Lovelorn People Reveal Why They Broke Up With The Person They Thought They'd Marry
We were this close...
Thinking you're going to marry someone should mean you know everything about them. However, the old saying goes you never know who you're sleeping with. That person you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with could turn out to be a murderous, ravenous psycho who enjoys wearing the skinned flesh of raccoons while dancing to Dolly Parton music on Sunday mornings.
But, that doesn't happen to real people. Right?
Reddit user, u/notnotaginger, wanted to know when your loved one's secret was just too much:
She cheated on me.
On her trip to Europe.
Which she is still on.
I saw the Facebook messages on the computer where she was still logged in. Then she lied when I called her on it. This all happened about 4 hours ago. I'm at a bit of a loss... I was planning our engagement. I'm glad it happened now I guess. Very rough though.
Every time we fought she would throw her engagement ring somewhere, make me get it, then make me plead with her to put it back on. Even for very small disagreements and even in public. That was the final straw. It was very messed up feeling begging somebody to be with me all the time. It gave he huge insecurity issues. Things were so perfect but as soon as she got that ring everything changed.
Found credit card statement on the floor once, just before a family holiday. Thousands of pounds in debt that he'd never told me about. I'd been paying the rent entirely by myself in a job I hated and I was too young and naïve (23) to realise he wasn't an honest man. That was it.
edit: we still chat every now and again. We wanted different things in life, so the argument that followed was the straw that broke the camels back. My next partner (now husband) had a lot of debt from a failed business, but the difference was he was honest about it, so I didn't care. Money doesn't trump love, but honesty is the bedrock of any relationship.
My mom was dying. It was my last Thanksgiving with her. Without discussing it with me first, he had his mom buy him plane tickets to spend Thanksgiving with his parents, and asked if I wanted to go with him. No. I am not missing the last Thanksgiving I can ever spend with my mom. We will have our whole lives to spend Thanksgiving with your family after this. You're leaving me to face this one alone, or to abandon my mother on her last Thanksgiving?
It was suddenly very clear (being happy to cancel wedding plans to do it later, and many other things) that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, but wouldn't break up with me, because my mom was dying, and he was too nice a guy to dump his fiancée who's mom was dying.
To his credit, we remained close friends, and he continued to be there as my best friend and emotional support through her death, and some months following. Although it was 8 years ago, we still chat/text a few times a year, and catch up on how our families are doing.
She wanted to go to Florida for the Disney college program. (She is a huuuge Disney nerd.) She was too scared she would lose me. I convinced her to do it because if she didn't, she would regret it forever and that no matter what happened I would still be here for her. 6 months and an engagement ring later she told me that while in Florida she realized she didn't love me like she thought she had.
The ring is in a box in the back of a drawer in my dresser.
Her worst fear came true.
So did mine.
We had been dating for over 2 years, and engaged for about 6 months.
Then one night, she bit me twice. Then I slapped her once, and she called the cops.
We were drunk (of course) and got in to an argument about something stupid, and I wanted to let it all go until the morning, when we could talk about it when we were sober. But she was doing that thing she had been doing for a while at that point...refusing to relent until she felt she won the argument. I was going to sleep at her apartment that night, but when she wouldn't stop arguing, I decided to get up and leave.
As I was starting to put my pants on, she tackled me in a fit of rage. Then she bit my arm hard...so much so that she drew blood (I still have the scar.) I squirmed away, but she grabbed my legs and then she bit me again, hard, this time on my a-- cheek. (I still have that scar too, only it's bigger.)
The second bite she wouldn't let go...gnashing on my a-- like a dog with a chew toy. So I grabbed her hair, and pulled, then slapped her.
She was SHOCKED that I would slap her. SHOCKED. She called the cops. They showed up, saw all the blood and that I was the only one bleeding, then arrested her. I was actually kind of surprised by that, but they were reasonable individuals.
