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People Share The Best Comebacks They've Come Up With That Left Someone Speechless

Clap-backs are one of the greatest joys of being able to communicate in spoken language. Somebody tries to insult you, but little did they know you'd be waiting with claws out and ready.


u/UnleadedAlpha asked:

What is the greatest comeback you have said to someone that left them speechless?

Here are some of those fabulous zingers.

Caught With Your Pants Down

I went to catholic high school and had to wear a belt every day as part of the uniform. One day I had forgotten the belt, and the vice principal, who was a very heavy man had caught me. He said, "Excuse me young man, I can't see your belt." I stopped in my tracks and said "Yeah? I can't see yours either.' I was on the receiving end of 5 days detention for that one.

andrewhoohaa

Surgically Owned

Not me, but I was there for it.

Doing early document research way down in the basement of a big law firm. Working on a medical malpractice defense. This case involved where a guy went into an urgent care complaining about frequent urination, doctor ran a few tests, prescribed him some medication for BPH and let him go. Eventually goes to another Dr (I think it was like a year later). He has prostate cancer and it's spread, by this stage it's inoperable. 95% of the time these cases are just grieving families channeling their anger inappropriately.

Anyway, going through docs with me and 2 colleagues, let's call them Brad and Amy. Amy looks at some report and is like "Yeah, our doctor is in the wrong here. This blood test has a normal range of x-y. His is z. This should have lead to follow-up. He probably would have lived if they caught it then". Brad looks at her and says in just about the most condescending voice possible "And where did you go to medical school?". Amy answers "Yale".

Turns out, Amy had done her med school and left during her second year of rotations, deciding that being a Dr wasn't for her. She decided to enroll in law school.

BrotherOfMercy

Never Underestimate A Furious Retailer

Working retail and an hour long barrage of anger from a customer lead to me filling out a return form while he leant over me aggressively telling me how he would end me end my career end the business before I snapped--stood up pointed at his address on the invoice and said "the difference between you and me is I know where YOU live."

He grabbed his form and bolted.

Still know that f*ckers address near 8 years later.

Bruzman101

All.  The.  Time.

When I worked at starbucks, there was someone who spilled a bunch off coffee and was trying to clean it herself. My coworker walks up to clean it for real.

Coffee Spiller: "It's okay, I got it. I'm a waitress, I do this all the time"

Coworker: "You spill coffee all the time?"

He was trying to make a joke, but she just looked at him with a blank expression and walked away.

jpterodactyl

Dead And Buried

I was waiting tables out of high school and wasn't very outspoken to strangers. I had a table of four dudes, pretty loud, joking around, etc. I think myself funny but again, this was before I was more outgoing. They got the salad bar and after they sat down with the plates from it, I asked if they found everything OK.

One guy says, "No, where are the women at?"

I said without even thinking, "They saw you coming and ran off."

The whole table busted up and I got a great tip.

chibimermaid6

This Could Have Gone So Wrong

Hanging out with friends, throwing crap at eachother.

My wife: "No not my face it's my money maker!"

Me: "No wonder we're always broke"

She found it as hilarious as I did.

MrLetum

Good.  Bye.

I was at the gym about 6 months ago and this guy I went to high school with approached me. He graduated a year ahead of me and opened with "SnackandSquats?!" I stare back at him uncomfortably. .. I recognize him but don't remember his name. "I thought that was you. You used to be so weird, everyone thought you were so weird." "...yeah, probably" /he starts telling a story about casually bullying me, the good old days, sweet memories, ect. and then finishes it with "But you look SO great now. I have always thought you were beautiful... what do you think about me?"

"I don't think about you."

He stared at me, and I continued to stare at him until he finally walked away.

snacksandsquats

ZINGAHGAH

Girl with a tape recorder and microphone outside a strip mall near the New Year.

"Hi I am taking a poll on New Years resolutions"

Me

"Yeah its to not talk to strangers" as I walked right passed her.

I looked back and she was laughing.

TheIconoclastic

Ancient

Growing up my mom always made "jokes" about my intelligence, body type — just generally antagonistic and I coped by ignoring it rather than fight back and incur the wrath. So I was real proud of myself the day she asked me (right before my birthday), "Hey, how old are you turning tomorrow?"

Me: "26."

Mom: "Wow. That's OLD."

Me: "Yeah? And what's that make you?"

