Impressed People Share The Wittiest Comeback They've Ever Overheard Someone Say.

There's nothing more satisfying than having the perfect retort to something someone says. Here, impressed people share the wittiest comeback they've ever overheard someone say.


1. In one end and out the other.

In the army, there was a saying that is used by the trainers and officers: "Suck that smile." Basically if people are about to start laughing or if they are smiling, they would yell, "Suck that smile! Suck it away! Suck it deep so it goes into your gut and off your face!"

We had a roll call one evening and all of a sudden a guy farts real loud. Everybody starts smiling and are about to burst so naturally the trainers start yelling, "No laughing, suck your smiles!" etc.

Then the officer doing the roll call walked to the guy who farted and was furious. The trainer yells, "PRIVATE! What happened!" and the guy answers with a perfect poker face, "SIR! I sucked too hard SIR!"

Everybody including the trainers and the officer burst in to a two minute laugh orchestra.


2. Got him where it counts.

My coworker called our lead and our lead put him on speakerphone.

He notified our lead that he's coming in for work a little late - he and his wife were trying to have a baby and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle.

Lead says, "Fine [name], we don't mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!"

Crew died laughing.


3. Touche.

When I was 17, my conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about sex. She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery.

"Now daughter, this is you with your virginity." She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand.

"And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?"

I look back and forth between the cakes, "But, mom...they taste the same."

My older sister still loves to bring this up.


4. Two different people.

One time my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we'll need to adjust our shipping ETA's. So this one especially outspoken individual raised his hand and asked, "So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?"

To which my boss responded...

"I don't know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?"

Whole place went nuts.


5. The blurrier the better.

A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says, "Aww man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes, "Yeah you look way better without them too."

I thought that was pretty clever.


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6. Who's the boss now?

I had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:

VP: "Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable."

Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.

Teacher: "Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This'll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up."

We all stood up in near unison very quickly.

Teacher: "Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says," as he points his finger at VP, "do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!"

We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.

Teacher: "Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom"

We didn't budge.

To this day, that is one of my favorite stories to tell.


7. Take it or leave it.

Once asked a middle aged woman to borrow her pen on the train.

Me: "May I please borrow you pen, ma'am?"

Woman: "Excuse me -- don't call me ma'am. Don't you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?"

Me: "My apologies...sir."


8. Mind your own beeswax.

I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger, "You know, smoking kills."

The stranger replies, "You know how my grandma lived to the age 101?"

Guy goes, "Smoking?"

Stranger immediately replies with, "Minding her own business."


9. Quick on his feet.

My buddy and I were hanging out with a good looking girl. He had a new hat. She reached up, touched it, and asked, "Is it felt?"

He responded, "It is now." He is far wittier than I.


10. Barf.

Carl, an old pervert to a woman: Hey girly, why don't you come sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up.

Hot young lady to Carl: Carl, if I sit on your lap, the first thing to come up will be my lunch.


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11. The further the better.

Overheard two friends ragging each other yesterday:

Friend one: I'm sexier than you by a mile.

Friend two: Yeah if you're standing a mile away.


12. Don't mess with the all-seer.

Transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


13. A fond memory.

When Sir Winton Trumbull was rambling on about some political mumbo-jumbo, his opponent Gough Whitlam dropped this amazing piece of wordplay, right out of thin air.

Trumbull: "I am a Country member!"

Whitlam: "Oh, I remember."

Instant, raucous applause.


14. Don't live that life.

For me it's something Patton Oswalt said to shut up a heckler:

"You're going to miss everything cool and die angry."


15. Got him.

A good friend of mine was a poor student and in 8th grade the guidance counselor came up to him at lunch to scold him.

Counselor: "What are you going to do if you don't graduate?"

Friend: "I could always farm."

Counselor: "You're probably not even smart enough to do that."

Friend: "Well I'll be a guidance counselor then."


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16. She didn't miss a beat.

I heard a good one about Muhammad Ali.