I did not want to press charges. I was done with her, and saw no need for them at that point. Turns out the town she lived in has a domestic violence law that compells the prosecutor to file charges without needing me to press charges. She took a deal that put a misdemeanor on her record (vs. felony battery), and a years probation.
About 6 weeks after this incident, I met the woman who is now my wife. This November will be our 22nd wedding anniversary. And in all that time, she has never bitten me, and I have never slapped her.
He broke up with me. I have had juvenile diabetes since I was 7yrs old and he said he did not want to marry someone who had health problems and could die. I was 26 and we had been together over 3years. It had a big impact on me.
Note...my health was not bad at the time.
She actually was quite the rude person and believed anyone who told her that acting this way is unacceptable is someone trying to control her. She would always deflect and couldn't just accept that people don't like blunt and rude ass people in general.
The relationship died.
We had very different ideas of what life should be like. For example, he had said he'd break up with me if I didn't get a college education. He also gave me ultimatums (twice) about moving with him to a small town- both times. At the second time, I let him carry out the ultimatum.
After 2 years of constantly forgiving him for cheating on me, it wasn't until I needed to be hospitalized that I realized he didn't love me. When I needed him the most he told me, "I'm sorry, I can't take you being in there. It makes me too sad. Call me when you get out."
So when I did, I told him I just wanted to be friends, but I had nothing against him. Literally a day after I called him and told him that, he made FB official post dating some other girl lol I'm married now and really happy in my relationship.
I definitely dodged a bullet :)
He's an absolutely wonderful dude. He just thought I was a different person than I really am. He and I met during a very stressful point of my life, and he thought that if I quit doing all the things that made me "me," like volunteering, being a workaholic, helping my family, I'd be perfect. In the end, when the crazy subsided, I landed a job that makes me the happiest ever, via the volunteering I was doing, and my family stabilized and isn't quite as crazy as before.
We're both married to other people now, and thanks to social media I can see that he chose well, and is super happy. I'm happy here, and honestly, I'm really grateful for the way it all worked out. Nothing wrong at all with him, and he deserves all the goodness in life he has.
She was already married. We worked together at job you couldn't wear rings. She hid it very well. I was the other guy. Found out when I proposed and had to tell me shes married.
Edit: we worked as military aircraft mechanics. We were 'together' for about 9 months before I proposed.
After 4 years of relationship, her parents couldn't come into terms with my religion and caste, they completely opposed our marriage, the girl couldn't sacrifice her parents' relationship and so she sacrificed me for them. Welcome to 21st century India.
She ended her own life last October.
It'll have been a year since she died in six days.
Still breaks my heart. We were already engaged, but she was a very, very troubled woman.
E: I kinda just shot this post out because I was so certain nobody would notice, and I needed to vent. Been breaking down a lot now that I'm approaching the worst day in my life, but it's good to know y'all out there reached out like this. Thanks, everyone.
Both of us were alcoholics.
I met him at age 22, he was 26. Love at first sight. It was immediately understood without even speaking of it that we were just going to be together now, and that was that for 2.5 years.
I have still never met someone I have loved entirely as much as I loved him. And when I broke things off with him, I honestly think a piece of my soul died. Because I have truly never been the same since.
My mom and dad were both alcoholics and it f-cked up my childhood. I had a drinking problem myself that I didn't understand yet. My drinking increased when we began dating because it seemed so normal to indulge more with him. The more I drank, the more neurotic and needy I became. The more he drank, the more he just faded away from the world.
He always drank to the point of blacking out and I hated it. I would see his facial expression go kind of blank while we were out, and I'd know he was blacked out, like, nothing there, dead behind the eyes. And I'd wonder where the guy I loved was. I'd tell him we needed to go home and he'd brush it off and refuse. He had to close the bar down no matter what. He'd just always get so f-cking hammered.
