Man With No Penis, Due To Accident, Wonders When He Should Tell The Girl He's Dating
Well...this is a situation we don't envy, to say the absolute least.
u/Marboxbl filled us in:
When should I [23M] tell the girl I'm dating [22F] that I don't have a penis?
When I was in my early teens, I lost most of my penis in an accident. There's nothing there now. I have testicles but basically there's no penis attached to the top of it anymore. I know this sucks, but I've come to peace with my condition. People have all sort of disabilities, this is mine and it's not the worst thing in the world.
My problem is dating. All girls that I've dated so far, without exception, have walked away once they know of my condition. I don't blame them, but I'm thinking that maybe I'm not handling the situation properly. I've always told the truth fairly early on, thinking that I should let them know early on so that they can decide if they want to keep on dating as it's not fair to waste their time if this indeed is a deal breaker to them, but this has never worked well for me.
Now I'm dating a girl that I really like for around a month, and I still haven't told her. Should I tell her now? Should I wait a little longer? How should I tell her? Just an honest conversation and telling them directly, which is what I've been doing so far?
I'm a little disappointed with my past experiences. I know and have accepted what this situation means for me in terms of sexual life, but I'm coming to the understanding that this might even mean I can't even have relationships, which isn't what I was expecting.
tl;dr: I'm confused about how to communicate to potential partners about the fact that I don't have a penis.
Here's the advice he got.
I've always told the truth fairly early on, thinking that I should let them know early on so that they can decide if they want to keep on dating as it's not fair to waste their time if this indeed is a deal breaker to them, but this has never worked well for me.
Even though has never worked so far, I believe is the right thing to do. Maybe is not something you tell on the first date of course, but not everyone could handle it and it's not fair to hold the truth for too long.
You can still have a healthy sex life -- don't forget that.
Other have given some good advice so I'm going to go down a different route...
Have you cut sex out of your life completely? Or are you still active? I mean, you have your fingers and tongue and there are ALL kinds of toys out there. I don't know if you're into this at all but I know a lot of women are into pegging and might even be turned on by your situation.
Check out /r/sex if you have any questions or feel like you need advice.
Secondly, how you present the situation is important. If you DO wish to be sexually active then I suggest saying something like;
"There's something I need to tell you, I was involved in an unfortunate accident when I was younger and now I don't have a penis. This is something I have accepted and come to terms with myself and I understand you may need some time to do the same. Before you go and have a think about how you would like to proceed, let me tell you that I am still very interested in sexual activities... I'd really like for us to try this out and see how it goes, if it doesn't work out, then no hard feelings, I'll be content that we tried. I'll give you as much time as you need to think this over."
I wish you the best of luck OP!
It's tough. Disabilities (of all sorts) make dating much more difficult. I have a friend who is paralyzed and he knows that he is rejected on the basis of his disability by 90% of potential partners. Your disability is more hidden and affects your day to day life less, but is perhaps even a more deal breaker when it comes to dating and relationships.
I don't have a golden solution for you but I wish you luck and I think it's fair in general to tell them early on, to avoid wasting their and more importantly your time and avoid emotional attachments and potential breakup problems.
As a transman I can sympathize. With your current girlfriend rather than just telling her maybe you could turn it into an open conversation right off the bat. "I really like you and I'd like to have sex with you. Unfortunately I was in an accident as a child that makes sex difficult... I can't do [specific sex acts] but I am happy to do [other sex acts] or experiment. Would you be comfortable with trying this with me?" Worst case it's a dealbreaker and the relationship ends, best case you give her a chance to have an honest discussion on what she wants from sex and see if it's compatible with you. Good luck.
There is, unfortunately, no magic way of conveying this information that wont scare off a lot of women. The reason for your past experiences isnt the way you tell people, its that most people want penetrative sex as part of a relationship.
This DOESNT mean you are doomed to repeating this experience over and over however - you just need to be more selective about who you date. I would highly recommend looking into support groups for Vaginissimus sufferers (for whom penatrative sex is painful) or even asexual people who are not aromantic and telling your story there.
