. They filmed at my home and we were gonna do a few more takes later and the team decided to leave the equipment at my house. I go on a date with a girl and everything is well and good and she gets brought back to my place. Things get serious and we head to the bedroom where she is greeted with camera equipment aimed at the bed. She is creeped out and I explained... She wasn't that understanding.
3/24 Was reading an interview Stephen Colbert did with Playboy on their website. Someone walked past, did a double take, and asked if I was really looking at the Playboy website. Had to explain that, despite all the jokes that have ever been made throughout the history of Playboy, I actually was reading it for the articles. A phrase I never ever anticipated uttering in real life.
4/24 Ok, grade 4. Rough time. Playing on the playground with a bunch of friends, some variant of tiggy. Anyway, I'm it, and am up on the top of the playground, when I see that there is a girl down below me, unaware of my current location. I jump down to go to tag her, but she starts moving as I fall, and I end up landing on her with my knee.
Said girl bursts out in tears, and yells, "I can't believe you would kick me!" and starts to run away, presumably to tell on me. Now, I'm a sensitive kid, but I'm also afraid of authority, and I determine that I need to go and fix this. So, I run after her, calling out something along the lines of "Are you ok?" as I go. To this, she responds, "No! You kicked me!"
At this point I decide that I need to clear up some facts, so I yell out, "I kneed you!" This repeats a couple of times, her yelling and me responding with "I kneed you!" until it dawns on me what it sounds like I'm saying, because I see a group of confused-looking grade seveners looking on. Again, to clear up the details, I look at them and yell out, while making a knee-ing motion with my leg, "you know, Bang, Bang?"
Seconds later I realize what all this sounds like, and I die of shame. That was about the most embarrassment a 9 year-old could take.
5/24 I was at a friend's house helping him put up drywall in his master bedroom. Off the bedroom was a walk-in closet that he built for his wife. At one point, we ran out of drywall screws and my buddy went to the store to get more. I opted to stay behind and measure and cut the drywall sheets we had left to hang.
At one point, as I was lifting a sheet of wall board and getting ready to score it, I stumbled backwards a bit. I caught myself on a tall wicker hamper/basket that was just inside the door of the closet . As I righted myself I noticed that something was hanging from the cuff-button on my work shirt (the hand I used to catch myself).
I raised my left arm to my face to see what had snagged on to my button and noticed it was a paid of my friend's wife's panties. At that very moment I looked up and saw the next door neighbors wife, in her bedroom window (which was only a few feet form my buddies bedroom window), looking at me with a pair of my friend's wife's panties to my face.
To this day, anytime I go to my buddy's house and she is outside she gathers her kids form the yard and goes inside until I leave.
6/24 I have a friend who was once stopped while driving a white van down the motorway. The cop asked to see what was inside....
There were about 20ounces of crack, weed, heroin, crystal meth etc, six pistols, a sawn-off shotgun, a rifle, a box of ammo, a box full of knives as well as a human head, two feet and a hand.
My friend waited for the look on the cop's face before saying "it's okay! I have paperwork!" He works for a forensics lab.
7/24 Open door to my office. I'm wearing a football helmet and standing on the couch.
Explanation: The floor was lava.
8/24 I was in my early twenties. And we were spending a couple of weeks at a friend's beach house in an upscale east coast resort town. One late night, we decide it would be a great idea to crash the local community swimming pool for a skinny dip. So seven guys and gals pile into one sedan to head off for the challenge. I am the only non-drinker, so I am the naturally designated driver.
We arrive at the pool, shimmy through an opening in the fence, chuck off all of our clothes and jump in. Hilarity ensues...until. Wait! Someone has notified the cops of our presence. As we see the cop car search light scanning for us, we freak. Time to make a fast escape and pile back into the ride undetected. But not enough time to get dressed. So we are now a car full of seven people (six of them drunk) covered in nothing but towels. And we drive away, confident in our success.
However, in all the excitement, I manage to make an illegal left turn as part of our getaway. And, you guessed it, cop car lights up and pulls me over.
The officer gets out and approaches the car full of mostly naked twenty-somethings. He takes a look and says to me, with a straight face and without missing a beat, "I don't reckon you'd have a drivers license under there - would you?"