HookerMitzvah

I'm not exactly prone to winning things - but I do have one glorious moment of winnerhood that really is all I need in life. As a child, my church would throw Halloween parties every year. One year, I was handed a raffle ticket along with my trick-or-treat candy. At the end of the night, ticket numbers were called - mine was the last one called. I still didn't know what the prize was. Once I made it up to the stage to collect it, I was presented with a box of puppies and prompty LOST MY TEN YEAR OLD MIND. I thought I was just going to cuddle them, but nope! I got to pick out my brother and I's best friend for the next decade. We named out litlte box puppy Bear not knowing he would grow up to be a massive doberman who weighed triple digits.

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Listen to me, if you never take another piece of advice in your life, take this one: take any advice anyone gives you with a grain of salt. Yes, I'm fully aware of the irony happening in this article right now.

I've been on the receiving end of TERRIBLE advice. Example: I was explaining to an acquaintance how frustrating it can sometimes feel to be so short - not just because I can't reach things or because of my spinal pain, but because people often treat me like a child. They unintentionally treat me like I'm dumb, naive or otherwise incapable. That's when this person hatched their master criminal plot for my life.

I should just go ahead and park in handicapped spots and ignore any tickets I got for it. According to them, since I have occasional spinal problems I should probably have a tag anyway. I could just ignore tickets until I had to go to court, then show up in court and play naive and nobody would ever really punish me for it. Dude. No.

One Reddit user asked:

What's the worst piece of advice you've received?


Believe it or not, it gets worse. Here are some responses:

No Mom, No. 

Giphy

My mom told me that if I like a girl I should just follow her everywhere she went and give her gifts, like a vial of my blood (actually said that).

No mom. No.

- huazzy

Sleep.

"Never go to bed angry."

This was written in lots of wedding cards! We totally ignored this advice. Because if you're tired and getting more cranky you're more likely say something you will regret. We just sleep on it and in the morning, if its still worth discussing, you can go in with a clear head - or sometimes its not worth bringing up and you can both move on with your day.

- _northernlights

Never Trust The Roommate

Dating a girl in Uni, her roommate told me she "loves an*l, but is shy about saying it."

I learned:

A) Always discuss an*l in advance

B) Never trust the roommate

- billbapapa

No Effort Needed

To not put any effort into finding a partner. Just sit back and it will happen.

That might have worked once when people were more social and went to church regularly and things like that. Also it was common in the past for older people to make an effort to introduce single people to each other. Society just isn't like that anymore.

When I was single, my way of life put me into contact with very few people who were actually single and eligible and interested in me in return. If I hadn't put the effort in to meet someone I would have remained single.

- Waitingforadragon

Your Parents Don't Know Everything

My parents encouraged me to go to a University that costs $63,000 with no financial aid when I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. "You'll figure it out" they said. They also had me deny the federal student loans I was granted through FAFSA as it wasn't worth it.

I transferred, graduate in May, and that 1 year in school is 45% of my 4 year aggregate debt. Declared a Finance major so I can make informed decisions and not rely on their shitty advice. I'm trying to get into one of the best Macc programs in the country and that debt level is seriously inhibiting my ability to go if I get in.

Your parents don't know everything.

- kingbrownied1

Change Him

"Marrying him will make him change."

Followed by...

"Having a kid with him will make him change."

Followed by.....

"Having a second kid with him will make him change."

Followed by....

divorce papers and child support.

- ghost0427

Because Other Men...

Giphy

I was once taking my buddy's girlfriend for a walk because he asked me to keep her busy while he was at work. While we were walking, I stumbled upon an old high school classmate of mine who gave me that look of "damn, what you got there?"

I didn't pay any attention to it and just kept walking. After a while he sends me a message on my phone, asking me if that's my girlfriend. I told him she wasn't, I told him she was only my buddy's girlfriend who I was keeping busy. He told me to "steal" the girl and I obviously told him that's ridiculous and that I would never do something that disgusting.

His advice to me was: "Just do it because other men will always do it to you." The most ridiculous piece of advice I have ever had the displeasure of hearing.

- SirOberon

Just Do It Fast

I was learning to drive and kept nosing out to turn but couldn't see if a car was coming (I am turning they would be going straight). My friend that was teaching me simply said, 'Just do it fast'.