As odd as it sounds, there is a lot of sense in trying to date women who have their own disability which will make them compatible or at least understanding of yours.
I do think not telling girls fairly early on (a few dates at most) is pretty unreasonable. A month is a long time!
Well dude, it is pretty complicated.
In my case, I Have HIV, and normally go trough something similar, like "When is a good time to tell them?" "Why if they run away ?" "what if I wait too long and they see me as a liar?".
In my case, all the girls I have tol about my condition have been ok, I normally wait for a few dates, and when things start getting sexual I will have the talk with them, they deserve to know before there is anything sexual happen.
So , just be honest, and I think it is great you are ok with this and have come to accept it.
Bonus question : Can you ejaculate? are kids an option?
Also, read out the "She Comes first" book, and get your tongue and finger game to the next level
This isn't very helpful to you right now but might be in the future - have you considered seeking out bi/pansexual partners? I'm pansexual, which means I'm attracted to people of all genders. This includes men without 'traditional' penises (ie usually trans men but obviously there are lots of cis men without penises too.) A woman who's dated women and/or men without penises before might be less likely to walk out. I know for a fact I wouldn't walk out on you based on your genitals and I'm horrified and saddened that this has been a repeating experience for you.
I personally wouldn't care as long as you're willing to use a strap on at least some of the time. So maybe she's the same. What a woman hears when you tell them you don't have a penis is that you can't have "regular"sex and can't have kids. But if you went into the conversation explaining the important parts as well I would lead with those.
And not to make light of your situation but I would play up the fact that she would have the option of having sex with any kind of penis she liked. She could choose! Big? HUGE? Vibrating? Made of glass? Made of rotating pearls? Unlimited options and she'd never have to worry about the toy competing with your penis and making you feel insecure because you'd be the source of all the
If she doesn't go for it there's definitely someone out there who will. Maybe it's time you joined a dating website specifically for people with alternative sexual lifestyles. If she for whatever reason doesn't want to continue a relationshis you should consider fetlife or something similar but for actually dating someone.
Instead of dating someone who you have to "break the news" to you could date someone who already knows from when you spoke online and see if they are compatible in others areas of your life.
Good luck with this girl. I hope she can see that while you not having a penis is a hurdle its not the end of the line. Im at least one heterosexual female who wouldn't balk if confronted with this situation.
so i'm a guy without a penis too, except i'm transgender so it's not due to an accident. whenever i date people (men in my case) i have to tell them that my genitals are not what they are expecting at some point.
for me, i wait to tell people until it is clear to me that this person is interested in things becoming sexual. this can be as early as a first date or as late as a few weeks in - it really depends on the person and how fast things move. i dont tell people before that because i dont want to waste the stress of disclosing on someone who would turn out not to be interested anyway. sometiems its been as late as right before sex, sometimes earlier, sometimes its resutled in a long conversation, sometimes it hasnt cos they dont really care at all. you have to adjust to the other person i think.
i dont want people to think that i am not interested in a sexual relationship with them if i am, so if its looking like things are heading that way and i am interested, that is when i will tell them. however, you may feel differently - you might want to tell people you want to take it slow or not. that's up to you.
the problem is is that the longer you wait, and the longer both of have to build an emotional attachment to eachother, the higher the stakes get for telling someone. you may find this builds a bond that allows you to overcome your disability, or you may find that you end up really liking someone and more hurt if it ends badly. so thats the disadvantage.
you havent really said here whether you want to have sex with people, or whether youre interested in using prosthetics etc to still have the experience of fucking someone (it's still fun i promise, even though i know its not the same). when you tell girls, are you taking penetrative sex off the table, or are you open minded to trying stuff to make it work for both of you? as i think thats important. and i think your disclosure needs to discuss exactly what you are and aren't ok with, so it's not just left for them to assume how sex is going to look with you.
i think honestly the important thing is you do what makes you comfortable. you are the one who has to deal with this disability for the rest of your life - the other person can totally forget about this if they want to stop dating and move on, but it's your life, so you have to find a way that works for you.