9/24 Back when I was in graduate school, this woman named Amal in one of my classes suggested we get together and study. I prefer studying on my own but, so as not to be rude, I agreed anyways. She scribbles her number down, I put it in my wallet, and then promptly forget about the whole thing.
About a year later my wife was looking for a card in my wallet while we were driving down the road and stumbles across the slip of paper. She opens it up and in a shocked voice asks, "What the hell is this?" By this time, my memory of getting her number was almost completely gone as was most of the letter M in Amal.
So when I read the piece of paper I see exactly what my wife sees: One word Anal, followed by a phone number. I immediately say I can explain, but given that I had forgotten about getting her number, the next 20 seconds involved a mixture of panic and confusion as I tried to remember how the hell I could have possibly ended up with a solicitation for anal sex in my wallet. I finally put together what had happened and we had a pretty good laugh over it. However, I often wondered how that would have turned out if I never could have remembered where it came from.
10/24 I had just put air ride on my truck and was taking it on it's maiden voyage. I forgot to tuck a brake line and had been unknowingly dragging through it. All of the sudden it decides to let loose right as I'm stopping at a stop sign. I'm half way through the intersection with no brakes when I see a cop sitting waiting to bust people for blowing through. He pulls me over and I try to explain. He clearly doesn't believe me so he asks me to press my brake pedal. Boom. Brake fluid squirted right on to his shoe. No ticket.
11/24 My son, so long as he continues college, lives with us.
Rules of privacy are fairly liberal, but old habits die hard. When I need to tell him something in the morning I knock and open the door to tell him. Sometimes to find him sleeping in bed with his boyfriend. One day I knock and open the door to tell him I am taking his car to have emissions done. I see his best friend, a girl, naked as a jaybird tangled up asleep with him. They wake and she covers up. We do not tolerate infidelity, so he starts stammering an explanation (She got drunk at a party, he took her home to sleep it off-she puked on her clothes so he showered her and put her to bed while the clothes wash). It was all innocent, they slept it off in a small bed and just got tangled in sleep.
12/24 I was out drinking with some friends one night,for brevity's sake one was a large Black man i'll call "Hingle McCringleberry", the other was a tall wanksta we'll call "Shaunders", and I am an average white dude. All of us early 20's. Classy,upscale, bar/lounge we are at.
We mingle at the bar and continue to get shot down by woman seeing as how we know absolutely no one at that bar and we are the A-Team of people women at that bar would never want to be seen with. After every failed attempt at getting a number we take a shot of Whiskey. I black out first. Hingle and Shaunders a little bit later.
As we are walking back from the bar to Hingle's car, he and I start goofing around play fighting, and rough housing as drunk young males are known for doing. We reach the vehicle and Hingle decides it would be funny to pretend he was going to throw me in the trunk of his car and I would have to sleep there. Hingle opens the trunk and with the help of Shaunders attempt to throw me in the trunk, in my struggle to not be thrown in I gash my head on the corner of the trunk. Hingle doesn't feel well due to the Alcohol and goes over to the bushes to puke as Shaunders decides this is a good time to go buy cigarettes. I'm still in the back of the trunk but it's open because these guys really aren't THAT huge of [idiots] and you know, we were drunk.
I get up out of the trunk. slide down the bumper and lean against the back of the car. With Shaunders gone buying cigs and Hingle about 100 yards away puking his guts out, a heroic citizen who from afar had seen a large Black man and a gangsta looking white boy attempt to throw an upstanding white male by force in to the trunk of their car, leaps in to action and finds me sitting on the street with blood streaming down my face and on my clothes, and calls the cops and an ambulance. Nice guy really, or I suppose he was because I was passed out.
The police and Fire show up and take the eyewitness report from the citizen who saw everything from afar, and I get whisked away to the Emergency Room while what appears to be clinging to dear life.The cops find Hingle passed out 100 or so yards away and arrest him. Not knowing what had occurred in the last twenty minutes due to the alcohol induced mind meld, Hingle wakes up to three police officers arresting him and telling him if I didn't make it to the hospital that they would be charging him with murder. Shaunders, jaunting back from buying cigarettes walks by the scene and asks what happened to an onlooker. "Attempted murder" he hears and see's Hingle getting arrested. How he made the conclusion that it was me that was murked by Hingle is unclear but Shaunders takes this opportunity to call my ex-girlfriend and give her the bad news...that I got murt. Ex girlfriend calls my parents, calls her closest girlfriends, and begins the eulogy on my Facebook page of my untimely demise.