Seeing the man I loved really drunk would always trigger this really lonely and dark sadness inside me. I felt invisible like I did to my parents my whole childhood. And he drank like, everyday. He never slept at night so much as he actually just kind of passed out. I always felt like I was sleeping next to a ghost when he was passed out from drinking. I felt like I was dating him, the perfect person, and then also his twin, who had nothing to give and no life inside of him. It was just a shell of him. It broke my heart constantly.
After some time of cyclical arguments (usually while both of us were drunk) I started to realize he didn't feel like he had an issue, and I wasn't sure he would ever face it. I wanted to face my issues. I wanted a better life and better mental health. He was not in favor of making changes.
He had socialized with the same group of guys since he was 5, all of whom drank to blackouts regularly, and his dad was a big drinker. They were from a privileged, upper middle class kind of circle where binge drinking was just normal because they went to more expensive bars and only drank craft beers and whatnot. Idk how to explain it. But there was a disconnect there between us. There was no part of his life that didn't revolve around alcohol and I knew if I didn't get away from that lifestyle, I was going to end up miserable or maybe even dead.
I still fight for my sobriety every day. He just got married last month. I saw photos from the wedding, where he had a drink in his hand in every photo and the same blank, drunk expression I could never cope with. I wish him the best, and I still miss him everyday. I f-cking hate alcohol for all of the sh-t in life that it absolutely destroys.
I was engaged to a guy I'd dated for 3 years and planning a destination wedding. He cheated with a mutual friend one night. His mom (who he lived with while we were apartment hunting) accidentally walked in on them in the middle of it while letting the dogs out. He didn't know his mom had seen, but his mom called me and told me what happened. He denied it when I confronted him which made it worse. Called off the wedding and broke up, etc.
Weirdly enough, he got married about 5 years later to someone else in the exact same destination wedding location/venue/package/colors I had always dreamed of and planned out for us. He must have kept my planning binder and just reused it or something.
Edit: whoa this blew up! Made a clarity edit because guy did not sleep with his mom. Answering some questions here:
- Could his mom have been wrong/was it a plot to break you up?
No. He finally came clean after I said his mom had walked in on him and called me. And the mutual friend admitted it to me too when I confronted her. His mom was basically sobbing when she called me because she didn't want us to break up, but knew she should tell me. I'm actually sad about losing the mom so much more than my ex. She was awesome! Some other things were revealed about him later too like he lied about finishing his degree at university and had failed out instead. I dodged a big bullet for sure.
2) What happened to the mutual friend?
Well, she and I definitely stopped being friends. She wasn't even apologetic when I confronted her. She had also been in a relationship that she broke off. They ended up dating for a while after that which was a bit of a mess because my ex and I ran a large, well-known community together. The rumors of what happened got out, but I attempted to be civil about it for the sake of the community. They, however, parked in the front window of the weekly venue and made out for everyone to see as a way of announcing their relationship. Super classy.
3) What happened to me?
I ended up moving across the country a few months later, meeting the man who is now my awesome husband of 8 years, and we just had our first kid last year. I'm much happier with this outcome!
Keeping this as short as possible. But an accident happened and she had a severe brain injury, which led to me meeting her family that she had been trying very diligently to hide from me.
Her mother was an addict (to what I never really found out, but it was pills and illegal drugs that I never found the names of), and she constantly threatened me and my family with terrible things. She was after money and would do anything to get it. There was a settlement involved with the accident, and quite a bit of money was given to help with the recovery. Instead, the mother bought herself and the sister 2 brand new cars.
I met her father (adopted, the biological father is still a mystery) who was also a victim to her mother. His life was in complete shambles. He invited me over and wanted to have some beer with me and talk (he was a severe alcoholic, but nice). He told me that I need to leave as soon as I could, because the mom and sister were 100% going to ruin my life. I had already suspected this, but he told me "I know you see my life, it will be yours too if you don't do something and save yourself."
