'My Sister Is Trying To Kill Me!' Parents Share The Worst Things They Caught Their Children Doing.

Don't worry, Dr. Freud. They aren't all about sex.

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Well. Not ALL of them.

This piece is based on the answers to a Quora question. Link on the last page.


1/11. I came home from work one day to a horrendous smell. Following my nose to the kids' bathroom, I saw my daughter, then maybe 9, with a Barbie doll. Barbie was naked, and her hair had been chopped off. My daughter was holding Barbie by her little neck over the sink, and had a lighter at Barbie's foot.

"Talk!" my daughter screamed, as Barbie's foot melted into the sink. "I told you to talk!"

My first thought was that my daughter should not have had access to a lighter, so I asked her where she got it. "Oh, it was with daddy's cigarettes," she told me, sweet as could be.

"What are you doing with Barbie?" I asked her, trying to keep my voice calm. My little daughter's eyes hardened and she nearly snarled, "She won't give up enemy secrets, so I have to torture her!"

This was out of character for my daughter, and we were not a household that condoned torture, under any circumstances, so that really took me by surprise.

"OK, honey, can you maybe find a way to torture Barbie that won't release toxic fumes?"

My daughter thought about it for a moment. "Sure," she cheerfully told me.

"And honey, please give me the lighter." She handed it right over.

To this day, I don't know what secrets a plastic doll might have held, or what methods were next employed, although I did find a plastic arm on the floor some time later.

My daughter did not grow up to be a serial killer or to work for an intelligence agency, but rather, for non-profit arts organizations. She opposes torture and thinks that all people, including prisoners, should be treated with dignity. She is very kind to people and animals. I have never witnessed any cruelty, except for that one incident, which is still a bit alarming to remember.

-Eleanor Lang

2/11. I have a camera in my home office (lots of confidential and sensitive files), and my kid doesn't know about it. So that means I get to watch what he does in there when I'm not around. (continued...)


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He s actually been doing something rather clever. He scrapes the grades off of his report card with an exacto knife (you can scrape toner ink off of paper), then he prints the grades he wants on a piece of paper, then he lines up his report card over the grades and tapes his report card over the paper, and runs it through the printer again, so the grades print exactly where he wants.

I'd call him out on it but frankly I'm impressed. If he worked half as hard on his grades he'd be a genius.

-slicksoccaballa

3/11. Caught my three-year-old son trying to stick batteries up his butt, saying that he "needed more energy."

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-hiddenbehindamask

4/11. I walked into the kitchen one day to see my 4 year old son cleaning the counter with a piece of ham. He then went over to the sink, washed off the piece of ham and then tried to eat it.

I mean, at least he washed it first...

-Link-To-The-Pastiche

5/11. Sleepwalking kids are the scariest people ever.

When my son was 2, I found him one night just standing in the middle of the hallway staring at the empty wall. I asked "what are you doing baby?" He just pointed at the wall and started screaming. When the screaming stopped, he simply laid down in the middle of the floor and slept.

He also likes to stand in my room. I'll wake up and he'll just be standing in the middle of the room. He won't respond, move, make noise. Most of the time he's not even looking at me. It's so unnerving. A child who's awake will respond or look at you, but a sleepwalking child reminds me of the nurses from Silent Hill.

-Ladyingreypyjamas

6/11. I was in the kitchen of our small 2 bedroom apartment when all grew quiet. That is unusual when you have a a 20 month old daughter who is a monkey-type climber, and a 4 month old baby boy. (continued...)


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So I went to their bedroom to investigate. To my horror, I saw the 20 month old girl inside my infant son's crib.

She was sitting on her own regular sized bed pillow from under which one little foot was frantically kicking. She had a very guilty look on her face. I pushed her aside, picked up the pillow, and there lay my tiny baby gasping for breath.

My first reaction was relief that he was alive. My second reaction was horror that the beautiful little toddler with the big innocent eyes was capable of murder.

I don't remember now these 53 years later how I disciplined her. A spank on her well padded bottom? Time out? Anyway, I never caught her doing anything like that again.

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Later a friend told me that the older baby, not knowing what murder was, would not have had the goal of murdering the younger baby. Maybe she just didn't want to hear his babbling.

-Liz Marsh

7/11. Talk about irony. I originally answered this question with a story about how my daughter attempted to seriously injure (or as my middle child exclaimed, "My sister is trying to kill me!") her sister by throwing a rock at her, missing, and shattering our glass table, instead.

In that answer, I pointed out that my daughters, now aged 17 and 15, get along just great and that my eldest daughter has turned into quite the artist with a dark, twisted sensibility about her work.

I posted an example of her work. The answer received a lot of great comments. But here is where the devastating irony kicks in. An astute observer commented that the sketch my daughter made was actually the work of another artist. (continued...)