I wake up thirty minutes later in an ER on a gurney with an attractive nurse over me telling me that I had suffered massive head trauma in an attempted murder, and that I was going to the CT Scan to check my brain. I still can't really talk at this point, I think just due to a combination of Alcohol and shock, but I know one thing for sure, I do not want a CT scan because i'm afraid of the radiation so I struggle to get up and apparently medical professionals have zero qualms with strapping down a potential murder victim.
While in CT the adrenaline from the rude awakening and the strap downing has began to clear my mind, and I realize I was never a victim of an attempted murder. I vaguely remember wrestling with Hingle in the street on our way to the car and getting out of the trunk and seeing blood everywhere. The results came in from the CT and the doctors confirmed my suspicion that I wasn't in mortal danger, and that I had a small gash on my head that would need 3 stitches and no brain trauma. Hingle, due to his drunken stupor was also transported to the ER to have his stomach pumped, was not yet incarcerated. Shaunders shows up to the hospital with parent's in tow. I am significantly more present now as my BAC has dropped to the high .1's and I tell them "It's not what it looks like." Shaunders in his statement to the police mentioned that we had been wrestling on our way home, and so enough evidence was present to let Hingle walk. Once our BAC had dropped to legal levels we were free to walk back to Hingle's car. When we arrived we took a look at the "crime scene" and sure enough on the corner of his trunk was a little bit of blood and a small chuck of skin and hair.
To this day when I see people I haven't seen for many years, also due to my lack of Facebook participation, are surprised to see that I'm not dead.
13/24 I was moving to another town and a friend helped me move. As I got into the large rental truck holding my worldly goods, he handed me a soda and wished me luck. I settled down with two cats in a cat carrier on the seat next to me. Driving along, I popped the soda only to discover that the vibration from the loud, noisy diesel engine and a rough road had shook up the soda, causing it to overflow onto my crotch.
A while later I noticed that some [idiot] (me) hadn't filled the tank of the damned truck from an earlier drive, so I pulled into a gas station and stepped out. This was in Oregon where you cannot legally pump your own gas. As I stepped out, I was greeted by the attendent who immediately stared at my wet crotch. Naturally, my two cats were terrified and pissed in their carrier, so a strong smell of urine washed out of the cab at the same time. I was dying of embarrassment, but didn't even try to explain.
14/24 The leader of the local girl scout troop belonged to the same pool as my family. One day I went to pick up my daughter from her scout meeting. With a few of the other mothers I didn't know, as well as most of the girl scouts all paying attention to me since I had just walked in, the leader exclaimed (once she figured out who I was there to pick up) "I didn't recognize you with your clothes on"...The look on the faces of the other mothers was priceless...
15/24 That'd be the time I follow too many links (using my phone) which end up linking to a gay orgy vid, I closed the browser right away, decided I had have enough internet for the day. Next morning I try to show a something on reddit to my bro, and yeah gay porn starts playing, that was an difficult conversion.
16/24 I do a lot of crafts. 11 years ago when I moved to the UK, I was unable to ship a lot of my stuff over so I left it in storage with my mother. Less than a year later, her partner was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and they decided to move back closer to family so that they could have some extra support, and so she could spend her time left with her family. Anyway, my mother phoned and told me if I wanted my stuff, I needed to come and get it asap.
When I went over, I took a large empty bag with me. I went through all of my stuff and sorted out things for a yard sale, and things I wanted to keep. One of the things that (for some reason) went into my 'keep' pile was a 5lb jar of plaster of paris.
Now, as I said, this was a jar, which meant it was hard and unyeilding. I decided it would be much easier to pack if I poured the powder into some ziplock bags. That way, the bags could fit into any nooks and crannies I had left in the bag. I cut the label off the jar and stuck it into one of the bags so that I would have the mixing directions, and didn't think any more of it - until I got to the airport.
