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People Share Their Iconic "We'll Never Speak Of This Again" Moments

The one thing that happened of which never speak again. There are so many. They never stop, either. Who knows when you'll walk in on your dad naked and chugging milk, or farting so loudly your grandmother's funeral is ruined?

dannyjayes1 asked Reddit: What is your "we will never speak of this again" moment?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.


40. Daddy and auntie being naughty.

My Divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my Aunt (moms sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friends house to sleepover and didn't think any more of it.

Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something.

Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she's taking a shower before she leaves.

Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friends house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.

HilaryKay25

39. This is a marriage made to last.

I had internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I'd faint. I didn't obey that.

I went to take a piss and my girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, peeing all over everything on the way down.

I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my pee.

And that's actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl.

I did.

But that's not the story I tell when someone asked, "when did you know she was the one?"

Nylund

Not gonna lie that's the perfect story for I knew she was the one!

stirsstirs14

Yeah that's a story for the wedding if ever I've heard one.

Blaizey

38. Don't whizz in the fireplace. Or on the electric fence.

I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better.

I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.

I thought it would be funny to do it with piss. It was not funny to do it with piss.

For the uninitiated, what happens is the piss vaporizes and depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud.

If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn't really move because it's water vapor and it leaves a film on everything it touches.

It smells like....well...like burnt piss, and you can also taste it. The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work.

Eating a Hot Pocket with your bits exposed sounds a bit too dangerous for me.

gibbonshire

I was sort of a naughty kid anyhow, so she thought I had started a fire with something. In order to avoid a worse punishment I had to take dumbsponsibility. That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred.

MrdrBrgr

You just made me burst out laughing.

dannyjayes1

I don't recall ever learning about the Leidenfrost effect, so I just looked that up and its really cool. Totally explains why you would play with ice cubes on a wood stove.

Xe1ex

But what's up with the spiders?spiders and ice cubes

Right, right, classic combo.

Xanola

37. Scarred.

One faithful night when I was around 12, I woke up and for some reason I was sure I was hella late for school. I threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen, still half asleep.

What I saw in the kitchen was utterly confusing. My dad was standing there, naked, chugging milk straight from the carton like a madman. I looked at him, but was too tired to be shocked, he on the other hand looked like he had been cought chugging milk by the ghost of Hitler. Then I looked up at the clock.

It was 4 AM. I really didn't understand anything except that I could sleep more at this point, so without a word I just turned around slowly and went back to bed.

The look on his face still haunts me

Edit: I forgot to mention that he never put the carton down. He just stared at me in shock, milk to mouth, until I left. For all I know he stood there chugging milk with all night

I meant fateful, but at this point I'm just going with it

Z4rk0s

36. Never tell anyone - except Reddit.

When my uncle died we were going through his house to clear it. We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him for his mother as she didn't have many.

Turns out he was into domination and had a large variety of porn quality pictures of himself partaking in his fetish. 60 year old man being dominated by similarly aged males and females. They are seared into my soul.

Myself and my father were checking together and made a pact not to tell anyone else or speak of it again.

DrasticXylophone

I have this fear for when I die. Especially if I die unexpectedly... just burn all my sh*t. Just burn it.

HBStone

Give me a key to your house and I'll make sure that nobody finds your body

Edit: Porn, that nobody finds your porn

Walshy231231

Darn auto-correct

Feynization

35. Pics or it didn't happen.

A friend accidentially sent me a pic of his junk on Snapchat that was clearly meant for someone else. He excused himself a hundred times.

boykimjong

"Accidentally" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jwinnr

I accidently sent a snap of myself holding my hand over my junk to my then girlfriends best friend... I immediately called my gf and told her what just happend while writing SORRY THAT WAS NOT FOR YOU to the friend. We all laughed about it and i thought we agreed on not talking about it... I was wrong. All her friends know about it.

larzolof

34. Username leaves me with questions.

I follow a bunch of weird blogs/tags on tumblr and was scrolling through my feed. I would usually alt/tab in 0.1 seconds if I was fapping or whatever but since I wasn't looking at any porn, I didn't bother to hide what I was doing, kept scrolling, then turned round (whilst still scrolling) to see my mum come in my room to put some laundry on a cabinet.

Unbeknownst to me, right as she came in the room, on my screen was a huge picture of an erect horse penis. I have no idea why it was on the blog and I did not intentionally look for it, but it was right there. In the middle of the screen.

C9_Lemonparty

33. Oh no, a joint?!

This is my friend's story.

She smoked weed a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time she came downstairs in the morning to find a joint sitting on the kitchen counter.

She knew for sure it wasn't hers and that she wouldnt be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon after walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen.

When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said "oh uh" and quickly brushed it into her hand and got rid of it. They both pretended it never happened.

9gagWas2Hateful

So the mother smoked?

