Coming back from an insult is a graceful art. Typically, most of us are keen to get insulted, stew on it for seventeen days, then miraculously think of the perfect comeback in the shower at 6 o'clock in the morning where no one but your cat can hear you. However, sometimes people have one in the chamber, ready to fire, and if you're lucky enough you'll get to hear it.
Reddit user, u/quadkaboom, wanted to hear the quickest quips they've ever heard when they asked:
Stab Yourself In The FootGiphy
In a heated argument my mom called my brother a Son of A B-tch.
He replied, "you got that right".
Act Mean In A Public Space? Get The Public Treatment.
Younger lady was acting like a total b-tch in this restuarant to the staff and this middle aged lady said "Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to act like that".
A Much Bigger Issue
A friend of mine in first year university had never really dated any girls yet. This dumb meathead that we were kind of friends with told him, "When you do get a girlfriend, I'm totally going to f-ck her."
He responded, "If I had a girlfriend that would f-ck you, her cheating on me wouldn't be the issue."
No One. Not A Single Person.
1: "Everyone thinks you're an a--hole."
2. "Well, you know what everyone thinks about you? Nothing. No one ever thinks about you. I know I don't"
Whip That, Grandma!
My dear Grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit.
My fiance and I held a 'meet the whole family' get together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother.
His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut.
He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiance was a mischief maker when he was young. Then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip Joe for being bad.
My frail little grandmother stares directly at my hubby's dad's tummy and says, "Your belt? How ever could you find it?"
Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
Never Mess With The Lunch Lady
Lunch lady got me in front my whole class. Tuna fish was for lunch. I said " tuna fish I'd rather a sh-t sandwich! ".
Without missing a beat this 80 year old lady fires back " wait right there I can make u one in the back".
Needless to say I went with the tuna.
Learn The Rules
I was playing spades one time and a guy tried to lead the game off with a spade. I told him he couldn't do that; spades have to be broken first. He refused to play by the rules, so I refused to play.
He started singing, "The wheels on the bus go round and round," to imply that I was acting like a child. He asked me, "Do you know why I'm singing that?" I said, "Yeah, cause I'm taking you to school."
A Bold Declaration
Sitting in a bar at 3AM off of Bourbon St. The windows are just open shutters. Dude who just left the bar leans in on our table to shout at some friends still in the bar. One of our group makes a silly/snide comment. Dude leaning in smacks the table with an open palm and says, "Everybody who ever loved you was wrong." Then he walks away without looking back.
We still revel in that story.
This wasn't an insult, but this was still great. My orchestra class had to do a writing assignment about what our future would be in 10 years. One of my classmates jokingly says "I'm not going to have a job and I'm going to live with my parents forever". I turn around and yell "It has to be a fictional story dude!". The entire class loses their minds.
During my University days, I ran into a friend/acquaintance of mine. And I was holding a Green Lantern Graphic Novel. My friend introduced me to his current girlfriend and THE FIRST THING she says to me while shaking my hand was "Aren't comic books for kids?". And I replied "Aren't those A Cups for kids?".
Honestly I was in so much shock that someone I just met would say that to me that I replied on instinct. Still my greatest comeback ever.
Classroom Burns Don't Heal
My science teacher assigned a really hard test and almost everyone failed. Everyone complained and she responded with " someone got a 93%, so it's not impossible." Then this one kid in the back said "the answer key doesn't count Mrs.teacher"
Even The Teacher Laughed
Teacher: asks a tough question
Jimmy: says the correct answer
Karen: lol you're such a nerd
Teacher: Be nice to him Karen, he could be your boss someday
Jimmy: it's okay Teacher, i have no interest on being a pimp anyway
whole class losing their minds
Satan Did A Lot Of Things
Crotchety old bat from my grandparents church: "Why can't you be more like Michael, he's such an angel"
Me, a 15 year old intellectual who knew Michael did things that would straighten the perm out of her hair: "If you'd actually read the bible, you'd know Satan was an angel too"
Burn From Outta' Nowhere!
I was sitting outside my daughter's dance class, working away on my laptop, realized I did something shitty and said out loud, "I suck".
Old Asian grandma lady who I didn't think was paying any attention says, "37 d-cks in a row?"
God I laughed like never before or since.
Breaking The Warranty
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. Dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth.
One day she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I'd finally had enough (she made these comments often) and I said, "Well what about you?"
"Excuse me?!" she snapped, "I have the body of a 22 year old!"
"Well give it back, you're stretching it out!"
Let Them Take The Fall
It's been told that former French President Jacques Chirac once made the following comeback, which is legendary in France.
Some dude yelled at him "Connard !" (it means "a--hole", roughly).
And he answered: "Pleased to meet you, I'm Jacques Chirac".
A Lot Of Insults Going On In School...
Kid in class "I don't have a problem with people being gay in their houses, I just don't want to see it out in the world. I don't like looking at it,It disgusts me."
"I don't like looking at ugly people but nobody is making you wear a bag over your face"
Can't Be Too Choosy
I don't remember where I heard it but one kid was pick on this other adopted kid, like "Haha you're adopted!"
He reported "Haha my parents chose me, you're just who your parents are stuck with!"
Make Friends With The CreatureGiphy
A girl told me if I took my shirt off at the beach the glare would blind everyone (because I was so pale.)
I told her "At least when I go the beach people don't try to push me back into the sea"
Where Does The Hate Come From?
A neighborhood kid was picking on my daughter, and she replied with:
"I'm sorry you are so sad."
Kid just walked away.
Secretly, we all fear having birthdays like the one in Sixteen Candles, where nobody shows up and we're forced to deal with how lonely we feel as people. But sometimes, people have things happen on their birthday that put Molly Ringwald to shame.
It stinks to have your special day go sour. Moreover, it hurts, that if whatever happened was bad enough, you will never be able to not associate your birthday with that awful thing.