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Man's GF of 5 Years Ghosts Him With A Note Delivered By A Waiter—And We've Got Questions

Imagine - your partner of three years vanishes while you're on a date. What do you do?

throwawayyyyyyyy555 asked Reddit for its advice, and it didn't go very well for him.

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.


I don't really know how to start this but I'm so confused and hurt right now.

Backstory: I've known M for 5 years and we've been friends for the first 2 years and then she told me she liked me in a another way and we got closer and got together. She's always been so sweet and loving and we've only ever had a few small fights but who doesn't right?

For the record the last week or so nothing has been off at all, I haven't noticed any behaviour changes or anything to suggest something's not right.


So last night I took her out on a date (we do this about once a week if we can, both of us work full time so it's always a dinner date) and I took her to this nice Italian place we like to go to and all was going well. We got drinks, ordered food, conversation was going well she was happy. she looks at her phone for about a minute once our conversation dies down a bit and I'm fine with that, (I've never minded her checking her phone for a minute or two if we're not talking as long as she's not on it the whole time of course). I never go on my phone when we're on a date so I was just observing my surroundings and looking at her and she suddenly started to look a-bit anxious. She doesn't make eye contact with me and says she has to go to the toilet. I say ok that's fine, didn't really think much of it. 5 minutes later the waiter comes over and she says that my date left and hands me a note she was told to give me from her, it says "I'm really sorry I can't do this." I was suddenly really worried that something was wrong so I asked for the bill before the food even arrived and left. I texted her as soon as I got out but no reply, so I tried to message her on Facebook but she has me blocked???? What the f*ck did I do? I went back to my apartment where we both stay and she wasn't there and I don't know where else she could have gone so I sent her another text saying I was really worried and I need to know she's ok. No reply. Ended up falling asleep about 2am and wake up today to nothing still. It's like she just ghosted me, her stuff's still in the apartment but there's no sign of her so I don't know what to do. What can I do? I'm hopeless right now and I feel broken and I'm so worried about her. Any advice would be great.

Edit: Found her bank card, passport and purse at the apartment. No sign of anything planned by her.

Update: Have contacted the school where she works, she hasn't gone in and they haven't received any notification from her saying she wouldn't come in. Messaged her mother explaining the situation and still no response. Texted her best friend and she hasn't heard from her either, I asked her to try to get in contact with her. At this point I just want to know she's ok.

Update: Calling the police now

Update: Police said they are going to be investigating it but also told me that she will probably be found in 24-48 hours (god I hope).

Update: Her mum called me back and has heard nothing from her, she's very angry at me for not telling her sooner(she said specifically the night she left) and then hung up. Doesn't seem to understand that I'm also extremely worried. She sees it as me doing something but I don't know what I could've done. What else can I do, all these replies of different possibilities are making me feel so worried I feel physically sick.

Not a bad suggestion.

When the restaurant opens call and ask the manager if there is security cameras and if recorded. Explain your girlfriend is missing and you want to see If she left via foot or by car since she only came with you via car. They can look at tell you one way or the other and you can then tell the officers. This way they will save that portion and it's not written over if it already hasn't been.

carrac1234

And if that isn't possible, I'd be curious to find out more from the waiter who took the note.

pantaloon_at_noon

She can't get far without her ID.

Call her mom and leave a message telling her you're filing a missing persons report with the police. You don't have to wait 24 hours if you feel someone might be in Danger. Also tell her friends this as well. The fact you have her passport and money card would seem to indicate she is close by. I hope things are okay but this comes across as an endangered person case. I wish you and your girl good luck.

Jitterbug2018

Make sure you are safe too and get a friend or someone to stay with you. Don't be alone, you need someone to keep you chill too.

im_chill_guy

Can't hurt.

File a missing person report ASAP.

MaseOne

Yes! She hasn't got her stuff, hasn't gone to work. I'd be hella worried, and would probably do this.

ChubbyDreams

Yeah, people go through great lengths to ghost someone if they feel like they need to. But leaving your damn passport?!?

SonOfMcGee

The whole situation is bizarre.

It's so curious that she went to the trouble to block you on Facebook, but doesn't have her purse or bank card with her (just thinking about her thoughts around priorities). Did she not have those things when she was out to dinner with you? How about her phone charger? How did she leave the restaurant? Uber or does she have her own car - or maybe someone picked her up? Sorry - my inner-Nancy Drew is kicking in.

This is truly a mystery and I'm sure you're feeling incredibly anxious not knowing where she is or what's happening.

The Facebook thing, though - - there's something to that; so strange...

dizzywombat

OP, were you "in a relationship" with her on Facebook?

My spidey senses are tingling.

Edit:

OP, I'm just spitballing, but when you block someone not only are you unfriended and you you can not see them or their posts, but all communal pictures are untagged.

In other words, the block may a way to prevent people from finding your identity. If you were not "in a relationship" before, and if anything weird is going on, this may be a way to shield or protect you from something or someone who knows she is in a relationship, but doesn't know with whom.