Logan5276

She thinks her mom was covering for her dad. Later on she once found a bong in his closet. She always wanted to smoke with him after that but didnt know how to bring it up. Hence the never talked about it again.

9gagWas2Hateful

32. We've all been there...

Well me and the wife were out on the lake fishing. When all of a sudden I felt the rumbling in my gut. I was about to sh*t my pants. I looked around and noticed we were no where near a dock and there was nobody else on the water.

So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my ass over the side of the boat and had the Hershey squirts.

It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing.

Edit: I'd like to clarify that we did indeed move to a different part of the lake when I finished. What kind of sicko do you take me for?

Edit the second: my most upvoted comment is about me having diarrhea on a lake. Wtf is wrong with you reddit? Also my wife is insisting that I point out that we'd been married less than a year at that point.

Kinhamer

Thats a keeper.

dannyjayes1

31. Awkward.

Matched with my cousin on Tinder.

I was like "wow she is ho.... O my god that's my cousin!" while swiping. It all happened so fast. Same thing must have happened to her because we matched.

I just messaged her and said we never speak of this, agreed? And she said agreed. And we've never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays.

We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediatly to go and talk to other family members who we have not matched with on Tinder.

Outrageous_Claims

30. Forgetting this is probably for the best.

I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack, attached to a very private place. I had to go to my Mom and get her to help detach it.

When she finished, she told me we didn't ever have to talk about this again if I didn't want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn't want to.

KittySucks69

29. I'mma let you finish but...

Not to hijack the camp story but one time at camp there was this really high rope climb activity that we received daily merits for and I was naturally good.

My group was fairly large as I was quite younger and one day while climbing I almost hit the top but ran out of energy. I squirmed my legs up and down grasping at rope when a glorious burst of happy nectar flooded my grub worm for the first time.

It never came to a pinnacle because it was as if that was the baseline experience. I did this everyday until climbing the rope was the least of my worries.

One teacher thought the behavior was odd and asked me why I stopped at the top every time and squirmed around. I said it feels really good. I was instructed to not do that and to not tell anyone. A couple years later I discovered a pool jet..

Gambion

Wait until you figure out how to use your hands.

badbakedpotato

28. And now for an innocent mistake.

In middle school my crush's mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV with similar license plates. After school one day I ran up hopped in my mom's car and started talking when she didn't talk back and hadn't left the pick-up line I looked at her.

She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I was crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom.

A few years later I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line and recognized me and started to say weren't you that girl who...where I just interrupted with a "yes" handed him his change and quickly started the next customer.

MrsG_MomOfMystery

27. People are nasty.

I put my head in my friends horse mask, only to realize it was where he left all of his used masturbation tissues. It was a bonding moment. I took 3 showers.

One_Departure

What's wrong with the trash can?

Vicorin

Seriously, I had never heard of keeping soaked tissues/rags/socks just lying around the room in random places before I discovered Reddit and it seems like everyone does it. It's just so nasty.

I_Dont_Check_PMs

26. How embarrassing.

Had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his home town the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet... which of course, I blocked in the morning with a turd the size of Mt Fuji.

After 30 mins of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay.

I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently his gf did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I'm not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.

Edit: ouch my inbox. I get it, everybody poops.

ironicadler

25. Well-played.

When i was 17 a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC I RAISED YOU BETTER and all that.

But It turns out I wasn't the driver that day, dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how much it was worth to him for me to take the fall knowing she'd turn on him with the fury of a angry mama bear. And that's I got myself a new HDTV that year.

DominionGhost

I have a really similar story to this haha. My dad took my car to work one day because his car was in the shop getting fixed.

About a month later a red light camera ticket comes in the mail and my dad opens it and sees its my car and starts blaming me for it.

I look at the picture on the ticket and realize it was on a road near where my dad works so i'm like this isn't even me driving thats you going to work and my dad was just like "oh.... welll sh*t"

joeg119

24. Uh okay weird.

My mum heard me talking to my best friend about the new edition of International club porn magazine that had Geri Halliwell naked in it.

I got back from school one day and there was a brown paper bag on the sofa which my mum edged towards me and walked off. 14 year old me was forever grateful. You're the best mum!

teksti-tv666

23. Raise your hand if you miss middle school.

I was at a pool party in 8th grade, I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me "Dude I just saw your d!ck."

Me: "No you didn't"

Friend: "You're right, I didn't"

Never spoke about him seeing it again.

Hikalu

22. That's love right there.

One time I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panick I shouted for my wife to come help me.

As she entered the room I proceeded to faint and fall off the toilet and roll my body to side to prevent injury. Mid fall a solid turd torpedoed out of my butt across the floor leaving a trail of poop smear.

When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock, I got up grabbed some toilet paper and picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.

squatfarts

21. War, man.

Not me but my father's story.

During WWII, my father was a photographer for the 9th Army Air Corps. Most of the time it was ground-based, but occasionally he flew.

