Hold my beer!
We all know Murphy's Law is real. And never, NEVER say... "So what next?" That is just calling on the spirits of evil to mess with you. Life is a struggle and sadly some moments are met with sorrow then met with hardship and then misery. It's a wonder we all get out alive..... Oh. Wait.
But do you have healthcare?
So I found out I had a huge tumor on my ovary. It was growing hair. Then I got surgery to remove it and they found out I had stage 4 endometriosis which would severely impact future fertility. Then I go home in extreme pain, I go to the ER that night because I am doubled over and screaming in pain. The ER tells me its residual gas from the laparoscopy.
So then I sit on my recliner for three days crying out in pain and vomiting every single thing I try to ingest. Not farting or belching at all like you need to do after a laparoscopy to get rid of the excess gas used to inflate the area they work on. Then I have enough and get my husband to take me to a different hospital. They do a scan with contrast dye (boy was that difficult to keep down long enough for the scan) and they find out that I am bleeding internally and leaking poo into my abdominal cavity. Then I get taken in for emergency surgery.
Before the surgery I am informed that there is also a huge tumor in the middle of my right ovary and would have to have it out. I could either do it then, or at a later date. I opt to do it then. I wake up from the surgery after four days in a medically induced coma in a different hospital in the ICU. I am intubated and have a nasogastric tube. I panic and I see a nurse in the hall but can't get her attention. I undo my restraint on my left hand and yank out the tubes (you can rip out your vocal chords by doing that, luckily I didn't) and yell for help.
Then I proceed to spend weeks in the hospital recovering. Eating nothing but soup broth, I eventually get upgraded to ensure. I get MRSA in the surgical wound and it takes a few rounds of very strong antibiotics to contend with it. A bunch of my hair falls out.
I go home and can't bathe for a few weeks because the incision is still pretty much open (they didn't stitch the skin together). I have to have a home health nurse visit me every day to clean the wounds. It takes about a year to heal.
I keep getting recurring MRSA infections in the top of the incision site inside of my belly button. Whenever the MRSA comes back my belly button oozes a ton of pus and blood and forms a giant, painful boil. It's been two years and this stuff is still happening. family_of_trees
But you lived!
Got rear ended by a truck. Pulled over to check my trunk on a hilly street. A car parked behind me rolled down hill and crushed me between it and my newly messed up trunk. Suffered some cracked ribs. the_average_homeboy
When we had to put down our family dog of 12 years and on the drive home, my parents told my brother and I that they were separating. ElToberino
I had a boss who fired a guy same day his fiancee dumped him. Guy was on REALLY thin ice, like my boss had caught him asleep at work before, and customers complained about him. He comes into work, he tells me what happened. He's extremely distraught. He's in the bathroom an hour and a half crying and we're supposed to go to a customer site for a job. My boss asks what's taking him so long and I told him. My boss got pissed, said "I'm not paying him to sit in the bathroom all day!" And called him into his office. Fired him right there. Excolo_Veritas
There is a movie waiting to happen...
My oldest sister was murdered. But wait, it gets worse.
Her husband was (unbeknownst to us) a high functioning alcoholic. He quickly became an "unable to function at all" alcoholic.
But wait, it gets worse. They had 5 children. The oldest called me from the dentists office, where my brother-in-law was being arrested for driving the kids there while intoxicated.
But wait, it gets worse. I can't take custody of the children because I live out of state. Even if I pack up my family and move, we would have to be residents for 6 months before we could be vetted as foster parents. So the children go into foster care.
But wait, it gets worse. There was not a foster family available that willing to take 5 children together. They went to 3 separate families. These kids lost their mother permanently, and their father and siblings temporarily.
This occurred 13 years ago. By brother-in-law was not the murderer. He was and is a very decent man who at the time had poor stress management skills. He drank to cope with the stress of everyday life and went completely off the rails when my sister died leaving him to raise 5 children on his own. They did catch the murderer. He plead guilty and passed away in prison before his first parole hearing. We never learned the motive. Wzlywzly
Don't be a Pooper!
I was working for a large hotel chain in London for a few weeks, shooting interiors/exteriors for their brochures and I'd end up going from hotel to hotel meeting managers/assistants who would take me round the hotel all day while I took my photos. Knowing full well that no-one works in a hotel without acquiring some pretty amazing stories, I would interrogate each one for their most outrageous tales.
I got to hear a bunch of stories that ranged from fascinating to dull: The orgies, the famous faces cheating on their spouses, the occasional slaughtered goat in the bath (incredibly more common than you might think...) and the time that the cast of Friends stayed at the hotel while they were filming those episodes in London.