Edit: OP confirms downthread they were not "in a relationship" on FB Hmmmm.....well, if she is trying to hide OP from someone who as of now doesn't have his identity, this would be the way to do it.

DirkDiggler_Chiraq

Could there be something sinister going on?

From OP's post and the comments I've been reading in this post, there is not enough information to make a judgement call. I'm not even sure she dumped you. You're right to assume she might be in danger or trouble or blackmailed by someone. Especially if you think she isn't the type to cheat and know this behaviour is quite sudden. This is some scary stuff my friend but stay strong and ask a friend to help you out on this, and if at worse, call the po po.

toiletrollzz

From replies I'm getting concerned about the possibility of blackmail, it would make sense of why it was so sudden but I don't know if I should contact the police yet. Some people say I should but others disagree. If it is blackmail is this a good idea? What should I do? I just want to do what's best for her but I'm so worried I will cause a bigger problem for her if this is the case, does anyone know what to do in this situation of blackmail is the case? Please if you know what I can do please let me know.

throwawayyyyyyyy555

Dude, police. Now.

DoomsdayHoliday

The Original Posters Had Updates

Update: Have contacted the school where she works, she hasn't gone in and they haven't received any notification from her saying she wouldn't come in. Messaged her mother explaining the situation and still no response. Texted her best friend and she hasn't heard from her either, I asked her to try to get in contact with her. At this point I just want to know she's ok.

Update: Calling the police now

Update: Police said they are going to be investigating it but also told me that she will probably be found in 24-48 hours (god I hope).

Update: Her mum called me back and has heard nothing from her, she's very angry at me for not telling her sooner(she said specifically the night she left) and then hung up. Doesn't seem to understand that I'm also extremely worried. She sees it as me doing something but I don't know what I could've done. What else can I do, all these replies of different possibilities are making me feel so worried I feel physically sick.

She wasn't depressed, so OP says.

Is she depressed or suicidal?

Dontcreepon_me

She hasn't acted strangely at all recently until when we were out and she looked worried and went to the bathroom, she didn't even look at me when she said it which is strange for when we're out on a date she's usually pretty good with eye contact. Other than that I haven't picked up on anything strange about her recently.

throwawayyyyyyyy555

Suicidal people don't just get up in the middle of a fancy dinner and go "IT IS TIME!" and storm off to the nearest bridge.

  • I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for years and my best friend killed himself last year so I'm allowed to make jokes.

viixvega

Nor does he think she was cheating.

Do you think maybe she's been cheating on you and the person she's been seeing maybe sent her a text threatening to out her to you? I'm just thinking of her reaction to text and then abruptly leaving. Just a theory as I would have no more clue than you. But just my first thought reading this.

juleshgio75

I don't think she would ever cheat but you never know, honestly at this point I would much rather her telling me she's cheated then not contacting me.

throwawayyyyyyyy555

One bold commentor thinks the story is fake. They make some valid points

Ok I'm usually trusting to a fault, but there are a lot of weird aspects to your story that don't add up. Each one by itself would be easily overlooked or forgiven, but I think most of us will agree this story is pretty bizarre when looked at as a whole:

  • You're posting from a throw-away. Not a big deal in itself, but let's keep this on the backburner.
  • "I've never minded her checking her phone for a minute or two if we're not talking". I glossed over that at first, but in the context of the rest of your story, that is a subtle indicator of controlling behavior.
  • You say that you "went back to the apartment where we both stay", but in a reply to another comment, you state she doesn't have a key. Your girlfriend of three years doesn't have a key to the apartment you share? Huge red flag.
  • You found her purse, bank card, etc. in the apartment. Ok, great news. But in a reply to a different comment you say she keeps her ID in your wallet when you go out? That might be an even bigger red flag than the key thing.
  • The phone switch-a-roo isn't a big deal, but it's still weird. At one point you say she has an iPhone, and you have an Android, and then later amend that it's the opposite? Perhaps you were in a hurry, but I find it hard to believe that someone can deliberately type out the words "I have an Android" when they in fact use an iPhone.
  • The gf's mom hangs up on you. So you're the last person to see this woman's child alive and in good health, but shehangs up on you? Weird.
  • You posted over 100 replies in two hours on reddit, but didn't think to blast out a message on Facebook to everyone you know in real life to help you with this, despite being so concerned that you made a police report?

So in summary, your long-term girlfriend: a) doesn't have a key to her own apartment, b) doesn't control her own ID, c) doesn't even take a purse on date night, and d) leaves you via handwritten note given to an anonymous waiter. And your solution is to post anonymously on reddit for advice rather than reach out to your shared network of friends and family on Facebook.

There are plenty of indicators of abuse here (or even human trafficking), but as a trusting and somewhat naive person, I'm more inclined to say this is just fake. It does, however, somewhat echo the famous post by the guy who killed his girlfriend and then posted on reddit that she fell and hit her head as some kind of flimsy alibi.

icarusbird

The biggest thing that stands out to me honestly is that her mom hung up on him. That's not normal behavior... A concerned mom would stay on the phone until she got every single detail to find her daughter, not hang up and leave the rest for her to ponder about.

godawgs695

^ I know for a fact that if my boyfriend called my mom to tell her "hey your daughter disappeared the other night, has none of her personal belongings, and of all her loved ones, I'm the last person who saw her" my mother would physically hunt him down to find out what the fuck is going on.

