In The Spirit Of St. Patrick’s Day: These 20 People Share Their Most Insane Drunk Stories
Lets kick St.Pattys Day off in style! Here are the most absurd blackout drunk stories that will get you ready to um celebrate?
22/22. One time, I called 911 from the back of a paddy wagon and told the operator the police were kidnapping me.
21/22. Used to drink a lot. Went to some guys party. Drank a 40oz of Jim Beam in 2oz shot glass one after another. Finish bottle. Drunkest ever. Can't walk straight. Fell over breaking antique loom. Get told to get out of the house. Guy has some big farm. Apparently I was rolling around in the mud. Covered head to toe in it. Friend is ready to leave finds me chatting up some hot girl who had found me passed out. Friend says I am too filthy to let in the car. Girl has a truck and covers me in a tarp and puts me in the back. She sits with me and friend drives me home.
They put me to bed and the whole time I am trying to convince this girl to climb in with me. My friend is killing himself laughing. Our other buddy drove him home and I black out. Next morning I wake up to some girl in my bed, both of us completely naked and covered in dirt. Her panties are on my head. And her knee high stockings are on my arms like long gloves. I am also naked. I wake her up and she has no idea where she is. She quickly dresses and leaves my house. I get a knock on the door and it is my mom. Apparently my friend left a note on my parents door telling them to check on me.. Mom asks who the girl was and why I am wearing panties on my head. Still don't know who the girl was.
20/22. 3 years ago I told my good girlfriend that "it doesn't matter if your grandma dies, we'll just buy you a new one". Her friends told me to go home, I decided to act like nothing had happened, took a handful of popcorn in my mouth and spat the well chewed popcorn in their face, spilled their drinks and said "I do whatever the f**k I want to do" and left.
19/22. I once passed out in the middle of the road in the fetal position and was nearly run over by a woman delivering newspapers. The woman stopped and tried waking me up but I was unresponsive.
(Continued) The woman stopped and tried waking me up but I was unresponsive. When the cops arrived they were able to wake me up and when I was asked how much I had to drink, I simply responded, "you're looking at it". The police then charged me with disorderly conduct and took me home. I had no recollection of what fully happened until it was in the newspaper.
18/22. Ran straight down a major road and had to be brought home by a cop. The memory goes: Leaving a party and saying bye to everyone.
"Officer why are you here?"
"I'm making sure you get in your apartment safely."
"I don't think you are, you were running down the middle of Michingan Avenue."
"No I wasn't."
"Yes, you were."
[I try to remember how I got home and realize I have no memory of it.]
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."
17/22. At a house party with a bunch of friends, including my girlfriend of 2 years. We all get pretty drunk, at the end of the night, I remember her walking me out to her car for what I assumed was either sex or a ride home (I was too drunk to know what state was in).
Cut to me waking up on the couch of the house we partied at, girlfriend nowhere to be seen, and not answering her phone for a few hours. I figured she had woken up earlier than me, and got me to the couch so she could go home as she's an early riser.
Wrong. After being ignored for a few hours, I get some angry texts about me drinking too much, not being able to keep it together, etc. Turns out I woke up in the middle of the night, had to go to the washroom, but decided to forego leaving the vehicle. My girlfriend woke up to me peeing in the back of her car as if the seats were a urinal, started yelling and shouting at me to stop, and I just calmly tried to hush her back to sleep. She was nice enough to escort my drunk ass inside before cleaning her car and going home.
16/22. I hopped on a bus to Kansas because, and this was quoted back to me when I called my brother for help getting back, "I want to find out if there's more corn in that s**t hole than Iowa."
15/22. One time at the height of my drunkenness, my roommate and I went to a concert. I remember I got super sh*tfaced, and after we got home I crawled into bed with her and her boyfriend in a t-shirt and no underwear (this isn't going where you think it's going, sorry) and started confessing to some things I'd done that year that I'd kept secret because I was super ashamed, and weeping about it.
The two of them talked me down and then sent me back to my room, and we didn't speak of it again.