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Skeptical, I looked that artist up and browsed their work. Stylistically, the work of this other artist and the work of my daughter definitely had similarities, especially in how the eyes and teeth of these monsters that my daughter created were drawn.

But then, I ran across it... the very sketch of my daughter's that I had posted was on this other artist's website... line for line. And then another one of my daughter's sketches appeared on this other artist's site. Then another. And another. And another.

The thing that my child is doing that I wish I had never seen? My talented daughter is stealing ideas from another artist. This sort of thing can ruin her professional career before she even has a chance to start it, not to mention the financial and legal ramifications plagiarism can bring.

What is really heartbreaking, though, is that she truly has talent. This all boils down to absolute laziness.

Rather than developing her own ideas, she finds something she likes, emulates it, and claims it as her own. Simple laziness. Laziness that can have some extreme consequences.

I apologize to those who commented on her work, believing that the work was hers. I, too, was fooled, or I would have never posted it. So, that is the one thing my child has done that I wish I would have never seen. It's devastating.

-Dan Harvell

8/11. I came back home from a long, hard day at work. I just felt like going to the bathroom, taking a nice hot bath, and then napping, but I knew it was a far fetched dream for me, a mother of a 2-year-old boy and a 5-year-old girl.

When I went in the house, the first thing I noticed was that it was dead silent. DEAD SILENT. Trust me, if you knew my kids, you'd know that it meant they were either up to no good, or that something terrible had happened. (continued...)


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So I rush to their room, and to my horror, I see my 2 year old boy ON TOP of my 5 year old girl FRENCH KISSING her. They didn't notice I was there at first, so my daughter then FLIPS her brother so she's on top, and the kissing continues.

GET OFF YOUR BROTHER!

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That was my first reaction. I yelled and yelled, they cried, and then I grounded them. Then I realised this may not solve the problem, and they might try doing it again behind my back. So I decided to talk to them about it. They said they first saw it on TV, and felt like trying it, and that they didn't know it was wrong.

After that, I never let my kids watch TV on their own. To all the parents out there, please don't make the same mistake I did. TV can affect our children's behavior in so many ways. In my case, in ways I never expected.

-Anonymous

9/11. I looked fondly at my two sons, the infant lying swaddled on our big bed in front of his brother, 3 years old. "Isn't he a beautiful baby?" I said to the 3-year-old. He smiled, leaned forward, and made a chopping motion with his hand over the baby's neck. "Hack, hack, hack!" he said.

-Colleen McCahill

10/11. Once, when my son was only 3 and my daughter was 1, I was watching a movie and hadnt noticed my son wandering off to his grandparents room.

He had been in there unattended for about 20 minutes (his grandparents had gone out for a few hours) which usually meant he had the tv on and was jumping on the bed or something. The worst he had ever done when left alone in there was drawing all over the walls with his grandmothers markers.

But no, this time when I went in to run him out of there it was a much more awkward situation. (continued...)


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My son had gotten into his grandfathers dresser and found some super glue. For reasons I still to this day havent figured out, he had stripped his clothes off (Im guessing it was just because it was hot that day) and while super gluing together random objects (his grandfathers glasses were glued to a plate, and there was a glob of glued items on his grandmothers side table) some of the glue had dripped into his lap.

When I walked in, he was freaking out, desperately trying to remove his penis and scrotum from his leg where they were stuck. Within a couple of minutes, his grandparents had arrived home, and with them my brother-in-law, and we had a full house of people to witness this brief lapse in parental oversight.

We got him unglued, but Im surprised the little guy didnt die of embarrassment.

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-Eric Wilson

11/11. I walked in on my teenage daughter and her boyfriend partly naked and fooling around! In the living room (which was completely open to the upstairs and the kitchen), while our house was being packed by a team of movers!

The boyfriend actually saw me looking at them and must have seen the shock on my face. I just walked right past and went upstairs, where I had been heading. But I could only stay there so long.

When I finally got up the courage to go back downstairs, they were, much to my disgust, still engaged! I finally found some words to tell them to cut it out and find someplace private.

My issue was not that she was sexually active (I knew that). It was the exhibitionism of it and the boyfriends complete disregard for my embarrassment.

She didnt seem to realize how distasteful the experience was until I asked her how shed feel if she walked in on me and her father in the same situation. She almost threw up.

-Anonymous

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Secretly, we all fear having birthdays like the one in Sixteen Candles, where nobody shows up and we're forced to deal with how lonely we feel as people. But sometimes, people have things happen on their birthday that put Molly Ringwald to shame.

It stinks to have your special day go sour. Moreover, it hurts, that if whatever happened was bad enough, you will never be able to not associate your birthday with that awful thing.

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