One story rose above the rest. A gentleman, alone in his suite, woke up in the middle of the night with a DIRE need to unload his bowels. I mean a really, really desperate need, to the point that he must have woken up in a panic as he jumped out of bed, butt naked, bolted for the bathroom door and burst inside. Except he didn't.
In his tired state, and no doubt thanks to his unfamiliarity with the hotel room, he bolted for the front door of the room by mistake and let the door shut behind him. Now this man who both, lets not forget, feels an agonizing rumbling in his intestines and is as naked as the day he was born, suddenly finds himself in the corridor and panics. Understandably. His desire to shit is so strong that it overwhelms any other thought going through his head. He. Must. Poop.
He starts banging like a maniac on a neighboring door, hoping someone will answer, and eventually, someone does. A man opens up the door, probably assuming that a fire has started in the hotel and he's being woken up for an emergency evacuation. And in a sense, he's half right.
Our naked hero bursts into the room, pushing past the confused and bewildered occupant, apologizing along the way, and makes a break for the bathroom. But no. He doesn't make it. Half way there, his sphincter gives in to the pressure and he unloads a spray of effluent across the floor of the stranger. Some of the foulest smelling waste imaginable is dumped all over over the place in a mottled line, leading to the toilet. The rooms original occupant, who was up until this point, standing scared, bewildered and confused by the door still, immediately vomited.
To his credit, the digestively challenged man did make it to the sitting position in the bathroom, and sat there, crying and apologizing to the vomiting man and eventually the hotel staff, for a full 10 minutes while his gut punished him for some earlier indiscretion. When the 'Pooper' had finished, the hotel moved the 'Poopees' belongings (some of which were speckled with the Pooper feces) to a new room and I assume that the Pooper had a nice long shower. But wait; it gets worse....
In the morning after the debacle, the Pooper walked into the restaurant for breakfast and who should be there but last nights victim, sat eating his cornflakes. The two apparently locked eyes, whereupon last nights memories must have come flooding back to the victim with a vengeance, because the poor man, in the middle of a crowded room full of people enjoying their food, immediately vomited all over the table. photosonny
My wrap-around skirt blew away while I was walking down the sidewalk.
But wait, it gets worse. It happened right in front of a funeral home, and yes, there were at least two dozen mourners filing into the building, as I chased my skirt down the sidewalk in my panties. shadypines33
That's just Raw!
Got my first ever blowjob from my first ever girlfriend in college. We were both drunk and I also did not know what a blowjob would feel like. It didn't feel the best and I was starting to fall asleep so I told her I had came to end it and we fell asleep. Woke up the next morning and jumped in the shower and experienced what felt like hot lava on my raw skinned penis. She had used teeth the whole time and it was rubbing off the skin on the underside of my penis with every bob of her neck. BUT WAIT, IT GETS WORSE. The next day we go to a football game and she isn't her normal self, not holding my hand or really talking to me. We get back and she comes up to my apt to tell me that she cheated on me with my best friend I had at college, and we broke up, leaving me alone with my raw penis that took 2 weeks to heal. Reddit
This is a 'Days of Our Lives' situation!
Two of my friends had a falling out. I was dying to know what was going on between them, because they lived together and I felt like I was watching mommy and daddy get divorced. One friend was never around and the other told me he honestly didn't know what going on.
After a couple months, I finally got some one-on-one time with the friend who wasn't around, and he explained everything to me in detail. Basically he asked if he could date the other friend's cousin, who emphatically said NO. But, since the other friend had dated his cousin without asking, he violated bro-code and started seeing her anyway.
In dating this girl, he came to find out that she and the other friend were more than just cousins... They had carried on a physical relationship for years. Basically they screwed like bunnies whenever the family wasn't looking.
But hold on! It gets worse... He was told this went on for 10 years.
But hold on! It gets worse... The girl's father, and her cousin's father, are identical twins. Let that sink in for a second. Genetically, they are half-siblings.
At that point in the story, I downed my beer and apologized for even asking about what was going on. I wish I never knew. As a follow up, they no longer live together or speak to each other. I see the other friend in passing and we're still friends, but its hard to look him in the eye. rawbface
4 is an unlucky number.
- At 14 months old, my son was diagnosed with brain cancer
- At 4 years old it recurred
- At 4.5 years old, the cancer grew during his stem cell transplant
- At 4.5 years old, I was told to take him home and make him comfortable until he died.
- At 4.7 years old, a surgeon took his case and found he had a second form of brain cancer.
- 4 months later, my ex wife told me she was sexing her prayer partner because I gave my son cancer. CarterLawler
Whoops. That snip was just a hair too far....
Your first bad haircut probably made you want to die a little when you looked in the mirror. Imagine how the person cutting your hair must have felt. Although, maybe they didn't care at all, as evidenced by the bs excuse they gave you when you finished in the barber chair.