During the lead-up to D-Day, he flew multiple missions in a bomber converted to a stereoscopic camera (3D imagery) platform (the bomb bay had been gutted and the camera installed there).

They would overfly France and take pictures until they either ran out of film or the Luftwaffe showed up. To minimize detection they flew alone with the escort fighters circling out over the Channel.

In event of an attack, they'd drop until they were skimming the waves and run for England, passing under the fighters who'd engage the Germans while they fled.

This, of course, didn't have its risks and on more than one occasion they'd be caught too deep into France or the German fighters would get the drop on them and they'd have to man the guns. Crew size meant even the photographers had to man a gun.

So with all that, here's the "let's never speak of this again" moment. They were still at a high altitude One of the guns jammed and the gunner took off his glove and ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.

He's yelling for help and my dad goes over and says, "There's two ways to get your hand off. Either we yank it off and take the skin off your palm, or we use warm liquid. I know of only one source of that..."

"Never tell anybody about this," was said. Dad didn't keep his word, and thus was born the often told story of how my father pissed on a crewmate's hand and the guy thanked him for it.

poorbred

20. Hot Pockets. Worth the pain.

I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up.

When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me, and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.

He starts trying to panic-run backwards on the tile floor (imagine Scooby Doo trying to run but getting stuck in place in a flurry of limbs), but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my @ss off.

Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, "Do you remember that night--" and he cut me off with, "Yes." I didn't even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.

danghescary

Maybe he wasn't gonna eat it

Edit: Thanks a lot guys. This is the dumbest f*cking comment. Next person to say "coconut" is getting pistol whipped.

H0tVinegar

19. When ya can't even sneak...

In my early teens I used to choke the chicken on the bed all the time. My bed had a loose board on the headboard that would kind of make this clacking sound.

As a naive child, I assumed nobody could hear it. Turns out everybody - my older sisters, my mom, dad, and even my aunt who stayed with us a lot - heard me ALL THE TIME and knew exactly what was going on.

I learned this about 4 years after moving out when we all got together and got drunk one night, and on my way up to the bedroom my drunk-ass mom goes "We don't want to hear that headboard clanking tonight or you're going to be washing those sheets!" Everyone laughed.

I was like "wut" and then thought about it all night. Nobody acknowledged it at breakfast. Good GOD that was awful.

Rust_Dawg

18. Oh the days of magazines...

My father and I had a porn cold war. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven't.

When I was a teenager, my mother found my porn stash. Both parents confronted me with it when I got home from school. And of course confiscated it. And of course threw it in the bin.

Or so I thought.

Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad's wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly.

So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What's he going to do? Tell my mother I'd taken the porn he'd hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out?

And he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.

And I found it again. And took it back. And hid it.

This went on for years. And it's never been mentioned.

And it never will be.

BillyTheWrist

17. When you gotta go you gotta go.

My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and other employees usually don't show up for another hour or so. There's only one bathroom on our floor as it's a small business.

Anyway, I had just had some habanero spicy thing the day before and I was in for some punishment on this particular morning.

I'm talking doubled over, clutching your stomach, your farts are fire-punishment. I hear a knock on the bathroom door and I assume it's my husband.

"Hang on I'm having the habanero squirts. I'll be out as soon as I can," I groan out between awful spirting sounds. I hear a female voice awkwardly reply, "Oh...okay."

Sorry Stacy for pulling you into my terrible morning...

[deleted]

16. If it had hit someone...

My wife and I were at my cousin's apartment in a big city. They have a balcony on the 40th something floor. We were all outside on the balcony drinking some beers and getting a little drunk.

My wife rests her beer can (thank god it was a can and not a bottle or glass) on the railing of the balcony. I scold her and go to move it when my half drunk and clumsy self knocks it off and we watch in horror as it falls in slow motion 40 stories and hits the ground like a bullet next to a crowd of people. We never mentioned it to anyone.

EL_DIABLOW

15. These things happen.

My boyfriend had to give me an enema once.

iSquash

14. Poor Donny.

When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a 'sky burial' kind of.

So at the height of the funeral party we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon.

After a few meters of flight the string has snapped, and his remains covered the mourning crowd.

Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible.

We will never speak of this ever.

DraftyPelican

13. If that snot love, I dunno what is.

The smoking hot guy I met the prior weekend asked me out and, naturally, I said yes. Because I'd just met him, I asked if I could drive, and he said no problem.

On the way to get some grub, we're cruising along with the perfect tunes playing in the car, windows down, on an absolutely beautiful night. He looks over, I look over.... we're both just sparkling, you know? It was one of those "moments" where you want to take a mental snapshot.

Aaaaannnd THEN...... I guess we must have driven through an area of something he was allergic to? Because he sneezed a couple small ones, then with one MASSIVE blow, HONKED a HUUUUUGE wad of SNOT aaaaaallllll over my windshield and dashboard!