When I got to the airport and my bag was weighed, it was overweight. The guy at the check-in asked me to go through the bag and see if I could reduce some of the weight by putting anything in my carry-on. I went through the bag, and managed to reduce it by 20lbs by removing the 5lbs of plaster and a 15lb die cutting machine, which I somehow managed to fit into my carry-on.
Next stop, security. This is where my decision to put the plaster in my carry-on suddenly turned into "I can explain!!!"
After walking through the metal detector, I noticed a member of security standing with their arms around my bag. I approached and he said "is this your bag?" I nodded yes and he asked me to follow him. This was only months after 9-11 and I'd only just encountered men with machine guns in the airport so I was feeling a bit apprehensive, as I couldn't think what I could have done wrong.
We went to another area where there were all sorts of testing machines. He asked me to take off my shoes and belt (keep in mind this was more than 10 years ago so it was not standard practice at that point). Then, he starts unpacking my carry-on. He reaches in and pulls out - a bag of white powder. Then another one. And another one... until he had 5 bags of white powder in front of him. When he'd pulled out the first one I immediately realised what it looked like and I couldn't help myself, I started laughing. Thank goodness the guy had a sense of humour because when I told him what it was, he kind of chuckled too, but stated that he still had to test it. I had nothing to hide so I was happy to let him do so.
I made my flight with no problem. I bet that guy still tells the story of the woman with the 5 bags of white powder. I know I do!
17/24 I got a hole in my favorite sweater when I was around 12. It was made of that stretchy, thin material that's impossible to mend without being obvious, so I was looking for alternatives to save it. I got this idea that nail polish would keep the hole from spreading, but I didn't have any clear, so I used a dark maroon color that matched the shirt.
The hole was on the chest of the shirt, so was eye-level for most of the boys in my 6th grade class. I figured I had to do something to make my bra less obvious through the hole, so I grabbed a bra I didn't like and painted it with the same nail polish. Perfect.
Mom found the bra first and accepted that I had spilled nail polish on it. I'm not sure why I didn't tell the truth, but I was a kid and kids are weird.
Then my mom found the sweater. All she saw was a hole with a dark, crusty ring and she assumed I had been smoking and had burned a hole in the sweater. I had never smoked in my life, never left the house without her except to go to school, and had no way to get to a store that sold cigarettes without a car.
Yet I was still grounded. For smoking. She didn't believe my story, not even paired with the painted bra.
18/24 My friend, who is a film student, tends to make about 1-3 short films every summer when he's home from college. I usually help him out. He doesn't have a printer at his house, so it's always been my job to print out one or two scripts to do a read through with him and the actors.
One of his shorts was about a closeted lesbian who was in love with her best friend. The last page of the script involved a passionate kiss and then some screaming. And, of course, when I was stapling them, one of those pages fell to the ground.
My mother, who has always suspected me of being a lesbian, found it and assumed I had written it. She absolutely wouldn't believe me when I said it belonged to my friend.
19/24 I have a hand held electric nail file. It's really... Well... Dildo shaped. I had some friends over for a sleepover one night and my friend pulls it out and gives me this look of abject horror... I don't think she believed me when I told her its just a nail file.
20/24 First, some background info. I live in Pennsylvania and you're allowed to (and usually have to) pump your own gas. In New Jersey, it's illegal to pump your own gas.
So, some friends are driving around New Jersey. Said friend is the member of a band and, with him, is the other 3 members of his band, his girlfriend, and another friend. That's 6 people. The car only has seats for 5. So, on a trip to the gas station, one bandmate figures it'd be fun to ride in the trunk.
On the way from the venue to the gas station, while in the trunk, he gets totally naked save for a pink bandana around his neck so he can surprise everyone when they get back.
The car arrives at the gas station and, realizing they have to let someone pump their gas, they pull up to a pump and an attendant comes to help them. When he asks my friend to open the door covering the gas valve thingy, with him being used to manually opening it himself (as opposed to using the automatic button inside the car), he fumbles around for the button...
And pops the trunk.
There lays a naked man, who looks a bit like a beardless Jesus, wearing nothing but a pink bandana.
The best part is my friend didn't even realize it was the wrong button. So, the attendant just stands there awkwardly as the guy in the trunk tries to shut the trunk while everyone in the car sits looking bored with straight faces.
