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People Share The Best Comebacks They've Come Up With That Left Someone Speechless

Clap-backs are one of the greatest joys of being able to communicate in spoken language. Somebody tries to insult you, but little did they know you'd be waiting with claws out and ready.


u/UnleadedAlpha asked:

What is the greatest comeback you have said to someone that left them speechless?

Here are some of those fabulous zingers.

Caught With Your Pants Down

I went to catholic high school and had to wear a belt every day as part of the uniform. One day I had forgotten the belt, and the vice principal, who was a very heavy man had caught me. He said, "Excuse me young man, I can't see your belt." I stopped in my tracks and said "Yeah? I can't see yours either.' I was on the receiving end of 5 days detention for that one.

andrewhoohaa

Surgically Owned

Not me, but I was there for it.

Doing early document research way down in the basement of a big law firm. Working on a medical malpractice defense. This case involved where a guy went into an urgent care complaining about frequent urination, doctor ran a few tests, prescribed him some medication for BPH and let him go. Eventually goes to another Dr (I think it was like a year later). He has prostate cancer and it's spread, by this stage it's inoperable. 95% of the time these cases are just grieving families channeling their anger inappropriately.

Anyway, going through docs with me and 2 colleagues, let's call them Brad and Amy. Amy looks at some report and is like "Yeah, our doctor is in the wrong here. This blood test has a normal range of x-y. His is z. This should have lead to follow-up. He probably would have lived if they caught it then". Brad looks at her and says in just about the most condescending voice possible "And where did you go to medical school?". Amy answers "Yale".

Turns out, Amy had done her med school and left during her second year of rotations, deciding that being a Dr wasn't for her. She decided to enroll in law school.

BrotherOfMercy

Never Underestimate A Furious Retailer

Working retail and an hour long barrage of anger from a customer lead to me filling out a return form while he leant over me aggressively telling me how he would end me end my career end the business before I snapped--stood up pointed at his address on the invoice and said "the difference between you and me is I know where YOU live."

He grabbed his form and bolted.

Still know that f*ckers address near 8 years later.

Bruzman101

All.  The.  Time.

When I worked at starbucks, there was someone who spilled a bunch off coffee and was trying to clean it herself. My coworker walks up to clean it for real.

Coffee Spiller: "It's okay, I got it. I'm a waitress, I do this all the time"

Coworker: "You spill coffee all the time?"

He was trying to make a joke, but she just looked at him with a blank expression and walked away.

jpterodactyl

Dead And Buried

I was waiting tables out of high school and wasn't very outspoken to strangers. I had a table of four dudes, pretty loud, joking around, etc. I think myself funny but again, this was before I was more outgoing. They got the salad bar and after they sat down with the plates from it, I asked if they found everything OK.

One guy says, "No, where are the women at?"

I said without even thinking, "They saw you coming and ran off."

The whole table busted up and I got a great tip.

chibimermaid6

This Could Have Gone So Wrong

Hanging out with friends, throwing crap at eachother.

My wife: "No not my face it's my money maker!"

Me: "No wonder we're always broke"

She found it as hilarious as I did.

MrLetum

Good.  Bye.

I was at the gym about 6 months ago and this guy I went to high school with approached me. He graduated a year ahead of me and opened with "SnackandSquats?!" I stare back at him uncomfortably. .. I recognize him but don't remember his name. "I thought that was you. You used to be so weird, everyone thought you were so weird." "...yeah, probably" /he starts telling a story about casually bullying me, the good old days, sweet memories, ect. and then finishes it with "But you look SO great now. I have always thought you were beautiful... what do you think about me?"

"I don't think about you."

He stared at me, and I continued to stare at him until he finally walked away.

snacksandsquats

ZINGAHGAH

Girl with a tape recorder and microphone outside a strip mall near the New Year.

"Hi I am taking a poll on New Years resolutions"

Me

"Yeah its to not talk to strangers" as I walked right passed her.

I looked back and she was laughing.

TheIconoclastic

Ancient

Growing up my mom always made "jokes" about my intelligence, body type — just generally antagonistic and I coped by ignoring it rather than fight back and incur the wrath. So I was real proud of myself the day she asked me (right before my birthday), "Hey, how old are you turning tomorrow?"

Me: "26."

Mom: "Wow. That's OLD."

Me: "Yeah? And what's that make you?"

HookerMitzvah

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Famous and highly regarded people have delivered famous last words on their deathbeds for ages, and we can only hope to be as eloquent as them when our time arrives. I like to think I'll be too busy concentrating on my laborious breaths to focus on whether I'm being eloquent or prophetic, but you never know.

These people have certainly made their marks on the history books.

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Ignorance really is biased.

We always think we know what is right and what is wrong, what's the truth and what's a lie. The reality is that most of what we know is just an opinion or a partial truth that we've filled in with our own rational (or irrational) explanation. These opinions that we pass off as 'facts' are far from it and it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself and admit you were wrong or misinformed about something. Everyone likes to pretend they're on a different level, but the truth is you're not so different from the people you disagree with. Meditate on that.

Here are a some people admitting strong opinions they no longer have, and what it took to change those views. Redditor u/segafarm asks:

What is the strongest opinion you once held but no longer hold, and what make you change your mind?