But, unbelievably, that's NOT the worst part. Nooooo. He pretended like it DIDN'T HAPPEN, and went about talking, and scooping it up with his HANDS and smearing it ONTO HIS PANTS!

I. Was. BEYOND. Mortified. I was throwing up in my mouth, my eyes were watering, and he didn't want me to pull over to get it cleaned up? We had to go to dinner like that, with SNOTTY PANTS!!

Sigh...... I ended up marrying him. We have NEVER, EVER spoken of it again, not even 40 years later.

Edit: Holy SNOT balls Batman, THIS has blown up! Thanks for all the excellent karma! Wish I could show the hubster the post but.... ya know.... IT'S IN THE VAULT!!!

SkootchDown

12. "Just a cramp."

After a house party when I was a teenager me and my friend both passed out on my bed. About 2/3 hours later I woke up with horrendous cramp in my leg so I've sat on the edge of the bed massaging it trying to get rid of it.

My friend woke up and thought I was rubbing one out but got too awkward to ask wtf was going on. He never said anything until the next morning when he was giving me a weird look.

I'd prefer we never speak of it again...he loves twisting the story to any girls on nights out.

JustAnotherBloke001

11. Gross.

We were at a friends hanging out. He invited a few girls over and one of the guys knew where his "nut rag" was kept. Someone went to the kitchen and used tongs to grab it and show off. The girls asked what it was and we began to just silently sit there thinking of something.

FreeBobbyG69

When I was a teenager I got really stoned one day and when I got home I went for a shower. It was only me and my sister in the house. While still incredibly high I got shampoo in my eyes.

In a little panic I slipped and ripped the shower curtain down.. Fell out the bath.. Hit head on radiator and landed with my arm down the toilet.

My sister burst in to see what had made a huge crashing sound, there's me.. naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain on the floor with my arm down the toilet.

12 years later and it's never been brought up.

Ali35j

10. "Wait, you're robbing me?"

My parents had to help me get home after an unfortunate event with a dominatrix in Lithuania where I got robbed while strapped down naked on the bed, she took off and I had to be "rescued" by the Lithuanian police.

Tekowsen

9. He wasn't wrong.

15 years old, I wander into the living room in my boxers, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush is on TV talking about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, "WE'RE F*CKED!"

When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this, probably just an outlet of excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. Dance around, yell random things, basically if you saw me in private at any point in these years you would have thought I was mentally ill (hell, maybe I am, who can say?)

Unfortunately for me I was not home alone and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior, it was probably top 10 most embarrassed I've ever been in my life, and it was never discussed again.

Nihilistic_Dizzy

8. Fail.

Some years ago, the toilet in my kids' bathroom got really clogged. Like impossibly clogged. Nothing, not even one of those toilet snake thingies could unclog it.

It was so bad that I literally took the the toilet bowl apart and removed it from the mounting, determined to see just what the hell clogging it. Finally, after some poking and prodding around, I dislodged a small canister of hairspray - you know those like travel-size versions, about 5 inches high and maybe 1.5 inches in circumference.

Confused ,I asked my son if he knew how that could have gotten in there. He had a horrified look on his face, as if I had dug something up out of a grave. He was about 13 or 14 at the time, so suddenly I had an idea of what was going on. He tried to explain it away as "Oh I was just fooling around and trying to see what I could flush down the toilet, haha," but I knew his @ss was lying.

I totally knew he was trying to stick that thing up his butt and that it fell in. I gave him a look as if to say "I know they truth but I'm not gonna push the matter," and we never spoke of it again. I covered for him when I spoke to my wife and just told her that I think the kids were just fooling around and it fell in.

TemporalLobe

7. Sibling shenanigans.

I got into a car accident for the first time in my life when my younger brother was visiting me. I wasn't paying attention (dumb) to the car in front of me and I rear-ended them pretty hard.

Luckily no one was hurt, we exchanged information, took pictures, but there was no noticeable damage so we left it at that.

I looked at my brother and we both agreed never to bring it up again. I gave him that car when he turned 18.

trolldoll26

6. Awful lotta fuss over a pill...

At school, this kid and I found a pill on the counter, and we chucked it into a urinal full of piss for whatever reason. About an hour later a teacher pulls me out of class asking what I had found in the bathroom.

Apparently this kid told the school I had found a pill, and the school wanted it. I was taken to the office and they were demanding this pill from me, which I just didn't have.

I lied and said I threw it away, and they demanded that I go search the trash for it. I was silently freaking out knowing that if I didn't come back with this pill, I could probably get in serious trouble.

They sent this kid and I to go search the trash, and while in the bathroom we looked at each other and knew what had to be done. I reached into this piss hole, grabbed the partially -dissolved pill, and dried it off with a paper towel.

