Petty People Share Their Funniest Relationship Deal Breakers
I once broke up with a guy because he only ever sneezed in groups of three. I don't know how it happened and it wasn't a thing we ever talked about. I just noticed it one day and couldn't un-notice it. Every single time he sneezed it was always a group of three. If it was sometimes in threes, or even usually in threes, okay fine. But it was always. Without fail. I started to obsess over what ridiculous bodily mechanism went into that... like, how? Sneezing is involuntary, so it's not like maybe he had OCD and threes was his thing. Something in his body made it happen in threes. Yeah, I couldn't get past it. He had to go.
Apparently I'm not the only Petty McPetterson, though. One Reddit user asked about the pettiest reasons for breaking up with someone... and yeah, I feel better. At least it wasn't hummus. Here are some of my favorite responses, edited for language where needed of course.
Either chew with their mouth open or make a lot of noise while eating.
I once broke up with someone because he didn't clean his ears (it was actually so gross.) Not in his ears, but like the fold behind his ears. I just kept staring and thinking about it...
I can't date people who believe in Soulmates™ or the "One".
I can't shake the feeling they're using you as a placeholder until they find their mythical 100% match. Or that they believe relationships with their 'soulmate' wouldn't need actual work or active effort.
Clubbed Nails Need Not Apply
Fingernails. I don't know how to properly explain this, but there are two types of nails: some people's fingernails don't press into the finger on the sides, and aren't as curved, giving a wider, flatter nail than others. These people's hands creep me the f--- out and I can't stand being touched by people with this type of fingernail. It's ridiculous, and I know it's stupid, but it makes me so irrationally uncomfortable.
Goofy accent. Sorry. I like dirty talk and it doesn't work if I want to burst out laughing.
Loud breathing. Can't do it. I want to tear your airways out and feed them to you if I can hear you breathe.
He was allergic to hummus and I f*cking love hummus.
Nose hair. How do you not notice you have long pieces of hair sticking out of your nose? Tweezers can fix that sh*t in two seconds.
I once broke up with someone because he tied his shoes too slowly. Like he just...took forever to make the bow? He was bent over for almost a full minute every time. Inexplicable.
I just went out with a guy last week and asked him what he was for Halloween last year and he said "an adult". Dealbreaker. I'm an adult everyday, including Halloween.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, or so the saying goes.
The same can be said for your interactions with cops, most of whom are perfectly happy to let minor infractions slide––When was the last time you were actually ticketed for jaywalking?––provided you're not a total Karen should you interact them.
Your local police officer likely doesn't care about jaywalking or the fact that you went five miles over the speed limit unless you give him a reason to, as we learned when Redditor Takdel asked police officers: "What stupid law have you enforced just because someone was an a-hole?"