Life can be a real douche. Things beyond our control can wreck us forever, like the death of a loved one. And for others, the struggle of life in our modern age is lonely, pointless, and unfulfilling. Know that you're not alone if you're feeling these things, because let's face it, this was not what we were promised.
tvsalf asked: What is the saddest detail about your life that no one knows?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
15. Depression is a vicious thing.
I've not handled my depressive moments very well and have crushed my self esteem and any recognition of my value to people.
Why is this so relatable?
I feel like I just read my inner monologue and it's quite shocking.
14. Try a new approach, like expanding your social circle.
I feel like I'm never going to meet someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me, and I'll end up lonely and alone. Dating scares me so much and I'm tired of ending up heartbroken at the end of it.
Life is scary indeed.
13. Make headlines, you'll live forever.
I feel like I'm going to die alone. Haven't said it to anyone because I hate coming off as attention seeking but yeah. It's my main fear.
Your fear is my goal D:
Me too! The idea of people grieving over my death or even knowing about it, seems like an emotional intrusion. I would prefer people to only be able to ask, "what ever happened to what's his name?"
I don't care whether people grieve over me or not. It's the point of, I'm not what I would want as a parent. I don't want to burden someones life because I can't/won't give them everything. I don't think I'm fit to be a partner. I'm not interested in it. I'd prefer to be left alone and be alone.
12. This isn't your burden to bear.
My birth was a result of my mother's rape.
Know that this does not define you.
Holy crap, that would be a heavy thing to know. Do you have a good relationship with her?
She is deceased now(I am 57yrs old). We had a good relationship. She always told me she was glad I was here. I just feel terrible that she had to experience an assault like that.
That sh*t only matters in fantasy books my dude. Youre not some cursed being. Youre just as valid as any other person.
11. I mean, okay, I'm in.
I have to hold back tears when people touch me. I'm really starved for affection and physical contact. My friend leaned on my back and put her head on top of mine at an assembly and I cried when I got home.
Edit: just got back from an assembly where I sat next to my closest friend and her boyfriend and I left to "go to the bathroom" when in reality I left so I could take a walk and cry a little.
Edit2: lets all cry together tbh we need it
Holy sh*t, I will hug you for a solid hour. I will hug everyone on this thread for a solid hour each.
No timer actually, the hug goes on for as long as it needs to.
Where the f*ck are you, you're getting hugged dammit.
Similar, with one caveat. I only crave physical affection from people im close to emotionally. Coworker, classmate, random stranger? I'll recoil like I've been shocked if im touched.
The last hug I got from a close friend left me with a full body high for 20 minutes. I crave hugs way more than I crave sex, or even food. You're definitely not alone.
10. Things I can't think about, category 1.
I cannot look at pictures of my Mom. She's been gone for 6 years now. I put the photoalbums of her away because it hurts too much to look at it. I usually cave maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I know the day will come when I can look at her pictures and not think of everything that was lost when she died.
Lost my mom to Stage 4 liver and Pancreatic cancer two weeks ago. Was diagnosed 15 days before she passed, suffering 4 strokes in two days and just...died.
I just returned to work today and, somehow, I'm keeping it together at work, but when I'm home I am buried deep in grief, sadness, anxiety over losing her. All I ever wanted was one more conversation, one more hug, one more I love you.
But I know I can't. It sucks, and I know that two weeks is nowhere near close to enough time to get over this. It'll take forever. I'm so sorry for your grief.
Grief is so unfair. It is such an individual process but being in such bad pain still would feel alienating I would think. But ultimately you are right, the day will come.
9. Well... *gestures broadly at everything*
Even though I'm working towards things I don't really want anything except for it to be over. I have no remaining passion for anything and I'm just trudging through my life. I desperately want to find something that makes me feel alive again.
Sh*t you worded it perfectly. Sleep is pretty much the only joy I got left and I dread pretty much anything else when I'm awake.
I feel you there, I sleep for no reason at all a lot of the time. I have to force myself to do things a lot of the time. I find that getting myself out in nature or forcing myself to go on a coffee date with a friend ALWAYS make me feel a lot better. Sometimes all you need is a shift in scenery or the laughter and perspective from someone you care about.
8. Imposter syndrome?
I'm in a place where I interact with a lot of people and many of them look up to me, but deep inside I feel like I almost have no life. I feel so lonely, lost, and empty, but I have to keep up appearances for the sake of the many that would certainly be crushed if I gave up on myself.
Omg I feel the same.. I have a lot of acquaintances and not so close friends. People I do stuff with and hang out with that I met at work and through external activities.. but just a handful of close friends who I actually open up to. and a lot of these people actually enjoy my company and want to be my friends and have told me so.
Sometimes I'm out there having fun and all and then I come home and feel so empty. So yeah.. most people don't know this. they think I'm happy and fulfilled, even the handful of close ones. I can't keep complaining about feeling empty because they'd think I'm being ungrateful about having friends and people to hang out with.