21/24 About 8 years ago me and some friends were working in Northern Italy around this time of year and we decided to hire a car and drive into Germany for Octoberfest.
After finding a carpark in Munich we (3 guys, 2 girls) head off to enjoy the beer. A few hours pass and my girlfriend is pretty drunk and looks like she's gonna start puking soon so we all decide to take her back to the car and let her have a bit of sleep on the back seat. Trying to get her into the car was a different story though because she wanted to "sleepy ina da back, no really back the car". Naturally we throw her in the boot and she went to sleep.
The rest of us locked the car and off we went to find a bar. Many, many beers and sing songs later we were heading back to the car when two policemen stopped us in the street and asked us for our IDs. We explained that all our stuff was in our hire car around the corner. The nice policemen offered to walk with us to the car so we could show them that we were legit European citizens and we weren't trying to smuggle people into the country or anything absurd like that. Get to the car, open the boot, Italian girlfriend is still asleep on our bags. The police look at each other and I quickly explain why there is what appears to be a drugged up kidnap victim in our car. After waking her up she starts shouting at the police because she was "nice sleepy der". The policemen check all our passports and one of them wishes me luck dealing with my drunk girlfriend and gives me a wink.
22/24 When I was 12 years old, my little sister was 1. I was getting her ready for her bath one day when I had the overwhelming desire to bite her... As in "OMGyouaresocuteIjustwanttobiteyou!!!!". So I tried to bite her butt through her diaper but accidentally chomped right down on her butt cheek. She cried and there were teeth marks on her butt so I became worried that my parents would think I was some sort of weirdo/perv/sociopath. They came in to find out why she was crying and when I explained they didn't even get mad. They totally understood my need to bite her. She really was that cute.
23/24 When I was an intern (I'm a doctor) I examined an admittedly ridiculously hot girl who was having palpitations. I took out my stethoscope and listened to her heart under her hospital gown. I clumsily and very accidentally (while holding the stethoscope) brushed her nipple with my hand and her heart starts beating faster and the alarm of the heart monitor starts going off. In comes the nurse to see what's happening and there I am with my hand under her top and both of us are blushing like mad and me looking very, very guilty.
24/24 I used to have to unload stuff from my work truck into my garage. It wasn't uncommon for me to forget to shut the tailgate on the covered truck bed. In the summer it wasn't such a bad thing, but in the winter, cats would take shelter in it.
On bad nights, I would intentionally leave it open. These were cats other neighbors just let roam the neighborhood, often forgetting about them. I felt bad for them, but didn't want to bring them into my house because I didn't want fleas/disease transferred to my animals.
I got into the habit of smacking the bed with my hand before shutting the tailgate and driving to work. When I smacked the bed, the cats would usually jet out the back of the truck. I would do a quick look in and then shut the tailgate. One wintery, blistery day I woke up late. So I ran out the door, slammed the tailgate without thinking about or doing the obligatory bed-smack/look.
On the way to the job, I stopped to get gas at a station really close to my house and remembered I needed gas for my snowblower. I usually had a gas can in the bed. I stopped at the gas station, which was a typically busy in the morning gas station and started filling the truck.
I went back to the tailgate to open it to get the gas can out. I dropped the tailgate and about six, terrified cats came racing out of the bed. One actually ran up and over me, leaping from my shoulder. They did this big loopity-loop, panic run in the gas station and then headed off into the neighborhood. They all made it out safe and we were only a few blocks from my house.
But for one instant. Everyone in the gas station froze to stare at me. People inside were staring out at me. People at the pumps were staring at me. I've never felt so judged in my life, it was like i was trafficking humans. I could feel their eyes penetrating my soul. It was about 10o F out and I could feel myself starting to sweat.
When I went in to get coffee, the silence finally broke and a woman asked me what it was all about. I explained it to her, rather loudly so that everyone who witnessed it could hear it. I don't think they believed me....
Secretly, we all fear having birthdays like the one in Sixteen Candles, where nobody shows up and we're forced to deal with how lonely we feel as people. But sometimes, people have things happen on their birthday that put Molly Ringwald to shame.
It stinks to have your special day go sour. Moreover, it hurts, that if whatever happened was bad enough, you will never be able to not associate your birthday with that awful thing.