We told each other that this piss grab will never be spoken about under any circumstance. We gave the pill to the school and they asked why it was kind of dissolved. We told them it was wrapped in a wet paper towel when we threw it away and they believed it.

rundms

5. Alleyoops.

When I scored on the wrong hoop in a basketball game when I was 8. My sister unfortunately never signed the non disclosure agreement.

jazmanimal6

4. No divine intervention.

Many many years ago I went to this Jesus Woodstock festival. Basically a 3 day Christian music fest. We got there after dark. Set up our tents.

I use a wad of tp, toss it into the hole, but it's strangely floating. I realize I fucking pissed on the brand new portapotty with the toilet lid still closed. I felt immediate shame. I had to release my guilt and confided in my bff later that night. She did the same exact f*cking thing.

Yogabi

Had to use the bathroom and ran to the portapotty without flashlights cuz we were 17 and beyond dumb. I pop a squat and am getting a TON of splash back- idk how it's so filled, it's the first night.

3. Good thing it wasn't actual brain surgery.

I was working IT for a hospital and a neurosurgeon had ordered a new lamp for his microscope. It came in through IT instead of engineering for some reason, so it fell to me to drop it off to him. When I did, he asked me to fit it as well. Medical equipment isn't my field, but the instructions were right there on the box, so I did.

Okay, cool. New lamp fitted, I can see it shining through the housing. So why wasn't the PC capturing any image from the microscope? The surgeon didn't know either, it had been like this for weeks. I didn't know microscopes, but I did my best to troubleshoot. Lamp on, check. Comms cord plugged in and seated tightly, check. The PC is receiving a signal, but for some reason it's a completely blank signal.

Neither one of us could figure out the problem, so we called up a medical engineer who took one long look at the microscope from across the room and announced that the lens cap was on. The brain surgeon and me shared a single humiliated glance and silently promised each other never to talk about this moment. A promise I've broken for your enjoyment.

I_throw_socks_at_cat

2. A Thanksgiving memory for the ages.

My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad's family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn't recognize let us in.

We went into the home and there wasn't anyone there, there was no dinner, etc. So we're making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean.

Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband, because he would randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did.

LeafyQ

1. Same, can't.

Trying to teach my new at the time girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times and knew what she was doing.Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper.

She continues with "I cant believe I did this! You're friends and family are gonna think I'm an idiot!" I just replied with "I did this" and we havnt spoke of it since. Everyone thinks im the idiot

Freeskier101

Have you ever found yourself in an argument so stupid and/or pointless that you were sure you were being punked? Like you keep looking away from the other person to check your surroundings for places Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew could come popping out of?

You're not the only one.

u/Anti-hollowkid asked: What is the dumbest argument you've ever been in?

Brace yourselves, folks. Some of these arguments are breathtakingly bonkers. The sheer number of people who are willing to argue with someone over provable facts and what that other person likes or doesn't like is just ... stunning. It's stunning, you guys. Just not in a good way.

I Know What I Like

Giphy

My wife and I once argued over whether or not I liked mustard on my hot dog. I was for me liking mustard, she was against me liking mustard.

The argument lasted way longer that you could ever imagine it would.

- AardvarkAndy

A Stair Step

My brother and I argued if our staircase had 13 or 14 steps, based on an argument about if the floor of the second floor counts as a stair-step or not. We still have no solution.

- RazerWolf04

My dad is a stairbuilder and I spent many summers working at his warehouse, so I can clear this up. 14.

- Apples9308

Saturdays

My husband and I have this thing where we only say "I love you" on Saturdays. Every other day it's "I love you, but only on Saturdays." I don't know how it started, but it's been going for 11 years now.

We're both shiftworkers, so sometimes we have to stop and think what day it actually is. We had an argument recently over whether it was Saturday or not. I said it was Saturday, he said it was Friday. It was Monday.

- FormalMango

Iraq

I remember when I was about 13 my parents had an hour-long shouting match that ended with them almost getting divorced. The issue? Whether or not the nation of Iraq has a coastline.

My mother arguing that Iraq had a coastline, while my stepdad argued that it did not. This was back in 2004, and they are still quite happily married to this day. That incident is something they look back on and laugh about, and both of them admit it was really a pretty stupid thing to argue over.

- dontcryformegiratina

$40

With an ex:

"I owe you $80 for the bills of ours that you pay, and you owe me $40 for the bills of ours that I paid. Here's $40 in cash; we're even."

She did not understand this.

I literally had to go get another $40 out of the ATM, and hand the $80 to her. Then I had her hand me the $40 she owed me.

"Now how much do you have in your hand?"

She still didn't understand.

She somehow has a college degree.

- Speedly

Mini Wheats

When we were kids my brother and I got in a physical fight because he said I like mini wheats and I insisted I didn't. His argument was that I always sang the mini wheats song and I was deeply offended that he wasn't aware that it was just stuck in my head but I hated the cereal. I actually did like the cereal I'm not sure why I was arguing with him about it but I remember how genuinely angry I was.