Jade-Colored Glasses

I used to think that being cynical/negative was realistic and somehow smarter than being positive. I've since realized that a "be prepared for the worst but expect the best" is far better. We can't control the outcome of anything in life. Being negative makes you miserable rather than protected from bad things happening.

nanaimo

Cant' Have A Conversation With A Parrot

I used to be a conspiracy theorist. Believed that 9/11 was committed by the US government and that we never landed on the moon.

Once I started looking outside of the echo chamber I was in and started looking at alternate explanations, theories and listening to different viewpoints I soon realized how ridiculous those notions were.

Not-A-Real-Subreddit

A Big, Mysterious Universe

I used to be a strict, hardline atheist. I was the kind of bastard that would bring the subject up for no reason, just to argue. I don't know what the hell my problem was. Now I feel like, the universe is big, I don't know what all might be out there, I don't really care. I live as if there is no afterlife, because that makes sense to me. But if you don't, and you believe in one, that's perfectly fine, and maybe you're right. Who knows?

CDC_

Portrait Of An Artist As A Young Man

I used to believe anyone can be a successful artist if they just put the time and effort into it. There is no such thing as talent, only hard work.

What changed my mind: Art school. There were quite a few people that tried hard, but just weren't able to achieve professional level art.

berfica

You're Not Your Emotions

For the longest time, I thought my emotions were in a sense the most "real" part of me. I was always a very emotional person and I didn't make a real effort to control it as I thought it was a good thing, that I was just being honest with myself. Over time though, I started to become very depressed and the negative emotions just keep adding on and on. I thought "this is just how I am I guess". Unfortunately it started hurting other relationships I had, and everything changed when my girlfriend broke up with me. After a lot of reading I found that emotions are not who we are at all. They're just reactions and there's nothing that requires us to act on them or feed them. I'm learning to let it go through me instead of hanging on like I used to.

inca829

Don't Forget Big Willie Style

I used to think that hip hop was bland, repetitive, and all about clubbing and sh*t. Then one of my friends pointed me towards people like Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, Nas and Run The Jewels, who all have great songs and clever lyrics, and I realized that Hip Hop is pretty great.

6quid

The A**holes Will Always Find A Way

I used to think that the catholic church was responsible for all of the hateful people in it. I gave people the chance to challenge my opinion and someone explained it very nicely to me. Basically, the hateful people use the church as an excuse, if you remove the church they will gladly find another excuse.

TianaLeFong

High Times

Giphy

I used to tell myself that I would never stop smoking weed, and that I'd be happy if my kids grew up to be pot smokers... Now I have a kid, don't smoke, and realize what an idiot I was when all I did was smoke all day. I could probably be in a much better position if I hadn't smoked all through college.

But I mean, I still think pot's okay... Just in moderation.

edgar__allan__bro

The Road Less Traveled

"All taxation is theft, man! I made my money without any help from public institutions or the infrastructure they support, I should be able to keep every last dime of it!"

Naturally that was when I was 18, living at home rent free, and working at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver who relied upon public roads for pretty much every cent I made.

ExtremelyLongButtock

All Those PSA's Didn't Do Much

The whole D.A.R.E anti-drugs. Yes crack and heroin is bad, but they over dramatized what happens when you do smaller drugs. Weed isn't even a gateway drug, alcohol is more of a gateway drug. When I saw weed for the first time I thought it was tobacco (This was after all the D.A.R.E training too). Letting the government teach you your morales and philosophy is a thing that sheep do. Don't be a sheep.

PlantTreesForToday

Where Would We Be Without The Kindness Of Strangers

I used to think people on welfare and state assistance just weren't trying hard enough. I grew up spoiled and entitled and it seemed like any kind of charity was a stigma.

Then, my husband became chronically ill, and the economy took a shit. My family has been close to homelessness more than once, and have relied on state insurance and assistance off and on throughout the past few years. There are definitely people out there who abuse the system, but some just get stuck in a horrible cycle of poverty.

I also work in a school that has a high number low income and refugee families. It has really opened my eyes to the struggles that some people face.

BuffyandtheHellcats

He's Still There For You, The Best He Can Be

I could go through life and could seek meaningful advice from my Dad who has always been there for me.

Now he has been reduced to a feeble condition, I am starting to understand I'm out there on my own, and even what he's sure of is suspect given his mental and physical facilities have been rapidly deteriorating in his late seventies. I feel horrible that I have noticed this long before he did - or at least admitted as much.

june606

Clear Your Mind

This was before I received an ADHD diagnosis. When my doctor referred me to an ADHD specialist, first of all I refused to believe him and was kind of slighted that he even suggested that I could possibly have ADHD.

I had a very strong opinion that if I get a diagnosis that I would refuse to take prescribed amphetamines because they are "bad" and "addictive" and that they would ruin my life.

Then I actually tried the prescription and it was like magic.

Xingua92

Going Through The Whole Spectrum

Used to be fairly open with my views on immigration policy. Then I worked for a while down near Corpus Christie doing immigration work. I'd say one out if every hundred people that came through our office was going to somebody who actually wanted to work and try to make a living here. So many people simply wanted to exist enough to get welfare. Many were young men who we would later defend against exportation as a result of their criminal activity. I began to despise the work of defending these men and wished they would be deported.

Now, I'm dating a foreign girl and we are in the legal immigration process. She has advanced degrees and skills, so that makes things a little easier. But it does make me resent people who just bypass the system. We can't bypass the system because I imagine my participation in immigration fraud could get me disbarred.

RogerDeanVenture



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