Until 5 years later. One night, we're out drinking with friends and I confessed to my ex-roommate that I still feel horribly embarrassed about that night. She says she remembers, and I was like, well, the worst part is that your boyfriend was there for it.
Roommate is like, what?
Turns out - and I confirmed this with the boyfriend - he was never there. I had that whole conversation with her alone, but hallucinated that her boyfriend was there as well, and was horrified for five years afterward for no reason.
14/22. Drank an entire case of Corona at a party when I was 22. Woke up on the floor of a bedroom, the next morning feeling reasonably well, then went home. When I got to the restaurant I worked at, everyone in the back was smiling waiting for me. The sous-chef comes up to me, "hey, I hear you're a wild man." I kinda shrug it off, then my buddy who was at the party yells out, "YOU PISSED ON ROSIE'S COUCH!"
At this point they all start cracking up, and I deny it, after all, I slept on the floor. That's when he clarifies, "no, you didn't piss on ROSIE'S couch. You PISSED ONTO Rosie's couch...as if it were a toilet...while she and her girlfriend were trying to sleep on it. I called Rosie later and she confirmed, and she thought it was hilarious. Thus began a long career of blackout drunk shenanigans.
13/22. This isn't really bad, but very dumb. I got sick whilst drunk and asked for crackers to settle my stomach and I proceeded to open the bag of crackers onto the ground and crush them with my feet.
12/22. My SO's (at the time) parents were turning 50 a few years ago. We threw them a surprise party after they came back from a short holiday (during that time we slept in their bed). It was a lot of fun and I was drinking a lot of beer, more than I usually do. When we went to bed I was basically on some sort of a drunk auto-pilot, so I crawled into the same bed we slept in for a week. I vaguely remember my SO's mom shouting "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" which took me out of my drunkness auto mode somewhat.
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(Continued) ... "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" which took me out of my drunkness auto mode somewhat.
My SO pulled me out of the room and into hers to sleep in the correct bed. Eventually I fell asleep. The thing however with drinking beer is that you need to pee a lot. I woke up somewhere in the middle of the night and had to pee. Again in some sort of auto-pilot mode I follow the same path to the toilet which I always follow when I'm home (except I wasn't home). I bumped into a few things and eventually dropped my boxers and started to pee.
Suddenly I hear my SO shouting and asking me what the hell I'm doing. I pull up my boxers and walk to the bathroom where I'm wondering why I don't have to pee anymore. In the morning I woke up with a serious headache. My SO told me everything. I crawled into the bed with her mom and took a piss on her desk (in a paper tray mind you). The piss was still in there. My SO woke up from the sound of flowing water and saw me taking a piss on her desk. That's basically the worst kind of drunk I've ever been.
11/22. My friend was my designated driver, I guess we stopped at Taco Bell and right when he was about to bite into his taco, I slapped it out of his hand. Woke up the next day to find taco bits all over my car.
10/22. I punched a brick wall and broke my hand. I'm not an angry drunk either, so apparently I did this in a "I'm indestructible" mood. Steel plate and a couple of screws later
9/22. My buddy brought 100 proof SoCo and was passing it around without telling people how strong it was. I had a couple of good swigs after drinking several beers and quickly got very, very drunk. Apparently, my friend and I decided to fistfight. He punched me in the neck, I pushed him into a fence which fell over. I was told to leave, so I walked home. On the way, I texted my friend Martin to tell him how pissed I was, but accidentally sent the text to the person below him, which was Mom. She called the next morning asking what "Screw you and yor dum fence" meant.
8/22. I decided to take a shower at about 2am. It was a stand up shower with a seat so I decided to sit down from an exhausting night. I fell asleep for what felt like 10 minutes, but after I dried off and left the bathroom the sun was rising.
7/22. Got smashed at a pool party at a hotel. Don't remember anything, gotta preface with that, this is the story I have been told of that night.