- Bodymindisoneword

Not Allowed

Both the worst and best advice... I'd just finished my first day of work for a company who'd hired me to work as a DB admin. Instead of doing anything related to the job title, they had me doing data entry all day in excel. I was alright with it, believing that it was just a temporary introduction type thing. Certainly wasn't what I wanted to do.

Brother asked, "So how was your first day?", "Eh, kind of lame. Data entry in excel is boring and I don't get anything out of it."

To which he responded, "Word of advice, you're not allowed to not like any part of your job. You can like some things more, but never dislike something."

I quit the next morning after having a complete nervous breakdown resulting from thoughts like:

"Is this what working is? What's the point of even existing if I'm not allowed to dislike (and subsequently try to avoid) jobs? Why would I ever want to go through life doing what I hate and trying to smile about it like it's alright?"

I certainly reacted more poorly to that experience than I had to any before in my life, but it made me realize that I would rather be homeless or dead than live working a job I hate for someone I've never even met in a company that doesn't care about me.

I work for myself now, and sure there are still things I have to do for my own business that I may not like... and I may not be all that successful, but everything I do now is for me. I love what I do and wouldn't trade it for any amount of financial security.

- cascade_olympus

Break Up Because You're Happy

Some of my high school friends told me to break up with my boyfriend because we didn't fight. Apparently that meant there was no passion in our relationship. We didn't fight because we discussed problems in a rational manner, rather than screaming at each other in public displays (which were common among this group of friends).

Fifteen years later, I'm happily married to said boyfriend, and haven't talked to those 'passionate' friends since high school ended.

-othybear

So what's the worst piece of advice you've ever gotten? Tell us your stories.

H/T: Reddit

I object! Where is the open bar?!

There are a few requirements that are a must at every wedding, or at least they should be a must! It's a no brainer... a couple in love, music and a cake. Seems simple enough! It's suppose to be a celebration, not a prelude to a funeral. If your guests are having to put the wedding together for you during the ceremony, or fainting from starvation, or bored out of their skulls because you've allowed family and friends to relish in their fifteen minutes of fame threw self-indulgent speeches... YOU HAVE FAILED!

Redditor u/RedxSmoke was wondering what almost brought them to an "I Object" reaction by asking... What is the worst wedding you've ever been to? What made it bad? Now toss the bouquet!

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We should know our worth when we are working. This goes for anyplace: school, our jobs, our home life. And we know when we can stare somebody in the face when they're challenging our worth.

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They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and I guess that's true for major stuff. Like if someone assasinates your lord, leaving you and 46 of your homies as ronin samurai and then dude takes your girl, too then OBVIOUSLY you devote yourself entirely to plotting and exacting your revenge. Don't even get me started on the merciless vengeance that you can expect if you mess with John Wick's dog. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's not to anger Keanu Reeves. He's just out here trying to live his life in peace, so he may seem like an easy target, but he WILL end you without even breaking a sweat. There's no sweat in revenge this cold.

But what about the minor annoyances life has to offer? Do they really deserve cold revenge? What about petty lukewarm revenge? Can it be just as delicious? Short answer: YUP. One Twitter user asked:

What is your most memorable story of petty revenge?

Honestly, these don't need a major introduction. It's a parade of pettiness that made several people cackle wickedly. James, whoever you are and wherever your doughnut fingers may be right now, we hope you're happy with yourself, sir. Yours was perhaps the deepest betrayal.

Concrete Pumpkin

I have a friend whose pumpkin\fall display at the end of his driveway would be run over by the neighborhood jerk. It happened every year. Friend decided to put a stop to it.

He withdrew money from his savings account so he would have enough to buy the largest pumpkin he could find, along with several large bags of Quikcrete. filled that puppy up and made a real pretty display.

The jackass broke the axle of his sh*tty car when he hit that pumpkin and could not drive away. My friend had his car towed away, too.

- cuddlenazifckmonstr

Lunchwars

My coworker throws out her lunch in the garbage can at my desk instead of her own, because she claims she can't stand the smell of old ketchup that's been sitting out for a couple hours. I've asked her several times to stop, but she will then just wait until I get up to go to the bathroom and do it, and hide my garbage can under my desk so she thinks I won't see it. There's no reason for it. The cafeteria offers lids for the ketchup cups, so she could just put the lid on it and throw it away - but she refuses to get lids and insists on leaving her food garbage to stink up my area.

