Parents Share The Things They Do NOT Want Their Kids To Find Out About Them.

We've all got skeletons in the cupboard. But when you have kids, it's time to put a lock on the cupboard.

This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.

1. She's a baaaaaad lady.

My wife explained the birds and the bees to my mortified 9 year-old daughter. The next day she asked me "Did you and mommy do that so I would be born?" Looking down at my sweet daughter, I had to soften the blow. I couldn't destroy her little world with the knowledge that daddy had willingly done these disgusting things to her mother. So I said the first thing that came to my mind: "Mommy made me do it."



2. Batman on line two.

That "Batman" who calls them when they're misbehaving, is actually my co-worker cussing them out in Arabic.



3. I'm the adultiest adult there is.

That I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm literally just them, but a few decades on.

At no point did I suddenly transform into an adult. I love naps, candy, rolling around on the couch mumbling to myself, being warm and cosy. I'm still not keen on the dark, don't like going to the dentist, forget stuff all the time.


Everything has been a conscious effort to act like some hypothetical adult figure OR a massive effort not to think too hard about stuff like mortgage payments, responsibility, duties in case it overwhelms me and I find myself paralyzed by fear.

Basically we are the same. I am you with a lot of life on my shoulders. You are me before it all happened.


4. Big daddy?

I know something that my dad definitely doesn't want me to know. Turns out he had a very interesting surgery recently. (continued...)

Keep reading on the next page!

He had a penis enlargement. I went into the hospital once for a lump on my testicle. The doctor looked at my medical records and said something about a penis enlargement. Then when I told him I hadn't had one, he showed me the records, which clearly stated the procedure. I then noticed that the date of birth was wrong and I went on tell him. He clearly hadn't looked at the age and just gone on name and address. (We have the same name, my dad and I).



5. Yeah and kale makes you invincible.

I dont want them to know that V8 isn't colloquially known as "superman juice" and that it doesn't actually make you immediately grow and run faster.

I demonstrate the effects of it by standing behind the kitchen counter as they sit and watch me drink it myself, then I slightly go on my tiptoes as their eyes widen and their jaws drop to the floor. meanwhile I pretend to not notice if anything happened and ask them if I grew at all.

Then with wide-eyes, they squeal that I did and furiously chug the V8. Then they ask me if they grew and I tell them their arms got juuuust a little longer... or their ears grew juuuuust a little... Then they sprint across the house to see if they feel faster.


Good way of getting them to drink some liquid veggies and get some exercise.


6. Do as I say, not...

That I dropped out of High School and got my GED.

I want her to graduate, not one day say to me, "Well you dropped out, why can't I?"



7. You can have the big piece.

Dont want my son to know the meals my wife and I skipped out on so he could have food.



8. We met at the mall, OK?!

That I met her father on a BDSM dating site and that we normally don't have sex with out some sort of roughness.



9. It's a tough thing to admit.

It's a terrible thing to say, and this is why I don't want him to know, but... I wish he was 'normal' every now and then. (continued...)

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He got his autism diagnosis 2 years ago (he's 5 now). It's taken a lot of hard work to get where we are now. He's in a mainstream school. He's started talking, even if it is mainly echolalia.

He's started learning to read and write. He's getting lots of praise from his teachers. Family and friends have noticed great improvements in his progress. And I wouldn't change him for the world. He is who he is and I love him. But every so often I worry about the future he might have.

Will he be able to live independently once I'm gone? Will he ever get a job? Find a girlfriend? Interact with his peers? Have an actual conversation with someone? Go out and order food in a restaurant?

And when he's lashing out because his dinner is the wrong colour, or that we skipped naming the colour of one car down the street, I sometimes think 'why can't you just be normal'. And I hate myself for it.


10. The devil you know.

As a dad, I'm not really a huge fan of the idea that any aspect of my life should be a secret. I really didn't know a lot about my own dad before he died (he was in my life, just a very private person).

I learned more about his past in the week it took to clear out his apartment than I did in the 27 years I knew him.



11. Superman doesn't cry.

The amount of times their strong invincible daddy has cried without them seeing.



12. Three's company.

I dont want them to know that I've had more than one threesome with their mother and godmother. (continued...)

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Their now godmother was single at the time and we were much younger. Just something we used to do when the three of us got drunk together.



13. I was at a Saturday night study group.

Just about anything from high school through college. Especially the time I vomited everywhere at a house party, was taken into the bathroom and cleaned up by the girl hosting, then had her leave so I could take a poop, then asked her to come wipe for me. Thankfully she did not. But doesn't mean other people at the party didn't hear me make the request. Poor girl didn't deserve any of that.



14. Don't tell anyone I have no secrets.

I dont want them to know that I was boring. I never did anything or had a secret sex life that I'd want to hide. Guess that's something I wouldn't want the kids to know. who wants to be known for being boring?




I worked on several seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.



16. Had to dig deep for that one.

My 3 month-old daughter had constipation so bad it was making her scream her head off in pain. Nothing would soothe her, so I decided to take radical action. (continued...)

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I took my index finger and dug the rock hard balls of poop out of her butt. Immediate relief and no more crying and pain. Big look of relief on her face as I wiped away massive tears with other hand.

I felt bad and good simultaneously but as a Dad, you'll do anything to help your kids. Afterwards, I spent 10 minutes washing hands like a doctor while she fell asleep in her crib.



17. Take my breath away.

Mommy and daddy were both arrested for DUI's and were both on probation at the same time when we met. In fact, it's what we talked about - when we met at a bar. I tried to buy her a drink, she had a breathalizer in her car and couldn't drink because of DUI. The rest, as they say, is history.



18. Hilarious. You're grounded.

I don't want my sons to know that 90% of the naughty things that they do are hilarious, but I have to maintain dad mode, so they don't run riot or turn into little troublemakers.



19. Kids make you grow up.

I was a heroin addict for many years and on methadone for several more before I got clean. My son was 8 when I was finally done with it.



20. You can't run away from your children.

I battled with this for a while. Going back and forth on if I want her to know. I was twenty when my now wife got pregnant. She had moved to to a different state and we hadn't seen each other in a month when she called me and told me she was pregnant. (continued...)

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I was a jerk and denied it the baby was mine. I missed out on the first three months of my daughters life before I grew a pair, manned up, and became a dad.


That is by far the most shameful period of my life and I wish I had manned up earlier instead of burying it with partying. I'm just thankful that I was able to make amends and marry her mother. I tell her she settled all the time but somehow she stays.

It really is amazing how forgiving some people can be. My family is the most important thing in the world to me now and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I did.


21. That's why you back up.

In passing, my father told me that he decided to have a second kid (me) only as a backup option if something bad happens to the first kid. I died a little inside.



22. Some things can't be explained.

When my 4 yr old son was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and he'd sleep with his mom, id sleep in his bed crying all night thinking about how I was going to explain to him what death was, and how to to explain that he was going to die.

Update: he didn't die. And I didn't have to explain it to him. He's 5 years cancer free now. But for months it really wasn't certain that he'd make it. It had spread through both of his lungs.


He recently asked me how we felt when he was going through it. He hardly remembers it. He asked if we cried and were worried. During it all we kept a stiff upper lip and tried to be very positive whenever we were around him. So as to not worry him.


23. Rules are for kids.

Neither dad or I graduated from high school but both have $100k/year jobs. I smoke weed daily and hate peas.




In most situations, when you're hurt by someone, it can be best to just forgive and forget. However, there are some people that can't help but hold grudges. Sometimes it can just be petty, but other times, it can be for very valid reasons.

HeySistaBrutus asked: What are you STILL mad about?

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