- shicole3

Crayons

Giphy

I'll tell you about the only legal trouble I've ever been in, the fight that got me arrested. It started over whether we should return a box of crayons or not, and to this day I don't have any idea how it escalated to the point of the cops being called, but they were and I was the one taken in.

- CorrectionalChard

That's Unfair

My boyfriend insisted that when two people are in an argument and one makes a point so reasonable and logical the other one can't disagree with it - it's unfair. I tried, logically and reasonably, to explain several times why that is just winning the argument, proving your point thoroughly and is completely fair.

His answer was that I was being unfair.

- ShyAcorn

Pure Masochism

How the ch in masochism is pronounced. My friend caught me saying "masoKism" while he would say "masoSYism."

To be fair, he grew up speaking French, in which the ch in masochism is pronounced in "his" way. But he insisted that I was the wrong one here and that was just infuriating.

- argofire

Emailing NASA

A woman was adamant that looking at the big solar eclipse on the television was unsafe unless you were wearing glasses. She wouldn't believe us and insisted on emailing NASA to check.

- derawin07

A Non-Standard Ruler? 

I worked for a company that made signs. We had a customer ask for signs that were 7mm wide that were to go on a door. Our sign makers figured the order meant inches because 7mm is pretty small, so made them 7 inches. I got a phone call from the customer who went mad at me for making them the wrong size. So I put a reorder through for 7 mm.

Argued with the sign makers over it but they eventually agreed to do it after I shown them the order in writing. I even had the customer put her complaint in writing, reiterating the size they wanted.

7mm signs went out and a day later I get the customer on the phone literally screaming at me.

Cue the dumb argument - we ended up having an argument over how big a millimetre is, and obviously everyone in the office were laughing, but this customer just wouldn't accept it and said we must be using a non-standard ruler to measure.

Ended up being escalating to the sales department manager who refused to issue a refund. We still don't know what they actually meant.

- Lovelocke

This Unusual Vegan Argument

Was in a pub with a few friends, and some random Dude dropped an ear, and somehow figured I'm vegan. Well, people like him are the reason I usually avoid mentioning it. He came up to me and insisted on starting a discussion about veganism. He claimed that by the end of it, I would be eating meat again.

He listed some stupid arguments, I told him I was not convinced and then tried to keep on drinking beer with my friends. He followed me, and wanted me to "try to convert him to a vegan." I stupidly listed some of my reasons thinking it would make him go away. He told me he still was not convinced, so I was like whatever. Again, I really just wanted to drink beer with my friends.

That dude followed me all night and expected me to try make him vegan. Doesn't matter what I said, and all the reasons that for me are obviously good enough to be vegan. He'd be just like "No, that doesn't convince me, therefore your argument and how you life is stupid."

Didn't matter how often I told him that I honestly don't care; 5 minutes later he would come up to me again "I'm still not vegan, so veganism is stupid, all your arguments were stupid, now give me a good reason to become vegan!" At one point, I was literally yelling at him that I don't give a single flying f about what he eats and why, that it's in no way my responsibility to "turn somebody vegan" and in no way his business what I eat.

Honestly, for that dude, I would have bought a whole ham, just to shove it up his stupid annoying face.

- onlytruebertos

Monty Python

In college my roommate and I argued about a line in Monty Python & the Holy Grail. The scene with the Black Knight where the line "Alright, we'll call it a draw" is uttered. We argued about who said that line, whether it was King Arthur or the Black Knight.

It went on for hours longer than it should have because I was stubborn and refused to admit I was wrong.

- Skrivus

Albert or Arnold

Giphy

Whether Albert Einstein or Arnold Schwarzenegger would be more useful to have around during a Zombie apocalypse. How on earth would Albert Einstein come in handy!?

- Gerrard1995

Below Sea Level

I live on an island and when you go upland and you look out the sea looks like it's higher than or on the same level as the land. It's just a weird perspective thing because of the horizon. One day some kid says that it's because the island is under sea level.


I'm like wtf bro all of us would be with the fishes. He argues that no that's not true and if I just go upland I'll see. We then spend a good 5 minutes of my time arguing about it until I decided to leave this kid in his stupidity. He even said we shouldn't believe everything adults tell us and sometimes we need to think for ourselves.

This kid was older than me and was going to a good school. Lost my respect for him ever since then.

- -justforclout-

Tomash

Someone tried to fight with me over how to spell my name.

Now, my name is in a lot of languages with slightly different spellings. I would have accepted any of those spellings, but this one was just... Not even close. It didn't make any logical sense.


An analogous example is if my name was Thomas and someone was insisting it was spelled Tomash. And not just the name Thomas in general, but that me specifically, on my birth certificate, was named Tomash. I know how to spell my own name.

I swear to god, it went on for like an hour.

