People Share The Most Professional Ways To Say "Go To Hell"
We all have those days where it takes every ounce of our self control not to blow a gasket. If you work in customer service, or in any field where you work with people, it's infinitely harder to make it through those days without completely melting down. The good news is, there is a solution: a very kind, cordial, professional way to say exactly what you wish you could.
u/AfrikaanoBinJewin bravely asked:
Here were some of the answers.
When you reply to someone's email, put their direct manager in the CC field. That's a nice way of saying "I don't believe you. Say that again in front of your boss, I dare you".
I had an email chain going with HR about something or other. I kept replying back to them and looping my manager in on the CC field.
EVERY SINGLE REPLY they dropped my manager off, so every time I replied I added them back in.
Manager asked why they weren't getting replied from HR and I said "I dunno, ask them."
"Well you have provided all of us a great opportunity for education on this matter"
You f*cking idiot you goofed again
It Really Just Means, PLEASE READ
I just paste this in the reply:
＼( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
/ / ＼＼last
ﾚ ノ ヽ_つ
| 丿 ＼ ⌒)
| | ) /
ノ ) Lﾉ
The Whole Meeting Is Planned
Here are 4 that work well individually, and multiply when used together...
"That's an interesting perspective"
"I have to say, you always come up with unique insights...."
"That idea may address issues beyond our immediate need"
"Maybe that is something that we can consider when we look at next steps..."
Push Over And OverGiphy
Just recently started a new job here replacing someone who moved. Two weeks into it, an employee walks in and tries to get me to do a side project.
Me: Is this company related?
Employee: Uhh...no, but Ex Coworker would do this all the time for me
Me: Yeah, he's not here anymore and sorry this is not happening.
Employee: ...... (walks out)
Talked to my team about it and they tell me the previous guy was "too nice" to everyone so people would take advantage. The employee in question use to come in and get him to do all this freelance work...FOR FREE. Employee thought I would've been a pushover as well. Hasn't been back since.
Here's The Translation Dictionary
- As Per my previous email - Can you not f*cking read?
- Thank you for your input - Shut the f*ck up.
- We'll take that into consideration - That's f*cking stupid
- Great idea I'll give it a try sometime - Who the f*ck asked you?
- Let's circle back / table that for now - I don't care about what you're saying
Leave 'Em Guessing
So here's something a bit different:
If you're not skilled with email tone & tenor, it can be very easy to accidentally sound like an asshole. It happens most often with older folks who don't care to learn proper tone & tenor and brand new kids who have only ever communicated via text message.
A perfect example is something like this:
Couldn't find you in your office. I guess you're not working anymore. Need to discuss an issue.
Literally could be both positive or negative.
Your Next Email Template
I appreciate your input and will take it under advisement. I have considered your proposal and find it does not line up with our specific needs in this area. I wish you best of luck in your future endeavours. This will be the last contact on this matter.
You're an idiot.
Fake 'Em Out
A stint in over the phone customer service helped me coin the phrase "Hope your day is as pleasant as you are."
If the person was indeed pleasant, it's quite the lovely compliment!
And if they weren't, well. Plus it's bulletproof, they couldn't ask to talk to my manager cause what were they going to say? "She told me she hoped my day was as pleasant as I was!" "And?..." "Well... uh..."
Dear Mr. President:
I have been privileged to serve as our country's 26th Secretary of Defense which has allowed me to serve alongside our men and women of the Department in defense of our citizens and our ideals.
I am proud of the progress that has been made over the past two years on some of the key goals articulated in our National Defense Strategy: putting the Department on a more sound budgetary footing, improving readiness and lethality in our forces, and reforming the Department's business practices for greater performance. Our troops continue to provide the capabilities needed to prevail in conflict and sustain strong U.S. global influence.
One core belief I have always held is that our strength as a nation is inextricably linked to the strength of our unique and comprehensive system of alliances and partnerships. While the US remains the indispensable nation in the free world, we cannot protect our interests or serve that role effectively without maintaining strong alliances and showing respect to those allies. Like you, I have said from the beginning that the armed forces of the United States should not be the policeman of the world. Instead, we must use all tools of American power to provide for the common defense, including providing effective leadership to our alliances. NATO's 29 democracies demonstrated that strength in their commitment to fighting alongside us following the 9-11 attack on America. The Defeat-ISIS coalition of 74 nations is further proof.
Similarly, I believe we must be resolute and unambiguous in our approach to those countries whose strategic interests are increasingly in tension with ours. It is clear that China and Russia, for example, want to shape a world consistent with their authoritarian model - gaining veto authority over other nations' economic, diplomatic, and security decisions - to promote their own interests at the expense of their neighbors, America and our allies. That is why we must use all the tools of American power to provide for the common defense.
My views on treating allies with respect and also being clear-eyed about both malign actors and strategic competitors are strongly held and informed by over four decades of immersion in these issues. We must do everything possible to advance an international order that is most conducive to our security, prosperity and values, and we are strengthened in this effort by the solidarity of our alliances.
Because you have the right to have a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects, I believe it is right for me to step down from my position. The end date for my tenure is February 28, 2019, a date that should allow sufficient time for a successor to be nominated and confirmed as well as to make sure the Department's interests are properly articulated and protected at upcoming events to include Congressional posture hearings and the NATO Defense Ministerial meeting in February. Further, that a full transition to a new Secretary of Defense occurs well in advance of the transition of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in September in order to ensure stability Within the Department.
I pledge my full effort to a smooth transition that ensures the needs and interests of the 2.15 million Service Members and 732,079 DoD civilians receive undistracted attention of the Department at all times so that they can fulfill their critical, round-the-clock mission to protect the American people.
I very much appreciate this opportunity to serve the nation and our men and women in uniform.
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000
Miss Manners had a good one: "I thank you for your concern in the matter but, I can assure you it isn't necessary."
I had a boss that told me he would just say "regards" at the end of an email instead of "kind regards" or "best regards" to let someone know to go f*ck themselves. Unfortunately I knew what he meant when I received an email that ended that way.
The South Has It DownGiphy
"With all due respect..."
"That's one way to look at it."
"Bless your heart."
It Happened To Me
We'll forward your concerns to our development team.
This was the reply I got when a small company's software wasn't scaling properly in windows 10 @4k. It's been almost a year and 2 or 3 updates later, still isn't fixed. I have to change to 1080p, launch the program, and switch back to 4k every time I use it. Needless to say the second an alternative becomes available I'm switching.
The Little Things Get Neglected
I work part time at a convenience store, which apparently entitles every failed comedian to make my day slightly worse than how they found it. However, because I can't call them so socially inept that the only people who will listen to them are people who cannot run away, I have to be professional.
So, when they make inane jokes (I guess I don't know what they want, hyuk hyuk hyuk) I just deadpan. Try it, its the best, most professional way to shut down an idiot with too much to say with so little to think about.
"Do you need my ID because I look so young? Hahaha..."
Dead. Fucking. Silence. Stare blankly, and don't move. You're being paid to be there, they are not.
"Because...you said you needed my ID...."
No emotion crosses your face. No items get bagged, no receipts are printed.
"...Uh, could I get that in a bag?"
"Sure, sir. Have a nice day" you reply in the same tone of voice as you might say "Get f*cked with a cactus."