He gave me his permission to leave, and told me he wouldn't think that I was a piece of sh-t for leaving my now mentally disabled girlfriend. A lot of people ended up thinking I was (the mother and sister didn't help this at all), and he warned me that this was probably going to happen. Which is why he wanted to give me his permission- he knew I'd stick with it and have my life destroyed because I was afraid of the image it might give me if I left.
And that was it. I was gone. It was terribly difficult and there was no "right" answer for what to do.
But, to make some of you feel better, she's actually doing good in her life now. She never recovered 100% but she miraculously reached a point to where she almost lives a normal life, and the mother doesn't have much say in what goes on any more!
Edit 2: The word "fiance" and "engaged" keep popping up. I want to make it clear that we were not engaged. She was someone that I thought I would probably marry at one time, however, which is my reason for posting.
First, he asked me to marry him at the Symphony concert and I said yes. Then later he took it back and said it was a pre engagement ring. That he would marry me later, once he's done with college. Finishes college, changes it to when he finds a job. Then he just stops giving a timeline.
I would ask to make sure we can plans that can help the process, but he wouldn't tell me anything that was going on. Most of our conversations were short, and there was sh!t communication and romance. I have a feeling he didn't like the way I look (curvy, Hispanic, curly hair) he always commented how asian women were sexy (skinny, asian and straight hair). He wouldn't sleep with me, kept giving the excuse of marriage for that.
But since he has Asperger's Syndrome, his communication and social actions were bad, I would forgive his actions. He invited me to Vegas and the way he made it sound, it was going to be it. Invited me to a fancy dinner, dress nice. Nope. That wasn't what broke the camel's back, he was in his own little world the whole time and I was the one talking. We had fun, but it was like dealing with a child the whole time.
I got back home and broke up with him. He asked If we can be best of bestest friends. When I said yes, he was talkative and was happy, like relieved. A week later my friend told me 4 years of things he never told me because he thought I would be mad at him. Examples are He lost his job, had to work again at a store. He's friend committed suicide and he moves back with his parents because he didn't have money. I would never get mad at him, more I would help him.
I called him and he denied all these things. I told him to never talk to me again and I did NC with him. My friend called me later and told me he was mad because she told me everything, but she tore him a new one and said the reason I broke up with him and since then we all been NC with him.
We were together for six years. And throughout those six years, I was blinded to how poorly he treated me. He belittled me in front of friends, he belittled me when we were alone, he encouraged my drinking habit which had spawned as the result of extreme depression, and I had a lot of stomach issues due to my trash diet so when I wasn't in the mood, he'd expect sex. Even if I just didn't want to...it was expected. And I was guilted into it no matter what.
The last year of our relationship, he got a new hotshot job and became even worse. He'd go out and say I wasn't invited, he'd ditch me literally while we were out for his work friends. And he asked me why I was "putting so much effort" into my novel because "it's never going to get published." And the "required" sex only got worse.
When I confronted him about it, he broke down and said I didn't deserve to deal with a jerk like him. It was always my job to comfort him, even when I was the one who was hurt.
And one day, he pissed me off so much I finally told him I wanted to take a step back. I picked him up, we talked about it, and broke up. A couple months after we broke up, he went on a trip with one of my best friends. And gave me a lame apology insisting they didn't have sex.
I've spent the last three years healing from the extreme trauma that he left me with after being gaslighted, manipulated, and mentally, emotionally abused for so long.
A year after we broke up, though, I met the love of my life and he's really helped me heal and grow into a better person. And he supports my writing. We're planning on getting engaged in about a year. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person, and I cannot wait to spend forever with him.
I couldn't be happier I didn't end up with my ex. I can only imagine how miserable my life would be.
I had already married him before I realized how bad it was. We got married on his 21st and my 20th birthday (same day) after 9 months of dating. After 6 months of a constant cycle of debt and living in disgusting conditions and hoarding animals, his family convinced him I was cheating on him because they heard a guy laugh in the background. That man was my father. My parents lived 2 hours away and I had decided to stay late to visit them and watch movies because I had not seen them in a month (I've always been close to my parents).
