Mother Violates Daughter's Privacy By Reading And Writing In Diary, And The Internet Have Feelings
Imagine it - your mother finds your diary, reads it, and adds notes to your memories to make herself look like the victim. It's classic narcissistic behavior, and can result in deeply-held feelings of resentment and betrayal.
justachillgirlfriend feels violated and isn't sure how or if she should confront her mother.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Not only did she read my personal notebook (journal, diary, what have you), but she didn't just leave me a note. She tried to blend it in and make it look like it was something I had written. This happened several months ago and I just now discovered it; I had been writing about a depressive episode I was dealing with, "Why do I feel and sound so insane" and then SHE wrote, "when I talk to my mom". It caught my eye because I wouldn't write that, and then I realized that it wasn't in my handwriting, and remembered that I had taken the notebook with me on a visit to her a few months ago.
I'm so appalled, I've never felt so violated. I'm also deeply disgusted with how pathetic and sick this is, what kind of person does something like this? We don't have a great relationship, we haven't since I was about 11 or 12 and started having friends and activities that she couldn't be a part of or control. I left home at 19 and never looked back, I've been totally independent of her since then, but we do still have a relationship mostly because I feel guilty if we don't. She causes me tremendous amounts of anxiety. I don't feel like she's ever seen me as a person, but merely an extension of herself. I can hardly stand to talk to her as it is and if I want us to have a "good" conversation, I have a couple glasses of wine first.
I haven't addressed it with her, both because I'm not sure how to but also because I have a feeling she'll pretend she has no idea what I'm talking about or brush it off as if it were a minor thing like she always does when I try to confront her about something. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her, not that I did. I know I'm still angry but ultimately I just want her to get help; only a truly miserable person would do something like this.
Maybe I'm just venting, but if anyone has any insight or experience or just anything at all, I would really appreciate it. I feel uncomfortable even talking to my boyfriend or friends who have met her about it because I'm so embarrassed for her that she's this insane.
TL;DR: My mom wrote in my journal, but tried to make it seem like I had written something about her (I know, it's insane)
Seek therapy, this is not normal.
Honestly, talking to her will do no good. This is seriously invasive and probably only the tip of the iceberg. I'd try to distance myself and find a therapist to help you figure out how much contact to have in the future. I'd personally only be ok with very low contact.
All signs point to emotional abuse.
she just makes me miserable
That's pretty much the baseline for a toxic relationship. The other part of a toxic relationship is when the person making you miserable refuses to stop.
Remember, please, that abuse does not just equal physical or sexual assaults. Emotional abuse is a very real thing, and this honestly has some of the hallmarks.
Consider cutting off mom.
She will pretend she has no idea what you are talking about. AND if you show her the actual evidence and point to the physical page, she will STILL pretend she has no idea what you're talking about. She will absolutely double-down and try to convince you that you wrote it and now you sound TRULY crazy by trying to insist she wrote it.
You can't win this one. The only way to win with a narc is to not play the game. Don't engage. Limit your contact. No more visits. Don't initiate contact with her and only respond to her texts/emails/phone calls when she behaves appropriately.
I took that route with my own narc mother. I wouldn't "feed" her narc supply by engaging with her when she said crazy sh*t. I would only respond when she talked to me like a rational, adult human. She got so fed up with that that she accused me of "divorcing" her, sent me a truly crazy message about how much I hate her, and stopped speaking to me.
Life is much better now.
This is blatant gaslighting. You're not going to get anything but frustration out of confronting her, because she'll just deny it and use it as another opportunity to make you seem crazy.
Focus on yourself instead. Find a therapist or counselor you can talk to about it, and who can work with you on your feelings of guilt. You owe her nothing and you need to do what's best for yourself.
Confront, but stand your ground.
Bring your diary when you see her, pull it out, say "we need to talk about this." Show her the page and explain how you feel violated and appalled. If she tries to cut you off and argue, just walk away. Don't feed into it.
You have every right to be upset!! That is a terrible, weird thing to do! She needs some help...
I don't have advice I'm just BAFFLED by what that even means. Did she write anything else? Also please join us at /r/raisedbynarcissists
A total lack of empathy.
Because narcissists are literally unable to separate themselves from other people, or see people as anything other than extensions of themselves.
In her Mom's NPD Head, she probably felt like she was just finishing OP's thought for her. Because, of course, OP is unable to have independent thoughts that belong to only her.
Boundaries are a lost cause.
So there is a concept in psychology, it is called 'boundaries.' It is learned in early childhood. A young baby does not make any distinction between itself, its surrounding environment, and its parents; all those things are just stuff, and baby is just finding out about stuff. Later a baby can distinguish 'me' from 'other stuff' but it takes a long, long time to get the idea that 'mom', for example, is a particular individual piece of stuff the same that 'me' is.
Later on there are all kinds of boundaries people are supposed to learn, building on these early lessons about self and other. These lessons are part of the bedrock of what psychologists call personality; personality is sort of the way people go about the work of having an identity. Turns out if you get derailed along the path, and your personality is weakened by childhood experiences, you may never learn some of the important, foundational lessons about boundaries.
Your mom's obviously in that place. It's next to impossible for someone her age to repair the shortcomings; I recommend distance, and, when you can muster it, pity.
Try goading mom into stopping, perhaps.
One thing I did with my mom was to write about her in my diary and "forget" it in a place that she'd see. So write about how you feel when invades your privacy, but also be tactical and sugar coat it.
"All I want is to be close with here etc etc but I feel sad when she does etc etc."
"My mom thinks I am this and that, but really my intentions are only to make her happy etc etc."
I tried so many methods but this one was the only thing that stopped my mom from snooping around.
Cut her off and move on.
Drop her completely from your life. Play whatever mind games you need to convince yourself not to feel guilty, because you aren't, at all.