Jger shots, all night. Bad ass jacuzzi at hotel. Me, very drunk, takes the floating rescue board, tosses it in the jacuzzi. Crank it to 11. Climb on rescue board, start singing sea shanties, chugging jger right from the bottle. Fall off, split my skull. This Calls for more jger. Bleeding everywhere. Officially declare jacuzzi my sovereign international waters. Someone has called the cops. Mother f**king pirates. Got a few empty bottles now. Cops talking to me trying to get me to come ashore. Start tossing empty jger bottles, making cannon sounds. More pirates show up. Party is cleared out. Gotta protect my sovereign seas. Outta jger bottles. Cops have had enough. Paramedics start trying to get me outta the jacuzzi. Start splashing water at them. Little bro trying to talk me over to shore. Traitor. Splashing lava everywhere. Those pirates ain't gonna get me. Lose balance again. Smack my head on the cement again. Fall asleep.
Wake up. Handcuffed to a hospital bed. Great party 10/10 wish I could remember it. Got a nice scar above my left eyebrow to remind me I am not a privateer.
6/22. The first time I drank I drank an entire 5th of Jack Daniels in about 20 minutes on a bet for 20 dollars. I did this on an empty stomach chasing it with mellow yellow.
About 15 minutes in I realized I was seriously drunk, but I just kept on because I wanted that 20 dollars. It got to the point I couldn't walk, and I had to slither around on my stomach because I lacked the coordination to do anything other than drag myself with my shoulders. The last thing I remember is going into my grandma's room and demanding that she tell me what time it is. She was asleep and not happy at being woken up. She went to my moms room, banged on the door and yelled "Come get your son hes drunk! I am going back to bed!"
My mom thought it was hilarious until I tried to fight her boyfriend, from the floor because I couldn't get off my own ass. I apparently said a lot of asshole things and tried to fight people. My mom eventually got me into bed, and I don't know how. I had about 75 pounds and 6 inches on her, and I had no coordination. I woke up drunk with my mattress half off the bed sleeping in some weird position. I stumbled around hammered and took a shower sitting down. Then the hangover hit.
5/22. This happened a couple of years ago on New Years' Eve. I found out about it the next day, when I wanted to know why I had a black eye. All of my friends got drunker than we had ever been before, and at one point in the night we decided that it would be a good idea to take naked shots. This is where we stripped naked and took shots.
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(Continued)... This is where we stripped naked and took shots. My black eye resulted from one of my friends kicking me in the face after I drunkenly decided that it would be a good idea to take pictures of what was happening and tweet them. I have absolutely no memory of anything that happened after about 10:30pm, but every few months I hear another story of some of the shenanigans that I got up to that night, such as getting dragged naked down the stairs after being discovered naked in another friends' bed. Worst New Years Ever.
4/22. I get drunk and leave people.
"Hey, hold my beer, I gotta go to the bathroom."
Then I walk out of the front door and go to a different bar to meet up with other friends.
3/22. Apparently I asked everyone to fight me and then went crazy with a blunt letter-opening knife (wooden). No one was hurt apart from me but still the others decided it was probably best to throw my shoes into a tree as a kind of punishment.
2/22. I got black out in my dorm room and when my friend slammed the door, the CAs came to tell us to quiet down. Apparently when they knocked on the door, it woke me up and I walked out into the hallway, unzipped my pants, and started pissing in a trash can. They told me I couldn't do that so I proceeded to finish my piss in the girl's bathroom sink. I'm a male. Police were called, me in trouble.
1/22. Woke up around 3am and decided to pee on a friends couch because why not. He woke up to the sound of me peeing on said couch. It's important to note here that his bed is right next to his couch. He woke up yelling "what the f*ck!" I was told I responded by shh-ing him and told him was a dream. I guess he believed me because he went back to sleep. 10 min later he woke realizing what I just did and threw his piss soaked cushion on my bed after tearing me a new one. I regret nothing.
In most situations, when you're hurt by someone, it can be best to just forgive and forget. However, there are some people that can't help but hold grudges. Sometimes it can just be petty, but other times, it can be for very valid reasons.
HeySistaBrutus asked: What are you STILL mad about?