'Nothing Matters. I Had Sex.' Hilarious Stories Of One Night Stands Gone Wrong.

In the age of Tinder and Grindr etc., regrettable one-time hook-ups are more common than ever. On the bright side, that means funny stories about regrettable one-time hook-ups are also on the rise.

via GIPHY

This piece is based on AskReddit threads. Link on the last page.


1/18. I went home with a girl who I thought wanted to have sex. We were fooling around, getting pretty heavy. She was clearly into me, but when I went to make a move, she gently pushed me away and said, "Nobody can ever make me feel as good as I can, but it's better when someone watches."

She wanted me to sit there and watch her pleasure herself. Turns out I had an early meeting.

-Anonymous

2/18. I wake up to him yelling. What?! My dad wasn't supposed to come home so early! (He had told me he just lived with roommates.)

He tells me to jump in his closet even though I'm fully nude and my clothes are in the living room. I start to argue but he insists, so I get in there. For the next hour, I hear them making smalltalk.

I realize I really have to pee, but they just drag on and I'm dancing around. And then the guy I slept with left for work!!!

Now I can hear the dad making breakfast downstairs and just settling in. I panic, how am I gonna get my clothes?!

Forget my clothes, I'll use his! So I took some stuff from the closet and ran for my life full speed through the house with sex hair and a long men's shirt down to my knees.

As I booked it to my car, I heard the dad yell: "you can do better!" You know what? He was right.

-Anonymous

3/18. I was studying abroad for a semester in Brazil, and the university had one night a week where their students would take the exchange students out on the town.

Usually, it would be a club or bar, or sometimes just drinking on the beach. This one night we were at a club, and for some reason I indulged myself a lot more than usual. It was my first blackout.

I woke up the next morning in a strange room, strange bed, with a cute Brazilian girl beside me. She wakes up and I quickly realize she doesn't speak any English. (continued...)


Keep reading on the next page!

This was only a couple weeks into my stay, so my Portuguese was practically nonexistent to be honest. My wallet was missing, my shirt was ripped. She wanted to go another round that morning (which I did so I could at least remember it this time).

But then I realized I was in an area of the city that isn't exactly the safest. Had to break out her computer and use Google translate to tell her to call me a cab, and then have her loan me money to get back to my dorm. Oh, and replacing credit and debit cards overseas is a breeze, let me tell you.

Moral of the story - nothing matters, I had sex.

-Havins

4/18. Got insanely drunk at a hipster bar and met this cute pixie chick. We went back to place, got it on, and passed out on her bed.

Or what I thought was her bed.

When I awoke the next morning, it became abundantly clear that she had absolutely no furniture in her room.

Every "surface" (this includes bed and makeshift desk), was comprised solely of dirty clothes. Literal mountains of them.

It didn't smell TOO bad, considering, but still wasn't pleasant. I sneaked out while she was burrowing deeper into the bed-pile.

-Tim_the-Enchanter

5/18. Woke up next to a woman with swastikas tattooed on her chest. Never drank gin before that night, and haven't since.

-TheVegetaMonologues

6/18. Had a super crazy one night stand right after HS with a teachers pet girl who I thought always hated me. I was still living at my parents place so I snuck her in. In the morning my dad came right on into my room to grab my car keys for whatever reason.

I was totally naked, half covered, and the girl was still asleep, topless and uncovered. (continued...)


Keep reading on the next page!

The look I shared with my dad in that moment was the strangest combination of "good work boy" and "you are in so much trouble" I have ever experienced.

I had to blanket up and take my keys downstairs where he was waiting. He put a lock on the liquor cabinet after that, but apart from that I think he was pretty proud.

-Hellview152

7/18. I woke up next to someone and immediately regretted the decision I had made drunkenly the night before. So I get up slowly to be as quiet as I could and started putting on my clothes, ready to leave.

I got halfway down the staircase before I realized I was trying to sneak out of my own house.

-The_Bacon_Bandit

8/18. She asked me to buy her cigarettes the next morning. I was like, "why can't you just go buy them yourse- OHHHHHHHHHH SHIIII!

-trollindowntheriver

9/18. She told me to get up because she had to babysit her granddaughter. First I thought she was joking. She was not.

-rrollie

10/18. I was having a drink in a bar on a work trip and wound up chatting with this guy for a few hours and he eventually asked if I wanted to go back to his place. I did, and he showed me around. Typical suburban house with furniture and a kitchen and blah blah blah.

So, we go to his bedroom and it is decorated entirely with cheap stuffed animals that you get at the fair. Bears, unicorns, horses, pigs... Everything. He has so many that he built shelves all the way around the walls with the smallest animals on the bottom shelf and the biggest ones on the top. No lie, there were probably 1,000 of them.

I had to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Thank God he didn't smoke because I had to collect my thoughts. The thing was, everything else about this guy seemed normal. (continue...)