When he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"

"Superman don't need no plane" she replied.


17. Smooth as butter.

At a nice bar on a slow night, chatting on and off with the bartender:

Me: "Excuse me, this fly just died right in front of me"

Bartender: "Oh, that just means you're drop dead gorgeous."

It was so smooth, even he was taken aback by how quickly he came up with it. We could not stop laughing about it all night.


18. That'll show him.

When I worked at Lowe's, there was a terrible family that shopped frequently, they owned a few local hotels. They were notorious for being openly sexist and racist towards my coworkers. They were also the kind of people that thought they deserved special customer service.

One time my friend, we'll call him Mitch, and I loaded up a bunch of lumber for him while he watched. There were a few small items remaining on the bottom of his cart and as we were walking away he said, "Aren't you going to help me load these too?"

Mitch said, "Help you? That implies you are going to pick something up too."

And he walked away. BALLER.


19. Ouch.

I was in college in Athens, GA when a drunk student was being loud telling a story out on a patio and a cop rode up on a bike and told him to shut up.

Dude was being obnoxious, but the cop had no authority so he responded. "Sorry didn't think I was being loud enough to break the law."

Cop responded: "You've spent all that time studying at school, and you still just don't know when to shut your mouth."

Student came back immediately with: "You spent all that time training at the police academy, and they still give just you a bike."


20. Statistically speaking, she's right.

I (straight female) was at my town's Pridefest a couple years ago with my young daughter in tow. Naturally, there was a small group of religious protesters. A middle aged man yelled at my husband and me angrily as we walked by, "How could you bring your daughter around all of these child molesters?!"

I immediately turned to face him and calmly said,

"Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be a child molester than anyone else here."


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21. I only want what I ordered.

"Do you know what the difference is between these pancakes and your opinion? I asked for these pancakes."


22. Insulting your reflection.

Two close friends of mine, who are identical twins, play cards (Bellotte) against me and another guy. So they are losing and one of the twins makes a stupid mistake.

'The other says: "You are sooo stupid!", and the first one goes, "Yeah? Now tell me I am ugly".

All cards in the sand, 20 minutes of laughter.


23. Stay in line.

My friend asked our old gym teacher if her sandals had real fur on them to which she replied, "No, it's the last kid that pissed me off."


24. Please have a nap instead.

"I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.


25. Use your noggin.

A guy I worked with at a restaurant came late one day:

Guy: "I thought I had to start later today!"

Manager: "You shouldn't be thinking at all!"

Guy: "And then what, become like you?"


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26. Will you be attending?

The only comeback I can recall was my own, and it may not have even been that great. I was dressed up at work one time (I had an interview) and an ultra-nosey co-worker who I had no sort of social relationship with asks:

"What are you all dressed up for?"

"I won an award for minding my own business. Today is the ceremony."


27. You make me vomit.

John A. MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada, was well-known for being a drunkard, and would often debate his opponents drunk. In one particular event, he started to vomit on stage during a debate.

Opponent: Is this the man you want running your country? A drunk!

MacDonald: I get sick not because of drink [but because] I am forced to listen to the ranting of my honourable opponent.


28. Very punny.

In high school our teacher asked my friend if we'd read the book Walden yet. My friend instantly replied, "Not Thoreau-ly" (the book is authored by Henry David Thoreau).

I probably won't ever be that quick on my feet.


29. Joke's on you.

Person 1: I'm going to punch you so hard you're going to have to tell people you hit your face off a doorknob.

Person 2: You're as dumb as a doorknob so I technically wouldn't be lying.


30. Let me rephrase that.

In the UK parliament a Labour member of parliament (MP) said, "Half the Tory party are crooks."

He was interrupted by the speaker who asked him to withdraw his remark and rephrase it.

To which he responded, "Alright then, half the Tory party aren't crooks."



"It wasn't me!"

There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.

Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked:

Redditors who were once considered suspect of a crime they did not commit, what's it like being held under suspicion and how did it affect your life?

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