We all have fantasies of punishing our enemies from time to time.
Today's burning question came from Redditor BisexualVegan, who asked the online community: "Satan's retiring this fall and would like you to take over as CEO of hell, what's the first thing you do to make hell more miserable?"
Some of these suggestions are downright evil.
"The gates of hell..."
The gates of hell is now a waiting line. Once you get to the front, you get to go to the back of the line.
"Everyone is violently hung over..."
Everyone is violently hung over, for 2/3 of each day, everyday, but no intoxication. Just the hangover.
"There is an extremely remote chance..."
There is an extraordinarily remote chance to escape hell into oblivion.
Suffering at its core requires the tiniest iota of hope.
Ideally it would be something only one person can achieve over a long interval, leading the sinners to scheme against one another, and clamber over one another in order to attain it.
So we can crowdsource the torture to the torture victims, easing demon workloads.
"If I'm taking over..."
If i'm taking over, why do i need to make it more miserable?
Seems to me like turning the focus around may be more profitable.
After all, if the goal is to get more people into hell, what easier way is there?
"Porn is readily available..."
Porn is readily available in 4K Ultra HD - over a dial up connection.
"Remove the torture..."
Remove the torture - make it absolute boredom.
You sit in an empty room alone. Hunger and stuff isn't a problem and you can't sleep.
Turn it into the DMV.
Give the toilets legs so you have to chase them around.
"Everyone is working..."
Everyone is working at a fast food joint with the laziest possible management, everyday is the busiest day of the week, and they're constantly on the verge of having a mental breakdown and quitting. The only thing getting them through the day is knowing they'll be off at 6pm, but one minute before the clock hits 6pm it restarts back to 5pm.....every single time .Once they start to get used to it, I'd switch them over to a different corporation so they have to learn an entirely new process while dealing with the same crap.
"Then they have to kick stuff."
Toothpicks under the edges of everyone's toenails. Then they have to kick stuff.
"I'd let them visit their loved ones..."Giphy
I'd let them visit their loved ones once every thousand years. A lack of hope is a lack of desire. Desire breeds discomfort of that which isn't desired. An hour of happiness every thousand years is a small price for the suffering it brings in its wake.
"Add an exit door..."
Add an exit door which takes exactly 3 arbitrary hell-tokens to open and give everyone a 2-token bill. If someone especially evil arrives, give them a single token: they'll complain about only having one hell-token for everyone else to hear.
"Whichever religion you believe in..."
Whichever religion you believe in, it's the Hell of the one you don't like the most. When you start to get used to it (you have all Eternity after all) it swaps out to a different religions version of one. Would have the added bonus of making you think your chosen religion was wrong all along too.
"I'd make it..."
I'd make it so that every tortured soul hallucinates a loved one alternately ignoring, laughing at, and blaming them for their pain.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, or so the saying goes.
The same can be said for your interactions with cops, most of whom are perfectly happy to let minor infractions slide––When was the last time you were actually ticketed for jaywalking?––provided you're not a total Karen should you interact them.
Your local police officer likely doesn't care about jaywalking or the fact that you went five miles over the speed limit unless you give him a reason to, as we learned when Redditor Takdel asked police officers: "What stupid law have you enforced just because someone was an a-hole?"