So is the girlfriend's mother just a detached parent? If this behavior is so unusual and completely out of the blue unexpected, why would her mother be so (from what we know) unphased?

catlynpurrce

Did OP drive her away?

Did you kill her? The wife watches a lot of ID channel and you could just be preparing your cover story.

Notyourpappi

My thoughts as well. Or it could have been an abusive relationship and she finally had it and left everything behind without saying her whereabouts for her own safety.

MadMantis89

That's what I'm thinking, especially as OP has avoided giving specific details on certain things, like why she wasn't carrying her purse and why she didn't have a key.

I was in a relationship for 2.5 years with a controlling man. When I finally got the courage to break up with him, he said, "You can't do this." He was seriously telling me I was required to remain with him. His claim was that everything was fine and I just suddenly left.

OP's gf was either cheating and didn't want to live a double life, or she was escaping an abusive situation for her own well-being. Coworkers and friends can cover for someone if they know what's up.

___no_identity___

For some, the story just doesn't add up.

I've been the girl that's done the disappearing act.

Passports and bank cards are replaceable. They're also good decoys to leave behind. If you leave something important like that, the person you're escaping from takes a little longer to look for you.

Why did I do it? He was abusive. I didn't have a key to the house we shared. He was home more than me, so he thought i didn't need a key. I was allowed to go to work, and sometimes to my parents' house, but other than that i was to be accompanied by him at all times. If i so much as smiled at a waiter, i could expect all hell to break loose when we got home.

In that situation, when you know you have to get out or he's going to eventually kill you, you plan your escape very carefully. You only take the things you absolutely can't replace. You find the right time and place to run that will give you enough of a head start. You have your mom pick you up, and you go into hiding for a few weeks until after the hearing for a request for a no contact order.

And when he calls your mom, she feigns ignorance of the situation and pretends to be mad at him for not informing her right away.

Your boss is aware of the situation and either covers for you and says you aren't there when you really are, or he lets you take a leave of absence.

The few friends that have stuck around when he was trying to isolate you truly have no idea where you are or what happened to you, and they're worried.

And what is he doing this whole time? He's telling everyone how unexpected this was and how happy they were together, and he's doing his damndest to make her look like the bad one while trying to paint himself as a caring, loving martyr.

Maybe that's not the case here, but it sure does echo like it.

EDIT: Thank you, kind strangers, for the Silver, Gold, and Platinum! I appreciate all your positive comments and messages of encouragement! My escape happened years ago, and although i still hold some resentment for him, i have successfully recovered from the ordeal emotionally, with only a few physical scars to show for it.

There is life after abuse, and it is beautiful.

McConStRude

Coming from an abusive guy who had a girl do the disappearing act to him before he cleaned up his act, this is your best answer. also probably why we're not getting very much information from OP and seemingly being left in the dark as quote unquote "nothing was wrong."

I bet my top dollar original poster is an abusive boyfriend.

Medootthanks

An Update From The Original Poster

UPDATE: I'm so f*cking relieved right now, u/drlitt DM'd me with the idea to ask her friend to check when she was last online on facebook, i forgot that was even a thing since she had me blocked and i thought facebook would be a dead end. She checked and it said she was last online 1 hour ago. I'm feeling so relieved to know that this must mean that shes alright or at least in contact with someone. She's told me shes messaged her and now were waiting for a reply. Thanks for the support everyone its incredibly hard to look through nevermind reply to the 2500 comments already on the post so thanks so much for hanging in there. Please remember to DM me especially if you have an idea of what else i can do as tbh I don't really know what to do from here and its really hard to find useful info in the replies with the amount of people spamming "fake" and "abuse" in the already ridiculous sized comment section. Thanks again everyone ill try my best to keep you all updated.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Hello everyone, i am writing this at 7am, last night she came home at 12, she looks in an absolute state. I still have no idea what happened but she was really shaking and seemed really pleased to see me. She said she didn't want to talk about what happened but said she was ok. Literally went straight to sleep. I got some sleep earlier so I've just stayed awake the whole night looking over her waiting for her to wake up. No I'm not being controlling or an abuser before I get spammed, I'm just so relieved that shes finally safe and right now it would be the worst nightmare for me to wake up and have her missing. Since I don't know what caused her to go in the first place if it was some kind of panic attack or something (i don't know what these are like) then theres a chance she could go wake up and panic and run off or something? I don't really know but i'm just going to make sure shes ok when she wakes up. Thanks everyone for what you've suggested i should be doing for the last day it's really been useful and i don't know what kind of a mental state i would be in right now if I didn't have you guys to support me and the people calling fake and abuse to get annoyed and vent at so thanks so much everyone. Another update will come later on what i know then but right now my priority is her. Hope you all understand.

Have you ever had a significant other ghost you?

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