When I got home (an hour later than I said I would be), he told me I wasn't allowed to return to my hometown to visit my friends (many of whom were male) or family without telling him. Yeah. No thanks. It was then I realized how insecure and stupid this guy was. His first and only girlfriend before me had gone to college and come home with another man's baby. It took me another month to pull my head out of my @ss and speaking to an old college friend to work up the courage to leave him. Realized it while I was working at a gas station his mom was a manager at. Panic attack ensued, and my coworker took me to the ER. Wouldn't let any of my in-laws in to see me. Bless my mom's soul, she drove 2 hours in the middle of the night (10 pm) for her and picked me up. My husband called and called and called when he found out I was at the ER, but I refused to answer. Drove back two days later with my best friend to see his family padlocking my front door shut (the lock had broken a few weeks prior and could only be locked and unlocked from the inside).
Called the local police, told them that I had been locked out of my house, explained I was leaving my husband and would be climbing in and passing things through the window. Friend loaded up the car and we drove off as my husband was peeling up the road to come talk to me. His grandparent's friend had driven by as I was climbing out of the window and called them. My friend flipped him the bird as we drove by. He called me several times, and I didn't answer any of his calls or messages for a week. In that time, I had gotten divorce papers. A month later, I served them to him with my mom and dad and the college buddy (whom I was kinda/sorta dating at the time) present. The divorce went smoothly and I haven't seen or spoken to him since.
During the whole process, his grandma was calling me a cheating whore and the devil's spawn (she was very religious) and shaming me for leaving a family that could provide me everything my own could never do. Honestly, I am turning 26 this year, and I realize that it probably wasn't my ex-husband's fault. He had a lot of insecurities. Also, he was just so naive and stupid and easily manipulated by his family. I didn't have the heart to do that to him, but it got to the point where he was pretty much emotionally abusing me by trying to isolate me from my friends and family. I don't wish him ill anymore, and I hope that he has learned from his mistakes. He wasn't a bad guy. Just... stupid. Just like I was stupid for marrying him so young and not realizing what was going on sooner. I'm getting married to a much better man with a much, much better family in two months.
I was with a guy for 6 years, we were 17 when we first got together and moved in together at 21. He proposed around this time and I was so happy to be marrying him. We then fell pregnant by accident (I was actually on contraception but must have been that small percentage) and when I told him, he looked at me dead serious and told me I had to get rid of it. Keeping it isn't an option. I was heart broken as I felt we were in a good place in every way and I really wanted to be a mum. Discussion after discussion, he said that he will 'man up and support us'.
Sadly, I miscarried at 12 weeks so it wasn't meant to be. He had no sadness for it at all and told me that this has confirmed that he never wants to have children and he doesn't think he ever really did. I was devastated as I planned my future with this person and we had always discussed children and he was never honest with me.
3 years later I'm engaged to someone else and getting married in September. I can confirm he does want children!!!
We were very young and naive. We just eventually drifted apart. She changed, I changed, we just weren't compatible anymore. We ended it civilly and that was that. We remained friends for a while until she moved to Tennessee and we never talked again.
They dumped me but i found a few things out after that:
1: they had started several gofundmes to get me both top surgery and to get me to where they were and then abruptly cancel them when there was some money, and whenever i approached them about it they'd get annoyed.
2: another note on this one; we were polyamorous. i still am, not sure about them nor do i really care. i was talking to them about this guy i had a crush on and they kept giving me short answers, and i was asking what was wrong. at one point the way they phrased things they made me feel like i was twisting their arm about it, because a) in a polyamorous relationship you should always communicate these kinds of things, and b) they said "i don't like you talking about other people you want to date, id just rather you not tell me" which is essentially cheating. finally they said "fine date who you want" and i talked to said guy and we ended up together. told them the next day and they went on this rant about how they felt like i cheated on them when THEY TOLD ME i could, and not only did i have to dump that dude, they wouldn't even let me be friends with them because they didn't trust me so they made me cut off.