Keep reading on the next page!

He had a nice house, we sort of knew the same people in his work field, he wasn't married. He just seemed like a decent person who was totally unashamed of his stuffed animal collection.

The more I thought about it, the more I admired it because I knew he had to get harped on by his friends, so I started to find it attractive. I hate to say it, but I started thinking about a relationship.

So, I come back inside and we ended up having pretty decent sex for being sort of drunk and having a one-night-stand. We finished up and I put my head on his shoulder and asked him what he thought about it.

"Go ahead and take a prize off the bottom shelf," He said.

Always go with your first instincts, folks.

-Sloots_and_Hoors

11/18. She gave me money afterward. I thought it was a date

-Semi-Pro_Biotic

12/18. We woke up with no memory of each other, then she began screaming about being late for her grandma's funeral. I dropped her off in a tiny dress (not wearing shoes) still drunk as hell in front of her entire extended family.

-MWdoha

13/18. So about month ago I had been seeing this girl casually. We'd been on 2-3 dates but not really anything serious.

We go to a college bar one night and I end up going home to her place since it's closer. We were both ridiculously drunk but one of the few things I remember is before I went to sleep I asked her if I could use her charger since my phone was dead and I'd have to call an uber in the AM.

Fast forward to 7am. I wake up to my phone ringing plugged in on the bedside, so I roll over and look at it. Call from my Dad. Weird. He never calls this early. (continued...)


Keep reading on the next page!

So I pick it up and in my deep/groggy morning voice go "Hey whats up dad?"

Guy on the other end of the phone goes "Who the HELL are you?". That's when I realized that my iPhone is black, and this one was white. I also realized that I had plugged my phone in on her desk about 3 feet away.

Got up, called an uber, left. Haven't talked to her (or her dad) since.

-depresslon

14/18. I met a girl at a show that my band was playing at, went back to her place, had sex 3 or 4 times that night, then fell asleep at probably 7am.

I wake up at about 9am, completely disoriented, and hear her boyfriend kissing her saying "Mmm, looked like you guys had fun last night!" He was apparently watching us the entire time. Bleh!

-[deleted]

15/18. Was at a local spot a few years back, met this girl who was pretty hot (according to 10 of my closest cocktails).

Anyways, we chill for a bit, head to her house, do our business and fall asleep. I woke up and noticed a book bag, etc, school books. Ask her what she's studying and she tells me she goes to the local HS. I died a little inside and left.

I ran into her a few weeks later and it turns out she was messing with me cause she needed me out of the house before her roommates got home. Dude. Could have just asked.

-axionj

16/18. Woke up to her mom standing over the bed looking at us both. I'm hung over and can barely move so I tried to hide by covering my eyes with my arm but, in the nicest tone of voice, she says "Honey, could you go out to the couch on the living room for a minute for me?" (continued...)


Keep reading on the next page!

I get up out of the bed and realize I have on a pair of girl's cheerleader shorts, and she just shakes her head at me. The gal I had just had crazy, drunk sex with is still passed out. I leave the room and her mom closes the door behind me and as soon as that door was shut.. she went off on her daughter:

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?! GET UP! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK 3 HOURS AGO!" The yelling continued for a solid 10-15 minutes before her mom came storming out the door.

I'm laying on the couch in nothing but the cheerleader shorts because my clothes are still in the bedroom so I just pretended to be asleep. As awkward as it was, it was pretty cool of her not to yell at me.

-ShutUpAndGoFish

17/18. In the morning when she got up to leave I just said "lock the door behind you" because I was super hungover.

So finally I made my way out of bed a couple hours later and she had taken all of the food in my house along with my blender! Like how the hell did she even pull this off?!

-[deleted]

18/18. We slept in her bed. Which was a cot in the kitchen (clue #1 to stop drinking so heavily).

She woke me up to introduce me to her 3 children (clue #2).

They were sleeping in the same bed because the youngest had pooped the other bed during the night (clue #3).

The same bed she told me to hide in when there was a knock on the door at 8 am (turned out to be her sister, but still, clue #4).

She then introduced me to her pet lovebirds. She informed me she would be naming one of them after me (clue #5).

As I am desperately trying to get outta there, she physically removes the stuffed animal from her youngest's arms to give to me to 'remember her by' (clue # lost count).

I did not take the toy from the now-crying toddler.

If I hadn't needed a drink so badly after that debacle, I might have given sobriety a shot.

-grilledcheeseburger

(Source)

(Source)

Getty Images

Quitting a job can be a liberating feeling, but it can also be scary as hell... especially if you don't have another job waiting for you on the horizon.

Thanks to Redditor BurningDruid13, we have some answers to the following question: "Have you ever quit a job, without another lined up, for your mental health? How did it turn out?"

Keep reading... Show less