- TK-DuVeraun

Whales Are Mammals

I was in an online chat room one day, and we were talking about whales. I commented on how whales are mammals and the next thing you know, someone was arguing with me and trying to convince me that a whale was a fish.

- kawaii_psycho451

Microwaves

Stupid microwaves. Having a man child talk down to me about how microwaves work only for him to google it and prove me right. He slept on the sofa that night.

- sun_phobic

Shower Schedule

My friend keeps telling me that the norm is that a person should shower once a week. This has been going on for years. I'm almost convinced he's trolling me.

- LibrarianGovernment

No Balloons For Grandma

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky.

He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space. Releasing balloons is terrible for the environment and kills/harms so much wildlife.

He got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

- Dskee02

Spontaneous Dolphin Existence

Giphy

How dolphins reproduced. It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence. The argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day.

- thebeststory

Male Chickens

I repeatedly had the argument with a friend over whether roosters were chickens. She was convinced that only the females were chickens (hens). We were 18 at the time.

- bee_zah

Lightning McQueen

Me and my friend were drinking underage, we ended up in an argument of whether lightning McQueen's eyes were blue or green. Somehow throughout the whole thing both of us never thought to straight up google a picture.

- 23071115

But ... Ice Floats

Waiter/Host here.

Woman wanted ice on the bottom of her drink.

Now read that sentence again and try to imagine arguing with that particular brand of stupid.

- FarWoods

Time Zones Exist

Coworker claimed that it was the same time of day and the same season on the whole globe. Had to get 4 coworkers to confirm to him that time zones do in fact exist.

- JustARegularToaster

Colorblind

My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?"

"that's orange"

"no, it's red"

"orange"

"YOU CANT EVEN KNOW"

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

- droneb2hive

Andre 2000?

Giphy

I'm late, but I saw this question and instantly remembered that I was booted from a Facebook group because I called someone out on a lie that was not only bull, but extremely pointless. She was friends with the moderator and they made the case that my argument over such a little lie was more of a problem than the lie itself (though they didn't refer to it as a lie.)


The woman said that she used to babysit for Andre 3000 and that his name was Andre 2000 - but he changed it after the year 2000 had passed. This was so easily disproven it was ridiculous. Their debut album came out in 1994 and he was already going by Andre 3000 at that time.

The argument wasn't a huge long drawn out thing, but the fact that either of us were on Facebook at separate times meant that the responses were over a long period of time so this argument lasted a few days.

It was stupid.

- P1ST0L_Wh1PP3D

Stars Like Our Sun

I was arguing with my grandpa about stars he didn't believe that there are other stars like our sun. Basically he thought there is only the sun, the moon and the earth.

fox_boi2

Richard Nixon

I have a degree in history. I mostly focused on nationalism. Wrote a 50 page paper on it and Richard Nixon with around 50 100 sources. Looked at micro film for hours on end. Part of the paper focused on how Nixon being chair of the house committee of Unamerican Activities was used as a powerful weapon to use against political enemies. It also inspired Joe McCarthy. Have had people tell me I was wrong and Nixon was never elected to a position besides the president and Joe McCarthy came before Nixon. I stopped trying to talk history to people.


I also know quite a bit about the history of the Balkans its amazing how many Serbs refuse to believe Tito did anything wrong.

Wrote 100 page paper on nationalism in Israel. Its frustrating to talk about because for some reason a lot of people think Palestinian firing rockets randomly into Israel is ok but if Israel retaliates the people get up in arms over a targeted air strike that kills 3 people.

grumblecakes1

Balloon to Heaven

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky. He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space.

And he got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

Dskee02

Binder Clips

I got into an argument with a co-worker over how we were attaching two pages of a letter together: small binder clips or paper clips.

He felt that paper clips would leave a "dent" in the paper when removed, but binder clips won't. He refused to staple them together. I felt that binder clips would also leave a "dent", so we might as well just use the paper clips.

It ended with him saying: "Do what you want [me], I don't care!" and storming off.

justantherredditgirl

Jewish

Once got accused of faking being Jewish. Why? I have no clue. We argued over the course of a month, any time I'd bring it up and she heard about it, she'd begin going after me for "faking it".

My mother's side is ethnically Jewish. Grandparents were practicing.

Aslkurloz

Nutella

Giphy

3 friends and I once got into an argument about how to pronounce Nutella. It lasted for about 3-4 months. It was hilarious how serious we took it, it'd get heated but never for real serious.

I think someone even called the company that made it to check, or that may have been for the Cheetos company. We were really bored in high school.

vault_tec_redditor

Lingerie Boxes

Late to the party, but there it is.

I'm a manager at a small store. We're only 4 working there, so my team and I grew very close and we joke around a lot. Once during a slow shift, my employee and I had an argument because we were looking at the lingerie boxes, and I thought that two specific boxes had the same woman on it, but she was 100% positive they weren't the same person.