3) they also broke up with someone we both were dating for me bc said someone was going through some dark sh!t and so my ex decided what was best for me. (i'm now engaged to that person and she's the best) and i had to cut from her too
4) they cheated on me twice, once at the very beginning where they got with their ex and they never heard back from her for FOUR WEEKS and i didn't know about this until i was in the mental hospital. the second time was a week before they dumped me and i found this out through their tweets
5) after the break up i remember telling them throughout the relationship i cant be friends with people i was in a serious relationship with (once im attached, im attached, id rather not emotionally torture myself) and they got so mad and went on a twitter rant about me being abusive and a cheater. i called them out, they deleted their tweets, and blocked me.
6) i almost forgot to mention that if i were to date anybody they also have to date them, and i never realized until after the relationship how controlling that was.
I broke up with my girlfriend because I wasn't happy with her.
She always treated me like crap in person, then insisted we constantly text and video call all day when we were apart. I literally had to make up lies to get away from her, because otherwise she would accuse me of not caring.
We constantly fought, and had to take breaks a lot. She would always push me to do things I didn't want to do, and once again act like I didn't love her when I didn't want to do a certain thing.
I should have left long before I did, but she had anxiety and depression, so I was constantly afraid of her hurting herself, plus the fact that I had convinced myself I was still in love with her. The thing that caused me to break it off was also what made me realize that I wasn't in a healthy relationship.
We had gotten into an argument, and were on break from each other for a while. She was set to go on a trip where there was no wifi, so we wouldn't be able to talk for a while. The night before she had to leave, she texted me crying and saying she needed me. I stayed up all night talking to her, even though I was wrecked with sleep deprivation.
The next day, I went to see her off. She practically ignored me the entire time I was there, and when she was about to leave, she almost didn't say bye. Which I wouldn't have minded as much, except for A. the night before she had been crying about how much she needed me, and B. right before she left, she seemed to recognize that I was in the general area, and gave me a "bye" over her shoulder. That's when everything wrong that had happened, and every time she treated me terribly finally clicked in my brain. I broke up with her a week later, when she got back from her trip
Fun fact: I met this girl because I was friends with her brother. Her brother and I are still friends to this day.
Not quite me breaking up but still, I ended it
My SO had been having a hard time, parents in debt, exams, vet exams to join a super good program. Stress took the toll on her, when she got stressed shed do awful things to me without realizing how awful or gets scared and does awful things to scare herself, but since I knew she didn't mean to I let her get away with it.
Her mom asked about our sexual relationship, she freaked out, lied and threw me under the bus and painted me as something awful in her moms eyes. She kicked me out of Prom for her best friend, and got mad at me for being sad. I was going through a lot of depression as she was being a lot more like this and I couldn't handle it, almost killed myself, she didn't want to talk to me so I reached out to friend, they calmed me down. Next time she dumps me. I knew in a week shed get over it, this had happened so many times and we both knew it.
She disappears for a while, I cant afford rent cause she vanished. Had to drop Uni and move back a cross the country home. I clean out our apartment and drop the few things she had at her dads. 3ish weeks later she calls me to talk, asks if she's allowed to come home her key wasn't working. "I'm gone, we got kicked out cause you left" She balls her eyes out realizing the mistake, but I knew so I comforted her even though she crushed my life. Leaves for another few days, I find out while she's gone that she had too much pride to admit she screwed up and dumped me and ruined everything, so she tells them all I dumped her.
All my friends and family disown me, she comes back a few days later screaming at me for talking to another girl (the one who helped me not kill myself) I explain why and she gets mad that I didn't come to her "I tried, you told me to leave you alone" and still gets mad that I continue to talk to her. Despite that she dumped me and has no right, I let her hit on me more and more sinking me lower.