There are already numerous comments, but I'll throw in my two cents.
First, there are many people out there who won't care about this issue. Some will, so perhaps you need to have a thick skin about it, but be confident that there is someone out there for you. I knew a guy about 15 years ago who had recently been in an automobile accident, which left him a quadriplegic... I just saw a newspaper article and he was married with two kids and doing exceptionally well. So, be confident, stiff upper lip and all that.
Second, practically speaking, you will need to find a plan that works for you.
My first thought was to find someone that is pansexual (which I used to think was a silly term to distinguish from 'bisexual', but your case is an example where there is an important difference between the two).
My second thought would be to find a woman who doesn't care about penetration -- there are many.
My third thought would be to think about having an open relationship so she can have sex with a penis if she wants.
These are all just suggestions. The key point is that you have to find something that works for you and your future partner. We have this silly notion that love and sex are coupled together, but they don't have to be. Also, sex can mean many things other than penis-in-vagina and a lot of women/people know that. You have many options... you'll be fine.
My final thought is that you have been doing just fine with communicating the lack of penis issue.
I think what you're doing is right, but it can be hard to find someone who can handle your condition.
I do know a number of people who identify as "asexual" which means they have no sexual urges and prefer to not have sex in relationships. Perhaps getting involved with that community might yield better results.
Or you can follow up the conversation about your condition with your skills in foreplay. I mean, many people may see a relationship with you as sexless, but there are many other ways to enjoy each other sexually without actual penis in vagina sex. You can do so much with toys now-a-days.
Damn dude, that sucks. However, do not get discouraged. Hell, I just came from reading that post about the girl that pretty much doesn't want to have sex ever, so those kind of girls are also out there!
I'd tell her sooner rather than later, because chances are you'll get more emotionally invested as time passes, and if she does choose to end the relationship it would hurt even worse.
I personally wouldn't care as long as you didn't mind wearing a strap on for me. You have your balls, so you can still father children.
Someone out there won't mind. That being said, this is definitely big and you shouldn't tell people on the first date. Definitely before you become exclusive though, and obviously before you have sex. Just feel it out. Make sure there is a clear physical and emotional connection first.
This is a tough situation, and I am very sorry for what you are going through. I think your attitude and acceptance of your situation is amazing, and I do not believe that it means you will never have a relationship.
I am not sure that there is a time in a traditional relationship to divulge this information that will improve the chances that the person you are seeing will stay with you. On the assumption that what you want is a monogamous relationship, a future means a lifetime of never having traditional sex again...which is a heavy burden on a new relationship that doesn't have a strong foundation yet. If you wait the months or years for deep attachment to set in before revealing your situation, the relationship will struggle with trust and anger issues on top of everything else.
My thoughts are that the best time to reveal your situation is at the gates, before the first date. There are many women out there who would be perfectly fine with your body as it is, but rather than throwing stones randomly to try and find one, you would probably have more luck if you set it up so they could find you.
Good luck! I would tell any girl you meet at the one month mark. That is long enough for them to make a decision if that is a life they could live with. Btw, there are some women that cannot have sex.... anything inserted into their V causes excruciating pain... a girl like that would be perfect you. Or some woman are totally asexual.... i watched a documentary on Netflix about that... they want to date and find love, but no sex.
Adding to all the comments saying you're already doing it right. Reveal early-ish, not first date, but a month in sounds about right, and be realistic. However, in the words of Dan Savage, don't roll this news out like it's cancer! It's all about positive spin. Tell the truth, briefly and without gory details (I was in an accident, and I lost my penis) but then talk about all the other stuff you want to and can do with her. If you're not practiced at oral/fingering/nipple play/a hundred and one other sex acts you can do without a penis, say that you want to explore with her and figure out what she likes. Read up. Visit a sex toy shop with a female focus (like Babeland) and ask for advice. Tell her how you feel about her and put emphasis on what you CAN and WANT to do, not what you can't.
We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.