Looking back, I don't know why it was such a big deal to us at the time, but we even called another employee who lives across the street to come and tell us what the heck was up with that. Turns out I was right, and she was pretty salty about it. It was a great night.

Meh75

Wicked Witch of the West

I almost got into an argument with an old girlfriend over Glinda the good witch from Oz. She insisted that Glinda was manipulating Dorothy to assassinate the Wicked Witch of the West and convince the Wizard to leave to create a political void she could fill.

I conceded the issue when I heard the whole premise because I thought it was too damn stupid to get worked up over.

weirdatwork2017

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Just the other day I legit got in an argument with my co-workers on why I don't like my butt being grabbed by anyone (I'm a guy). Seriously.

They went on about "I don't mind it. Mike and I do it all the time and we don't care." Yeah, that's nice dude, but I'm not you, and there's something called "Keep your hands to yourself" (which was taught to a good portion of us growing up). Just like how Karen wouldn't like it if I touched her boobs or her grabbing your crotch or frankly ANY area you wouldn't like being grabbed, keep away. In general, you should not be touching me in any areas after I've told you not to several times before.

So unless you're sleeping me or dating me, keep your damn hands off my toosh.

Frisby2007

Telekinesis

My best friend and I argued over whether or not telekinesis was possible. Her argument was that humans don't yet know what the human brain at 100% usage was capable of, and that telekinesis was inside the possibilities.

I said the brain does use 100%, just at different times.

We didn't speak to each other for four days.

dude_bizarro

Ghosts

How dolphins reproduced and whether or not ghost existed (back to back with the same person). It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence (the argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures).


How it shifted to the existence of ghosts is a solid and reasonable question to ask (I don't remember why). I had to then proceed to tell her that ghost hunting TV shows do not constitute as undeniable evidence.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day. This was in high school SO... hopefully she was kidding.

thebeststory

Dogs and Chocolate

Giphy

I told this stupid woman that chocolate is toxic to dogs. She went on to tell me how a little bit will just make them hyper and then they will calm down. I told her to google it. Her and her bf shut right up. Now they have a kid. Good luck, Jeremy and Andrea. morons.

I should also add that this argument started because Jeremy was giving his tiny dog chocolate and I told him it was toxic.

KlutzyHedgehog

Is water wet?

My roommate and I have a recurring argument over whether or not water is wet l, and whether or not a person is considered wet underwater.

For the record, it is no to both questions.

SFCopperhead

Mission Trip

A kid a church telling me about the mission trip I went on. Not only was I not on that trip, but I had never been on any mission trip. We were good friends, so it's not like he would've mistaken someone else for me.

He insisted I was there as if an entire week long trip would just fall out of my memory. He even had stories of things we'd done together. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying, joking, stupid, or crazy, but I was pretty sure he was some combination thereof.

SirRogers

Dragon Tales

One time I got into a shouting match with my mom and little brother in the car. The issue? The names of the two-headed dragon from the PBS kids afternoon show Dragon Tales. I swore it was Zack and Macie.

It was actually Zak and Wheezie. I don't even remember why we were yelling about it.

MistalQueensglaive

Green Or Yellow?

When I was about 15 or so my mother and I spent about 20-30 minutes arguing about the color of a shirt. We agreed it was blue/green, but to me it was just a shade more blue, while to her it was just a bit more green.

Turns out, your eyeballs yellow as you age and hers were 24 years yellower than mine, so I think that skewed her color vision.

BugsRatty

Stars In Their Multitude

Giphy

I once got in an argument over whether or not a line from the song "Stars" in Les Mis says "...but mine is the way of the lord" or "mine is the way of the law".

I didn't even really care what he thought but he was so adamant and cocky that it got me heated. By the end of it we were shouting at each other and I had to apologize, which I think is what he wanted the whole time.

theedjman

Colorblind

My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?" "that's orange" "no, it's red" "orange" "YOU CANT EVEN KNOW".

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

droneb2hive

Hot Water

About five years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) once had a very intense argument about whether or not hot water cleaned things better than cold water.

She genuinely believed that water temperature didn't matter. This is someone who has not one, but two masters degrees.

We argued for something like 2 hours, and we seriously almost broke up over the whole thing.

moniker5000

Biology Class

I had an argument with a girl IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIOLOGY CLASS in high school about how humans are not mammals. She thought a human was a human and we are not mammals because "mammals are animals and humans are not animals"

I tried explaining to her the difference between reptiles and mammals and how humans fall under the mammal category to try and educate her... but she just wouldn't listen.

I still have no idea why the BIOLOGY teacher did not get involved...

10d4plus8

Solid Or Liquid?

Some classmates and I got into a heated debate as to whether or not the human body could count as a soup, salad, or sandwich. The teacher got mad at us, but hey! All we were doing was watching a movie.

For the record, my logic lays with soup- Liquid contained within a solid, at a hot temperature.

ScreamingPotoo