SO has mental issues, on top of this apparent Bipolar when stressed, she cant tell the difference between dreams and reality. She constantly has nightmares I do bad things to her, starts mentioning things I didn't do. "I didn't do that..? Those were your nightmares remember..?" She didn't fall out of love with me, she fell out of love with the version of me she sees in her head. She's crying that she doesn't deserve me (cause of just the dumping, not the apartment loss, not the shit treatment, not for turning everyone against me) I saw we can fix this (still hoping inside) and she screams that I cant because Im not there (only reasons I'm not is cause you got us kicked out) so I left.
I just said goodbye
It was then when I realized my lover was gone, as much as I loved her..I couldn't keep taking the emotional abuse. Hating someone because they do wrong by you in your dreams, constantly beating on someone. r/relationshipadvice convinced me to go. if she wouldn't accept help, then accident or not she still abused me, and then its no longer and accident.
That all ended about a month ish ago, still picking up the pieces of my life trying to salvage something.
I realized I was going to be turned into a trophy wife between him and his family (granted, a trophy wife with a planned doctorate but still). My friends still call him Norman Bates.
He called me in a drunken rage and told me he was about to kill his friend Jon. My bf and a couple guys were staying at a lakeside cottage, and Jon did something to upset him (but far from deserving death!) My bf sounded so creepily sure that he absolutely needed to kill his friend and I had to sweetly talk him out of it. I didn't break up with him for at least a few more months, but I know that was the turning point.
She is incredibly controlling and has said things to him about me behind my back, which he then repeats to me to reinforce how much 'she disapproves'. When I first met his mum, she told him snidely that I am a 'deeply unhappy person', which was completely untrue. I was living by myself and carving a very bright future for myself.
When his first niece was born, I took time off work to baby sit her and then one day she accused me of 'never visiting enough', then proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs that I had not prepared the family dinner properly.
I am a highly educated woman who doesn't need to be yelled at like this. I am happy to share my time with others in any capacity as long as I am treated with basic respect. I told her so in a brief and polite email to call her out on her bullying behaviour.
There's a lot more to this story but you get the idea.
She was born super rich, I? Super not.
I realised she would do better in her own country and not with me, then later she started becoming condescending it confirmed my thoughts.
Had a great relationship, but I let him know from very early on that I didn't want kids (non-negotiable in any way) and he was fine with that at first. As we got older, he realized he did want them and let me know. He was still a great person and we tried to keep it together for a while and were even talking about marriage, but there was always this sense that if we stayed together either he wouldn't get to have the kids he wanted, or I'd have to have the kids I didn't want. That's just not reasonable so we decided to break up.
College. He didn't want to hurt me, and, funding everything himself and taking wayyy too many courses, it would be too much for him.
When she started buying my "best friend" the same gifts she would buy for me and would talk to me less and less. My "best friend" would then ask to chat with her on Skype without me on the call and would also ask to take her out to a movie. Eventually, I put two and two together and after my "best friend" revealed in a VERY long Facebook PM that he was in love with my girlfriend, I knew the relationship was coming to an end. Eventually, she admitted to having feelings for him and that was when I decided that we should break up. This relationship had lasted four years and to be honest? Should have ended a long time ago. I gave them my blessing to be together. I guess that wasn't enough for them, though, as they both proceeded to torment me for weeks on how horrible I was as a boyfriend and I "traumatized" her with my breakup news. Eventually, I had a major meltdown from all of this and I guess that was enough for them to decide to finally leave me alone. They are both batsh*t crazy, but they definitely deserve each other.
Met another person around this time and began dating her after my breakup. She ended up cheating on me a few months later and claimed that she really didn't want to cheat on me, but it "just happened". I forgave her for what she did but was still devastated by the news. Mind you, she cheated on me with a guy who lives in Florida and was just visiting the Ohio area. After breaking up with me, she decided to have this guy be her new boyfriend and I think they are still together. (Cut off all contact from her not long after the breakup) I've been single since August of last year.