This is how I currently feel right now, I'm just barely managing to keep up appearances and life honestly feels terrible every waking second. I wonder what I'm doing as I aimlessly wander the halls of my confines as I pretend I'm doing alright. I talk to a lot of people, yet I feel so abysmally lonely that I wince after every interaction. I feel like an absolute failure with little to no redeemable qualities. I'm so lonely despite it all, all I really want is someone to love me, someone to hug and cuddle with me and to tell me everything will be alright. I don't have anyone like that in my life and it hurts the most. I've done my best to try and help everyone I can in the hopes that someone will do so for me, but it's all for naught... I've just finished my crying session and am honestly using this comment as a method or laying out the thoughts in my head so as to be done with them for now, at least until they come haunt me like some wretched poltergeist with a vengeance.
7. It's hard to feel fulfilled in these times.
I hate it. I don't have a life, I just exist.
The feels. Right along with you buddy.
I went to a therapist and they described what I was going through as depression (bear with me here) and the way you just go about life miserable and just for the sake of existing, she described it as being "the walking dead. Not really having a life, but existing for the sake of existing."
She advised me to get medication, which would require seeing a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis and prescription, which after calling all of the psychiatrists in the city that were covered by my insurance, the shortest appointment time was almost 3 months out.
For someone who had to summon every ounce of motivation just to see a therapist who had a 3 day appointment wait, 3 months was far too long and now I just go on existing, now with the knowledge of how I've failed to do the one thing that might help.
I will never live up to what I want from myself.
This is probably the most accurate one. That's it. Other people would think I do fine because I do better than most, or appear to at least. I want to be passionate things and achieve something larger than me, but I just... well... you know.
This hits deep.
5. If you don't fit in, stand out.
I feel like I don't fit in with anyone.
The entire concept of "fitting in" is the strangest thing humankind has come up with.
Do you think a cow cares even slightly when it's met by a weird cow?
Do you think a dog cares when his fellow dog meows?
Do you think the universe gives even the most fleeting hint of a fuck that there are not that many people like you?
I don't, at least.
The only truly weird thing in existence is that things can be weird.
Our time on Earth is limited friend. Laugh in the face of people who rob you of the feeling that you belong.
You do belong. You're a human. The only intelligent life form we've ever known of.
4. Confidence is a difficult life skill.
I'm one of those people was told to shut up constantly as a kid and now can't effectively communicate with others without taking forever.
Same. I was a really passionate and excited kid, but people would often mock/shame me for it, talk over me, or be like "who cares?"
I'm still energetic and passionate when I talk, but you can bet that I'm monitoring every sentence I say in hopes that I'm not rambling/being annoying.
3. Times is tough, but there's no shame in accepting help.
I 'forget' to eat because we can't really afford for both of us to be consistently fed. My partner's gotten on me about it lately, she worries, so I lie a lot. She needs it more than I do though.
For all that it sucks, it's a rare person than can set aside the very painful spectre of hunger for someone they care about.
So, so many people are in your position or have been in your position. It's really fu*king hard! My husband and I were in this position when we first got married.
I did the same, I told him I'd eaten when he was at work when in reality I hadn't eaten for sometimes two days. He was working so he needed it more than I did. I'm not sure what country you're in so I don't know about the cost of certain foods where you are, but I'm in England. When we went food shopping I would buy the regular food plus I would stock up on the cheapest noodles (ramen), pasta, soups, cereals etc. And I would buy the reduced stuff that was about to go out of date and freeze it for later use. That way when there wasn't much to eat we could at least have something.
Please try to eat something, even just some toast or some cereal to keep you going. I'm sure things will work out for you soon but in the mean time if you need anyone to talk to please just give me a shout.
That my last words to my mother before she committed suicide were: "screw you, I don't want to be your daughter anymore. Get back to me when you sober up." - she started drinking again, she was drunk that day, I was tired, had enough of screaming at her to get help because I need her so I yelled that and ran away to my grandparent's house. I never spoke to her again after that because she committed suicide an hour or so after I left.
Edit* Thanks for all the replies, I honestly didn't expect this to blow up over night! I think that I managed to reply to most of the people, I will reply to the rest later since I have to go to work soon. But if I didn't get to you, thank you so much for your kind answers and words, they really did make me feel better.
Also thanks to whoever gave me silver, you rock and you are amazing <3
Thanks for gold as well, you people are amazing <3
I know that now. Didn't know at the beginning though, I kept blaming myself and I kept going through all the what if scenarios even the most ridiculous ones. Not that I can go back and change that day :(
1. Quiet time alone with someone is immensely rewarding.
I'm not made to be around other people. I struggle to maintain a relationship and have always struggled with friendships. I'm happier alone than I am around other people, but when I'm alone for long periods of time I long for human contact, which turns into resentment of the majority of other people.
I feel like Pigeon Man from Hey Arnold.
If you feel like there's no light at the end of that tunnel, all the best relationships in my experience have times where you simply spend time alone together.
Content to spend time with each other while you both do your own thing. You aren't alone in what you feel.
Maintain online friendships. Its keeps the balance.