Now, when she does it, I wait until she goes to the bathroom, take out the little plastic container that she had ketchup in, and put it way in the back of her bottom desk drawer. There's 6 in there now, the oldest is over a month old. So far, she hasn't noticed the smell. Gonna keep doing it and see how long it takes her to notice.

- Brunurb1

Ring The Alarm

Giphy

In response to an (admittedly pretty good) practical joke, I hid seven battery powered alarm clocks in the perpetrators room. Set them to go off one by one roughly every 40 minutes between 2 and 6 AM. Last one was hid in the ceiling.

- pancakesareyummy

Pay The IT Guy

Someone owed me $50 and refused to pay, so being in IT I reduced their Mailbox size so they could only hold around 10 e-mails, removed them from distro groups so they missed important group e-mails, and every day for like 3 months I went to their account and checked the little box "Must change password at next login"(We used an elaborate pw scheme).

- roguemerc96

The Austin Powers 20-Point Turn

There's a new truck in my apartment's parking lot. Whoever owns it always parks it taking up multiple spots, ALWAYS. Weird angles, close to the stairs, all over the place (no assigned parking unfortunately). Months of this.

I drive a much smaller car than that, and I'm petty/passive aggressive, I've been waiting for my chance. A few days ago was my shot.

I got home quite late and there were zero spots open in my lot. Big truck is parked across 2 spaces again, but there's juuust enough room on their driver side for me to sneak in there with my little clown car. I carefully pull in, making sure not to touch anything, no damage, no nothing. My passenger side mirror is half and inch from their driver side door. I giggled to myself all the way back to my apartment and set an alarm and waited. The following morning I wake up before the alarm to loud door slamming and stomping around. I check out my window and I see the double parking culprit walking around both vehicles, taking pictures, texting someone, taking more pictures, I'm shaking with glee. They then swallow their pride, let out a visual sigh, and climb in the passenger side, clamber over the center console, and Austin Powers 20 point turn their butts out of the spot.

I've never been so proud of myself and my sh!tty, petty, passive aggressive ways.

- Here2Lol

No Labels

My brother did something to his annoy his then-girlfriend. So she took the labels off all his canned food/tins in the cupboards. Are you opening a tin of beans? Or a tin of tomato sauce? Or cat food?

Kinda hilarious.

- WhoriaEstafan

Don't Mess With My Dogs

I found out my then boyfriend was cheating on me. And he threw my dog across the room when we were discussing what he had done. I moved out immediately. More for hurting my dog than anything. So as I was moving out I took his entire porn collection and microwaved them one by one. It only takes 3 second each. Took me about an hour to go thru them all. I put them back in the case, then back where they belonged. Not sure if the microwave was still usable, did not really care. He was also a manager at a restaurant and would bring home tons of food. They had really nice coolers that the food came in so I called the GM and explained I had moved out and that I wanted to return the boxes. He lost his job. Then I was getting collection calls for him, so I gave them the new girls work and personal number so they could find him. He's her problem now.

Don't mess with my dogs.

- Phoneprincess

James Has Doughnut Fingers

Giphy

Back in the late 90s I worked at Best Buy and one Saturday a month we had to come in 3 hours before the store opened (so 7am) for a mandatory all store meeting where we watch the video from corporate, give out employee of the month awards, go over department goals, and the like.

Well, there was a guy in our department James who was a pretty crappy worker and showed up to the meeting an hour late and the manager took him aside and fired him. Apparently the manager didn't watch him on his way out of the store and he went into the break room and stuck his finger in every single doughnut they brought in for our break. So literally the only mild positive of getting up at 6 on Saturday was ruined.

20 years later and I still miss that doughnut.

- profJesusfish

Brake Check

My friend in high school was such a drama queen but it worked out hilariously sometimes. He was cut off by a driver who had no brake lights and it pissed him off so badly that he followed until a cop was behind, merged around the guy and then brake checked him so the cop would see that he had no brake lights. The holler he let out when the cop pulled the other guy over is still one of the funniest moments of my life.

- ohheyitsshanaj

"Broken" 

When my wife and brother in law were younger, she got the best petty revenge on him for something they don't even remember. My brother in law did something to irritate my wife back when they were in high school.

My wife turned off the TV, wrote "broken" on a piece of paper taped to the TV, shut off the power strip, and flipped the batteries around in the remote. Took my brother in law several days to figure it out.

- SteevyT

H/T: Reddit