We had been together for four years and it was my first love. I thought we were going to be one of those couples that had an amazing story about how we met on the first day of university and never looked back. But as the fourth anniversary came closer, I began to feel like I couldn't ever have my own life, that I had to keep putting in so much effort but it was never ever good enough - even though the roughest patch our relationship had hit had been because of him.
I felt like I was his caretaker and that meant that what he wanted he got otherwise he was very unpleasant. I made myself into the lesser of the two people in the relationship because I thought he was more important than me and so that meant that his ambitions were more important than mine. I was constantly emotionally drained and when we were apart, it took a long time for me to miss him.
But I started to become more affirmative on what I wanted but he wasn't very supportive of my dreams or if I wanted to take up any hobbies. I really lost myself in that relationship and became very dependent on his appraisal. Even after it ended, I still did things that would make him happy because his happiness was still so important to me.
I knew that I had to end it so that he could grow up and so I could achieve my dreams and be a person and not a husk of one.
It was definitely the right decision... he started dating someone else four months later even though he said he wanted me back.
He came back from a visit from his parents, told me he no longer loved me and didn't want me to move home to NY with him (what we had been planning for 6 months prior to this). He wanted to do long distance but I told him it was done.
Six years together.
Around the two year point, he decided to strive for medical school. I understood what an undertaking that would be for him - I knew he needed to focus on bumping up his undergrad grades (his grades were average/dipping into the below average range by pre-med standards at that point) and he would likely need even more time to get into a med school because of his grades (was right, he went to a grad program). But I was all in if he was and as long as we kept on the same page with each other.
Fast forward to this past year; he didn't get into any medical schools in the US for the second time he had applied. He decided to go to the Philippines for medical school since it's easier to get in and his parents were putting pressure on him. He didn't ask my opinion on it, and he didn't think through what our relationship would be like before he applied and accepted the offer. He just assumed I'd be on board cause I'd been so supportive through the past three years he'd been going through the cycle.
I couldn't get over my resentment of not being included in the process of such a huge decision, and while he knew marriage was important to me, he never proposed or made any solid declaration of when it would happen for us. We had one of those long and horrible talks about it all, and he then admitted that the past year of living together and talking about marriage wasn't enjoyable for him, but he knew it was what I was looking for in our relationship. Essentially saying he'd only been initiating the marriage talks because it's what would keep me around, but he wasn't sure marriage was for him. I ended it right there and then.
It's been 6 months now. Sometimes I miss my ex, but looking back, the bad outweighs the good. Mostly though, I still feel furious about what my ex put me through and also how I allowed myself to be treated. Silver lining: I've recently started seeing a man I'd been friends with for the past five years. We're taking our time since he knows what I just went through, but I can say it's already such a different type of relationship - we make time for each other, but we also respect each other's boundaries, values, and opinions. So you live, and you learn and have faith that things do happen for a reason.
My maturity level far surpassed his within the last year of our relationship. I wanted to have things in order. Take care of the adult things that constantly needed to be taken care of. Health, finances, errands, etc. But he didn't, or reluctantly did. Another one was his self proclaimed "lack" of sex drive, when he was actually just addicted to porn and hiding it. There were plenty of other little things, but those two made me end it.
She couldn't envision a future without her immediate family involved in nearly every "us" decision. Leave and cleave.
She broke up with me. Chose the gym trainer over the guy who she said she wanted to spend her life with and had told her he was going to marry her... That's why I'm going to have trust issues. Apparently its my fault that I went through her phone after she refused to tell me who she was thinking about replacing me with. I have a right to know.
Racism is an insidious, and unfortunately prevalent, force in all of our daily lives. Maybe we're on the receiving end of it, being treated differently and losing opportunities because of others' preconceived notions.
Or maybe we're on the other side of things. Even those who aren't actively racist or discriminatory still have to process the world through the filters of the things they've been told about people who are different.